Adult Adult
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
Another busy day yesterday. I had to call in someone with a
plow to open up the parking in the front and back yards. The
berm was like concrete and there was no way that my snow
blower was going to chew through it so for 25.00 it was well
worth the price to leave it to a professional. This was the first
time I had to call him since the winter we got six feet of snow
in two days.
If you haven't done it yet it would be a really, really, good idea
to run Windows Update and download the latest security patches
for Internet Explorer even if you aren't in the habit of using it.
The latest exploit is leaving your computer ripe for the pickings
by the same Asian bunch that has been bringing you the reams
of spam that you have to deal with every day. At risk are all of
your passwords from games and emails right through to banking
and credit cards. Don't feel safe because you use Firefox, Opera,
or Chrome, they all had patches released yesterday for security
flaws too. Personally I prefer MSIE for surfing. Websites are built
to display properly in it and I don't have to go look for a plug-in
to take care of problems or run new applications.
I updated my work computer yesterday, which turned out to be a
bigger task than I expected. I had been balking at loading SP3
for over 6 months because I don't want to risk the files stored on
here that make the chips what they are. This latest exploit made me
change my mind and through 2 hours of downloads and the computer
asking cryptic questions I sweated like a mother sending her child
off for the first day of school. Finally it finished and I crossed
my
fingers as it rebooted and went through the motions for the first
time.
It behaved flawlessly and I downloaded the rest of the updates and
my blood pressure went back to normal.
I plugged the laptop in last night and got a few basic programs
downloaded besides AVAST and charged the battery up and I am
happy with it as everything else I bought from Tiger Direct. It did
need 30 updates though so I was up a little late last night
installing
those and now everything is patched except for the Vista computer
which really has nothing worth stealing on it anyway.
I really want to thank all of you that sent me Christmas Card this
year.
I had good plans of sending cards out this year but someone
discarded
the stack of envelopes that had all of the addresses on them. I
enjoy
hearing from you and telling me how much you enjoy the jokes has
given me the push I needed some days when I didn't even feel like
getting out of bed. A Merry Christmas to all and your families too.
Enjoy the chips ..... buffalo
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Pill Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A married man walks up to Santa Claus and tells him that all he
wants for Christmas is for his wife to be interested in sex. Santa
then proceeds to give him a bottle of pills. He tells him to give
them a try and then let him know how they work.
So he takes the pills home and puts one pill in her Christmas
dinner. That night, they make love for an hour. The next day, he's
so thrilled! "Oh, my God. I can't believe how well that worked," he
thinks to himself.
That night he puts two pills in her food and that night they make
love for two hours. The next day, he's even more thrilled, so he
dumps all the pills in her food.
Two weeks go by without a word from this man, so Santa decides to
give him a call. A little boy answers the phone. Santa says, "Little
boy, is your dad home?"
"No, he's...who's this?" the little boy asks. "I'm a friend of your
dad's and I gave him some pills to help him out a couple of weeks
ago. Maybe you know how it's going?"
"That was you?!" the little boy says. "Let me tell you something --
Dad's lying on the ground holding his groin, the UPS man won't
deliver Christmas presents to our house, and Mom's stalking the
produce man at the grocery store!'
Randy
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Toon Chips For Those Who Can't Wait
Screen test
http://www.buffalos
Old nips
http://www.buffalos
Crack Farm
http://www.buffalos
WTF
http://www.buffalos
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Spanish Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: WATER
My wife gets mad and I don't even know water problem is!
SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: BRIEF
My homie smelled so bad I couldn't brief .
SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: MUSHROOM
Yo, when all my familia gets in the car, there's not mushroom.
SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: CHICKEN
My girlfriend wanted me to go to the store, but chicken go by
herself.
SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: LIVER & CHEESE
Some guy tried to sweet talk my woman. I told him, yo loco,
liver alone, cheese mine.
SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: JULY
Ju tol me ju were goin to the store and July to me! Julyer!
SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: WAFER
I wanted to go with my mom to the flea market pero she
didn't wafer me!
SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: HERPES
I had some cake to share with my wife, this is my piece
this is herpes.
SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: TISSUE
I told you if you didn't know how to do it, I could tissue.
SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: HARASSMENT
My old lady caught me in bed wit my lover so I said harassment
nothing to me!
SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: CASHEW
I was running after you but I couldn't cashew!
SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: BISHOP
We went out to the club y mi vieja got drunk and fell down,
so I had to pick the bishop.
SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: JUICY
Hey man, I'm looking for Paco, tell me if juicy him!
rubin
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Flaming Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Flaming has evolved into a highly-stylized art form, complete with
unwritten rules and guidelines.
Here, I have attempted to document the Art of Flaming, in such a way
as it will be interesting to old hands (flame masters) and novices
(virgins) alike. Without a further ado, then, I present:
The 12 commandments of flaming:
Make things up about your opponent: It's important to make your lies
sound true. Preface your argument with the word "clearly." "Clearly,
LiCkY has no brain, and is a moron to boot."
Be an armchair psychologist: You're a smart person. You've heard of
Freud. You took a psychology course in college. Clearly, you're
qualified to psychoanalyze your opponent. "LiCkY, by using the word
'LiCk' in her posting, shows she has a bad case of penis envy."
Cross-post your flames: Everyone on the net is just waiting for the
next literary masterpiece to leave your terminal. From
rec.arts.wobegon to alt.tasteless.
breaths until your next flame. Therefore, post EVERYWHERE.
Conspiracies abound: If everyone's against you, the reason can't
possibly be that you're a fuckwit. There's obviously a conspiracy
against you, and you will be doing the entire net a favor by
exposing
it....;-)
Lawsuit threats: This is the reverse of Rule #4 (sort of like the
Yin & Yang of flaming). Threatening a lawsuit is always considered
to be in good form. "By saying that I've posted to the wrong group,
lab~rat has libeled me, slandered me, and sodomized me. See you in
court, Rodent."
Force them to document their claims: Even if SpitFire states
outright that he likes to view womens tits, you should demand
documentation. If Newsweek hasn't written an article on Spitty's tit
preferences, then Spitty's obviously lying.
Use foreign phrases: French is good, but Latin is the lingua franca
of flaming. You should use the words "ad hominem" at least three
times per article. Other favorite Latin phrases are "ad nauseum,"
"vini, vidi, vici," and "fetuccini alfredo."
Tell 'em how smart you are: Why use intelligent arguments to
convince them you're smart when all you have to do is tell them?
State that you're a member of Mensa or Mega or Morons of America.
Tell them the scores you received on every exam since high school.
"I got an 800 on my SATs, LSATs, GREs, MCATs, and I can also spell
the word 'premeiotic' ."
Accuse your opponent of censorship: It is your right as an American
citizen to post whatever the hell you want as many times as u want
to the net (as guaranteed by the 37th Amendment, I think). Anyone
who tries to limit your cross-posting or move a flame war to email
is either a communist, a fascist, or both.
Doubt their existence: You've never actually seen your opponents,
have you? And since you're the center of the universe, you should
have seen them by now, shouldn't you? Therefore, THEY DON'T EXIST!
This is the beauty of flamers' logic.
LiCk, cheat, steal, leave the toilet seat up!
When in doubt, insult: If you forget the other 11 rules, remember
this ONE. At some point during your wonderful career as a flamer you
will undoubtedly end up in a flame war with someone who is better
than you. This person will expose your lies, tear apart your
arguments, make you look generally like a bozo. At this point,
there's only one thing to do: insult the dirtbag!!! "Oh yeah? Well,
your mother does strange things with vegetables."
*The Golden Rule of Flaming*
My flames will be witty, insulting, interesting, funny, caustic, or
sarcastic, but NEVER, EVER, will they be boring. At least not to me
and Im all that matters.
Here endeth the scriptures..
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Microsoft Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Microsoft Corporation has just announced a new PC keyboard designed
specifically for Windows. {Sources say a Macintosh variant is in the
works.} In addition to the keys found on the standard keyboard,
Microsoft's new design adds several new keys which will make your
Windows computing even more fun! The final specs are not yet set, so
please feel free to make suggestions. The keys proposed so far
are:
1) GPF key -- This key will instantly generate a General Protection
Fault when pressed. Microsoft representatives state that the purpose
of the GPF key is to save Windows users time by eliminating the need
to run an application in order to produce a General Protection
Fault.
2) $$ key -- When this key is pressed, money is transferred
automatically from your bank account to Microsoft without the need
for further action or third party intervention.
3) ZD key -- This key was developed specifically for reviewers of
Microsoft products. When pressed it inserts random superlative
adjectives in any text which contains the words Microsoft or Windows
within the file being edited.
4) MS key -- This key runs a Microsoft commercial entitled
"Computing for Mindless Drones" in a 1" x 1" window.
5) FUD key -- Some thing to do with the display ... self
explanatory.
