Adult Adult
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
Fourth call from the daughter this morning.
D What is the largest bird? I am thinking
a cormorant.
B How about a condor?
D C-O-N-D-O-R-
The 1st IM of the morning:
D Did you hear about the asteroid that is going to hit
Mars?
B Yes, but like only a 1 in 50 chance.
D 1 in 175 but it would be really neat to watch.
B Yes and they could analyze the dust for signs of
water, dead Martians, or cable tv lines.
D Well why don't we just fire a nuclear bomb at them?
B Do you want to start a war with the Martians again?
Children can be amusing even when they are 26
buffalo
Last minute Christmas help for our soldiers and sailors.
Let's bring em home has collected 70,000 dollars and
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leaves them still about 3,500 short of goal. If you
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and send your tax deductible contribution to paypal@lbeh.
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Christmas Chips
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Everyone knows that there is a Bethlehem in Pennsylvania but few,
outside the commonwealth, know that there is also a Nazareth. The
town and the city are connected by PA route 191, Nazareth Pike. One
dark drizzily night in December a man was driving PA route 191 from
Nazareth to Bethlehem. Just outside Hecktown, as he was moving slowly
along this country road he noticed a shape in the drizzle. As he got
closer he saw that it was a man pulling a donkey and there was a
woman, very pregnant, sitting on the donkey. Having almost run over
the donkey, the driver, very incensed, stopped and got out to talk to
the man pulling the donkey. "You know I almost ran over your
donkey!" "I am sorry but I have to get to Bethlehem to pay my
taxes." "Right! I guess your name is Joseph, too." "How did you
guess?" Driver, "I'll bet you're going to tell me that that is your
wife, named Mary, riding on the donkey, and that she is going to have
her baby in Bethlehem." Joseph, "Right, again." Driver, "And when the
baby comes, you are going to name him Jesus, right." Joseph, "What do
I look like, a Puerto Rican?!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Toon Chips For Those Who Can't Wait
Mother load...
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Observant Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Debi and Marc were out for a drive in the country last Sunday to view
the autumn colors of the changing trees and trying to savor the last
of the fine weather before the winter doldrums set in.
Coming around a curve on a small country road, Marc had to swerve
slightly to get around a very shapely blonde, jogging along the side
of the roadway.
Debi said, "Did you see her?"
"Well, yeah." said Marc.
"That really gets me. I'll never understand some women. She was
wearing a necklace, two bracelets, hoop earrings, her nails were
freshly polished with Salerno Mavala nail polish, she'd recently
spritzed Chanel behind her ears, and she was wearing Yves Saint
Laurent lip gloss, and all to jog!" Debi said.
"You noticed all that?" asked Marc, a bit astonished.
"Yes I did. You telling me you didn't?" remarked Debi.
Marc commented, "Well not exactly. All I noticed was that she had
legs all the way up to her very well rounded cute little butt, a
spectacular set of breasts and no wedding ring."
Then Marc had to really swerve once more to avoid being slapped up
the side of his head by an irate Debi!
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Snow Chips
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A lady goes on vacation alone to the Caribbean wishing her husband
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"I can't tell you!" the native says.
Every night they meet and every night she asks him again what his
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"I can't because you will make fun of my name!" the Islander says.
"There is no reason for me to laugh at you," the lady says.
"Fine, my name is Snow" the man replies. And the lady bursts into
laughter, and the native gets mad and says, "I knew you would make
fun of it."
The lady replied, "Its my husband that won't believe me when I tell
him that I had 10 inches of Snow every day in the Caribbean."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Plagues Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ten Plagues
From: Cherubim, Seraphim & Co.
