Adult Adult
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
I am all for alternative energy as are most people but I am not
one who says, " Give me cheap alternative energy but don't
put the source in my back yard." Unfortunately this thought is
not shared by my city. They passed a moratorium a few weeks
back on windmills within the city because of the small amount
of noise they make and even outside the city limits people are
finding resistance from the township governments. Sure we
still have fairly cheap power compared with California but our
utility is no longer locally owned and our rates reflect what they
have to pay to keep their whole grid supplied. Over the past
five years I have seen my bill rise to 100 dollars a month from
around 40 dollars a month and it isn't all just the number of
computers I have running.
Speaking of California, where they already refuse to allow drilling
for more oil, they are already trying to prevent any solar
alternative
energy projects from being built in the desert. Sure there are areas
with a fragile ecosystem and there are endangered species to be
considered but that does not justify declaring the whole desert a
National Park. Where do people thing the electricity is going to
come from to run their electric cars and air conditioning after coal
and oil power plants become too expensive to operate? Or is this
all just a ploy by Pelosi and others to stuff Natural gas power
down
California's throats ?
I finished the chips Sat. morning around 0730 and was ready for a
good long nap but I had promised to wake Buffy up at 1000 to take
the Explorer over to my nephews to get the O2 sensors changed.
I snoozed for ten minutes at a time until 1000 and called her and
Buffy wanted another ten minutes so I waited and called her in ten
minutes and told her to get out of bed and went into major nap mode.
That lasted about a half hour till Buffy showed up to drop Eva off
and I was up again. About 15 minutes later Buffy called to say Will
was sleeping and she couldn't get him up and she was upset because
the dog had ripped her pant leg. I guess I could have asked her to
put the dog on the phone and told the dog, " Bad Dog, Go lay down."
instead she came home and I was forced to listen to a drama report
from her radio station from the night before till Will called and
told her
to bring the Explorer back at 1300. Anyhow with status calls and
having
to make a store run I didn't get to sleep till after supper and
didn't wake
up till 0200 and so here I am . To make matters worse I forgot to
take
my meds around dinner time like I normally do and when you take two
different water pills at 0200 you probably won't sleep well heh heh.
Hoping you have a great Sunday and enjoy
the chips ... buffalo
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Nun Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A guy was in New York on a business trip and decided to head to a
local bar for a drink. Standing outside the bar was a nun holding a
tin cup.
As the man threw a few bucks into her cup the nun launched into a
long tirade about the evils of alcohol. She went on and on about how
alcohol was tearing apart the fabric of society and how it was the
root of all the city's problems.
Slightly pissed off at having to listen to this the guy said,
"Listen sister, I work hard for my money and sometimes at the end of
a long day I like a drink or two. That doesn't make me a bad person.
I have a wife I idolize and two wonderful kids at home. I provide
for my family, I volunteer my time to several local service clubs
and I contribute regularly to various charities. Yet you stand here
and condemn me just because I drink the occasional glass of scotch!"
The nun was slightly taken aback and replied, "I see your point my
son and I apologize if I offended you but the alcohol is such a
powerful demon that all who consume it are doomed..."
"Look there you go again," said the man, "How can you make such a
sweeping statement. Have you ever even TRIED alcohol?"
"Of course not!" gasped the nun, "The evil alcohol has never touched
my lips."
"Do you really think that one glass of booze can change you from a
devout nun to some kind of evil degenerate?"
"Well, I really don't know ...."
"I'll tell you what, come into the bar with me and I'll buy you a
drink. One drink. I'll prove to you that "evil" is not inside the
glass, it's inside the person."
"Oh I could never be seen going into such a den of inequity, it's
out of the question. However, your comment about evil residing in
the person rather than the glass is quite intriguing. I must admit
you've aroused a curiosity in me."
"Well let's go inside and settle this"
"No my son, I could never enter such a place... but how about this.
Take my tin cup with you and fill it with this "scotch" you
mentioned. Bring it out to me and I'll try it."
"You're on!" said the guy.
The nun removed all the change and handed him the tin cup. He went
into the bar and said to the bartender, "Two scotch on the rocks,
and could you put one of them in this tin cup please"
The bartender sighed and said,
"Is that fucking nun out there again!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Shorts Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two guys were walking down the street one day when they
came across a small pair of gym shorts on the ground.
They decided to put a sign up on the church bulletin board so the
rightful owner could claim them.
