Adult Adult
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
A Happy Valentine's Day to all out there. It is fitting that the
man did receive sainthood for his efforts at keeping lovers
from being drafted into the Roman Legions. Just like during
the early days of the Vietnam war the military would not draft
married men because they knew that they wouldn't fight their
best quelling slave uprisings in the Empire if they were married.
Eva came into my room yesterday morning and said she was
sick and puked on the floor. I got up and cleaned up the mess
and checked to see if she had a fever and put her back to bed.
She seemed to be back to normal later in the day, so maybe it
was only the one day flu. I am just wondering why she didn't
wake Mom or Grandma up instead. It may also explain my
aches and pains of the past few days but there is always reasons
for that.
Enjoy the chips and remember dark chocolate is good for you.
buffalo
WnW_BigList
Adult orientated, Semi-Moderated humor list.
Filled with jokes and toons, pix n info, Basically anything but
SPAM!
ABSOLUTELY NO GRAPHIC, KIDDIE or BESTALITY nudity ALLOWED
But toons of any nature are acceptable.
To access the home pages files n folders you must have a PROFILE
With a legal AGE of 18 or older!
We are a fun loving group, promising smiles and laughter for all!
Sign up today and see what we got!
Invite your friends as well, the more the merrier!
Visit group on web at:
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Insult Chips
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These glorious insults are from an era before the English language
got boiled down to 4-letter words.
A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on
the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies
or your mistress."
"He had delusions of adequacy."
-- Walter Kerr
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
-- Winston Churchill
Lady to Winston Churchill, "If I were your wife, I would give you
poison."
To which Churchill responded, "Madam, if I were your husband, I
would take it!"
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with
great pleasure."
-- Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to
the dictionary."
-- William Faulkner about Ernest Hemingway.
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time
reading it."
-- Moses Hadas
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I
approved of it."
-- Mark Twain
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."
-- Oscar Wilde
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play;
bring a friend....if you have one."
George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second.... if
there is one."
Winston Churchill, in response.
"I feel so miserable without you it's almost like having you here."
-- Stephen Bishop
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
-- John Bright
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing
trivial."
-- Irvin S. Cobb
"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in
others."
-- Samuel Johnson
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
-- Paul Keating
"In order to avoid being called a flirt she always yielded easily."
-- Charles, Count Talleyrand
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
-- Forrest Tucker
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address
on it?"
-- Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
-- Mae West
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
-- Oscar Wilde
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts...for support
rather than illumination."
-- Andrew Lang
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
-- Billy Wilder
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening...but this wasn't it."
-- Groucho Marx
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Toon Chips For Those Who Can't Wait
happy valentines to u too!
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sorry
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MRE Chips
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This is absolutely HILARIOUS..for those of us who have eaten these
things we can definitely understand how she felt-----
For all of you who Know what an MRE is... And those that don't this
is too funny and true not to read.
MRE dinner date, the following is a true story... Told from the
point of view of a young Marine.
I had a date the other night at my place. On the phone the day
before, the girl asked me to "Cook her something she's never had
before" for dinner.
After many minutes of scratching my head over what to make, I
finally settled on something she has DEFINITELY, definitely had
never eaten before.
I got out my trusty case of MRE's. (Meal, Ready-to-Eat) Field
rations that when eaten in their entirety contain 3000+ calories in
each meal.
Here's what I made: I took three of the Ham Slices out of their
plastic packets, took out three of the Pork Chops, three packets of
Chicken-a-la-king and eight packets of dehydrated butter noodles and
some dehydrated/rehydrated rice.
I cooked the Ham Slices and Pork Chops in one pan, sautd in shaved
garlic and olive oil. In another pot, I blended the Chicken
a-la-king, noodles, and rice together to make a sort of mush that
looked suspiciously like succotash.
I added some spices, and blended everything together in a glass pan
that I then cooked in the oven for about 35 minutes at 450 degrees.
When I took it out, it looked like, well, ham slices, pork chops,
and a bed of yellow poop. I covered the tops of the meat in the MRE
cheese (kinda like Velveeta) and added some green sprinkly things
from one of my spice cans (hey, if it has green sprinkly things on
it, it looks fancy right?
For dessert, I took four MRE Pound Cakes, mashed 'em up, added five
packets of cocoa powder, powdered coffee cream, and some water. I
heated it up and stirred it until it looked like a sort of chunky
gelatinous xxxxxxx, and I sprinkled powdered sugar on top of it.
Voilaanger Pudding.
