Adult Adult
I was sitting here this afternoon and the phone rang. It was
herd member Dixie calling to ask a few questions and as we
were talking Sandy came up and said she was out of cigarettes
and wanted me to roll a few. Dixie asked to talk to Eva for a few
minutes so I could have my hands free and I handed Eva the
phone. There was a conversation going on as I rolled about
two packs of smokes and ten minutes later I asked for the
phone back. When I got the phone, Travis, Dixie's son who
had just turned eight was on the phone with Eva and I wished him
a belated happy birthday. He then asked to talk to Eva again
so I handed her the phone and Eva said," Hi, I'm back again."
and they started talking about music and Lady Gaga and I heard
the sounds of Paparazzi and Telephone coming from the phone.
The talk then moved to Justin Beiger, not sure whether they played
any of Justin's music and then they started talking about Facebook
and with some help Eva went to Travis' page where she saw a
picture of Travis in a bubble bath with just his face showing. Eva
was telling him, "Oh you are so cute." After that they talked about
vampires and such for another 10 minutes and hung up. I never
did finish the conversation with Dixie heh heh. Eva still has a month
to go until she turns five and sometimes I think she has better social
skills then her mom.
Enjoy the chips...buffalo
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Snail Chips
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A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for
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this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very
last minute, she realized that she didn't have any
snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband
to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some
snails.
Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked
out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As
he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful
woman strolling alongside the water just a little
further down the beach.
He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if
she would even just come down and talk to me?" He
went back to gathering the snails.
All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman
was standing right over him. They started talking and
she invited him back to her place. They ended up
spending the night together. At seven o'clock the next
morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's
dinner party!!"
He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast,
grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down
the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the
stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that
when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the
bucket of snails. There were snails all down the
stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry
wife standing in the door way wondering where he's
been all this time.
He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he
looked at her, then back at the snails and said, "Come
on guys, we're almost there!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Toon Chips For Those Who Can't Wait
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Nuts Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So there I was, Saturday night and I didn't have a date. I called up my
old buddy Joe. He said he knew a girl from the husk of the underworld
named Hazel.
I said, "Hazel? Nuts. She already knows me."
Looked like it was gonna be a long night. The office door opened. In
walked a doll who was all curves. Her meat was all in the right places.
Legumes up to here. But her best asset was the nuts on her chest. Beauty
may be only shell deep, but in this racket the shell was as deep as I
cared to go.
"Well, my little pistachio, what can I do for you?" I queried.
As soon as she opened her mouth I had her pegged as a real nut case.
She lit a cigarette, inhaled sharply then blew the smoke into my face. I
could tell she was no macademician. Probably never even finished high
school.
"Are you Al Mond?" she asked. I nodded in answer.
"We can't talk here." she whispered, blowing more smoke at me, "Let's go
to a little place I know about."
I locked the door behind us and she led the way to a little hole in the
walnut cafe. We ordered coffee and the waiter brought us picante sauce
with chips.
"I'm sorry," she said, "I should have come to you from the start, I just
didn't know what to do. Now it may be too late!"
A tear fell from her eye when she said this. I almost felt sorry for
her, but I'd seen her type and was too hardened to fall for this ploy.
She continued her story.
It seemed a peanut from Brazil had run away from home because she hated
her parents. She had quickly gotten mixed up in the underworld and was
soon turning tricks for a Madame in a brothel. Since the Madame was also
quite famous for her gardening, her 'girls' were known as "Planter's
Peanuts."
In short, the runaway peanut had become a sordid nut.
The doll in the red dress thought I should go rescue the little peanut.
Seems the peanut was the sister of this red pistachio.
I saw right through her. "Look, doll," I told her, "you didn't come here
to talk about peanuts. What's really on your mind?"
She silently lit another cigarette while the heat in the joint was going
up. The air conditioner must have broken; I was roasting! Beads of sweat
trickled down into my eyes blurring my vision; or was it the sweat? I
was feeling a little dizzy, too.
