Adult Adult
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
About ten years ago I had a problem with an ingrown
toe nail on my big toe that gave me pain for months.
At first the treatment was antibiotics and bandaging
to fight the symptoms and then my doctor made an
appointment to have the toenail removed. I had to
stop taking blood thinners for several weeks before
going to see the surgeon next door for a quick in-office
procedure that I was assured was totally painless
and I would never have to worry about an ingrown
toenail on that toe again. Lying on my back they
gave me a series of shots in the nerves of my big toe,
a toe block as they described it and then went to
the next patient as they waited for the anesthetics
to work. Fifteen minutes later the toe was still not
numb so they tried in different spots to hit the nerves.
Another fifteen minutes passed and my toe felt numb
so they began.
It was a simple procedure, really, cut the nail down
the middle, grab the halves with a pair of pliers
and rip the nail off. No high tech there, mostly
stuff available at Sears. The one problem was that
as they tore the nail off I discovered it wasn't
numb where it attached to the skin which I am told
was unusual. Unusually painful in my mind as I
gritted my teeth and put up with the pain. If you
have ever ripped part of a nail loose, think about
the pain as you pulled it loose. Yeah it was like
that only about a whole nail's worth. After that
they cauterized the blood vessels, which smells
great, bandaged me up, and sent me home for a couple
of days.
You are probably wondering why I am recalling this
today after all those years. The other day I had a
dull ache in my big toe which has reduced feeling
because of the nerve damage in my back. I trimmed and
then pulled and saw where the nail was ingrown
over an eighth of an inch. Now it is infected and I
have this feeling of deja toe. So I guess the
doctor was wrong, lucky me heh heh.
Enjoy the chips.... buffalo
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Longhorn Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
It's been almost one (1) week without an arrest of a Longhorn
football player (no longer true)! Good Job Mack (Brown) - way to
keep those boys in line!!! (Note: for those of you that don't know,
Austin's Pride has produced, within the last
month, four (4) boys- w/
mugshots and prints. Two for armed robbery (w/ firearms), one for
auto burglary & DUI and another for DUI)
Despite, their days of 'good behavior' - I thought you might find
these jokes timely!
1. What do you call a drug ring in Austin?
A huddle.
2. Four UT Longhorns in a car, who's driving?
The police.
3. The UT Longhorns have adopted a new 'Honor System'.
Yes, your Honor, No, your Honor.
4. The UT Longhorns knew they had to do something for their defense,
so they hired a new defensive coordinator:
F. Lee Bailey.
5. How do the UT Longhorns spend their first week at fall practice?
Studying their Miranda Rights.
6. What do you say to a Longhorn in a suit?
Will the defendant please rise?
7. If you see Longhorn football player on a bike, why shouldn't you
swerve to hit him?
It might be your bike!
8. The Longhorns employ scouts -- but to look out for cops, not to
check out high school athletes.
9. I heard a rumor that the Department of Corrections plans build a
new prison in Austin, Texas, in order to allow Longhorns to walk to
school.
10. What do you call it, when a Longhorn goes on vacation?
Time off for good behavior.
11. Why couldn't the Longhorn get into a huddle on the football field?
It's a parole violation to associate with known felons.
12. Obviously, Coach Mack Brown is not paying his players, if they
have to resort to robbing people.
Stan Kegel
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Toon Chips For Those Who Can't Wait
Blanket
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Another Priceless
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Little Johnny Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A teacher on playground duty noticed a scruffy
little boy sitting in the dirt and intently working on something.
As she approached, she saw that he was using a
twig to stir something in an old soup can.
"What have you got in the can, Johnny?" she asked brightly.
He looked up at her with evil little eyes and said,
"Got me some chicken-shit n' water."
After she had recovered from her shock, she stammered,
"What in the world are you doing?"
"Makin' me a teacher!"
"Oooh!" she howled. "The principal shall hear of this!"
and she stomped off to find him.
