THE POSTMAN'S CORNER
"If you don't know where you are going,
any road will get you there."
GOOD MORNING POSTMAN FANS!
This is one of my most favorite weeks of
the year. Traditionally, I am the one who
always went out a couple days before xmas
to get the stocking stuffers. The war department
and me always bought presents together, but
stockings, that was alway my thing. This year,
I'll need a little help because of my breathing
issues, so oldest daughter will go with me. And the
kids may be too old for stockings, but some
traditions die hard. We never got the kids much
candy as they were growing up, so I always went
a little over board on the stockings. And cookies.
Since I am home all day, and the war department
works, the cookie baking task has fallen on my
shoulders the last couple years. Sugar cookie cutouts,
little pecan sandies. no bake cookies, chocolate
marsh mellow brownies, all are a favorite with me.
And I usually bake em by the dozens. I like to pass
them out to family, friends, neighbors, etc. And
daughter says she is off work this week, so I have
a helper. I will need to bake an extra dozen just
so that Turk the dog, aka Carlos the rat has his
own. But some how, he always thinks he should have
more than his fair share, usually devouring his,
and then begging me for mine also. So, baking cookies,
yeah, you never have enough Christmas cookies
We do hope you enjoy today's issue!
Cordially
Martin aka the postman
__________
THE COMICS
shit
http://www.thepostmanscorner.net/f001.html
no carrots
http://www.thepostmanscorner.net/f002.html
the history of eggnog
http://www.thepostmanscorner.net/f003.html
waterboarding
http://www.thepostmanscorner.net/f004.html
snif
http://www.thepostmanscorner.net/f005.html
boobs
http://www.thepostmanscorner.net/f006.html
it fell off
http://www.thepostmanscorner.net/f007.html
in the bank
http://www.thepostmanscorner.net/f008.html
listen
http://www.thepostmanscorner.net/f009.html
__________
LETS GO TO THE MOVIES
a magic trick
http://www.thepostmanscorner.net/da/movies8682.html
nuts
http://www.thepostmanscorner.net/da/movies8683.html
play the violin with your pussy
http://www.thepostmanscorner.net/da/movies8684.html
embarrasing moments
http://www.thepostmanscorner.net/da/movies8685.html
the duck and the leomonade stand
http://www.thepostmanscorner.net/da/movies8686.html
interrogating Santa
http://www.thepostmanscorner.net/da/movies8687.html
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble
with one of her students The teacher asked,
'Harry, what's your problem?'
Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My
sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter
than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'
Ms.. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's
office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher
explained to the principal what the situation was. The
principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test.
If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go
back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to
him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal:
'What is 3 x 3?'
Harry:
'9.'
Principal:
'What is 6 x 6?'
Harry:
'36.'
And so it went with every question the principal thought
a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her,
'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'
Ms. Brooks says to the principal,
'Let me ask him some questions.'
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have
only two of?'
Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'
Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: 'Pockets.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'
Harry:
'Pants.'
Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy,
oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'
Harry:
'Coconut.'
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks:
'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could
stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does
sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'
Harry: 'Shake hands.'
The principal was trembling.
Ms.. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K'
that means a lot of heat and excitement?'
Harry:
'Firetruck.'
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,
'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last
seven questions wrong......'
______________
Tiger Woods Holiday Poem
Twas the night of Thanksgiving and out of the house
Tiger Woods came a flyin', chased by his spouse.
She wielded a nine iron and wasn't too merry,
Cause a bimbo's phone number was in his Blackberry.
He'd been cheatin' on Elin, and the story progressed.
Woman after woman stepped up and confessed.
He'd been cheatin with Holly, and Jaimee, and Cori,
With Joselyn, and Kalika. The world had the story.
From the top of the Tour to the basement of blues,
Tiger's sad sordid tale was all over the news.
With hostesses, waitresses, he had lots of sex,
When not in their pants, he was sendin' them texts.
Despite all his cryin' and beggin' and pleadin',
Tiger's wife went investin' -- a new home in Sweden.
And I heard her exclaim from her white Escalade,
"If you're gettin' laid then I'm gettin' paid."
She's not pouting, in fact, she is of jolly good cheer,
Her prenup made Christmas come early this year.
______________
MOM TAUGHT ME TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside,
I just finished Cleaning!"
MOM TAUGHT ME RELIGION
"You better pray that will come out of that carpet!"
MOM TAUGHT ME ABOUT TIME TRAVEL
"If you don't straighten up, I'll knock you into
next week!"
MOM TAUGHT ME LOGIC
"Because I said so, that's why!"
MOM TAUGHT ME FORESIGHT
"Make sure you wear clean underwear in case you're
in an accident."
MOM TAUGHT ME IRONY
"Keep laughing and I'll give you something to
cry about!"
MOM TAUGHT ME ABOUT THE SCIENCE OF OSMOSIS
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"
____________
A teacher was giving a lesson in sex education to her
fourth grade class. After showing a brief film and
reading the lesson, she asked if anyone had any questions.
One little boy held up his hand shyly. "Teacher, I
have a boy dog and he jumps over the fence and
wrestles with this girl dog and she has puppies. Is this sex?"
"Yes, that's sex," the teacher replied.
A little girl raised her hand. "Teacher, I have a girl
cat and there's a boy cat that jumps on her out in the
yard and they wrestle. Then she has kittens. Is that sex?"
"Yes, that's sex," the teacher replied.
Little Johnny then raised his hand. "Teacher, the other
night I saw a movie where three guys wrestled with
Sylvester Stallone. Is that sex?"
"No, that was not sex," the teacher replied.
"Good," Little Johnny replied. "I always thought it would
take more than three guys to screw Sylvester Stallone."
______________
Is there a Santa Claus? - a physicist view
Consider the following:
1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are
300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified,
and while most of these are insects and germs, this does
not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa
has ever seen.
2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the
world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim,
Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the
workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to
Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of
3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One
presumes there's at least one good child in each.
3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to
the different time zones and the rotation of the earth,
assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical).
This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say
that for each Christian household with good children, Santa
has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh,
jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the
remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have
been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh
and move on to the next house.
Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly
distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to
be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will
accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household,
a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to
do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus
feeding and etc.
This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per
second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of
comparison, the fastest man- made vehicle on earth, the
Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second -
a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.
4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element.
Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized
lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons,
not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight.
On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds.
Even granting that 'flying reindeer' (see point #1) could pull
TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight,
or even nine.We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload
- not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons.
Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the
Queen Elizabeth.
5) 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates
enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in
the same fashion as spacecraft re-entering the earth's
atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3
QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each.
In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously,
exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic
booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized
within 4.26 thousandths of a second.
Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces
17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa
(which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of
his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.>
In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on
Christmas Eve, he's dead now.
_____________
BUFFALO BILL
Streaker Goal
http://www.buffaloschips.com/skskwoi.htm
Sunrise Gold
http://www.buffaloschips.com/jsdkjsdk.htm
Super Gra
http://www.buffaloschips.com/sdkjak.htm
_____________
SYDESJOKES LIST
Extreme Parking
http://sydesjokes.com/lnk/vid1/000536.html
Extreme Winter Sports
http://sydesjokes.com/lnk/vid1/000537.html
Eyeglass Commercial
http://sydesjokes.com/lnk/vid1/000538.html
THAT'S ALL FOLKS!
Have a nice day!
FROM:
Martin aka the postman
__._,_.___
No comments:
Post a Comment