Adult Adult
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
Even though the daughter put in a change of address a year ago,
she still is getting mail delivered to my address and yesterday's
letter was just a bit on the strange side as it was from AARP. They
sure are recruiting new members early now as I was surprised when
they contacted me when I turned fifty.
Buffy came over today to dye Easter Eggs with Sandy and when they
finished she was surfing channels to find an Easter program I suggest
Passion of the Christ on TMC later in the evening but she was more
interested in something along the line of the Velveteen Rabbit or Peter
Cottontail but no such luck. I wanted something a little more serious
to put me in the Easter mood so I put on my copy of Jesus Christ
Superstar and watched an Easter movie on mute at the same time.
I am still disappointed about the twin CD set that I bought as it wasn't
the original that came out in 1970 with the lead singer from Deep
Purple as Jesus but rather a remake that has Alice Cooper as King
Herrod. Both are excellent but I had some memories attached to the
original from my college days and for thirty bucks I thought it should
have been the right one especially since the cover art was the same.
Later this evening I checked the channels for something appropriate
and watched Moses for awhile but I was hoping that the History
channel would have a documentary as it had Friday night. Instead they
had some sort of Planet of the Apes marathon going all evening. I don't
know if that has any religious significance to any group, but not to me.
I wish all a Happy Easter, Passover, or just a warm spring day. Enjoy the
chips.
buffalo
Presidential Easter Message 2007
The following text is a Presidential Message for Easter 2007:
"Rejoice!"
Matthew 28:9
Laura and I send greetings to all those celebrating the glorious Easter
holiday.
The Resurrection of Jesus Christ is the most important event of the
Christian faith. Easter morning holds wonder and promise, and it is a chance
for people everywhere to gather with family and friends to celebrate the
power of love conquering death. In this season of renewal, we can rejoice in
Christ's rising, draw strength and inspiration from His example, and
remember that in the end, even death itself will be defeated.
This Easter we pray for all our men and women in uniform and for the
military families whose loved ones are deployed on important missions in
distant lands. We remember especially those who have given their lives in
freedom's cause.
On this powerful day, let us join together and give thanks to the Almighty
for the glory of His grace.
Happy Easter, and may God bless you.
GEORGE W. BUSH
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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No No Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
101 Things NOT to Say During Sex
1.. But everybody looks funny naked!
2.. You woke me up for that?
3.. Did I mention the video camera?
4.. Do you smell something burning?
5.. What tampon?
6.. Try breathing through your nose.
7.. A little rug burn never hurt anyone.
8.. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?
9.. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
10.. But whipped cream gives me the shits.
11.. Can you make some noises, so that hottie next door thinks I'm good?
12.. Hurry up! This room rents by the hour!
13.. Can you please pass me the remote control?
14.. Do you accept Visa?
15.. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
16.. Ew - on second thought, let's turn off the lights.
17.. And to think - I was really trying to pick up your friend!
18.. So much for mouth-to-mouth.
19.. Try not to leave any stains, okay?
20.. Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...
21.. (Holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!
22.. Do you get any premium movie channels?
23.. Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!
24.. (Preparing to incorporate peanut butter) But I just steam-cleaned
this couch!
25.. Got any penicillin?
26.. But I just brushed my teeth...
27.. Smile, you're on Candid Camera!
28.. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
29.. I want a baby!
30.. So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!
31.. (In a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?
32.. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...
33.. Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
34.. I think you have it on backwards.
35.. When is this supposed to feel good?
36.. Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!
37.. You're good enough to do this for a living!
38.. Is that blood on the headboard?
39.. Did I remember to take my pill?
40.. Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?
41.. I wish you'd let me put this bag on your head...
42.. That leak better be from the waterbed!
43.. I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!
44.. So, how's your mother?
45.. Did I tell you that I found this mattress on the side of the
highway?
46.. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance.
47.. No, really... I do this part better myself!
48.. It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!
49.. This would be more fun with a few more grandparents.
50.. You're almost as good as my ex!
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Toon Chips For Those Who Can't Wait
Tit Mans Dream
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
More No No Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
51.. Do you know the definition of statutory rape?
52.. Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten
potatoes?
53.. You look younger than you feel.
54.. Perhaps you're just out of practice.
55.. You sweat more than a galloping stallion!
56.. They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.
57.. Now I know why he/she dumped you...
58.. Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?
59.. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.
60.. I hope my stomach doesn't look too puffy - I haven't shat in weeks.
61.. Have you ever considered liposuction?
62.. And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!
63.. What are you planning to make for breakfast?
64.. I have a sickening confession..
65.. I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!
66.. Are those real or am I just behind the times?
67.. Were you by any chance repressed as a child?
68.. Is that a hanging sculpture?
69.. You'll still vote for me, won't you?