To: The Lord of Hosts
Dear Supreme Being:
Thanks again for accepting our bid for the ten plagues contract. As
agreed, the following pestilences will be delivered to you for
inflicting on the land of Egypt by Passover next:
1. Blood
2. Frogs
3. Gnats
4. Flies
5. Livestock
6. Boils
7. Hail
8. Locusts
9. Darkness
10. Death of the firstborn
To maximize efficiency of resource utilization, we will be engaging a
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Yours sincerely,
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Sailor'sChips
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A Sailor's Christmas
`Twas the night before Christmas, a calm night at sea
We nestled in our racks for Holiday Routine
When from the ventilation there came such a clatter
We jumped from our bunks to see what's the matter
When out from the vent fell this big dust covered dude
He was dressed up in red with a bad attitude
Yelling, "Those ducts are all filthy!" as he brushed off his clothes
"Don't goddamn stand there, where's the DCPO?"
He arose from the deck, then he peered all around
Then from his mouth came a bellowing sound
"This berthing's a disgrace!" then he called us by name
"Now Boatswain, Now Corpsman, please f*ckin' explain!"
This was not the Santa I remembered from youth
He smelled of cheap whiskey, he was rough and uncouth
"Now, look here you bastards" he said as he strolled
"You'd best trice this place up, or you'll get nothing but coal!"
"You'll make this space pretty, military, and neat!"
Then he looked down at the boots that lay at his feet
"Well, what do we have here?" He said with a frown
"Who the hell polished these? Recruit 'Buster brown'?!"
He walked around slowly, he missed not a mark
Even spotting dust bunnies, right there in the dark!
"You've got high dust and low dust, that overhead needs cleaning!"
We all stood dumbfounded as his words kept on streaming
"Which man here is senior!?" Then asked St Nick
"You'd better shit me an answer and SHIT ME ONE QUICK!"
The First Class stepped forward, his heart pounding hard
"Now look right here shitbirds, this asshole's in charge!"
"These racks will be tight! This damn deck it will shine!
I don't want to hear bitching! I need not hear you whine!"
So we gathered our foxtails, our buckets, and swabs
We all worked in silence to finish the job.
It took over an hour to finish our space
He just sat drinking coffee and stuffing his face
Then on re-inspection he explained with a huff
"Now this is more like it! NOW your not so f*cked up!"
We all stood there smiling, awaiting our gifts
But Santa just snapped out "What's the matter dumb-shits!?
"Get back to your racks! This will be my last warning!
Just like on shore, the gifts come in the morning!"
It seemed like forever `til reveille sounded
We threw back our curtains as all our hearts pounded
But what were our gifts? For what did we suffer?
But a pallet of rags and a shiny new buffer.
Attached to the buffer, we found a short note
We all gathered 'round to see what he'd wrote
"Next year at Christmas, best have all your shit wired!"
Signed:
Fair Winds,
"Chief" Clause
Dave
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Peters Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Have you ever wondered where the Phrase "You Gotta Be Shittin' Me"
came from?
Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of Our
Country way back when, George Washington was crossing the Delaware
River with his troops.
There were 33 [remember this number] in Washington's boat. It was
extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them
about. Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters [remember this
name]and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He
ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were
heading. Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold,continued
swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth.
Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and
his lantern into the Delaware Washington and his troops searched for
nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peter s, but to no avail.
All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their
favorites. Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the
other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and
told them that they must go on.
Another hour later, one of his men said, "General,I see lights
ahead." They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house.
What they didn't know, was that this was a house of ill repute hidden
in the forest to serve all who came. General Washington pounded on
the door, his men crowding around him. The door swung open, and much
to his surprise stood a beautiful woman.
A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing
there. Washington was the first to speak,"Madam, I am General George
Washington and these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and
desperately need warmth and comfort."
Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a
broad smile on her face, said, "Well, General, you have come to the
right place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many
men do you have?" Washington replied, "Well, madam, there are 32 of
us without Peters." And the Madam said, "You gotta be shittin' me"
Randy
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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LynnLynn's Links
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Subscribers and Friends
hyacinth---- In The Bleak Midwinter
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Christmas Invitation Via Carol
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Junebug w/ Rudolph
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Cyberspace Christmas Vis Juanita
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Sadie's Christmas Angel
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Tech Talk ( Computers and Web-tv)
Happy Holiday from Sally
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Chrismas Time Grads
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White Christmas
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Street Interview
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The Next Morning
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Fire Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Top Ten Probable Causes of the Fire in Dick Cheney's Office:
10. Fire started right after Cheney muttered: "If I'm wrong about
Iraq, may God smite me with a thunderbolt"