6) XP key -- Generates do nothing loops for months at a time.
7) IBM key -- Searches your hard disk for operating systems or
applications by vendors other than Microsoft and deletes them. (Is
very effective at removing Netscape).
8) MSN Key -- With a single keystroke you will install and setup the
world's second slowest web access (AOL takes first place). And you
thought it was tough deleting all of the SetupMSN files from Win 95!
9) FDISK Key -- Microsoft's new compression utility gives you 100%
data compression guaranteed. Could stand for Format Disk, but we all
know what it really stands for.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Quickie Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Visa is everywhere you want to be, except out of debt.
The newest vitamin is made from chicken soup. It makes men cocky and
women lay better.
The Vatican has decided that it is not a sin
to kiss a nun, just don't get into the habit.
Why did the blonde stop using the pill?
It kept falling out!
Our forefathers guaranteed us the right to the pursuit of happiness.
They should have given us a few clues as to where to look.
Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks,
it was called witchcraft ... Today, it's called golf.
Q: What do you call the space between the vagina and the asshole?
A: A Chin Rest!
Q. What do you get if you cross a pit bull with Lassie?
A. A dog that chews your leg off, then fetches the doctor.
My wife and I divorced over religious differences - She thought she
was God and I didnt.
Two ancient occupants of a geriatric nursing home were discussing
the merits of this "newfangled" support pantyhose."Well, I don't
like them," said the first old dear, "because every time I fart, I
blow my slippers off ... !"
"Don't worry if your job is small, and your rewards are few.
Remember that the mighty oak was once a nut like you!"
I don't have to be dead to donate my organ.
Bumper sticker seen on the back of a car......
"I wish my wife was this dirty!"
Smoking a cigarette shortens your life by 14 minutes.....
having sex lengthens it by 12 minutes ...... So smokers ... Screw
for your lives!
Q. How do you piss off Winnie the Pooh?
A. Stick two fingers in his honey.
A man and his wife are watching boxing on TV. The husband sighs and
says, "I'm disappointed! It was all over in four minutes." The wife
replies, "Good! now you know how I feel."
Q:What's the best way to catch Dolly Parton in the woods?
A: Use a booby trap!
What's the similarity between a man and an uppercase Q?
They're both big fat zeroes with little dicks hanging off them.
One question to ask please. . .
If Russia was to attack Turkey from the rear- would Greece help?
Archaeologists have finally come up with an explanation as to why
man eventually began walking upright. to free up their hands for
masturbation.
What does a gay man and an ambulance have in common
They both get loaded from the rear and go Woo-Whoo!
~~~~~~~~~~~~
The BeDazzler is back again and it's the fashion craze of the
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Leak Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
LEAK SUPPORT
*ring* *ring*
"Hello! Technical Support, how can I help you?"
"Well, I was sorta hoping someone could walk me through taking a
leak."
"Okay ... well, do you have to go now?"
"Yes, I do"
"Okay ... well, are you on male or female equipment?"
"MALE-CLONE.
"Okay, the first thing we want to do is find your fly."
"My what?"
"Your fly ... it opens your pants. It should be in the front of you.
Look down."
"I see shoes."
"No, sir ... look sorta in the front of you ... like just below your
stomach. You should see some metal on your pants. That's your fly."
"The round thing?"
"Well, that's your button ... let's open that, too, while we're down
there. The fly looks like a lot of little metal things sideways."
"Oh, okay ... got it. [pause] Okay, it's open."
"Okay, sir ... can you grab your willy?"
"No."
"Do you see your willy?"
"No."
"Okay ... what do you see?"
"I see white ... just white and some lines."
"Do you have underwear installed?"
"No."
"Sir, if you can't see your willy, and you see only white ... I
think
that you may have underwear installed. We are going to have to
uninstall your underwear to take a leak."
"Well, my friend was the last one to use my fly ... he might have
installed underwear."
"Okay, sir ... well grab the white part and pull down ... keep
pulling until you see your willy."
"It's stuck ... it won't go down."
"The white part? Or your willy?"
"My willy..."
"DON'T pull down on your willy, sir ... just the underwear. We only
want to get to the point where we can see it...."
"Oh ... okay, we're there."
"Okay ... now look around the room ... do you see anything made of
porcelain?"
"I see a little penguin on a shelf."
"Okay, sir ...you're in the living room. Go to the bathroom. We
can't
take a leak until we are in the bathroom. The bathroom will have a
lot of tile, maybe some carpeting. Yours might have mirrors or some
soap in it. Some people have showers in their bathrooms."