70.. Did I mention my transsexual operation?
71.. I really hate women who actually think sex means something!
72.. Did you come yet, dear? Did I?
73.. I'll tell you who I'm fantasizing about if you tell me who you're
fantasizing about...
74.. A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!
75.. Does this count as a date?
76.. Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!
77.. Hic! I need another beer for this please.
78.. I think purple nurples are romantic - don't you?
79.. You can cook, too right?
80.. When would you like to meet my parents?
81.. Have you ever tried it in the nose?
82.. Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"?
83.. Sorry about the nametags, They're to avoid any embarrassment later.
84.. Don't mind me. I always file my nails in bed.
85.. (In a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?
86.. I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a
light?
87.. Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.
88.. Sorry but I don't do toes!
89.. You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!
90.. Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!
91.. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper...
92.. I'll bet you didn't know I work for ''The Enquirer''.
93.. So that's why they call you Mr. Flash!
94.. My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!
95.. Is this a sin too?
96.. I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!
97.. Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?
98.. Long kisses clog my sinuses...
99.. Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise...
100.. How long do you plan to be ''almost there''?
101.. You mean you're NOT my blind date?
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Noah Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
When the ark's door was closed, Noah called a meeting with all the
animals.
"Listen up!" Noah said with a demanding voice. "There will be NO sex
on this trip. All of you males take off your penis and hand it in to
my sons. I will sit over there and write you a receipt. After we
see land, turn in your receipt and I will give you back your penis."
After about a week Mr. Rabbit stormed into his wife's cage and was
very excited.
"Quick!" he said, "Get on my shoulders and look out the window to see
if there is any land out there!"
Mrs. Rabbit got onto his shoulders, looked out the window, and
said, "Sorry, no land yet."
"Damn!", exclaimed Mr. Rabbit.
This went on every day until Mrs. Rabbit got fed up with him. Mrs.
Rabbit asked, "What is the matter with you? You know it will rain
for forty days and nights. Only after the water has drained will we
be able to see land. Why are you acting so excited every day?"
"Look!" said Mr. Rabbit with a sly expression, as he held out a piece
of paper, "I GOT THE HORSE'S RECEIPT!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Sex Starved Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A sex-starved wife is fed up with her boozy husband. Every night he
comes in drunk and falls asleep straight away. It comes to a point where
she hasn't had a good shag for over a year and is considering divorce.
After another night in the pub, she decides to confront him when he
gets home. When he staggers through the front door, before she can have
a go at him, he coos "baby, get upstairs to the bedroom".
She can't believe it - at last he's going to give her one. They get to
the
bedroom and he rips off her clothes. "Now darling do a hand-stand
against
the full length mirror on the wall".
"Hmmm," she thinks "KINKY. I like it." She does the handstand and
her hubby pulls her legs apart and puts his chin between her legs right
on her muff.
"The boys down the pub were right," he says, "a Goatee WOULD suit me!"
Tony, having his second son christened, was much concerned about getting
the correct name on the child's birth certificate.
"Will you please name the baby just as I give it to you?" asked Tony.
"Certainly I will," answered the minister. "Why shouldn't I?"
"Well you see, it's like this reverend," replied Tony. "When I told you
I wanted to name my first boy TOM, you wrote on his birth certificate
'THOMAS'."
Tony continued, "I want to name this boy JACK."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Dog Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Super Powers Most Coveted by Dogs
Invisibath -- The power to disappear at the first sound
of bath water
ViseHump -- The leg hump grip of steel
AquaField -- Immunity to bucket of cold water when copulating
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Skeetvision -- The ability to shoot laser beams from
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SuperBladder, loaded with Toxi-Urine -- One lift of the leg
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SquirrelFreeze AnalTelepathy/
when combined allow one to smell another dog's butt without
actually having to get up and move around.
John-O-Matic -- Turns any toilet bowl into a crystal
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ChuckSpeed -- Ability to catch that friggin' Wagon Train
AntiPsych-Out -- Immunity to all that "fake throw"
bullsh--t!!
VacuCalm -- Utter self control whenever the vacuum
cleaner is turned on.
GucciTract -- An invincible digestive system that
sustains itself entirely on designer shoes.
King Fido's Touch -- Everything you touch turns into a
milkbone.
DoberMorph -- Ability to change into a Doberman anytime
someone rolls up a newspaper
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Lager Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Guy goes to a doctor and says he has a
problem with sex. "I think my privates are
too small." He says.
The doctor asks him which drink he prefers.
"Well, Lager," he replies, quite bemused.
"Aaaahhh. There's your problem. It shrinks
things, those Lagers. You should try drinking
Guinness. That makes things grow."
Two months later the chap returns to the doctor
with a big smile on his face. He shakes the doctor
by the hand and thanks him.
