Adult Adult
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
I got a few responses to my story on police radar yesterday.
Seems that some of you have been exposed to automated
radar and tickets along the way.... Big Brother is watching
you.... heh heh. Fortunately this little town can't afford that
equipment yet, we only get those trailers with all the batteries
and solar panels that tell you what your speed was as you
drive past. On the first day they do deter people a little bit,
although they do sometimes run into each other or the curb
as they are paying too much attention to what their speed
is on the sign. It's kind of like those signs that were popular
during the 80's like Child On Board or Pet On Board. There
are people that almost rear ended the vehicles looking to
see if there really was a kid or pet in the car. Supposedly
it would help if you were in an accident, the responders would
look for a child or pet in the wreckage. An even better one
would have been Naked Woman On Board... Every man on
the freeway would stop to help look.
Anyhow getting back to the radar signs, they work well the first
day or two but then people try to use them to check their
speedometers,
" Oh Look, my speedometer is off 3 mph at 70." and the sign
is in a 20 mph School Zone. There is also the problem that most
of the year we don't have enough sunlight to recharge the things
so it usually about noon before they start to display anything and
the LCD is not backlit so they are no good after dark.
In the end though when they get you, the fines aren't all that bad,
it's the court costs and all the add-ons that really get you
including
the fact your insurance is going up. The last ticket I had, which
was
driving the wrong way down a one way street, I had to pay into a
victims fund, a police training fund, and a drivers training fund.
The
65 dollar ticket went to 190 dollars and that was like 15 years
ago.
I hate to see what it is today. If you get your license revoked or
suspended
you not only have to pay a reactivation fee to get it back, you
have to pay it every year, I guess just to refresh your memory. Oh
well enough reminiscing for the day.
Enjoy the chips.... buffalo
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Men Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Six Short Stories For Men, By Men
ONE
I was walking through the cemetery this morning and saw a guy
crouching down behind a tombstone. I said, "Mourning?."
He said, "No, just taking a shit."
TWO
When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I
realized that God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked
Him to forgive me.
THREE
My girlfriend was in labor with our first child. She was shouting,
"Get this out of me! Give me the drugs!" She looked at me and
yelled, "You did this to me, you bastard!" I casually replied, "If
you remember, I wanted to stick it up your ass but you said, 'That
would hurt too much'."
FOUR
I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my annual
checkup.. She told me that I had to quit masturbating. I asked why
and she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you."
FIVE
I was walking down the road and saw my Afghani neighbor Abdul
standing on his fifth floor apartment balcony shaking a carpet. I
shouted up to him, "What's wrong, Abdul? Won't it start?"
SIX
My girlfriend and I were making love when she looked up at me and
said, "Make love to me like in the movies." So I turned her over on
all fours, stuck it in her ass, pulled out, flipped her back over
and came all over her face and hair. I never saw her again after
that night. I guess we don't watch the same movies.
Randy
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Snake Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow
choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter.
As one cowboy's horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a
rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine. The horse reared
and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake.
"Hold on there, partner," said the snake. "Don't shoot - I'm an
enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any
three wishes you want."
The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of
the snake's striking range. He said, "OK, first, I'd like to have a
face like Clark Gable, then, I'd like a build like Arnold
Schwarzenegger, and finally, I'd like sexual equipment like this
here horse I'm riding."
The rattlesnake said, "All right, when you get back to the bunk
house you'll have all three wishes."
The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all
the way to the bunk house. He dismounted on the run and went
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Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked at his crotch and
shouted...
"Oh My God... I was riding the MARE!".
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Random Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
"My ex thought he was so good he called himself 'Hammer.'" "Why? I
don't understand." "He liked to talk about how often he nailed me."
An eight-year-old boy asked his father what is the difference with
an old-time woman's panty and a now-a- days panty. His father told
him that from his experience the only suitable answer he could give
him was that you had to move the panty to see the ass a long time
ago, but now you have to move the ass to see the panty!
Gay politicians are always seeking mandates.
The drinker announced to the bartender, "It seems I've been
informally named advisor on 'Sexual Matters' at my company." "That
sounds interesting. Does this mean you'll be counseling the big
bosses on relations with their secretaries?
answered. "During a staff meeting, I popped up to suggest a
reduction in executive expense accounts and it was after that I was
told if they ever wanted my fuckin, advice, they'd let me know."
Stan Kegel
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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AOL Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
AOL: America Online, this is Sue speaking.
Caller: Hi, I have some questions about American Online before I
join.
AOL: Okay, ma'am, what's your question?
Caller: Well, some of my friends who have AOL say they get something
called "cybersex"..
AOL: (quiet laugh in the background) Well ma'am... I don't know how
to explain this, but cybersex is not part of America Online.
Caller: Oh really? My friends said they got it from AOL.
AOL: Well it's something members typically do when they go to a chat
room.
Caller: Hmmmm...I don't understand, what is cybersex??
AOL: I'm sorry, I really don't know how to explain it.
Caller: Hmmm..well, have you ever had cybersex?
AOL: Ma'am, I don't think that's an appropriate question to be
asking
me. Is there anything else you need?
Caller: Sorry, like I said I don't even know what it is.
AOL: That's okay ma'am, anything else?
Caller: Yes, I have one more question.
AOL: Go ahead...
Caller: What are you wearing?
AOL: <click>
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Random Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Rectal biopsies can be a real pain in the ass.
