Adult Adult
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
When I was writing about being a checkman the other day
I remembered another story that I couldn't remember if
I had told before so here it is. The check wheel itself is
a valve wheel over two feet in diameter. It is connected to
a precision valve that takes about thirty turns to close. For
that reason you never open it completely as with a loss
of air pressure the automatic valve fails wide open and
will quickly fill the boiler with water and then into the steam
system. When you have turbines turning up to 20,000
rpm's, they don't take well to being hit with a slug of water.
I was standing checkman watch and one of my buddies had
come up and was poking me with a paint scraper, which is
like a pry bar with sharp edges on each end. I was trying to
backhand him without taking my eyes off of the gage glass
and smacked the paint scraper putting a good cut in the
back of my hand. I put a bandage on it and when I got off
watch I went up to sick bay and they cleaned the cut up and
bandaged it and said they would get me some antibiotics.
I waited for a half hour for the guy to come back and said to heck
with it and went back to get some sleep.
The next day my hand was a little swollen so I went to sick
bay again and still no antibiotics but they put my hand in a sling
and
pinned it to my shoulder and told me as long as I didn't use my hand
I could stand a watch. There isn't much you can do in engineering
with one hand but we were short handed and if everything ran in
auto,
I wouldn't need to use either hand. You seldom lost air pressure as
we
had two 1250 cfm compressors that could run a small factory and
a small 50 cfm compressor for emergencies so you might have one
watch a cruise when you would have a problem.
I was on watch about an hour when we got a warning that we were
losing air pressure. The control box for the little compressor was
right behind me and I pushed the start button and nothing happened.
I reported that back to the control booth and started to close the
check
wheels for both boiler. One closed easily but the second one
wouldn't
budge with one hand so I pulled the other hand out and started
closing
it. Remember how I said people would use pipe wrenches on the valve
wheels to close them and leave a sharp knurl on the wheel? It looked
like I had ran both hands across a cheese grater. Air pressure is
restored and back to normal by the end of my shift but when I wake
up the next morning my hand is the size of a softball.
I went back to sick bay where they told me they were going to
write me up for using my hand at which time I went ballistic and
told them it was their fault for not treating the wound properly
in the first place and telling them things about their ancestors
that they didn't know to want to hear. I captured the attention of
the Master Chief Corpsman who was a shellback two years
before Pearl Harbor and he agreed with me. I spent three days
on a ward with my hand above my head and got my antibiotics
IM because they had trouble finding a vein. After three days
of that I was stiff sore and couldn't sit down for a couple of days.
So that's the story, enjoy the chips..... buffalo
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Iron Chips
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I was out walking when I ran into an old friend Doug. I was surprised
how he looked. He had lost about forty pounds and was in pretty good
shape.
I has to ask him how he did this: 'Doug how did you get in such great
shape?
Doug: First thing in the morning when I get up, I pump Iron. When I
get home from work, I pump Iron, before I go to bed I pump Iron. If I
wake up in the middle of the night, I pump Iron.
I responded: That is amazing Doug, you have done great.
We walked to the parking lot our cars were parked next to each other.
I noticed in his car was a drop dead blonde with legs that would not
quit. She was stunning and about twenty years Doug's junior.
I asked: Doug who is your lady friend?
Doug: Oh, it is nothing, I have to leave.
The lady got out of the car and spoke: Oh Doug, are you not going to
introduce me to your friend. Hello, my name is Janice Iron.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Flying Chips
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Stephanie, a young blonde was taking her first
airplane flight. About one hour into the flight
the pilot announced over the intercom, "One of
our four engines is out, we will be about fifteen
minutes late arriving."
Stephanie, continued to read her "Glamour"
magazine. About 30 miniutes later the pilot
came on the intercom again and said, "There
is a second engine out, we will be about thirty
miniutes late."
The Blonde passenger, looked up a bit concerned
but returned to reading her magazine. Fifteen
minutes after that the pilot once again came on
the intercom and said, "I'm sorry to say that
there is a third engine out, we'll be about one
hour late arriving at our destination."
Blonde Stephanie turned to the man sitting
next to her and said, "Boy if that fourth
engine goes out, we'll be up here all day."
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Short Chips
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One night my friend John and I were sitting at a bar where he used
to work when an attractive woman, a former co-worker, came in and
sat next to him. She told him she had just had a fight with her
husband, a police officer, and needed to get out of the house for a
while.
They had been talking for a few minutes when, as a joke, I leaned
over to John. "Don't look now," I whispered, "but a guy about
six-five just walked in. And he's got a gun."
Without hesitating, John turned to me. "Quick, Ed," he said, "kiss
me on the lips."
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After the
checkup, the doctor took the wife aside and said, Your husband is
suffering from severe, long-term stress and it's affecting his
cardiovascular system. He's a good candidate for either a heart
attack or a stroke. If you don't do the following four things, your
husband will surely die. First, each morning, fix him a healthy
breakfast and send him off to work in a good mood. Second, at lunch
time, make him a warm, nutritious meal and put him in a good frame
of mind before he goes back to work. Third, for dinner, fix an
especially nice meal, and don't burden him with household chores.