When she returned with the principal in tow, the boy
was still hard at work, stirring away, frowning in concentration.
"All right, Johnny! Now, you tell me, what have you
got in that can there?" said the principal.
"I got me some chicken-shit an' water" said Johnny,
grinning crookedly at the man and continuing to stir.
The principal recoiled in horror. "What do you think
you're doing?", he bellowed.
"Ize makin' me a principal", Johnny replied, leering
up at him.
"Well, my young friend, we'll just see about that", the principal
said,
and stormed off to find a cop.
When at last he returned with a policeman, Johnny
was still industriously working on his project.
"All right, me lad, what've ye got in the can?", the
cop asked.
Johnny replied, "Got me some chicken shit n' water!"
The cop frowned and said, "Ah, and I suppose you'll
be tellin' me you're makin' a cop, now won't ye?"
Johnny frowned down into the can, critically examining
its contents.
"Nope. Ain't got enough chicken-shit.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Gorilla Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Five men end up stranded on a tropical island. The only female around
is
a gorilla on the other end of the island. After one whole month the
guys
are all sitting around and Garry stands up and says, "I'm so horny, I
can't take it anymore!" So he grabs a bag and storms off to the other
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the
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Garry yells to his buddies...."
They said, "You're the one on top, we can't get her off of you."
"The bag, the bag dammit... I want to kiss the bitch!"
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Woodpecker Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
An Alaskan woodpecker and a Texas woodpecker
were in Alaska arguing about which state had the
toughest trees to peck.
The Alaskan woodpecker said that they had a tree
that no woodpecker can peck.
The Texas woodpecker challenged him and was able
to peck a hole in the tree with no problem.
The Alaskan woodpecker was in awe. The Texas
woodpecker challenged the Alaskan woodpecker
to peck a tree in Texas that no woodpecker had been
able to peck successfully.
The Alaskan woodpecker expressed much confidence
that he could do it.
After flying to Texas and successfully pecking the tree
in Texas, the two woodpeckers couldn't figure out
why the Texas woodpecker was able to peck the Alaskan
tree and the Alaskan woodpecker was able to peck the
Texan tree when neither one was able to peck the tree in
their own state.
After thinking for some time they both came to the same
conclusion:
Your pecker is always harder when you're away from home...
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Vicar Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
The local vicar is having a bath, and he's a little bored, so he
decides to, 'pleasure' himself. He's quite happily tugging away,
reaches the old moment of bliss, and opens his eyes only to see, at
the window, the window cleaner, jaw agape at what he's just seen.
A couple of minutes later, the doorbell rings - it's the window
cleaner. The vicar is understandably embarrassed, and asks the man
how much he owes him.
"50 quid" comes the reply.
"50 quid??" says the vicar, startled.
"Yep, fifty quid or I tell the whole parish about what I saw, you
perv."
So the vicar hands over the cash, and the cleaner gets on his way.
The following week, the bishop's round for his supper and is having a
wander round the vicar's house, admiring his lovely home.
He says to the vicar, "Lovely clean windows you've got there vicar,
who does them for you?"
"Oh, a guy from the village does them for me, he does a great job,"
replies the vicar.
"Oh, yeah. How much does he charge you, then?"
"Well," replies the vicar, "fifty quid, actually"
"Fifty quid? Blimey!" says the bishop. "He must have seen you
coming."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Church Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Grandma Levy, always a regular synagogue member had finally talked
her cousin, a woman who had lived a riotous, free life, into joining
the Temple.
"Tell me Rabbi," the old lady asked, "Do you feel that my cousin will
have her sins forgiven after all those years?"
"Yes I do. I'm positive of it. You must remember that the greater the
number of sins, the greater the glory."
"Really Rabbi?", the old lady replied thoughtfully. "I sure do wish
I'd known that fifty years ago."
In his Sunday sermon, the minister used "Forgive Your Enemies" as his
subject. After the sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive
their enemies. About half held up their hands.
