Adult Adult
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
I was sitting here this morning thinking about Thanksgiving
and the many people in my life, family and friends that I
am thankful for, and decided instead to thank my doctor
and staff of the local hospital that have kept me alive
in spite of my own poor efforts. It was five years ago
this week on a Monday that I sent out the chips and
dragged myself to work. I felt terrible and called the
doctor's office and made an appointment for that afternoon.
A few hours later I was in the hospital diagnosed with an
ulcer. Never have been really sure what caused it but
it may have been the blood thinners, bacteria, or the
steroids I had been taking for a spider bite, but by
the time I got to the doctor my blood pressure was
dangerously low and they stick me in bed and jammed 2
pints of blood and fluids in me to get my pressure
back up. I laid in bed for two days till they could
scope my stomach on Thanksgiving morning and release me
with a strict diet and a pile of instructions. My
daughter came over to the hospital so I could be
released and we took off
As I drove off from the hospital with the daughter
in the car, I made a turn into the street deep in thought without
looking and the daughter started yelling
Police Car Police Car. I asked where and she said,
"Behind you, You just cut him off." I saw flashing
lights on a Ford Explorer behind me and finished the
turn. I pulled over and started digging for the
required paperwork before the officer got to the car.
As I handed the papers to the officer he smiled and
said," Do you know how much a police car costs?" I
laughed and apologized explaining how I had just got
out of the hospital and hadn't been paying attention
as I made the turn. He ran my paperwork over the
computer and came back and said he was only going to
give me a warning and to drive more carefully. We
exchanged Happy Thanksgiving greetings and I thanked
him and we left.
Later the daughter said, " You laughed at that cop".
I told her ," No, I laughed with him." "The difference
is laughing with him you don't get a ticket, Laughing
at him you do." Have a great day and enjoy the chips
..buffalo
P.S. The answer to his question was 26,800 dollars minus
light bar. They bought a new one shortly after and I
was watching the process on the city commission meeting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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History Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A History of Thanksgiving
1492 - Christopher Columbus discovers America, unless you
count the native peoples already living there. Columbus doesn't.
Columbus and crew celebrate by holding a dinner, giving thanks for
their
safe arrival. Embarrassment ensues when every Indian brings maize, and
nobody brings pumpkin pie.
1620 - Pilgrim men invent sport of football to avoid
helping clean up after Thanksgiving dinner.
1671 - First embarrassing drunken relatives at Thanksgiving dinner, as
Captain John Smith's parents tell Pocahontas the "hilarious" old "I
got
lost in the maize" joke for the hundredth time.
1701 - At a historic Thanksgiving dinner, Dutch settlers
unveil historic "Indians Give Us All Of Their Land Treaty."
Due to an unfortunate oversight, the Indians are left off
of the invite list, and the treaty is signed without them.
1776 - Excited that his British in-laws finally agreed to
meet him for Thanksgiving dinner, silversmith Paul Revere
rides through Boston announcing the news. Unfortunately,
many colonists misinterpret his cry "the British are
coming!" as a warning, leading to the Revolutionary War.
1812 - At an international Thanksgiving dinner, King George
of England, still hurting from losing the Revolutionary War,
challenges
United States President James Madison to "best 2 out of 3."
1860 - At a Senate Thanksgiving dinner, the seven-year-old
son of Alabama's Senator Richard Applebee insults the
Senators from Massachusetts, New York, and Pennsylvania, sparking the
Civil War. The tradition of the "children's table" is instituted in
1861.
1903 - Canada steals idea of Thanksgiving holiday, placing
it in October, so they can say it was their idea first.
1928 - To commemorate "our nation's greatest era of
prosperity that will last forever and ever," President
Herbert Hoover dumps ceremonial ten thousand turkeys into
the Potomac River.
1929 - Following the Great Stock Market Crash, thousands of
men go Turkey Diving in the Potomac River.
1957 - Declaring her spicy stuffing "a communist threat to undermine
my
health via heartburn," Senator Joe McCarthy has his wife placed under
arrest as a Soviet saboteur.
1969 - The world's largest Eat-In event goes sour. Thousands
of hippies start having bad trips when bad "brown gravy"
gets passed around.
1991 - When Dan Quayle takes ill on Thanksgiving; a turkey
is sworn as Vice President for three days. No change is noticed.
1997 - Strong natural tranquilizer tryptophane is discovered
in turkey. A Colombian cartel immediately starts selling
"pure" turkey on the streets for $500 an ounce. Turkey
farmers get involved in drive-by shootings, and the U.S. government
declares a national fowl emergency.
2002 - America is on a terrorist alert. It is now against the law to
stuff a turkey since anyone is suspicious of hiding explosives. George
W. signs this law into Congress, during a patriotic speech he defends
this decision claiming "the evil doers are just looking for any
opportunity to show up at your dinner table." This Thanksgiving take a
real good look at your relatives...
to
the CIA, FBI or your local police...who cares if it's grandma...it'
your duty as an American...