For alcoholic drinks, I took the rest of my bottle of Military
Special Vodka (yes, they DO make a type of liquor named "Military
Special"...it sells for $4.35 per fifth at the Class Six) and mixed
in four packets of "Electrolytes - 1 each - Cherry flavored" (I
swear, the packet says that). It looked like an eerie Kool-Aid with
sparkles in it (that was the electrolytes I guess... Could've been
leftover sand from Egypt ).
I lit two candles, put a vase of wildflowers in the middle, and set
the table with my best set of Ralph Lauren Academy -series China
(that stuff is EXPENSIVE... My set of 8 place settings cost me over
$600 on sale at the Lejeune PX), and put the alcoholic drink in a
crystal wine decanter.
She came over, and I had some appetizers already made, of MRE
spaghetti-with-meatballs, set in small cups. She saw the dinner,
saw the food, and said "This looks INCREDIBLE!!!"
We dug in, and she loved the food.
Throughout the meal, she kept asking me how long it took me to make
it, and kept remarking that I obviously knew a thing or two about
cooking fine meals. She kind of balked at the make-shift "wine" I
had set out, but after she tried it I guess she liked it because she
drank four glasses during dinner.
At the end of the main course, when I served the dessert, she
squealed with delight at the "Chocolate mousse" I had made. Huh?
Chocolate what? Okay... Yeah... Its Chocolate Moose. Took me
HOURS to make... Yup!
Later on, as we were watching a movie, she excused herself to use my
rest room. While she was in there, I heard her say softly to
herself "uh oh" and a resounding but petite fart punctuated her
utterance of dismay.
Let the games begin. She sprayed about half a can of air freshener
(Air Freshener, 1 each, Orange scent. Yup. The military even makes
smell-good) and returned to the couch, this time with an obvious
pained look.
After 10 more minutes she excused herself again, and retreated to
the bathroom for the second time, I could hear her say, "What the
hell is WRONG with me???" as she again send flatulent shockwaves
into the porcelain bowl. This time, they sounded kinda wet, and I
heard the toilet paper roll being employed, and again, LOTS more air
freshener.
Back to the couch. She smiles meekly as she decides to sit on the
chair instead of next to me. She sits on my chair, knees pulled up
to her chest, kind of rocking back and forth slightly.
Suddenly, without a word, she ROCKETED up and FLEW to the bathroom,
slammed the door, and didn't come out for 30 minutes.
I turned the movie up because I didn't want her to hear me laughing
so hard that tears were streaming down my cheeks.
She came out with a slightly gray pallor to her face, and said "I am
SOOOOOO sorry. I have NO idea what is wrong with me. I am so
embarrassed; I can't believe I keep running to your bathroom!!"
I gave her an Imodium AD, and she finally settled down and relaxed.
Later on, she asked me again what I had made for dinner, because she
had enjoyed it so much. I calmly took her into the kitchen and
showed her all the used MRE bags and packets in the trash can.
After explaining to her that she had eaten roughly 9,000 calories of
"Marine Corps Field Rations" she turned stark white, looked at me
incredulously, and said "I ate 9,000 calories of dehydrated food
that was made 3 years ago?"
After I admitted it, she grabbed her coat and keys, and took off
without a word. She called me yesterday. Seems she couldn't shit
for
5 days, and when she finally did, the smell was so bad, her roommate
could smell it from down the hall. She also told me she had been
working out nonstop to combat the high caloric intake, and that she
never wanted me to cook dinner for her again, unless she was
PERSONALLY present and supervising.
It was a fun date. She laughed about it eventually and said that
that was the first time she'd ever crapped in a guy's house on a
date. She'd been so upset by it she was in tears in the bathroom
while I had been in tears on the couch.
I know... I'm an asshole, but it was still a funny night.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Bankrupt Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Gentlemen:
I have just received your letter in regards to the bill I owe you.
You said the bill should have been paid long ago and you don't
understand why it wasn't.
Well, I will enlighten you. In 1957 I bought a sawmill on credit. In
1959 I bought an ox team, a timber cart and two ponies; a shotgun, a
wine tester, a Colt revolver and five razorback hogs all on credit.
In 1960 the sawmill burned down. One of my ponies died and the other
I loaned to a son-of-a-bitch who starved him to death.
In 1961 my father died and my mother was hung for horse rustling. A
mechanic named Joe knocked up my daughter and I had to pay the
doctor $88.32 to keep the bastard from becoming a relative of mine.
In 1963 my son had the mumps and they went down on him; the doctor
had to castrate him to save his life. That summer I went fishing and
the boat turned over and I lost the biggest catfish you ever saw,
and one of my sons drowned (not the castrated one).
In 1966 my wife ran away with another feller and left me with the
three small children as a souvenir.
