Adult Adult
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
Until 1997 when I joined the computer generation
I was an avid, if not voracious reader. I read
every drop of science fiction I could lay my hands
on including the Star Trek novels and spin-offs. I
had every Stephen King book the minute it hit the
shelves and devoured action thrillers. When I ran
out of things to read I read whatever was laying
around including romance novels and reference books.
I had huge bookshelves in my bedroom and more books
than some school libraries. I had a coffee table and
it had real coffee table books on it, the ones that
are so large and heavy you can't read them in bed.
Then came web-tv and computers and my habits changed.
My bookshelves began to be taken over by programs and
manuals. My coffee table went to the basement because
it was a knee knocker when the living room became my
office and the workstation filled the wall. I still
read but it was all on the computer in emails and web
sites. The only place in the house with no electronics
was the bathroom and that became my refuge for reading.
A shelf above the toilet and a little table was my library
and whatever book I was reading was picked apart from
cover to cover till I absorbed the whole book. I had
stacks of trade magazines and things like Popular
Mechanics that were great as you could read an article
or two without invoking the wrath of the family that
seemed to want to use the place the minute you got in
there.
That being said brings me around to the purpose of today's
intro. I want to tell you all about a new book. About
a week ago I received a copy of 'The Ants are My Friends"
written by Richard Lederer and Stan Kegel. Those of you
that read the chips are well acquainted with these two
gentlemen as they are the Kings of groaners and puns. You
know groaners and puns, You start out with, " I can't
believe someone wrote that", Then you think, "I can believe
I read that." and then you can't wait to run out and tell
it to someone else so they can groan and laugh too.
The Ants Are My Friends has a special bonus that most
groaners don't have and that is each one has a punch
line that is a pun from a famous song, so once you have
read it besides groaning and laughing you are launched
into a memory trip, singing the song.
Anyhow I have been reading the book for the past week and
sharing with Sandy. We have both enjoyed it immensely. You
can't get a copy yet but it is available from Amazon. COM
for pre-order http://tinyurl.
BTW The punch line, " The Ants Are My Friends" is from
the Bob Dylan song , Blowing In The Wind. ( The Answer My
Friends)
Anyhow if you are outside my bathroom door and you hear
singing and laughter, you know what I'm up to.
Enjoy the chips.... buffalo
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Bar Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A guy walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says,
Bartender, two beers please. One for me, and one for the road."
An amnesiac walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Do I come here
often?"
A Pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel fastened to his fly.
The bartender points and says, "Hey! You have a steering wheel stuck
on your fly!" And the pirate says: "Arrrgh. And it's driving me
nuts!"
A dyslexic walks into a bra.
A young Texan walks into a bar and orders a drink. "Got any ID?" asks
the bartender. The Texan replies, "About what?"
A guy walks into a bar wearing nothing but a set of jumper cables. He
says, "Bartender, give me a beer." The bartender says, "You can a
beer, but I don't want you starting anything!"
A Latin scholar walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a martinus."
The bartender asks him. "Don't you mean martini?" The man tells the
bartender, "Listen, if I wanted two or more drinks I would have asked
for them."
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "So, why the long face?"
A penguin walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Has my father
been in here?" The bartender says, "I don't know. What does he look
like?"
A brain goes into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'll have a beer,
please."
The bartender says, "Sorry, I can't serve you. You're out of your
head."
A bear walks into a bar and says, "I'd like a beer
and . . . . . . . . . . . . . a packet of peanuts. The barman says,
why the big pause?"
A kangaroo walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender
says, "That'll be $10. You know, we don't get many kangaroos coming
in here. "The kangaroo says, "At $10 a beer, you won't get many more.
"A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bartender here?"
A cheeseburger walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Sorry, we
don't serve food in here."
A three-legged dog walks into a bar. He sidles up to the bar and
announces, "I'm lookin' fer the man that shot my paw."
A baby seal walks into a bar. "What can I get you?" asks the
bartender.
"Anything but a Canadian Club," replies the seal.
A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, "You're quite a
celebrity around here. We've even got a drink named after you." The
grasshopper says, "You've got a drink named Steve?"
A goldfish flops into a bar and looks at the bartender. The bartender
asks, "What can I get you?" The goldfish says, "Water."