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Thanksgiving Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Things to Do to Liven Up Thanksgiving Dinner
1. Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen,
toss it all in the blender, and take your "shake" back to the
table. Announce that it's the new Thanksgiving Weight Loss
Shake.
2. When everyone goes around to say what they are Thankful
for, say, "I'm thankful I didn't get caught" and refuse to
say anything more.
3. Bring along old recorded football games, pop them in the
VCR when Dad's not looking. Make sure it is set to the last
two minutes of the game. When he comes into the room, turn
off the VCR and turn on the regular TV.
4. Bring a date that only talks about the tragic and abusive
conditions known to exist at turkey farms.
5. During mid-meal turn to mom and say, "See mom, I told you
they wouldn't notice that the Turkey was past expiration
date. You were worried for nothing."
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Buffalo Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
My family always goes to BUFFALO, Ok for our Thanksgiving dinner,
mainly cause thats where grandma lives. There's about 50 or so of us
crowded around, some cooking, some watching football,some playing
card, the usual stuff. My cousin Billy Bob(his real name) married
this witch that we all hated. She was just naturally rude, crude and
probably tatooed. She was always bitchin about something. Grandma
always made the dressing. As she got older, it sometimes didn't look
and taste as good as it used to, but we loved her, and we ate it.
Well, my cousin and his wife came late one Thanksgiving and of course
most of the dressing was gone, and as usual she started bitchin.
About the dressing, how it looked, why wasn't there more of
it........ After dinner, my cousins and I, I'm the oldest and I'm 47
went out to smoke, and of course we all congregate around the newest
truck. My uncle Jack was holding court telling us youngsters the
newest sale barn jokes when SHE came out. Still bitchin about the
dressing. I said you probably wonder why that dressing looked
different this year and why it was almost all gone when you got here,
huh? Thats because its coyote dressing. No way she said. Yip, and
theres the coyote we made it out of. Her eyes bugged out, cause we
had planned our little smoking session at the truck with the dead
coyote in the back. Out in Buffalo, you don't mess with our grandma.
Tweetlegayle
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Fart Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was an old married couple that had happily lived
together for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage
was caused by the husband's habit of breaking wind nearly every
morning as he awoke.
The noise would always wake up his wife, and the smell
would cause her eyes to water as she would choke and
gasp for air. Nearly every morning she would plead with
him to stop ripping one in the morning. He told her that he couldn't
help it. She begged him to see a doctor to see if anything could be
done but the husband wouldn't hear of it. He told her that it was
just a natural bodily function, and then he would laugh in her face
as she tried to wave the fumes away with her hands. She told him that
there was nothing natural about it, and if he didn't stop, he was one
day going to "shoot his guts out."
The years went by, and the wife continued to suffer, and the husband
continued to ignore her warnings about "shooting his guts out" until
one Thanksgiving morning. Before dawn, the wife went downstairs to
prepare the family feast.
She fixed pumpkin pie, mashed potatoes, made gravy and,
of course, a turkey. While she was taking out the turkey's innards, a
thought occurred to the wife as to how she might solve her husband's
problem. With a devilish grin on her face, she placed the turkey guts
into a bowl and quietly walked upstairs hours before her flatulent
husband would awake. While he was still soundly asleep, she pulled
back the covers and then gently pulled back her husband's jockey
shorts.
She then placed all of the turkey guts into her husband's underwear,
pulled them up, replaced the covers and tiptoed back downstairs to
finish preparing the family meal.
Several hours later she heard her husband awake with his
normal loud butt trumpeting. This was soon followed by a
blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps
as her husband ran to the upstairs bathroom.
The wife could not control herself, and her eyes began to tear up as
she rolled on the floor laughing. After years of putting up with him
she had finally gotten even.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs
in his blood-stained underpants with a look of horror in his eyes.
She bit her lip to keep from laughing, and she asked him what was the
matter. He said, "Honey, you were right - all those years you warned
me, and I didn't listen to you."
"What do you mean?" innocently asked his wife.
"Well you always told me that I would end up shooting my
guts out one of these days and today it finally happened.
But by the grace of good Lord and these two fingers, I think
I got 'em all back in."
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Napkin Chips
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My mother taught me to read when I was 3 years old (her first
mistake). One day, I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the
cabinet doors was ajar. I read the box in the cabinet. I then asked
my mother why she was keeping napkins in the bathroom. Didn't they
belong in the kitchen? Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary
facts she told me that those were for special occasions. Now fast
forward a few months. It's Thanksgiving Day, and my folks are leaving
to pick up the pastor and his wife for dinner. Mom had assignments
for all of us while they were gone. Mine was to set the table. When
they returned, the pastor came in first and immediately burst into
laughter. Next came his wife who gasped, then began giggling. Next
came my father, who roared with laughter. Then came mom, who almost
died of embarrassment when she saw each place setting on the table
with a "special occasion" napkin at each plate, with the fork
carefully arranged on top. I had even tucked in the little tails in
so they didn't hang off the edge. My mother asked my why I used these
and, of course, my response sent the other adults into further fits
of laughter. "But Mom, you SAID they were for special occasions!"