"Just this, Al." Red dress said, tossing her hair in a saucy way, "You
stepped on too many toes in your career, made too many enemies. No place
is safe for you any longer. If I were you, I'd start praline to whatever
God you have that your enemies don't decide to move against you. I'd
hate to see you assaulted."
It was the most words she'd spoken to me all night. Then I realized
where I'd seen her before.
"Cashew!" I said, the cafe spinning faster by the second.
"Bless you!" she smiled, blowing more smoke at me.
"You're Cashew. The main squeeze of the notorious Phil Bert, of the
Spanish Peanut gang!" I said.
"That's right, honey!" she answered, "The man you put into the slammer
last month. He ordered a hit on you and I thought it appropriate that I
should be the one who did the job. Guess you won't be needing this any
longer!"
With that she took my wallet from my jacket pocket, and my gun. I
realized then that the coffee had bean poisoned and my career had just
come to an abrupt end.
She crushed her cigarette out on the table, then got up and walked out
of the joint, wobbling slightly on the spiked heels she was wearing.
My boys were waiting for her, and I got the pleasure of watching them
grab her just as I passed out. My boys got me to the hospital in time
for me to be able to tell you this tale.
The case of the Ravishing Chestnut was closed. Another escape for me, Al
Mond, the Nutcracker. (By Clynch Varnadore)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Parrot Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three nuns passed every day through a street that led them from
Church to a Reformatory. They noticed a parrot that stood at the
entrance of a big residential house. Every time they passed in
front of that house, the bird would pronounce three sequential
colors.
One day, they heard, "yellow, blue, black."
One of the nuns noticed that those colors perfectly matched the
colors of their underwear. She mentioned her discovery to the
other two nuns, but both were reluctant to believe that could be
possible.
The next day, they all wore black underwear and passed in front
of the house, and very precisely the parrot spoke,
"black, black, black."
Hearing that, the three nuns were astonished! One of the nuns
spoke up,
"Girls, tomorrow we are going to trick that bird." Saying that,
she recommended that the next day, none of them should be wearing
any underwear under their vestments.
Respecting their agreement, the next day they wore no underwear,
and proceeded to pass in front of the parrot's house.
Initially, the parrot looked a bit puzzled, he swung back and
forth on his perch.
Then, after a while, the Parrot said,
"Straight, Straight, Curly!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Penis Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A gentleman goes to see the doctor about getting something done
about his missing penis, which he lost in the war. The doctor
asks the man how many males were in his family and the gentleman
replied seven. The doctor said if they all agreed, he could take
an inch off of each male and the gentleman would have a eight
inch penis.
The gentleman asked the other males in his family if they would
agree to having the surgery and everyone said yes. The next day
all eight males went into the hospital to have the surgery. After
it was all performed the doctor told the gentleman that he had a
brand new eight inch penis, but to be extremely careful with it
and to come back and see him in a week.
The next week the gentleman goes back to see the doctor and the
doctor asked him how his new penis was working. The gentleman
replied,
"Great doc, but I only have one question. Who's brilliant idea
was it to put grandpa's part in the middle?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Random Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The young man was trying to impress his Jewish girlfriend during
Hanukkah and was totally shocked when she slapped him after he asked
if he could light-up her labia menorah.
Two gals setting in cocktail lounge. Time is about 8:30 P.M. Said
one:
"It looks like a dull evening. By golly, if I'm not in bed by 10
o'clock, I'm going home!"
Did you hear Tonya Harding and Michael Jackson bought Aqueduct
Racetrack? She's going to do the handicapping and he's going to
ride the three-year-olds.
A couple were applying for a marriage license. "Your name?" "Ole
Olson." "And yours?" "Lena Olson." "Any connection?" The bride
blushed. "Only vunce. He yumped me."
Usually the staff of the company play football. The middle level
managers are more interested in Tennis. The top management usually
has a preference for Golf. Conclusion: The further you go up the
corporate ladder, the smaller the balls get.