9. Short circuit in electrical generator used to shock the genitals
of political prisoners
8. Guess where the White House visitor logs were stored....?
7. I warned them to get a heavier duty paper shredder!
6. Reichstag Redux
5. Cheney accidentally gave his own address to Al Qaeda instead of
Hillary's
4. Started as an ash tray fire, but bystanders immediately formed a
bucket brigade to siphon nearby cars and trucks
3. Blood lust no longer satisfied by shooting birds and hunters,
Cheney started setting puppies on fire
2. You can't subpoena ashes
1. It's the gates of hell opening up to receive their new #2
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Toon Chips
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Who Let The Dogs Out?
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Short Chips
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Man to gay bartender: "I don't know why, but I've always
found it difficult to make male friends. Know what I mean,
cocksucker?"
President Bush was at a biodiesel plant in Richmond,
Virginia this week where he spoke out in favor of
alternative fuels. Bush said he's all for alternative
fuels as long as they don't try to get married. - Jay Leno
I don't really see what the fun in watching drag racing is. Sure,
it's funny to watch grown men run down the street in high heels and a
dress ..... ..... but other than that, it's boring
I disagree with my psychiatrist'
because I have a serotonin imbalance. I'm pretty sure the real reason
is: My life sucks
The FBI and the DEA are joining efforts and will be assigning some of
their agents to a quasi-FBI/DEA enforcement team specifically
targeting the illegal allergy pills sales that occur on the black
market.
The agents will be called "Pseudo Feds."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Parting Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Norm was shopping the other day and wound up face to face with this
drop dead gorgeous woman.
He couldn't help but just stare at her, so much so that his mouth
dropped open and he was drooling.
The woman caught him staring and suspected he wasn't just admiring
her outfit.
She said, "Are you often troubled by indecent thoughts?"
Norm replied, "No, ma'am. Actually, to be honest, I rather enjoy
them."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Bonus Chip
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A couple had been married 15 years. One afternoon they were working
in the garden
together. As the wife was bending over pulling weeds, the husband
said. "Honey, your butt
is getting big. I bet it is as big as the gas grill now." The
husband, feeling he needed to prove
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wife's butt. "Yep, he said.
"Just what I thought, just about the same size!" The wife got very
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That evening when they went to bed, the husband cuddled up to his
wife, and said. How about it
honey? how about a little lovemaking?" The wife rolled over and
turned her back to him, giving
him the cold shoulder. "What's the matter?" he asked.To which she
replied, "Surely you don't
think I am going to fire this big-ass grill for one little weenie do
you. do you?"
Calif Jack
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn
Vol 1178
Missing Sandi Pt 2
The family and Tami's family have to quit about 8 due to darkness
and everyone goes home.
Katie: We can put up posters with Sandi's picture on it with a
reward.
I will contribute 1,000 dollars.
BJ: That is amazing Katie.
Katie: She is my sister.
Rudy: She is my wife and I will contribute another 1,000 dollars.
Diana: I will go to Kinkos and make the posters.
Meanwhile a sleepy Sandi is coming up the stairs from the basement.
Sandi: What's for supper?
BJ grabs her around the neck and hugs her...: I missed you, where have
you been..are you all right?
Sandi: Sure I am okay. I just can't tell you where I have been or
what
I have been doing.
Rudy: You can tell me though right?
Sandi: No, I can't.
Katie: Aw, come on sis.
Sandi: No, sorry.
Diana: You had us worried sick.
Sandi: Sorry, but this was important.
BJ: More important than your family?
Sandi: In this case....yes.
BJ: Well, it is done and let's get back to normal.
Sandi: I may have to leave again.
Rudy: Wife!!!
To be continued
The herd in Guthrie
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Adult Adult Adult
Remember 9/11/01
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In accordance with the 2004 Can-Spam act you can contact me at:
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Sault Ste Marie Michigan 49783
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