Adult Adult
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
I thought this story from the archives was appropriate because after
a muggy day from the past two days of rain I was able to get back
out to Brother Don's and pick up the Chevy. It isn't pretty but it
runs
great. I got home and left the windows rolled down so we could get
the groceries I had stopped and picked up. There wasn't a cloud in
the sky and I went in to work on the lists and the sky just opened
up.
I looked at the weather radar and there was a line shaped like a
lizzard, a big red lizzard, and we were the head. Just that one line
on the whole map. Wonderful Luck heh heh.
The rain is reminding me of the Puget Sound area so I dug a story up
from the archives that you probably heard before but that's what
stories are for, to be told over and over again.
I know a little about Seattle's weather because I spent 15 month's
in Puget Sound. It is perhaps one of the most beautiful areas of
this country. In lass than a mornings drive you can go from
mountains , the oceans, rural living, and the bustle of major cities
like Seattle, Tacoma, and Portland or Vancouver to the north. It
was the perfect place for a sailor. The rents were cheap, cost of
living was low, and the people were friendly. My paycheck lasted
all month and I had money for concerts and to eat and drink out in
town whenever I was off.
After a few months there and realizing I needed some wheels I bought
a 1965 Austin-Healey Sprite from a buddy in the division and after
an overhaul had it to drive. What a great little car that would be
to have today. It had a 1098 cc motor and I think I drove it most
of the year on three tanks of gas. The one bad thing on it was the
convertible top. The plastic in it had become weathered and yellow
and I ordered a new top from JC Whitney along with seat covers,
carpets, and an engine rebuild kit for 110 dollars. I took the top
off and put the carpets and seat covers in and with the help of a
Master Chief got the engine rebuilt but that top was a challenge.
All of the hardware and ribs had to come off of the old one and then
it all had to be glued together. I soon found out why an upholstery
company charged 300.00 to change one.
In Washington it seemed as though it rained every day except during
July and August. Snow that year was only about a week long so I
managed to make it through with a tonneau cover for the Healey. I
would unbutton one side and even when it was freezing I had heat up
to armpits once the engine warmed up so I was comfortable. When I
had to open it up for passengers it got a little chilly though. It
was disappointing when you would walk over to the car after it had
been raining for several days and find the cover weighted down with
ten gallons of water. It was bad enough the birds were using it to
bathe in and no matter how hard you tried you were going to end up
with water in your seat.
Maybe tomorrow I will tell you how the Sprite got me a visit from
NCIS.
buffalo
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Hijack Chips
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A cargo plane is in mid-flight over the ocean when
suddenly the cockpit door burst open to reveal an
armed, masked hijacker to a startled pilot, copilot,
navigator, and a female passenger. He held a gun to
the pilot's head and said, "Take this plane to Iraq
or I'm gonna spill your brains all over the place."
The pilot calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside
and said, "look buddy, if you shoot me this plane
will crash right into the sea and you'll die along
with the rest of us."
The hijacker thought about it, then held the gun
to the copilot's head and said, "Take this plane
to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HIS brains all over the
place."
The copilot also calmly reached up, pushed the gun
aside and said, "listen to me. The pilot's got a
bad heart and he could keel over at the shock of
my being killed. So if you shoot me, this plane
will still crash right into the sea and you'll
die along with the rest of us."
The hijacker thought about it for a moment and then
held the gun to the navigator's head and repeated,
"take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HIS
brains all over the place."
The navigator calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside
and said, "I wouldn't do that if I were you. Those
other two guys have no sense of direction. Without
me they couldn't find their way out of a paper bag
much less get this plane to Iraq. So if you shoot
me, this plane will still crash right into the sea
and you'll die along with the rest of us."
The hijacker thought some more, shrugged and this
time held the gun to the female passenger's head and
demanded, "take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill
HER brains all over the place."
No one said a word, but the stewardess leaned over and whispered
something into the hijacker's ear. He turned beet red, dropped his
gun, and ran out of the cockpit in a panic.
The crew tracked down the hijacker, who was found
cowering behind some crates in the hold, and tied
him up. The pilot then asked the stewardess what
she said that terrified the man so.
"I told him," she replied, "that if he killed me,
he'd be the one who'd have to give you guys your
blow jobs."
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Fred Chips
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A cop stops a car for traveling faster than the posted
speed limit.
He asks the man his name. "Fred," he replies.
"Fred what?" the officer asks.
"Just Fred," the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just
give the fellow a break and write him out a warning
instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for
the last name. The man tells him that he used to have
a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he
has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it.
"Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?"
The man replies, "It's a long story, so stay with me."
"I was born Fred Dingaling. I know -- a funny last
name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I
stayed to myself, studied hard, and got good grades.
When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a
doctor.
I went through college, medical school, internship,
residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred
Dingaling, MD.
"After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I
decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream!
Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then
I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS.
"Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling
around with my assistant and she gave me VD. So now I
was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD.
Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took
away my DDS. Then I was Fred Dingaling, MD with VD.
Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my
DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving
me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so
now I am Just Fred."
The officer walked away in tears, laughing.
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Jam Chips
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Little Greggy came home from school, and his mother asked, "How was
your day dear?" He replied: " Pretty good. I ate all my jam
sandwiches for lunch, passed my spelling test, came first in the 100
metres sprint, was in the winning netball team, and got a f#@* on
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filth like that! Its disgusting. Get to your room, you just wait
till your father gets home". So little Greggy went upstairs to his
room.