Fourth, and most important for invigorating him and relieving
stress, have sex with him several times a week and satisfy his every
whim in bed. On the way home in the car, the husband turned to his
wife and asked So, I saw the doctor talking to you and he sure
seemed serious. What did he tell you?
You're going to die, she replied
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Short Chips
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The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an
older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a
couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the
confessional for a few suggestions.
The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest, and rub
your chin with one hand." The new priest tries this. The old priest
suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see, yes, go on, and I
understand. How did you feel about that?'" The new priest says
those things. The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a
little better than slapping your knee and saying 'No shit?!? What
happened next?'"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman goes to her boyfriends parents house for dinner. This is to
be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They
all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning
to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the
broccoli casserole.
The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other
choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty
little fart.
It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poot. Before
she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father
looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the women's feet,
and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!!!"
The woman thought, 'This is great!' and a big smile came across her
face. A couple minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain
again.
This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and
longer fart rip.
The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!!!"
Once again the woman smiled and thought, 'yes!' A few minutes later
the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even
think about it.
She let rip with a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing.
Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled,
"Dammit Skippy, get away from her before she shits on you!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Short Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mary: "I've known this really nice man for a while now. I'm thinking
of spending the weekend with him."
Jill: "Mary, you know it's a sin to engage in premarital sex."
Mary: "Yeah, but it's not premarital sex if you have no intention
of getting married
"Gentlemen of the Jury," said the defense attorney, now beginning to
warm to his summation, "the real question here before you is, shall
this beautiful young woman be forced to languish away her loveliest
years in a dark prison cell? Or shall she be set free to return toher
cozy little apartment at 4134 Seaside Street-there to spend her
lonely, loveless hours in her boudoir, lying beside her little
iPhone, 858-962-7873?"
Frank was not too skilled in the ways of meeting women, so his
friends suggested that he go to a local disco where he might be able
to meet some. When he got there, he didn't see any ladies he could
dance with. He started looking around the place further, and he found
a door marked LADIES, and when he opened it, sure enough, there they
were!
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Lazy Chips
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A visitor from Buffalo was strolling along the California surf one
morning. During his walk he came upon a fellow, fishing pole clutched
in his hands, sound asleep sitting on a cooler of beer, against the side
of a huge coastal rock. Just then the pole began to jerk violently.
"Hey, there!" cried the visitor as he roused the fisherman.
"Look out there! You have a bite."
"So I do," yawned the drowsy one glancing out at the water. "If you
don't mind, will you pull in the fish for me?"
The visitor, somewhat surprised, did as he was requested.
"Now, mister," continued the fisherman, "put some fresh bait on the hook
and cast the line out for me."
Again the visitor complied. After doing so he turned to the lazy angler.
"You know," he declared, "anyone as lazy as you ought to get married and
have a son to do these things for him."
"That's a good idea," beamed the fisherman. "Know where I could find a
knocked up woman that needs a father for her baby?"
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Toon Chips
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Limerick Chips
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There once was a man from Havana
Screwed a girl on a player piano
At the height of their fever
Her ass hit the lever
And Yes he has no banana...
_____________________
An acquaintance of my dear friend
Put a rodent into his hind end.
Though you might think it queer
He was one Ricky Gere,
And he loves to feel that f*cker squirm in his arse.
( Sounds queer to me and doesn't rhyme for shit buff )
_____________________
There once was a man from Kansas,
Who's nuts were made out of brass
In all stormy weather,
he'd clank them together
And lightning shot out of his ass
<Snagged by>
Ross
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Parting Chips
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In North Dakota , in a town called Napoleon, there is a large
German-speaking population. One day, a local rancher noticed a man
using his hand to drink water from the rancher's stock pond.
The rancher rolled down the window, and shouted, "Sehr angenehm! Trink
das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen.."
Which means: "Glad to meet you! Don't drink the water. The cows have
shit in it."
The man shouted back, "I'm from New York , and just out here campaigning
for Obama's health care plan. I can't understand you. Please speak in
English."
The rancher replied, "Use both hands. You'll get more."
Randy
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Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn
Vol 2095
The Noise
Diana is sleeping soundly.
It is 4am...
Bang! Bang! Thud! Crash!
Diana wakes in a start.
Diana: What the heck is going on?
Diana dashes out of bed. Can it be a burglar, no Val
is quiet.
The noise is coming from BJ's bedroom, she turns on the
hall light and sees Rudy trying to bust down Dad's bedroom
door.
Diana: What are you doing Rudy?
Rudy: Storm scared me. What to hide in Dad's bathroom.
Diana: Come to bed with mom.
Rudy: Okay.
The herd
Poor Rudy the big lug, he would die for Diana, but during
storms, he will hide and do whatever to protect himself.
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Adult Adult
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Remember 9/11/01
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Compilation and narrative copyright 2002 by william Brabant
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