A guy walks into a bar and sits down next to a lady and a dog. The
man asks, "Does your dog bite?" The lady answers, "Never!" The man
reaches out to pet the dog, and the dog bites his hand. The man
says, "I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!" The woman
replies, "He doesn't. That's not my dog."
A guy walks into a bar. A horse behind the bar serving drinks. The
guy is just staring at the horse, when the horse says, "What are you
staring at? Haven't you ever seen a horse serving drinks before?" The
guy says, "Honestly, no. I never thought the parrot would sell the
place."
A skeleton walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "What'll you have?"
The skeleton says, "Give me a beer, and a mop."
A guy walks into a bar in Cork, in Ireland, and asks the barman:
"What's the quickest way to get to Dublin?" "Are you walking or
driving?" asks the barman. "Driving," says the man. "That's the
quickest way," says the barman.
A fellow walks into a pub near Buckingham Palace in London, sits
down, and says, "Give me a beer. I've had a rough day at work." And
the bartender says, "Oh? What do you do?" The guy says, "I take care
of the corgis--you know, the dogs the royal family owns." The
bartender asks, "Tough job, huh? The guy says, "Yeah. All that
inbreeding has led to low intelligence and bad temperaments. And the
dogs aren't too smart, either."
A man goes into a bar and says, "Give me a drink before the trouble
starts."
And the bartender pours him a drink. He drinks it and says, "Give me
another drink before the trouble starts." He downs that one and
says "Give me another drink before the trouble starts."
Finally, the bartender gives the man his tab, and the man says, "And
NOW the trouble starts...
"A tourist goes into a bar where a dog is sitting in a chair playing
poker.
> He asks, "Is that dog there really playing poker?" And the
bartender says, "Yeah, but he's not too smart. Whenever he has a good
hand, he starts wagging his tail."
A guy goes into a bar, orders four shots of the most expensive 30-
year-old single malt Scotch whisky and downs them one after the
other. The bartender says, "You seem to be in a great hurry."
The guy says, "You would be too if you had what I have."
The bartender asks, "What have you got?
"Fifty cents," is the reply.
A Northerner walks into a bar in the Deep South around Christmas
time. A small nativity scene is behind the bar, and the guy
says, "That's a nice nativity scene. But how come the three wise men
are all wearing firemen's hats?" And the bartender says, "Well, it
says right there in the Bible--
the three wise men came from afar."
A man walked into a bar, sat down, and ordered a beer. As he sipped
the beer, he heard a voice say, "Nice tie." Looking around, he saw
that the bar was empty except for him and the bartender. A few sips
later, another voice said, "Beautiful shirt." At this, the man calls
the bartender over. "Say, I must be losing my mind," he tells him. "I
keep hearing these voices say nice things, and there is not a soul in
here but us." "It's the peanuts," explains the bartender, indicating
a dish on the bar. "The peanuts?" "That's right, the peanuts--they'
complementary.
A man walks into a bar with a giraffe. He says, "A beer for me and
one for my giraffe." And they stand around drinking for hours until
the giraffe passes out
on the floor. The man pays the tab and gets up to leave. The
bartender says, "Hey! You're not going to leave that lyin' on the
floor, are you?"
The man says, "That's not a lion, it's a giraffe."
A guy walks into a bar with a German shepherd dog. The bartender
says, "Hey buddy, can't you read that sign? It says no dogs allowed!
Get that mutt out of here!" The man replies, "No, I can't read the
sign--I'm blind, and this is my Seeing Eye dog." The bartender is
embarrassed and gives the man a beer on the house. Later that day,
the man tells his friend about it: "I told him I was
blind, and I got a free beer!" The friend then takes his dog into the
bar and sits down. The bartender says, "The sign says no dogs
allowed! You'll have to
leave!" The friend says, "Sorry, I can't see the sign because I'm
blind, and
this is my Seeing Eye dog." The bartender replies, "Since when do
they give out Chihuahuas as Seeing Eye dogs?" The man says, "They
gave me a Chihuahua?"
A blind man walks into a bar, grabs his dog by its hind legs and
swings him around in a circle. The bartender says, "Hey, buddy, what
are you doing?" And the blind man says, "Don't mind me. I'm just
looking around."