The first one starts to write out the sign, "FOUND: one pair of boys
gym shorts..."
"Hold on," says the second, "Those are girls gym shorts."
"No they're not," says the first, "They're boys shorts!"
The second grabs them from him and takes a closer look, "No, no ...
Definitely girls gym shorts!"
The two of them are inspecting the shorts in turns and arguing.
"Boys shorts!", "No, girls shorts!", "Definitely boys shorts!" ....
and so on.
The local priest is walking past as the two men argue and can't help
but ask them what the commotion is all about.
The first guy tells the priest, and asks him if he could
sort out the argument.
The priest takes the shorts, has a good long sniff, and after
pondering for a few moments he looks at the two men and says:
"Definitely boys shorts!.....
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Morning Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
"WHY MEN CAN'T GET OUT OF BED"
BRAIN SYSTEM: Attention. Alert registered.
CENTRAL: Alert? Number One, report!
NUMBER ONE: Sir! We're picking up loud music.
CENTRAL: Music? We were just asleep!
NUMBER ONE: Yes sir. Ears report it's "The Last Train to
Clarksville.
CENTRAL: Goodness, are we being tortured?
NUMBER ONE: Sir, Eyes are functional and request instruction.
CENTRAL: Tell them to open up and try to find out what is going on.
NUMBER ONE: Scope! Okay, I see darkness... darkness... Wait,
there's a woman sleeping there.
CENTRAL: A woman?
NUMBER ONE: Sir, Libido Station wants to know if it is Anna
Kournikova.
CENTRAL: Forget about Libido. What can you tell me?
NUMBER ONE: Sir, Memory reports a near perfect match to "wife," sir.
CENTRAL: Well of course. Keep looking.
NUMBER ONE: Sir, urgent report from Stomach on the horn, do you want
to take it?
CENTRAL: Stomach, what's going on?
STOMACH: Sir, we've taken a hit, it...it looks bad, sir.
CENTRAL: Get hold of yourself, man!
STOMACH: Yessir. It looks like a burrito, sir. It exploded at about
1900 hours and we've been out of action ever since. I don't...I
don't know if she can take much more, Captain.
CENTRAL: Stomach! Now you listen to me, son. We're all counting on
you up here. Don't give up now. Remember the chili of '94? We made
it through that, we can make it through anything.
STOMACH: Yessir. You can count on me, sir.
CENTRAL: Good man.
NUMBER ONE: Sir, I've got a visual on the clock!
CENTRAL: Tell me, Number One.
NUMBER ONE: Oh my God, sir. It's horrible.
CENTRAL: Damn it sailor, get a grip on yourself!
NUMBER ONE: It's... It's six thirty, sir. In the morning.
CENTRAL: In the morning? Not again. I thought... I thought that we'd
had the worst of it yesterday.
SYSTEM: Sixty seconds to consciousness.
CENTRAL: This is madness. Do you know what's going to happen if we
go
conscious now, this early?
NUMBER ONE: Work, sir?
CENTRAL: That's right, Number One. It'll be work, all right. I
don't... don't know if I can live through that hell again.
SYSTEM: Fifty seconds to consciousness.
NUMBER ONE: Sir? Do you have orders?
CENTRAL: Hmmm?
NUMBER ONE: Orders, sir. Do you have orders for us?
CENTRAL: Orders? Orders, Number One? Damn right there are orders!
Let's get ourselves moving.
NUMBER ONE: Aye aye, sir!
SYSTEM: Forty seconds to consciousness.
CENTRAL: Shut that damn thing off, I'm trying to think. Get our
remote stations on line. I want a Search and Acquire on anything
that
feels like a snooze button. Tell them to MOVE. Bladder!
BLADDER: Yes sir?
CENTRAL: How are you holding?
BLADDER: All systems are flush and ready, sir. We can go another
three hours, easy.
CENTRAL: Very well, Bladder. Number One, get me Nose on the horn.
NOSE: Sir, Nose reporting, sir!
CENTRAL: Good to hear from you, Nose. How are you doing up there?
NOSE: We registered cat breath about twenty minutes ago, but it was
pretty faint and I didn't think...
CENTRAL: Steady on, nose. You were right not to trigger an alert.
NOSE: Thank you, sir.
CENTRAL: Nose, I'm afraid I have bad news for you, son. We took a
burrito last night.