"I take it you now drink Guinness?" asked
the doc. "No", replies the man "but I've got
the wife on Lager!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
LynnLynn's Links
~~~~~~~~~~~~
If You haven't joined LynnLynn's mailing List yet, send a blank e-mail
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Subscribers and Friends
Face Of Jesus Via Juanita
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Lourie and Sonya w/Easter Page
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Movies
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Never Take A Man's Last Beer
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mr. Abby Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
What Everyman Dreams He Will Read in Dear Abby
Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on
him.
A: Do it. Sperm can help you loose weight and gives a great glow to your
skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to perform
oral
sex on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you. The best thing
to
do is to thank him by performing it twice a day. Then cook him a nice
meal.
************
Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
A: This is perfectly natural behavior and it should be encouraged. The
man
is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. A night
out
chasing young single girls is a great stress relief and can foster a
more
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relationship better than the man being away for a day or two (it's a
great time to clean
the house too)! Just look at how emotional and happy he is when he
returns
to his stable home. The best thing to do when he gets home is for you
and
your best friend to perform oral sex on him. Then cook him a nice meal.
************
Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.
A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with
it, do it in your own time or ask your best friend to help. You may wish
to
videotape yourself while doing this, and present it to your husband as a
birthday gift. To ease your selfish guilt, perform oral sex on him and
cook
him a delicious meal.
************
Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
A: You are a bad person for bringing it up and should seek sensitivity
training. Foreplay to a man is very stressful and time consuming. Sex
should be available to your husband on demand with no pesky requests for
foreplay. What this means is that you do not love your man as much as
you
should - he should never have to work to get you in the mood. Stop being
so
selfish! Perhaps you can make it up to him by performing oral sex on him
and cook him a nice meal.
************
Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband always has an orgasm then rolls over and goes
to sleep never giving me one.
A: I'm not sure I understand the problem.
Perhaps you've forgotten to cook him a nice meal.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Toon Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Trick Mirror
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Little Bitches
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The Temple
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Limerick Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Said A Classicist Down In Peru,
''When In Love You Can Best Follow Through,
And Show Your Devotion,
With The Helical Motion,
Of The Great Archimedean Screw.''
____________
There Once Was A Girl From Peru,
Who Didn't Know What She Should Do.
So She Sat On Her Ass,
And Smoked Up Some Grass,
And Now She's As Ugly As You!
____________
There Once Was A Man From Peru,
Who Decided To Learn The Kazoo.
He Practiced At Home
With A Tissue And Comb,
But Inhaled, And Was Groomed Through And Through.
Yer Hillbilly friend in TN...
Ross
PROUD father of an American Soldier
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Parting Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jill, being the "only buy-on-sale shopper," beckoned
to a salesman in Bergdorf Goodman's, pointed to
white wool designer dress on a mannequin, and said,
"Hey Sonny boy, so how much is the dress on that
store dummy over there?"
"That dress is $899.95, Madam," sneered the rather
snotty salesman.
"Oh! For $99.95, I could get the same dress at
S. Klein's downtown!"
"But Madam," said the salesman, "You'll find that the
dress at Klein's is recycled wool. This original is
100% pure virgin wool."
And Jill replied, "So! For $800, I should be caring
what the lambs do at night?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Bonus Chip
~~~~~~~~~~~~
In the middle of an international gynecology conference, an English and
a French gynecologist are discussing various cases they've recently treated.
French Gynecologist: "Only last week, zer was a woman ooh came to see me,
and 'er cleetoris - eet was like a melon."
English Gynecologist: "Don't be absurd, it couldn't have been that big,
my good man, she couldn't have been able to walk if it was."
French Gynecologist: "Aaah, you eenglish, zare you go again, always
talkeeng about ze size... I was talkeeng about ze flavor."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn
Vol 943
Differences
Katie: Diana why are Rudy and Dad such
numbskulls? I mean they like dumb TV shows.
Diana: Let's go see what they are watching.
They walk downstairs ... and see...
Rudy wearing his ballcap shouting at the TV
as is BJ as is Sandi as is Ginger ... watching
We Were Soldiers.
Diana: Looks like Sandi and Ginger are watching
the same thing as BJ and Rudy are. What do you
think about that Katie?
Katie: Brainwashed. They must be brainwashed.
Let's go back upstairs and watch the Lakehouse.
As they start upstairs they pass Miss Kitty, Muffin
and Sylvester all are wearing little army outfits
as they head downstairs and join in the shouting
match at the TV.
Diana: Sigh, I guess it is just you and me girl.
Katie: Brutes. We will be the ladies.
The Herd in Guthrie
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Adult Adult Adult
Remember 9/11/01
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