A man walks into a bar looking sad, and the bartender asks
him, "What's the matter?" The man says, "My wife and I had a fight,
and she told me she wasn't going to speak to me for a month. The
month is up today.
"This guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. He looks in his pocket
and orders another drink, looks in his pocket and orders still
another drink.
His curiosity aroused, the bartender asks, "What are you doing?
What's in your pocket?" And the guy says, "It's a picture of my wife.
When she starts looking good to me, I know it's time to go home."
Ole and Sven walk into a bar and order a beer. Ole sees a good
looking blonde at the other end of the bar. He points her out and
says "I've got to go talk to her." Sven say "You don't want to talk
to her. She's a lesbian." Ole says "So what." He walks down, taps
her on the shoulder and say, "So, how are things in Beiruit?"
A police officer helps Ole up off the barroom floor and says, "So,
can you describe the person who hit you and knocked you out?" And Ole
says, "Ya sure. In fact, that's what I was yust doing when he hit
me."
Denes in Dubai
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Toon Chips For Those Who Can't Wait
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Random Chips
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I love oral sex; it's the phone bill I hate.
"I never would have married you if I knew how stupid you were!"
shouted the woman to her husband!
The husband replied, "You should've known how stupid I was the minute
I asked you to marry me!"
The doctor at the local health clinic was admonishing the redneck
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Pausing for a moment, the young patient replied, "Okay, but what
about friends 'n neighbors?"
Q. What two 4-letter words do men hate?
A. Don't and stop, unless used together
Jill: John, why are you wearing nothing but your running shoes?
John: Well, you said we'd have a "marathon" session tonight!
The Bishop has posted new rules in Catholic Girls School. Lights out
at 10:00, candles out by 10:10.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
VW Chips
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A few years ago the battery in my beat-up VW Beetle had died because
I left the lights on overnight. I was in a hurry to get to work on
time so I ran into the house to get my wife to give me a hand to
start the car. I told her to get into our second car, a prehistoric
oversized gas-guzzler, and use it to push my car fast enough to start
it. I pointed out to her that because the VW had an automatic
transmission, it needed to be pushed at least 30mph for it to start.
She said "fine!" hopped into her car and drove off.
I sat there fuming wondering what she could be doing.
A minute passed by and when I saw her in the rear-view mirror coming
at me at about 40 mph, I suddenly realized that I should have been a
bit clearer with my directions..
John asks Jill out on a date after meeting her in a bar.
Jill says, "What kind of car do you drive?"
John replies " A VW Bug."
Jill scornfully says, "That's awfully small!"
John replies, "Don't worry, I'm not going to screw you with the car."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Short Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Groucho Marx was having problems sexually with premature ejaculation.
Someone recommended a topical cream guaranteed to prolong erection.
When asked later whether it worked, Groucho replied, "I came rubbing
the stuff on."
David went to the urologist complaining of discharge dripping from
his penis, the doctor took one look and told him he had V.D.
"No way," said the shocked David, blushing terribly. "It must be a
cold."
"Call it what you like, David," said the doctor. "But, until it
sneezes, we'll have to treat it for V.D."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Short Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
An English landowner and his Irish manservant ran into each other in
hell one day. "My lord," the Irishman exclaimed, "What are you doing
here?"
The landowner sighed. "I'm here because I lied, cheated, and stole to
pay the debts run up by that playboy son of mine. But you were a
faithful, loyal servant. Why are you here?"
"For fathering that playboy son of yours," the Irishman replied.
Debi: "Sometimes I call my husband 'Q',"
Jeni: "Why's that?" "Is he some kinda superguy like that man on
Star Trek?"
Debi: "No, he's a big fat zero with a little dick hangin' down."
Q. What's the definition of eternity?
A. The time between when you cum and she leaves.
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Trucker Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Roadway driver is driving east on Route 66 he sees a truck driving
west and the CB crackles to life ." Hey Roadway driver who's the two
biggest faggots in America?" comes from the CB.
The Roadway driver replies . "I don't know".
The other trucker says " You and your brother ".
Well the Roadway driver gets all pissed off but the other driver
tells him "Its just a joke tell it to the next truck you see."
Well the Roadway driver drives for about an hour and finally sees
another truck. He gets on the CB and says " Hey, other truck do you
know who the two biggest fags in the world are?"
The other trucker says " I don't know, who?"