NOSE: Oh no, sir, not again!
CENTRAL: I said steady! You're going to have to hold on, you hear
me? Hold on, and it will pass. I don't want ANYTHING getting through
to Consciousness.
NOSE: Yes sir. I'll try, sir.
CENTRAL: That's the spirit. Stomach!
STOMACH: Sir?
CENTRAL: How are you doing down there?
STOMACH: We've been breached, Captain. The whole alimentary is in
flames. I'm trying to keep it contained, but I can't promise
anything.
CENTRAL: Damn!
NUMBER ONE: Sir, Libido Station reports it is ready for battle!
CENTRAL: Tell Libido to calm down, I'll call him when I need him.
Any report from our search party?
NUMBER ONE: Sir, Fingers report they located and toppled a glass of
water, a pair of glasses, and a box of Kleenex. No luck on the
snooze, sir.
CENTRAL: Number One, I don't mind telling you, if we don't get this
under control we're going to lose her.
NUMBER ONE: Yes sir. Sir, Libido requests positive verification that
the woman sleeping next to us is not Anna Kournikova.
CENTRAL: For crying out loud.
NUMBER ONE: Sir, Ears reports the song is over. It's going to
commercial, sir.
CENTRAL: How much time on the system clock?
NUMBER ONE: Ten seconds to consciousness, sir. We've lost smile
control in the lower facial and we're developing a frown.
CENTRAL: Brace yourself, Number One. I'm afraid we've had it.
NUMBER ONE: Sir! Fingers has located target. Repeat, Fingers is on
target!
CENTRAL: Fire!
NUMBER ONE: Hit! Sir, direct hit!
CENTRAL: Ears!
NUMBER ONE: It's gone, Captain! Ears reports the music is gone!
CENTRAL: We've done it!
SYSTEM: Consciousness cancelled.
NUMBER ONE: Sir, all systems are ready for sleep mode. Repeat, sleep
mode now ready.
CENTRAL: Trigger sleep mode NOW.
NUMBER ONE: Sleep mode triggered, aye aye, sir.
CENTRAL: Shut Eyes.
NUMBER ONE: Eyes off, sir. Frown relaxed, smile restored.
CENTRAL: By golly, that was a close one.
NUMBER ONE: Yessir. Sir, Dream Team requests selection. Libido
asking
for something naked, sir.
CENTRAL: Request denied. Let's roll the one where we show up for
church wearing only our underwear, I like that one.
NUMBER ONE: Roger that, sir. Dream selection completed and tape is
rolling, sir.
CENTRAL: Good work, Number One. You take the helm.
NUMBER ONE: Aye aye, sir.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Pick-up Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
1) I lost my teddy bear. Will you sleep with me?
2) Excuse me, do you have a Band-Aid because I scraped my knee when
I
fell for you.
3) I hope you have a library card because I'm checking you out.
4) Your tag says Made in USA, but I could have sworn you were made
in
Heaven.
5) Hey lady, those are some nice clothes, can I talk you out of
them?
6) How do you like your eggs: poached, scrambled, or fertilized?
7) Is your dad a terrorist? Cause baby your da bomb!
8) My love for you is like diarrhoea, I just can't hold it in.
9) Your parents must be retarded, because you are special.
10) Want to play Pearl Harbor?....Its a game where I lay back while
You blow the hell out of me.
11) If you were a burger at McDonald's, I'd call you McBeautiful.
12) Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk past you
again?
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Short Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Things weren't going too well for the husband business-wise and he
got his wife an imitation tennis bracelet, instead of the real one
she wanted for their anniversary. "I hope you understand sweetheart,
but you can pretend it's real."
"Fine!" she said pouting, "And tonight in bed, you can pretend I'm
there under you."
The Secretary came in late for work the third day in a row. The Boss
called her into his office and said, "Now look Sharon, I know we had
a wild fling for a while, but that's over. I expect you to conduct
yourself like any other employee around here. Who told you you could
come and go as you please around here ?"
Sharon simply smiled, lit up a cigarette, and while exhaling said,
"My
lawyer."
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very
nicely
if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys could get your fucking act
together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you
expect me to show it to you."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Doctor Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dr. Boudreaux from Breaux Bridge
A doctor in Louisiana wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he
told his
assistant, "Boudreaux, I am going hunting tomorrow and we don't want
to
close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take
care
of our
patients".