When his father got home, Little Greggys mother told him he had
better go up and talk to him. He went up to his room and said, "
What sort of a day did you have at school son?" Little Greggy said,
"Pretty good Dad, I ate all my jam sandwiches for lunch, passed my
spelling test, came first in the 100 metres sprint, was in the
winning netball team, and got a f#@* on the way home."
His father went downstairs into the kitchen and reefed the cast iron
frying pan from where it was hanging on the wall.
His mother was horrified. "What are you going to do with that?
You're not going to hit him!" she cried. The father said, " No. He
can't do all that on jam sandwiches - I'm going to cook him a steak
with Spuds".
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Pick-up Chips
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That dress would look awfully nice on the floor next to my bed...
Do you want to see something swell?
Hey babe....do you realize that my
mouth can generate over 750 psi?
Is that a double ended dilldo or are
you just glad to see me?
Excuse me. Do you wanna f**k or should
I apologize?
Irish : Have you got a little Irish in you?
She: Uh...no....
Irish: Well, do you want some?
Pardon me but I was just about to go home and masturbate and I was
wondering if you'd mind if I fantasize about you?
Say, didn't we go to different schools together?
Wanna fuck like bunnies?
Why don't you come on over here, sit on my lap, and we'll talk about
the first thing that pops up?
I had a friend who used to hand out calling cards which said:"Smile
if you want to sleep with me", then watch the victim try to hold
back her smile...
Sit on my lap and we'll get things straight between us
You smell wet. Let's Party.
Pardon me miss, but I help noticing that you have
cum in your hair.
Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the
money?
Would you like to dance, or should I go fuck myself again?
Hey baby, let's go make some babies.
At the office copy machine: Reproducing eh? Can I help?
Would you like Gin and platonic, or do you
prefer Scotch and sofa?
Gee, you don't sweat much for a fat chick.
Miss, If you've lost your virginity, can I have the box it came in?
Walk over to a table occupied by ladies, whip out your `pud' and
say:
Hey Charlie, see anyone here you recognize? Hey, wanna see my R2-D2
impersonation? (Think about it...) Hey baby...infect me!
Hey babe, how about a pizza and a f**k? What's the matter, don't
like pizza?
I've had quite a bit to drink, and you're beginning to look pretty
good.
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Short Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The young hooker reports for her first day at the brothel. The
madam says to her, " Do you have any questions?"
The hooker replies, " Yes, I was wondering how long penises should
be sucked?"
The madam says," The same as the short ones".
Roy was extolling the virtues of his new girlfriend. In fact, she
was so perfect in every way that he'd asked her to marry him, and
she accepted.
"I'm really happy for you, Roy," his best friend assured him. "And
what did you
say this paragon's name is?"
"Betty Jo," replied Roy, a look of pure happiness coming over his
face at the mere mention of her name. "Betty Jo Bronowski."
"Not Betty Jo Bronowski!" yelled his buddy. "Roy, you can't be
serious about marrying her. She's slept with every man in
Poughkeepsie!"
A frown passed over Roy's face as he reflected briefly. "Heck," he
responded, "Poughkeepsie's not such a big town."
Doug went to a psychiatrist and said, "Doc, I'm really worried about
my wife. Yesterday she posed for a nude picture."
The psychiatrist said, "Well I wouldn't worry about that. It's
probably just an expression of her interest in art. What was the
nude picture for?"
Doug said, "Her driver's license."
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Parrot Chips
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A rather large lady had saved her money for a long time to be able
to afford a cruise on a ship to the Bahama's.
When she gets settled in her cabin she goes to the dining room for
her first meal on board, and is invited to sit at the Captain's
table.
As she is seated at the table a mimmicking voice behind her loudly
squawks, "Aawwk, Lady! How's your hole?"
Totally embarrassed, she turns to see a parrot on his perch behind
her. She says to the steward, "Will you "Please" get rid of that
foul mouthed beast?"
The steward replies, "I can't madam, that is the Captains parrot,
which he dearly loves."
As the meal progresses to its end the bird continues to harrass the
lady with his loud squawks, "Aawwk, Lady! How's your hole?"
The embarrassed woman finally retires to her cabin and goes into a
restless sleep.
In the middle of the night the ship sinks rather suddenly and the
lady finds herself floating in the ocean on a chest. As daylight
breaks the next morning the lady hears this loud squawk behind her,
"Aawwk, Lady! How's your Hole?"
The lady turns around to see the parrot floating on some debris and
she replies, "Aah, Shut Up!"
The parrot says, "Aawwk, Mine too! Must be the salt water!"
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Toon Chips
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Somewhere In America
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Limerick Chips
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There was a young man of Natal
Who was fucking a Hottentot gal.
Said she, "You're a sluggard!"
Said he, "You be buggered!
I like to fuck slow, and I shall."
__________________________
There was a Young Man of Thyme
Who Had three wives at a time
When asked why he did it
He said "One's an idiot
And bigamy, sir, is a crime!"
__________________________
There was a young man with a fiddle
Who asked of his girl, "Do you diddle?"
She replied, "Yes, I do,
But prefer to with two --
It's twice as much fun in the middle."
<Snagged by>
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Parting Chips
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I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox,
informing me that I can have sex at 82!
I'm sooooo happy, because I live at #73 ...
So it's not too far to walk home afterward!
Randy
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Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
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Adult Adult Adult
Remember 9/11/01
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In accordance with the 2004 Can-Spam act you can contact me at:
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Compilation and narrative copyright 2002 by william Brabant
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