[buffalos-adult-chips] Chips For 1-19

 



Adult Adult

Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.

From The Archives

Life in Boot Camp began at Camp Barry, the older WWII style
barracks.

My trip to Camp Barry started at AFEES Detroit about 1500.
I was there on a Monday because on Tuesday I was supposed to report
for an induction physical. My birthday was 39 in the lottery and
they
were pulling 1-50 in my county. I had tried the Coast Guard and Army
recruiters first and the Coast Guard wanted me to lose 20 pounds
first but the Army had some great offers. With 4 years of JROTC and
two years of college they were more than
willing to offer me a job as a helicopter pilot. Once I considered
the life expectancy of helicopter pilots, I decided to go talk to
the
Navy recruiter instead and he offered me E-3 and OP specialty which
had three Seabee ratings in it. Of course when we got to
classification they were only hiring BT's and Nuclear Machinist
Mates
that day and I didn't have the desire at the time to go for a six
year hitch.

But anyhow back to Camp Barry, we landed at O'Hare at about 2000 and
by the time the bus finally got there and hauled us to Great Lakes
it
was about 0100 and we were told to make ourselves
comfortable because no one would be there till morning. They also
pointed out an amnesty barrel in the corner and read off a list of
illegal and contraband items that we should discard. It included
alcohol, drugs, guns, knives, pornography, etc. I spent my first
night in the Navy sitting in a chair napping.

First thing in the morning we did our paperwork, got our billet
numbers got haircuts, chowed down several times, and towards the
evening they issued us our uniforms and after changing and packing
our
civvies into a box to go home we were introduced to our barracks.
Generally the stay there was short with classification, testing,
shots, swim test, etc. but being as we hit there just before
Memorial
Day
weekend we spent over a week there. The old wooden style barracks
were what I expected having watched the old films, the bunks were
comfortable, the food was as good as the MSU stuff I had been eating
for the past two years, and I was used to the hazing so I was really
comfortable.

I had a new found bad habit that I had started on the way to Great
Lakes in that I had bought my first pack of cigarettes. I wasted a
lot of work time over the next 24 years taking smoke breaks or
telling someone I would start something as soon as I finished a
smoke and the Navy used it as a punishment / reward thing. Camp
Barry's buildings were a fire waiting for a place to happen though
and the only time you were allowed to smoke was in the center of
one of the bays around a bucket of sand with a fire watch present.
It
was commented that if a fire started it would consume a building in
three minutes.

Around Memorial Day one of the barracks caught fire upstairs and
burnt down over half of the building. Rumor had it that some of the
recruits in our company had been smoking pot in the second deck
of one of the unused buildings and had set some mattresses on fire
to test the theory. Never found out whether that was true but three
guys were pulled from our company about the same time. But anyhow
rather than standing a barracks watch I had a couple of days of
standing fire watch in the burnt out buildings which was fine by me
because others were stuck in the scullery during that time washing
pots and pans.

Enjoy the chips ... buffalo

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Bag Chips
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A little brown paper bag was feeling unwell, so he took himself off

to the doctors. "Doctor, I don't feel too good," said the little
paper bag.

"Hmm, you look OK to me," said the Doctor, "but I'll do a blood test

and see what that shows, come back and see me in a couple of days."

The little brown paper bag felt no better when he got back for the
results.

"What's wrong with me?" asked the little brown paper bag. "I'm
afraid
you are HIV positive!" said the doctor.

"No, I can't be I'm just a little brown paper bag!" said the little

paper bag.

"Have you been having unprotected sex?" asked the doctor.

"NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little brown paper
bag!"

"Well have you been sharing needles with other intravenous drug
users?" asked the doctor.

"NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little brown paper
bag!"

"Perhaps you've been abroad recently and required a jab or a blood
transfusion?" queried the doctor.

"NO, I don't have a passport - I'm just a little brown paper bag!"

"Well," said the doctor, "are you in a homosexual relationship?"

"NO! I told you I can't do things like that, I'm just little paper
bag!"