The locale was a nudist colony. The boy and the girl were strolling
through the woods. Shyly his words reached her blushing ears:
"Don't look now but I think I'm falling in love with you."
Did you know that Muslims face Mecca to pray; New York Reform Jews
face the 'Stage Delicatessen'; and Boston Priests face the Jury.
Why can't a penis be 12 inches long?
Because 12 inches is a foot.
How are airplanes and women alike?
They both have cockpits
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LynnLynn's Links
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If You haven't joined LynnLynn's mailing List yet, send a blank
e-mail to LynnLynns-links-subscribe@Yahoogroups.com
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Subscribers and Friends
Melva/New Music 3
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John w/ I Don't Want To Set The World On Fire
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Fears
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~~~~~Open My Eyes~~~~
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Excedrin
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Excuse Me Miss
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Fairytale Ending
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Flashlights
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Ollie
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Parrot Plays Golf
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Pepsi Please
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Pilobolus
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Ponies
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
buffalo Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
At 85 years of age, Buffalo married Jenny, a
lovely 25 year old.
Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that
after their wedding she and Buffalo should have
separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that
her new but aged husband may overexert himself if
they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for
bed and the expected knock on the door. Sure enough
the knock comes, the door opens and there is Buffalo,
her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as
one. All goes well, Buffalo takes leave of his bride,
and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her
bedroom door, and it's Buffalo, Again he is ready for
more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for
more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Buffalo
kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it -
Buffalo is back again, rapping on the door, and is
as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action'. And,
once more they enjoy each other.
But as Buffalo gets set to leave again, his young bride
says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age
you can perform so well and so often. I have been with
guys less than a third of your age who were only good
once.You are truly a great lover, Buffalo.'
Buffalo, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and
says: 'You mean I was here already?'
Randy
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Toon Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
booty queen
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bottles
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bottom lines
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bottomless cheerleaders
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bought drink
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Limerick Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In the kitchen he wanted to boff her.
Satisfaction he tried to proffer.
She replied, "I am sold,
But the floor is too cold."
So he made her a counter-offer.
______________________________
A methodical fellow named Wade,
Could recall every girl that he'd laid.
He recorded each poke,
Every thrust, every stroke,
And precisely how much he'd been paid.
______________________________
Priscilla, her breasts bouncing gaily,
Liked to screw with a friendly Israeli.
Just the thought of his schmuck
Got her ready to fuck,
Which they did six or seven times daily.
<snaged by>
Ross
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Parting Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Twenty-four hours before his wedding, a young
man asks his dad if he has any fatherly advice
to impart before the big day.
"Just two things," the father says. "First off, tell her
you must have one night a week to go out with
the boys."
"And what's the other one?" the son asks.
"Don't waste it on the boys."
randy
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn
Vol 1986 Help I've Been Burgled! (From Dad's View)
Ring ring!
BJ: Hello this is BJ.
Police: This is the Guthrie Police Department. We have a report that
your front door is open. We have officers at your residence.
BJ: I am on the way. click! Thirty minutes later. Police cars are in the
driveway. Sandi is running around, Katie is locked up in an animal
control vehicle.
Officer: We have secured the site but would like for you to see if
anything is missing. A few minutes later..
BJ: No, nothing is missing, as you probably noticed I am living in a
pretty empty house. They probably saw there was nothing there and left.
The TV is too small to take so they just left.
Officer: I have to give you this citation for dogs running loose.
BJ: Hey, that's not fair. They opened the doors and let them loose so
they could enter my home.
Officer: Still you could have secured them in your dog run.
BJ: The perps could have just as easily opened the gate.
Officer: You can argue this in court sir.
The herd (darn right I will argue this in court. The dogs were probably
sleeping or watching TV when rudely interrupted)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Adult Adult
*********************************************
Remember 9/11/01
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In accordance with the 2004 Can-Spam act you can contact me at:
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Compilation and narrative copyright 2002 by william Brabant
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