I married the hired girl to keep down expenses, but I had trouble
getting her off, and the doctor told me to try to create some
excitement just as she was beginning to get aroused. That night I
pointed the shotgun out the window while we were in bed and just as
she was beginning to orgasm I pulled the trigger. Well, she shit the
bed, I ruptured myself and killed the best damn milk cow I ever had.
The next year my troubles really started.
My wife caught the clap from the ice man, my son wiped his ass with
a corn cob with poison ivy on it, and someone de-nutted my best
bull.
In 1970 I decided to go into another business on my own. I ordered
six bee hives from Sears, Roebuck, and Company. I bought a swarm of
bees and a queen bee all on credit on the installment plan. The
queen bee died and I ordered another one. She turned out to be a
whore and started running around with a horsefly. The honey tasted
like shit so I couldn't sell it.
So now, gentlemen, you say if I do not pay you, you will cause me
trouble. Right now if it costs two cents to shit, I'd have to puke.
Getting money out of me would be like trying to poke butter up a
wildcat's ass with a hot trowel, but you are welcome to try.
Yours for more credit,
Max
Stan Kegel
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Random Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mr. Cleaver told his wife, "I think we need to find a new
baby-sitter for little Wally. This Judi is just too worldly-wise
for a teenager."
"But Wally said she told him some sort of interesting story about
animals last night," Mrs. Cleaver replied, "Uh huh. And when I
asked little Wally about it, he said it was about a wolf who was
trapped into giving a mink to a fox with a beaver."
A man, suspecting his wife of infidelity, hired a detective to
shadow her. After a few days the detective discovered the wife in
her own room with a boy friend in an exceptionally fond embrace on
the divan.
Quickly locating the husband, he brought him to the home where both
peeked in through the door and found the couple still making love.
Visibly shocked, the husband invited the detective into the kitchen,
saying: "Let's have some coffee while I think." The detective
replied:
"Certainly, thanks, but just make me one cup. That's all I'm
allowed."
"Sure," said the husband, "that's enough for me, too." So they
retired to the kitchen where the husband silently brewed two
steaming cups of coffee. As they sat down to drink, the detective
broke the silence:
"Well, what about the fellow in there?" Replied the husband: "Oh,
the hell with him; let him make his own coffee."
Mary, despite her good looks and charm, had still never dated any
boys at the age of 19. Today she was asking her aunt Martha for
advice with boys. "Aunt Martha," she started, "I've just started
French kissing Tommy and I need to know where the spit should go. I
don't want to dribble on my boyfriend." "Swallow." Her aunt advised.
"This will make you even more popular later on."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Retirement Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an
early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered
for early retirement a bonus of $1000 for every inch measured in a
straight line between any two points in his body. The officer's got
to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the
top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet
and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be
measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He
walked out with $96,000.
The third one was a grizzly old Captain who, when asked where he
would like to be measured replied, "from the tip of my penis to my
testicles." It was suggested by the pension man that he may want to
reconsider, explaining about the nice checks the previous two
officers had received. But the old Captain insisted and they
decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by
a medical officer.
The medical officer arrived and instructed the Captain to "drop em",
which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the
tip of the Captain's penis and began to work back. "My God!" he
suddenly exclaimed, Where are your testicles?"
The Captain calmly replied..."Vietnam"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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LynnLynn's Links
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If You haven't joined LynnLynn's mailing List yet, send a blank
e-mail to LynnLynns-links-subscribe@Yahoogroups.com
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Subscribers and Friends
A Valentine's Day Prayer
http://www.dobhran.com/greetings/GRvalentine12.htm
Brother Bob's Poems Of The Week:
http://ministry-webs.com/ministry/brotherbob/index.html
My Valentine
http://www.loratrue2000.com/poems/myvalentine.htm
A Valentine Prayer
http://llerrah.com/viewcard.php?code=1005941
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Hello,
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Surfin Surfari
Valentine's Day History
http://www.brownielocks.com/valentinehistory.html
Love's Lust!
http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/poems/desire.html
http://www.reflectionsofsouthbreeze.com/Pages/BeMine.htm
<A href="http://www.reflectionsofsouthbreeze.com/Pages/BeMine.htm">
AOL Link</A>
Graphics by Ultimate Designs Graphics
http://www.reflectionsofsouthbreeze.com/Pages/MyValentineToYou2.htm
<A
href="http://www.reflectionsofsouthbreeze.com/Pages/MyValentineToYou2.htm">
AOL Link</A>
Photography and Set by Moon and Back
http://www.reflectionsofsouthbreeze.com/Pages/tomorrow.htm
<A
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<A
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AOL Link</A>
Graphics by Penny Parker
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Tech Talk ( Computers and Web-tv)
Betty Croker Yummies!
http://tinyurl.com/ydt6dyq
Kraft: Sweets for Valentines
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Valentine's Day-History and Customs
http://wilstar.com/holidays/valentn.htm
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Movie Links
Midgey
http://www.buffaloschips.com/abjhuh.htm
Momma Is Santa
http://www.buffaloschips.com/agfrtt.htm
Morning Peepers
http://www.buffaloschips.com/adfgff.htm
Moshonov
http://www.buffaloschips.com/afgftt.htm
Mother's Day
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Moulin Huge
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Love 2008
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Love Boat
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Lucha
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Luckiest Man On The Planet
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Lucky 1
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Random Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
These days the only real "safe sex" involves going out with a man
who's impotent.