"Then there can be only one explanation." said the doctor. "Your
mother must have been a carrier."

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Camel Chips
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Three golfers had a big golf game with a client in Arizona. They
were running late and as luck would have it their car broke down.
They found a repair garage nearby. The mechanic told them it would
take four hours to fix their car. But he told them" You're in luck.
I have a camel that the three of you can ride over to the golf
course. This camel is smart. He can read stoplights - he'll stop and
go just as the light directs. So the three of them pile on the
camel, golf clubs and all and took off.

An hour later the mechanic saw the three of them standing a couple
of miles down the road and the camel was not in sight.

"What in the world happened and where's my camel?"

"Well, we had stopped at that light and a car pulled up along side
of us. The guy in the car stuck his head out the window and said
'Look at the three nuts on that camel!!'" When we got off to look,
the beast took off when the light turned green."

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Short Chips
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A young camper at summer camp asked the chaplain if "hard on" was
hyphenated. The chaplain replies, "What in heaven's name are you
writing home about!" The young boy says, "I'm telling Mom and Dad
about the project we worked so 'hard on'."

~~~~~~~~

A priest and a rabbi are having a few drinks together. The priest
turns to the rabbi and says, "Hey rabbi, let's go find a couple of
alter boys and screw em!", to which the rabbi replies, with his
hands spread out, "Outta what?"

~~~~~~~~~

After the big Superbowl party, Doug figured he better spend some
quality time with his wife. He climbs upstairs, walks in the bedroom
and crawls into bed. "Alright honey," he says, "Give me a play you
want me to run." "How about Foreplay?" his wife replies. "What's the
Four Play?" says Doug. "You know," the wife says, "It happens before
the two minute warning."

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Random Chips
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Two necrophiliacs are walking down the street when they pass a
funeral home. One turns to the other and says: "Hey, you wanna go
in for a couple of cold ones?"

"I'm in love with my horse," the nervous man told his psychiatrist.

"Nothing to worry about," the psychiatrist consoled. "Many people
are fond of animals. As a matter of fact, my wife and I have a dog
that we are very attached to." "But, doctor," continued the troubled
patient, "I feel, ummm... 'physically' attracted to my horse."
"Hmmm," the doctor asked, "Is it male or female?" "Female, of
course!" the man snapped. "What do you think I am, GAY?"

I'm not saying she's easy, but her body has been declared a national
recreation area.

Bad: Your wife's leaving you.
Worse: For another woman.

Teacher: "Do you know the importance of a period?" Kid: "Yeah, once
my sister said she had missed one, and my mom fainted, dad had a
heart attack, & our neighbor ran away."

Constipation: To have and to hold.

Being a virgin, Bob was very nervous about his wedding night, so he
decided to seek the advice of his friend John. "Just relax, Bob,"
counseled John. "After all, you grew up on a farm. Just do it like
the dogs do." The morning after the wedding night, the bride stormed
over to her mother's house in tears and announced that she wasn't
going to live under the same roof as Bob for even one more night.
"He's totally disgusting! He doesn't know anything at all about how
to be romantic, how to make love... he just smelled my butt and
lifted his leg on the bedpost!"

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Record Chips
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Most outstanding sex records of all time

Judging upon the work of Doctor Jacobus, which was published in
1935, the largest erected human penis was 30 centimeters long. The
smallest penis in the world is only one centimeter long. There is an
illness, at which a man does not have a penis at all - the illness
is called Congenital Hypoplasia.

T.H. van de Helde says that male testicles do not vary much in size.
However, there is a parasite worm, which blocks lymphatic vessels
and causes a very big scrotum tumor. Men of certain African and
Indonesian tribes proudly demonstrate such swollen testicles as a
symbol of their masculinity.

When Egyptian conquered Libya, they took possession of 13,320
penises of their defeated enemy. The hideous event took place in the
13th century B.C.

W.F. Benedict wrote in the book "The Sexual Anatomy of Women" that a
14-year-old girl's breasts weighed 6.3 kilograms. The book also
contains the description of the breasts of a 30-year-old woman -
hers weighed 11.3 kilograms.