The Roadway driver replies " Me and my brother"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Subscribers and Friends
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Surfin Surfari
Paradise Haunted trail
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Blow Job Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
~*~ A Woman's Take on the Subject ~*~
1. First and foremost, we're not obligated to do it.
2. Extension to #1, so, if you DO get one, be grateful.
3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video, it's NOT standard
practice to cum on someone's face.
4. Extension to #3, no, I DON'T have to swallow.
5. My ears are NOT handles.
6. Extension to #5, don't push on top of my head. Last I heard, deep
throat had been done. Besides, you REALLY want puke on your dick?
7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get. It's NEVER ok to far.
8. Having my period does not mean it's "hummer week". Get it through
your head: I'm bloated and I feel like shit, so NO, I don't feel
particular obligated to blow you. You just can't have sex right now.
9. Extension to #8, "Blue Balls" might have worked on high school
girls.
If you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my
Midol.
10. If I have to stop to remove a public hair from my teeth, don't
tell
me I've "wrecked" it for you.
11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately after
is
HIGHLY inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the
future.
12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate
about
the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment. Review #2 above
about
gratitude.
13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't give a shit
about the protein content.
14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.
15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow
jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It's not appropriate to
sympathize OR brag.
16. Just because it's "awake" when you get up does not mean I have to
"kiss it good morning".
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Toon Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Difficult
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Blow Job Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
~*~ A Man's Rebuttal ~*~
1. First of all, yes, you are obligated to do it. If you don't, we'll
find someone younger and prettier who will.
2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon of
cream is a hell of a lot easier than licking a dead fish.
3. You want to talk about farting? Does the word "queef" mean anything
to you?
4. I will use your ears as I see fit. Be thankful I'm not pulling your
hair.
5. When you're on your period, putting something in your mouth is the
only way to stop your bitching and moaning.
6. Speaking of which, if you're bleeding for five straight days, you
need all of the fluids you can get, trust me.
7. You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you we get the
shit end of stick in the "flavor" category.
8. At least there's no danger of a dick bleeding in your mouth. (Well,
unless you bite it really hard.)
9. Play with the balls.
10. No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better.
11. Caress the ass, too. We LIKE that.
12. Make hay when the sun shines, hon. It's "wide awake" in the
morning
now, but when you get old and fat, and are looking for some action, I
gah-ron-tee it'll be "sound asleep".
13. If you swallow, then you don't have to worry about getting any on
your face, now do you?
The preceding comments are not the views of the buffalo
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Parting Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Though the youthful and lusty Miss Bount
Had struggled her fullest amount
Against Dracula's might,
At the end of her fight
I hear she went down for the Count
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bonus Chip
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A mother gets up during the night to do as nature intended, when she
hears some strange noise from the living room. Going to investigate,
she snaps on the light.
She is utterly surprised to find her daughter stark naked on the
couch, with a young man the mother didn't know atop of her.
"Well -- I NEVER!" exclaimed the mother.
"But mom, you MUST have!" smirked the daughter.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn
Vol 1108
Marathon pt 2
Katie: Okay Miss Tami, it is time to train.
Tami: But I have been training.
Katie: Poor Miss Tami...just look at that flab. I bet you cannot
run 50 miles.
Tami: Of course not. I only need to run 26k.
Katie: Let me tie these weights around your leggies.
Tami: Ack! How much do they weigh?
Katie: There there, only about 40lbs each. They were used on
a chain gang in the 1930's. Put on this striped uniform and hat.
Tami: I look like a prisoner.
Katie: Looks cool doesn't it.
Tami: Okay I am dressed. Now what?
Katie: Outside and let's start walking first.
Tami: These leggings are hard to move.
Katie: Come come, you do not see me complaining.
Tami: You do not have a ball and chain.
A few minutes down the road....
Katie: Oh look a police car with it's lights on.
Officer: Lady stop right there.
Tami: It is okay, I am just training.
Officer: Sure sure, I have heard it all before. When did you escape?
Tami: Just ask Katie, the dog..
Officer: A talking dog? Right. There is no dog here.
Tami looking around....where did Katie go?
Tami: Katie? Where are you Katie?
Officer: Step into the car ma'am.
to be continued.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Adult Adult Adult
Remember 9/11/01
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Sault Ste Marie Michigan 49783
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