Meanwhile, back at the oasis, the Arabs were eating their dates.
If Dracula hired a lady of the evening, could she be considered
"Down for the count"?
While it might be considered somewhat, er, shall we say 'outre',"
the physician told the inquiring husband. "I don't see any real
harm from your wife's night-creaming her genital area with various
whipped edible varieties." "But Doc !!!" the man persisted. "I'm
already 30 pounds overweight."
The evangelist was haranguing the crowd and carrying on and on about
sin, "The wages of sin are high." he bellowed. A young man sitting
in the back yelled out, "Not if you can find somebody who'll do it
for free."
I think it's important to remember that we just can't be good at
everything. For example, look at Liberace, he was a great pianist,
but he sucked on the organ.
Husband, upon meeting ex- after two years of separation: "Listen
honey, why don't we have a few drinks, dinner, go to my apartment
and really make love?" Ex-: "Over my dead body!" Husband: "Great!
But I see you haven't changed one bit The English teacher of the
girls school used to fail all her students who did not put a
full-stop at the end of their sentences. I guess, she really hated
it when her girls missed their periods.
"Mommy, I just found out that our neighbor's son has a penis like a
peanut!" "You mean it's small?" "No it's salty!"
What happens to a man who spends the night at a gay bar?
He wakes up with a queer taste in his mouth.
Why did the gay man take two aspirin with his Viagra?
So sex wouldn't be such a pain in the ass.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Toon Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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arab get oil
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Limerick Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
that'll touch your heart-
Roses are red,
or are they blue?
Hell I don't know
but i do like you.
I love you more
than my truck's tires.
Yer more useful than my
old rusty pliers.
You cook a good deer
and fry a good egg,
just wish you'd shave that
hair off your legs.
If you decide not to do it, Pumkin Face,
It's okay, I'll still feel the same,
I'll just keep on tellin my buddies,
yer up fer a part in Planet of the Apes.
Yer my pride and joys,
What a lady!
But hows come we do it
only when it's my payday?
When I ran over ya with my truck,
you didn't even say "ouch."
And you are so cute,
when you wipe your boogers under the couch.
I hope we stay together,
at least a couple more days-
cuz i'm really horney
and I want to get laid.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Parting Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A stenographer who was struck on the shoulder by a flying paper
clip, decided to visit the company doctor. It was her first visit
there, and being naturally shy, she hesitated a while before going
over to a middle-aged man, explained her trouble and asked him to
examine her shoulder. He responded agreeably, and began to examine
her thoroughly.
It was not long until the blushing young maiden looked down and
said, "But Doctor, that isn't my shoulder you're examining." "That's
all right," he said, "I'm not the Doctor."
Murray had a new flame, and before long they had a difference of
opinion. "I don't like the way you're carrying on with other guys,"
he ranted, "That must stop!" "Calm down, Murray," she replied,
"There's no reason for you to flip. Listen, don't I always let you
take me to shows?" "Yeah." "And to dinner?" "That's right." "And
don't I let you buy me flowers and clothes, and other gifts?"
"Yeah." "So what are you getting excited about," she assured him, "I
only use the other guys for love-making."
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Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
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Katie's Komfort Kolumn
Vol 1977
The Adventures of Katie (part three)
From Katie's view
Katie: Oh there is Kristie, I will go say hi to her and there is
her
doggie, I will make a new friend.
Katie: Hi Kristie, what is you doggie's name?
SNAP! Growl! Bite!
Katie: Yipe! I am out of here!
Katie: That dog is lucky I didn't have my karate outfit on or I
would
have taken it down..heyah!
Katie: Oh there is Kristie's daughter, I need to tell her what
happened.
Katie: Oh hello Kristie's daughter. Say be careful with your car.
Thud!
Katie: Ouch! That hurt! Maybe Sandi was right I should have
stayed in
the yard with them. I need to run and get away from these bipeds.
Where is safety? Where is home? Dad left earlier. I am confused.
Did he go home? Did he go back to Guthrie? Maybe I need to go home
to
Guthrie.
To be continued
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Adult Adult
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Remember 9/11/01
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