Not satisfied, he harangued the congregation for another twenty
minutes and repeated his question. This received a response of
eighty percent. Still unsatisfied, he lectured for fifteen more
minutes and repeated his question. All responded except one elderly
lady in the rear.
"Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any."
"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-six.
"Mrs. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how
a lady can live to be ninety-six and not have an enemy in the world."
The old lady teetered down the aisle, slowly turned to face the
congregation, and blurted out, "I outlived the Sons of Bitches!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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LynnLynn's Links
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Movies
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El Nino
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Explain This
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Fe
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Bad Case Of Crabs
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Short Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Because my client is uncertain which of the two men with whom she
lived concurrently is the father of her child, Your Honor," stated
the lawyer, "she seeks to combine them as joint defendants in this
legal action."
"So what she is really filing," commented the judge in a wry
tone, "is a paternity suit with two pair of pants."
Seven dwarfs sat in the tub, feeling Happy. Then Happy got out, so
they all felt Grumpy.
A man comes home drunk in the wee hours of the morning to find his
wife angry and waiting for him at the door. "Out drinking again!?"
she says. "How much money did you spend this time?"
"$100," answers the man.
"$100!" she shouts. "That's ridiculous, spending that much in one
night!"
"Easy for you to say," he replies. "You don't smoke, you don't drink,
and you have your own pussy."
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Toon Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Who Let The Dogs Out?
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Limerick Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A singer named Sarah assayed me
'Bout lim'ricks I wrote. She'd grade me.
Would say "aye" for a "yes,"
"Nay" for "no," so I guess
When she sang aloud "no," Sarah-nay'd-
(Kirk Miller)
____________
There was a young fellow named Sweeney,
Whose girl was a terrible meanie.
The hatch of her snatch,
Had a catch that would latch;
She could only be screwed by Houdini.
____________
A car race announcer named Niven,
To a question this answer was given.
"I would just like to know
What impels them to go
So fast." He replied, "They are driven."
(Kirk Miller)
<Snagged by>
Ross
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Parting Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an
old man walking
with his legs spread apart.
One of the students said to his friend; I'm sure he has Petry
syndrome. Those people walk like that,"
The other student says: "No I don't think so, The old man surely has
Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks,
just as we learned in class."Since they couldn't agree they decided
to ask the old man. They
approached him and one of the students said to him:
"Were medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk,
but couldn't agree on the
syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"
The old man said:. "I'll tell you, but first you must tell what you
think."
One of the students said: I think it's Petry syndrome. The old man
said: "You thought.....
Then the other student said I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome>" The
old man said: "You think.......
you are wrong. So they asked him: "Well, what do you have?"
The old man said"
"I thought it was gas........but I was wrong."
Calif Jack
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Bonus Chip
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cannibal Menu
A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant
operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down
and looked over the menu...
Broiled Missionary: $10.00
Fried Explorer: $15.00
Grilled Republican: $100.00
Baked Democrat: $100.00
The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, 'Why such a price
difference for the Politicians?
The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full
of crap, it takes all morning."
dianeM
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn
Vol 1112
Marathon pt 6
Katie: Okay Tami here are a few inventions to help you along with
the marathon.
Tami: Okay what are they?
Katie: This belt you wear around your waist contains a place for your
water, cell phone, gps locator, holder for nutrition bar.
Tami: Excellent and it is so small.
Katie: Right. Plus an Ipod with wireless earphones.
Tami: Great! No superkatie inventions?
Katie: Well a couple. One I placed in the shoe. Whenever your speed
is too slow, you will receive a mild electrical shock to speed you up.
If you run too fast, you will receive another shock to slow you down.
Tami: What?!?
Katie: Tut tut. We want you to just cruise along.
Tami: And who determines the cruise-along speed?
Katie: We reviewed the past six races you were in and took the
results
and put them in a computer and used that data.
Tami: Seems fair.
Katie: What could go wrong?
The herd in Guthrie
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Adult Adult Adult
Remember 9/11/01
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