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Sensuous Chips
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I saw you across a crowded room. Among all the others that
were there, The lights seemed to shine down on you alone. I knew then
I had to have you for my own. Willingly, you came with me to my home.
From the car, I carried you & threw the door. Looking at you, I
admire your body, your well shaped legs, and breasts. Slowly I remove
what wraps, around your body so tightly, fitting you like a glove.
Exposing your tender white skin.
>From your neck I remove your charms, and carry you off in my
arms, to the warm water that awaits.
The water cascades down your neck, flowing over your soft breasts
then, making your legs glisten with wetness. Droplets of water cover
your taut skin. My hands rub your body, ummmm running them threw the
beads of water. Making them trickle down off your body. I place my
fingers inside you. You are warm and moist, so ready. I carry your
still dripping body, to a laying place, so that I can put inside you
what was well prepared to enter you before we even came through the
door. As soon as I lay you down your legs spread open wide. You are
ready now and so am I. I put a little in slowly at first, getting a
feel for how much you can take in. I put in more, you take it
willingly. In anticipation, faster and faster I put it in, pushing it
in deeply as far as I can, until I can't put any more in, you are so
tight. With your legs wrapped tightly, not wanting to release any of
it, I make you so hot for a very long time, until your sweet juices
escape from within. Then I taste you, with my tongue at first, your
skin is so soft and tender. I taste more of you with my mouth, you
are so hot and moist, you taste so good. Your juices coating my
mouth, making me drool in anticipation of eating you more, with every
taste. "Oh yes", I say to you, I must say Grace "Thank God for
Butterball turkey.... Amen"
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Subscribers and Friends
Francine w/Happy Turkey Day
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Dede w/Thanksgiving Grace"
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Thanksgiving
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Riddle Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
What does a turkey say:
Gobble, Gobble, Gobble.
What does a turkey with a sore throat say?
Gargle, Gargle, Gargle.
What does a turkey with club feet say?
Hobble, Hobble, Hobble.
What does a dyslexic turkey say?
Boggle, Boggle, Boggle.
What does a turkey with a lame leg say?
Waddle, Waddle, Waddle
What does a turkey with a bladder problem say?
Puddle, Puddle, Puddle
What does a turkey with an invisible handicap say?
Subtle, Subtle, Subtle
What does a turkey with a balance problem say?
Stumble, Stumble, Stumble
What does a turkey with a speech impairment say?
Mumble, Mumble, Mumble
What does a turkey with a rickety wheelchair say?
Rattle, Rattle, Rattle
What does a turkey with a broken brace say?
Topple, Topple, Topple
What does a turkey with a guide dog say?
Ogle, Ogle, Ogle
What does a turkey with an eating disorder say?
Trouble, Trouble, Trouble
What does a turkey with a learning disorder say?
Boggle, Boggle, Boggle
What does a turkey reading this list say?
Doggerel, Doggerel, Doggerel,
Stan Kegel
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Limerick Chips
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PROUD father of an American Soldier
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Parting Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A grade school teacher in upstate New York asked her class how many
of them are 'Hillary fans'.
Not really knowing what a Hillary fan is, but wanting to be liked by
the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except one boy.
The teacher asked Johnny why he has decided to be different. Johnny
says, "I'm not a Hillary fan."
The teacher says, "Why aren't you a Hillary fan?" Johnny says, "I'm a
George Bush fan."
The teacher asks why he's a George Bush fan. The boy says, "Well, my
mom's a George Bush fan and my dad's a George Bush fan, so I'm a
George Bush fan!"
The teacher asks, "If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot,
what would that make you?"
Johnny replies, "That would make me a Hillary fan."
Dick
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Bonus Chip
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Fifty-one years ago,Herman James, A North Carolina mountain man, was
drafted by the army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That
afternoon the Army barber
sheared off all of his hair. On his second day, the Army issued
Herman a toothbrush. That
afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third
day, the Army issued him
a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
Calif Jack
Happy Thanksgiving
If the Indians gave the pilgrims a donkey instead of a turkey;
we would all be getting a piece of ass for Thanksgiving!
Have a Happy Thanksgiving everyone....
little humor
Julie
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn
Vol 751
Reunion
As the family gathered and gave thanks. Many brought pictures to
share of their family units. This is Thanksgiving, a time to be
thankful,
for family, for the ones who came before.
Rudy showed off the pictures of him as a younger family member.
Sandi of her as a puppy. Katie as a new family member.
Then came the Thanksgiving dinner. Out of respect to Horace, the
Cassady clan passed on the Turkey and ate Ham. Later with bellys
full,
the guys retired to the common room to watch football and sleep.
Rudy was the first one who went from 'Go Team!' to ZZZZZZZ!
BJ headed for his bed...soon Sandi joined him there.
Even hyperactive Katie curled up at the foot of the bed and slept.
The family was together, sleeping, watching football, doing dishes
and the kids were outside playing with the frisbees, and playing
games.
Sigh! A well deserved coming together....
I hope your family has peace this Thanksgiving
BJ in Guthrie
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Adult Adult Adult
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