Swiss biologist Albrecht von Haller said that he once saw a
clitoris, which was 30.5 centimeters long.

The largest buttocks, up to one meter in diameter, can be observed
with females from several African tribes, the Hottentotten tribe.

Scotch resident Anna Swan (1846-1888) used to be the proud owner of
the longest vagina in the world - 2 meters 30 centimeters.

The largest penis of a mammal belongs to the African elephant - it
is up to two meters long.

The longest spermatozoon is owned by Drosophila Bifurca insect. Its
spermatozoon is six centimeters long, which is 20 times as longer as
the body of the insect.

Egyptian Sundevall mouse has about a hundred of copulations per
hour.

The longest sexual intercourse was performed by a couple of
rattlesnakes (Crotalus L.) that were making love for 23 hours and 15
minutes.

Mosquitoes copulate with each other for just three seconds.

Pigs may experience a 30-minute long orgasm.

Mountainous salamander Hynobius nigrescen's pregnancy varies
depending on the height, at which the animal lives. Its pregnancy
may last for more than three years at the height of 1,400 meters
above the sea level.

The Guinness Book of World Records says that the male of East-
Australian mouse Antechinus Stuartii leads the most dangerous sex
life. Every year these mice arrange a massive copulation, when the
entire male population of the species copulates with numerous
females. Males try to eat several possible rivals too. As a result,
injuries, hunger, infections and ulcers kill the entire male
population of Antechinus stuartii in just several days.

Porn star John Dough could satisfy 55 women a day.

Woman named as Houston shocked the entire civilized world with the
orgy in 1999, during which she slept with 620 men in ten hours.

Doctor Vernon Coleman registered the longest sexual intercourse,
which lasted for 15 hours. The record was set by movie star Mae West
and her lover, known only as Ted.

The largest sex orgy took place in the year 200 B.C. in Rome, when
about 7,000 people abandoned themselves to their love passions.

Captain Cook visited the Kingdom of Tonga in 1777, as he was
traveling on the islands in the Pacific Ocean. Cook met King
Fatafehi Paulah, who told the captain that only the king had a right
to deflower all local girls. The 80-year-old king said that he had
sex with eight or ten virgins on daily basis. Therefore, the tribal
king deflowered over 37,000 local girls throughout his life.

buffalo says It's good to be king

Kenny Mccoughty delivered seven babies at once on 19 November, 1997
to her husband Bobbie. They became the happy parents with the
largest number of babies born in one birth.

Lina Medina from Peru became the youngest mother at the age of five,
when she delivered a baby boy in 1936. Doctors had to perform a
Cesarean section.

Englishman Sean Stewart became the youngest father in 1998 at the
age of 12.

Woman named as Arceli Keh was aged 63, when she delivered a
daughter, Czanthia, in 1996.

Miner Les Colley (1898 - 1998) became the oldest father, when the
man was 93 years old.

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Arkansas Chips
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I'm in Arkansas at the in-laws for Thanksgiving. My wife and I were
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sense. But, you know, I just had to wonder -- this Arkansas Wal-Mart
had "Son and Daughter" in the Anniversary section... I couldn't
bring
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I
really didn't think Hallmark would bother to cover that market, if
you know what I mean...

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Lightening Strike Caught On Tape
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Sex Chips
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Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot".
I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me.

When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the
clerk that I would like a license for Sex.

He said, "I would like to have one too!"

Then I said, "But she is a dog!"

He said he didn't care what she looked like.

I said, "You don't understand.... I have had Sex since I was nine
years old."

He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy."

When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like
to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the
wedding was over.

I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world
revolves around Sex."

He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not
marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex
at the wedding.

The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family
is barred from the church from then on.

When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me.
When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a
room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex.

He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex.

I said, "You don't understand, Sex keeps me awake at night."

The clerk said, "Me too!"

One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition
began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just
looking around.

I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest.

He said that I should have sold my own tickets.

"You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV."

He called me a show off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody
of the dog.

I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me
after I was married."