"Well, I'm downstairs ... I think the bathroom is upstairs."
"Okay, well ... let's go upstairs."
"I can't walk..."
"Okay, sir ... temporarily reinstall your underwear ... then go
upstairs ... then uninstall your underwear again."
"That was the white part, right?"
"Yes, sir ... that's correct."
[pause] "Okay, I'm upstairs."
"Okay ... now do you see any porcelain bowl-type things?"
"Well, there's two..."
"How tall are you sir?"
"5'4"
"Okay ... go to the one where it's lower than your willy."
"Okay, I'm there."
"Now, make sure that you are pointing toward the porcelain bowl ...
now just go."
"What do you mean?"
"Well, when it pops up ... just hit 'OK'."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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* Works Under Water
* Has More Torque Than Any Other Scrubber
* Nearly 300 Scrubs Per Minute
14 Day Trail
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
LynnLynn's Links
~~~~~~~~~~~~
If You haven't joined LynnLynn's mailing List yet, send a blank
e-mail to LynnLynns-links-
*+*+*+*+*+*+
Subscribers and Friends
Melva/Why We Celebrate
http://www.silveran
The Gift of Love
http://www.loratrue
CHRISTMAS WITHOUT ME
http://www.wtv-
John w/ Fall Softly Snow
http://heavens-
*+*+*+*+*+*+
Feel what it's like to be famous.
Get the Guitar Hero World Tour(R) Band Kit, FREE (with completion of
program requirements)
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Surfin Surfari
Bush's Boot Camp Via Amy
http://sockandawe.
Reindeer Facts
http://www.alittlec
Rules of Regifting
http://www.regiftab
Solstice
http://www.candlegr
Almost Always - (SMILES)
http://www.coolcard
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Tech Talk ( Computers and Web-tv)
Christmas Midis
http://www.wtv-
Cpanel Newbie Guide
http://www.webhostg
Scott's Space Invaders
http://www.sb-
*+*+*+*+*+*+
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Animal World
Doggie Zone
http://www.all-
Kitty Korner
http://www.flippysc
Hero Dog
http://www.metacafe
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Movie Chips
Examendeprostata
http://www.buffalos
Fairy Tale Ending
http://www.buffalos
Farting In a Womens Toilet
http://www.buffalos
Fartman
http://www.buffalos
Feelings
http://www.buffalos
Chinook Water
http://www.buffalos
Circus Monte Carlo
http://www.buffalos
An Unusual Gun
http://www.buffalos
Coming Home
http://www.buffalos
Cop Crapper
http://www.buffalos
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Short Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A plumber knocked at the door. "I've come your blocked toilet, he
said to the man answered the door.
"But we haven't got a blocked toilet."
"Are you Mr. Collis?" asked the plumber.
"No. He moved away two weeks ago."
"Shit! There are some real bastards in the world,"the plumber said.
"They ring for a plumber as a screaming emergency, then piss off to
another address!"
A woman goes to a doctor to discuss her husband's impotentcy
problem. The doctor says just give your husband these pills in his
next meal and standback. The woman goes home and hands the pills to
her cook who was preparing dinner for a dinner party later that
night. The woman says to the cook, "just put two of these in my
husband dinner tonight". As the woman walks out of the kitchen the
cook thinks, sure, like I got nothing better to do, and she throws
the whole bunch into the soup. As the guests were sitting down to
dinner, the cook comes out of the kitchen and advises the lady of
the house that she must speak to her in that there is a big problem
in the kitchen. The lady of the house follows the cook into the
kitchen and demands to know what is going on. The cook admits to
throwing all the pills into the soup and crys "I don't know what to
do, the meat balls have doubled in size and the vermicelli is
standing straight up".
Cinderella is sitting home, crying. A fairy flies by and hears the
crying, so he decides to check it out. He goes in and asks
Cinderella: "Why are you crying?" "Others are at the ball, but I
can't go there!" "Why?" "I'm having my period" "Others have periods
too, but they are at the ball?" "Yes, but I don't have a tampon!" So
the fairy gives Cinderella a golden tampon, packed in a silver box.