"Yes, sir..." answers Boudreaux.
The doctor goes hunting and returns the next day and asks: "So
Boudreaux,
how was your day?"
Boudreaux tells him he took care of three patients. "The first one
had a
headache, so I gave him TYLENOL."
"Bravo Boudreaux! and the second one?" says the doctor.
"The second one had stomach burning, and I gave him MAALOX, sir,"
says
Boudreaux.
"Bravo, bravo Boudreaux! You're good at this and what about the
third
one?"
asks the doctor.
"Sir, I was sitting here, and suddenly the door opens, and a woman
enters
like a flame. She undresses herself, taking off her bra and her
panties and
lies down on the table, spread her legs and shouts:
"HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!!"
"And what did you do Boudreaux?" asks the doctor.
"Mi Sha . . . I put eye drops in her eyes."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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LynnLynn's Links
~~~~~~~~~~~~
If You haven't joined LynnLynn's mailing List yet, send a blank
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Movie Clips
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Rookie Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three rookies are at batting practice. First guy pops one straight
overhead
that falls back into the stands. He turns to the batting coach and
says,
"What did I do wrong?"
The coach says, "Loft."
The next guy steps up and hits a foul that dribbles near the fence
by first
base. He asks the coach, "What did I do wrong?"
The coach says, "Loft."
The third guy swings and misses. He asks the coach, "What did I do
wrong?"
The coach says, "Loft."
As they're walking to the showers, the first guy finally speaks up.
He says
to the coach, "The three of us made completely different swings, and
when we
asked you what we did wrong you answered the same exact answer each
time.
What is loft?"
The coach says, "Lack of fricking talent."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Toon Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
being a bastard
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complaints
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communicating
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Bull
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Bull Fighter
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Limerick Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
There once was a girl from the chorus
Whose virtue was said to be porous.
She started by candling
And ended by handling
The whole clientele of a whorehouse.
A hard-working waitress named Cora,
Discovered that drummers adore a
Titty that's ripe
And a c*nt that is tripe --
Now she doesn't work hard any more-a.
A lady named Belle da C*nt Corrigan
Was the mistress of J. Pierpont Morigan,
'Til she handed the banker
A hell of a chancre,
And now she is just a plain whore again!
Karl K
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Parting Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mrs. Jones goes to the doctor for a full medical checkup. After an
hour or so, the doctor looks at Mrs. Jones and says the following:
Mrs. Jones, overall you are a very healthy for a 45 year old woman.
There is however, only one problem. You are 40 pounds over weight
and bordering on obese. I would strongly suggest that you diet now
to save complications in later years.
She looks sternly and says,
"I demand a second opinion."
"Ok" he says, "you're fucking ugly as well.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Bonus Chip
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Most offensive cocktail
This is available from a few select bars in New York. It contains
tomato juice, a double shot of vodka, a spoonful of French mustard
and a dash of lime. It is not mixed, but served with a tampon
(unused) instead of a cocktail umbrella and is known as a 'Cunt
Pump'.
Mike
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn
Vol 1555
A Very Taxing Experience
Tami puts her head in her hands: Salad choices?
Waiter: Yes, Ma'am.
Tami: How about a garden salad?
Waiter: Yes, Ma'am, and what type of dressing?
Tami: French.
Waiter: The style of French, lite, or regular?
Tami: Regular.
Waiter: Very well.
Tami: Whew, I am utterly exhausted...
her psychologist is at the next table...he is watching her and
furiously
taking notes.
After eating her salad, the cook who looks a lot like Rudy wearing
a chef's hat, apron (a bit dirty), smoking a large cigar dropping
ashes
everywhere comes and drops the T-bone steak on her plate...uncooked.
Tami: What is this?
Cook: A T-bone steak.
Tami: It is uncooked.
Cook: It is what you ordered.
Tami: I want it cooked.
Cook: It will cost you more.
Tami: Ack! Okay, fine, cook it medium.
The cook grabs the steak with his paws and takes it back to the
kitchen.
Tami buries her head in her hands...
Just then Rob enters .... He is greeted by three employees who take
his coat, pin a carnation on his shirt, he is gleefully escorted to
the
table with two musicians playing music. He is seated, water is
poured
for him, while two waiters wait on him.
Rob: What a wonderful place!
Slap!
To be continued
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Adult Adult Adult
Remember 9/11/01
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