There was an announcement in our homeowners association bulletin of
a meeting of the local Premature Ejaculators Anonymous group at the
clubhouse at 8 PM Wednesday. I decided to go and see what the group
was like. I walked into the clubhouse meeting room just before 8:00
that evening and found the room completely empty. It was then I
realized that I came too soon.
Tip for beginning rock stars: Never moon the audience while
suffering from projectile diarrhea ~ that's when the shit hits the
fan.
The guy went into a restaurant and ordered his meal. When the
waitress came out with his soup, he noticed that she had her thumb
stuck into the soup. This upset him, but he let it go. She then
brought out his chili, and again her thumb was in the food. He let
it go again. When she brought out his hot fudge sundae, her thumb
was in the food and this was too much for him. "Gawdammit," said the
man, "get your damn thumb out of my food!" "Well, I injured it a
while ago, and the doctor said I should keep it warm." "Why don't
you just shove it up your ass?" the man said angrily. "OH," she
replied, "that's what I do when I'm in the kitchen!"
The sex-ed class was dismissed early when order couldn't be restored
after the teacher stated that simultaneous orgasms were mostly a
stroke of luck.
Stan Kegel
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Short Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
The newly wed seniors were having sexual problems. The counselor
thought it might be due to the fact that the woman was taller. He
suggested special shoes with build-up heels to help the man's ego.
The next month, he asked if things had improved in their love life
with the shoes.
"Well yes..." the woman replied, "but those shoes get the sheets so
dirty."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
The girl called a sex therapist and said, "Remember when you told me
the way to a man's heart was through his stomach? Well, last night I
found a new route... Now I need some birth control pills."
The doc asked, "What's his occupation?"
The girl said, "Army."
"Active or retired?"
"If he wasn't active, I wouldn't need these damn pills, would I?!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
"But this isn't an engagement ring." the young lady protested. "Why
it's just a tiny unset diamond."
"Yeah ! I know." said the fellow, "And, it'll be mounted in a
cluster
around a big one, the very day after you are."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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LynnLynn's Links
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Adobe - Security bulletins and advisories
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The Futurama Encyclopedia via Wesley
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Ancient Legendary Ruler's Tomb Found Via Wesley
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Freak out. No Whopper
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Short Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two fat European businessdudes returned to the Tokyo whorehouse in a
state of great rage.
"I was here last week and caught a case of the clap!" he shouted at
the madam.
"Toyota," said the madam.
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A group of rednecks sat around the pot-bellied stove in the country
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not
our ways, and we can't always understand. But if He's left you here
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Mr. McCoy sat for a minute in quiet meditation, then
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Toon Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Limerick Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ginger was feeling quite gruff
'Til he placed his head in her muff
Then she purred like a kitty
When his tongue hit her clitty
Saying, "I just can't get enough!"
____________
I wooed a buxom young nude in Bermuda,
I was lewd, but my God! She was lewder.
She said it was crude
To be wooed in the nude --
I pursued her, subdued her, and screwed her!
____________
I once had a ladyfriend, Rose,
Double-jointed she was I suppose.
And I watched fascinated,
As Rose masturbated;
Herself with the tip of her nose.
<snagged by>
Ross
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Parting Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Abby,
I have an oral sex etiquette question. While I love pleasing my
lady,
occasionally while in the middle of a "carpet munching" session a
hair gets caught in the back of my throat. I think hacking up a
hairball like a cat on speed at that special time might be
considered
poor taste. How can I take care of business and remove the offending
piece of "wool" and keep the mood?
Sincerely, Munchy
Dear Munchy:
Preparation, preparation, preparation, my son, is the key to
successful tongue lashing. Right after your lady buys you a really
expensive present, cooks you a fine, fine meal and finishes mowing
the lawn with the second-hand, push lawnmower you purchased for her
on your last anniversary, simply hand her a razor and remind her
that
her "back 40" also needs a good clip. Remember, an "idle" woman is a
demon in the making.
Abby
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bonus Chip
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Guy goes to a doctor and says he has a problem
with sex. "I think my penis is too small," he says.
The doctor asks him which drink he prefers. "Well,
Lager" he replies quite bemused.
"Aaaahhh. There's your problem. It shrinks things
those Lagers. You should try drinking Guinness.
That makes things grow."
Two months later the chap returns to the doctor
with a big smile on his face. He shakes the doctor
by the hand and thanks him.
"I take it you now drink Guinness?" asked the doc.
"No," replies the man "but I've got the wife on
Lager!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn
Vol 1754
Gizmos and Gadjets
Sandi: Daddy remember when all Katie had was her portable DVD
player and her cell phone?
BJ: Yes, why?
Sandi: Let's check in on her now but be quiet.
They sneak very quietly into Katie's dog house and there find Katie
with her Electronic gizmos. She has a belt fitted to go around her
that
holds her new 16 gig cell phone with many applications, a 16 gig mp3
player that holds 2000 songs, 200 books, and 12 movies, a portable
16
gig video game player, a portable mini tv that picks up wireless, a
PDA.
BJ whispering: I had no idea she had many electronics.
Sandi: It is beyond Rudy and me. Heck we are still using Rudy's
486
PC. I still play pong. She sits and plays video games, while
texting her
friends and watching TV while listening to her MP3 player all at the
same time. I do not know how she does it.
BJ: You know Katie, she is hyper, it fits her style. If she could
do more
she could and would.
Sandi: She is trying.
BJ: What do you mean?
Sandi: She has been practicing with her back feet to work a
keyboard.
BJ: Ack!!!!
The herd in Guthrie
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Adult Adult Adult
Remember 9/11/01
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