Even Cinderella's mother doesn't have so beautiful tampons. So
Cinderella goes to the ball. Later that night, past midnight,
Cinderella comes home, her legs spread wide open, like she has given
birth to five babies. The same fairy happens to see her and asks,
what happened? "You didn't tell me that when it's midnight it will
turn into a pumpkin!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bendaroos - Amazing Flexible Building Sticks
Keep the kids happy whenever and wherever - at home, in a restaurant
or even in the car! Forget messy crayons, markers and pens. Just
bend any color and watch the fun begin! Build, draw, decorate and
transform ordinary objects into incredibly fun toys!
Order today and we'll DOUBLE your order!
http://buffaloschip
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Toon Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
dog and the bone
http://www.thepostm
foreplay
http://www.thepostm
the pants and the chimney
http://www.thepostm
Tit Mans Dream
http://www.buffalos
<a href=" http://www.buffalos
Bi-Sexual
http://www.buffalos
<a href=" http://www.buffalos
Better Or Worse
http://www.buffalos
<a href=" http://www.buffalos
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Loud 'N Clear, the compact personal sound amplifier, allows you
to listen to low-volume sounds clearly and comfortably.
The Loud 'N Clear listening device is cleverly designed
to look like an expensive cell phone ear piece.
Additional Ordering Details:
http://buffaloschip
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Limerick Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was a young fella from Astor...
Who... while boffing the wife of the pastor...
Said with a grin...
As he started to sin...
I'd have the daughter too had I but asked her!
A sprightly young gal in Pompeii
Used to make fifty drachma per lay.
But age dimmed her renown,
And now she lies down
Fifty times for the same pay.
A grey-haired American professor
Met a beat-up old whore from Odessa
She applied all her arts
To his genital parts
But they only grew lesser and lesser.
Said a busy young whore named Miss Randalls,
As men by the dozens she handles,
"When I get this busy
My c*nt gets all jizzy
And it runs down my legs like wax candles."
Yer Hillbillly friend in TN...
Ross
PROUD father of an American Soldier
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Parting Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did a little researching* and discovered the top 6 songs on
disgraced Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich'
6. AC/DC, "You Shook Me Down All Night Long".
5. Paul Simon, "50 Ways to Milk the System"
4. Bob Marley, "I Sold The Senate"
3. Paper Lace, "The Night Chicago Lied"
2. Paul McCartney and Stevie Wonder, "Perjury and Bribery"
1. Chicago, "25 or 6 to 4 (Years in Prison)"
*The 'research all came from Chris White's Top 5 list
[ Copyright 2008 by Chris White ]
[ http://www.topfive.
Mojo
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bonus Chip
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A couple had been married for 50 years. They
were sitting at the breakfast table one morning
when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago
we were sitting here at this breakfast table
together."
"I know," the old man said. "We were probably
sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered. "Let's relive some old
times."
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat
down at the table. "You know, honey," the little
old lady breathlessly replied,
"My nipples are as hot for you today as they were
fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's
in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."
Randy
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn
Vol 152
The Honeymoon part 1
BJ and Diana clear customs after landing and are waiting for a taxi.
One pulls up and BJ hands the driver the address of their hotel.
Screech the taxi takes off.
BJ: I think taxi drivers here are the worst, even over Italian taxi
drivers.
Diana: The driver speaks perfect Hebrew. It is amazing to hear it
spoken as an everyday language.
Screech! The driver pulls up to the Hotel and turns around and
says:
That will be twenty-five dog biscuits please.
BJ: Katie! How did you get here before us? We were almost
non-stop.
Katie: Come up to your room, Sandi and I will explain everything.
BJ checks in the hotel(already paid for by Katie) and heads to their
room. BJ and Diana see Sandi in bed with the remote watching TV.
Sandi: Pops!
BJ: How did you get here?
Katie: An interesting problem father. I connected the time-machine
to the UFO. First we went back 1,000 years in time, put the time-
machine in the UFO, then flew to Israel. Heh heh no radar then.
We stashed the UFO and time machine in a cave then moved the
time to two days ago.
Diana: How did you learn Hebrew so well. I noticed you also speak
Arabic.
Katie: I had two days, good grief, how long does it take to learn
another language?
Sandi: I let her learn the lingo. I have been a couch potato. By
the
way pops, when are you going to tell us the Christmas story?
BJ: Diana, may I?
Diana: Sure go ahead.
BJ: Okay girls this is the Christmas story as told in the book of
Luke.
BJ starts to read and as he reads he notices first Katie then Sandi
then Diana nod off and fall asleep. BJ puts down the Bible and
leans
back in his chair.
Sandi: Pops! Look at that bright star!
To be continued
BJ and the Herd in Guthrie or Somewhere in Time.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Adult Adult Adult
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