The Judge said, "Me too!"

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for
her.

A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4
o'clock in the morning.

I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case comes up next Thursday.

Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn
troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw.

Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the
psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?"

I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has
left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely."

And the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex
isn't a man's best friend so get yourself a dog."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Toon Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Anniversary
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Annoy Someone
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Another Planet
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Another Quarter
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Anivirus
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Limerick Chips
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The chamber maid blushed a bright red
It must have been something I said
I quipped, "You look hot
And I like you a lot
So please do not turn down my bed"
(Gary Hallock)

"I have never been screwed," the maid said,
"But I do enjoy giving men head."
First she went down on me,
Then I screwed her with glee.
I got two things in one: maidenhead.

I was horny, said, "Let's go to town!"
Then said, "Lie on your back." She did frown.
She replied, "Me on top,
And I'll screw 'til we drop.
It's a thing I won't take lying down."

The maid was quite hot; I adored 'er.
Her bod I explored while I scored 'er.
I remember the night
That was filled with delight.
For me, it was just maid to order.

I enjoyed many times getting laid,
And I'm glad that the housekeeper stayed.
'Bout that night I reflect,
And as you might suspect,
I admit that I did have it maid.

All night long 'gainst my body she pressed
Without stopping. I got little rest.
When I left the next day,
"Come again!" she did say.
The maid service I got was the best.
(Kirk Miller)

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Parting Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A little girl was playing up a tree near a church.
The priest was taking a walk when he happened
to look up the tree and saw the little girl.

She had no panties on, so he called her down and
gave her two dollars to buy a pair of panties.
The girl was so happy that she ran home and told
her mother about it.

The next day, when the priest was taking his daily
walk, he looked up the same tree and saw the young
girl's mother up there. She had no panties on, either.

He called her down and gave her two dollars to buy
a razor!

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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bonus Chip
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A pregnant woman went to the gynecologist, and when asked what was
the problem, she responded, "Well, whenever I take off my clothes,
my nipples get hard." Shocked, the doctor took a deep breath, then
asked, "Your nipples get hard?" "Yes," quite innocently came her
reply. "Undress so I can check," replied the still amazed doc. So,
she undressed, and he got down to the feeling and massaging, trying
to reach an answer. After some considerable time, the doctor, still
looked puzzled, said, "Well madame, I don't know what you have, but
it's sure as hell contagious!"


Harveythefrogprince

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Cute, playful kitty toy
Packet of catnip
Bonus De-shedder

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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Katie's Komfort Kolumn
Vol 1764

Cozumel

Rudy: Hey Toots the boat stopped.

BJ: Ship.

Rudy: Whatever, we are not moving, where are we?

Sandi looking at the brochure: Cozumel, Mexico.

Katie: Do they eat dogs here?

Diana: Even if they did Katie, you are way too thin, but no.

Sandi adjusting her reading glasses: It says here we are to visit
the Mayan ruins.

BJ: Yes, and we will split up into two groups. Diana, Sandi and I
are going in one group. Tami, Rudy, Katie are in group two. Rob
is assigned to a third group.

Katie: Oh boy...

Later on the beach...

Tami: Let's go Rudy, Katie. I will drive the Jeep.

Katie: I can drive.

Tami: No, with what you did in the bus,,, no.

Later at the ruins.

Rudy: These must be as old as you Miss Tami.

Tami: These are thousands of years old guys. We must not disturb
these sites.

Rudy looks around: I gotta pee.

Tami: There are some trees over there. Go.

Katie: Me to.

Tami: I will be right here. Hurry up.

A few minutes later....

Tami: Where are those two?

A faint voice.... Look at us Tami...

Tami: Get off the pyramids you might start something falling.

Crumble...rumble...

rocks start to fall....

Rudy and Katie run to where Tami is...

Rudy: Opps!

Tami: It is just a pile of rocks now. I hope you guys are happy.

Katie: Yeah, it was fun.

To be continued


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Adult Adult Adult

Remember 9/11/01

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Sault Ste Marie Michigan 49783

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