THE POSTMAN'S CORNER You can't buy precious memories With silver or gold, They come to us without a price As the years of life unfold  You're invited to join RemedyLife for FREE samples and special health offers that make living healthy easy! By supplying the knowledge and information necessary to remain active and vital, REMEDY helps subscribers take charge of their well-being through insightful editorial coverage on topics including nutrition, condition management, fitness, mind/body, medical breakthroughs and the latest in health news. http://www.thepostm  Get Your First 24 Loads of PUREX Detergent, FREE*! NEW! PUREX PLUS FABRIC SOFTENER For stain-fighting power & ultra freshness TRY PUREX Liquid Laundry Detergent PLUS FABRIC SOFTENER, FREE*! http://www.thepostm  WHICH NESTLE'S ARE YOU NUTS FOR? •BABY RUTH •BUTTERFINGER Vote & Get a 36-PACK of Your Favorite, FREE*! http://www.thepostm  FREE* NEW! PLANTERS Chocolate Lovers Get the perfect combination of sweet chocolate and PLANTERS nuts together in your mouth! Get your FREE* 2-Pack Sample of Milk-Chocolate Cashews or Dark-Chocolate Almonds. Satisfy your chocolate craving with crunchy, sweet PLANTERS Milk-Chocolate Cashews or Dark-Chocolate Almonds! A heavenly 2-Pack Sample of divine Milk-Chocolate Cashews or Dark-Chocolate Almonds is yours for FREE*! http://www.thepostm 'Whatever you give a woman, she's going to multiply. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.' So - if you give her crap, you will receive a bucket full of shit. Love and appreciate all the women in your life. Today is a difficult day. I look outside and it's gorgeous at 11:30 am. sunshine...temps in the 70s. I struggle to be a good patient like the "war department" tells me to be. However, I am getting stronger and the body is telling me that I am well. I am tempted to throw off this silly oxygen. Its no fun having a tube stuck in your nose. But we don't go to the doctor for the so called "follow up" exam until Friday. I guess I have to have the doctor tell me what I already know. And then, to add insult to injury, he is going to charge me a hundred bux to tell me what I already know. sheeshe. Anyways, I told the "war department" I would behave today. But you know, it looks so nice out there. What do you think? She would never know if I went for a quick little ride. Should I or shouldn't I ? hehehe We do hope you enjoy today's issue Cordially Martin aka the postman The Comics pick me http://www.thepostm the borders http://www.thepostm all I'm saying http://www.thepostm there are days like that http://www.thepostm wildnerness camping http://www.thepostm he needs to work on his routine http://www.thepostm coyote catches the road runner http://www.thepostm for all the lady readers.... In God we trust http://www.thepostm *Top 10 Things You'll Never Hear Dad Say* Top 10 Things You'll Never Hear Dad Say 10. Well, how 'bout that? I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions. 9. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun? 8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain hostile attitude. I like that. 7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car. GO CRAZY!! 6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating's not good enough for you, son? 5. Your mother and I are going away for the weekend. You might want to consider throwing a party. 4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies--ya know--that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks. 3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring. Now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall. 2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend. 1. What do I want for my birthday? Aahh, don't worry about that. It's no big deal. (Okay, they might say it. But they don't mean it) ____________ IF THE INTERNET GAVE YOU A DISEASE... Chronic :o( Blogged Arteries Spamorrhoids Irritable Google Syndrome Ebayla Virus Sore Eye As Is: Brought on by viewing too many poorly-built web pages The Common Code Yahooping Cough You Tuberculosis iThritis: Joint pain caused by using too many Apple products ____________ My grandson, Justus, age 10, and his sister Taylor, age 13, were always teasing each other. One day, Justus was getting "sensitive" about things his sister was saying to him. I reminded him that he had said the same types of things many times in days past.With quiet reflection, he spoke a gospel truth: "But it doesn't hurt as much coming out of my mouth as it does going into my ears." ____________ A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from an exclusive jewelry store."Listen, any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch and we forget about this?" The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip.The crook looked at the slip and said, "This is a little more than I intended to spend. Can you show me something less expensive?" ____________ Murray had a new flame, and before long they had a difference of opinion. "I don't like the way you're carrying on with other guys," he ranted, "That must stop!" "Calm down, Murray," she replied, "There's no reason for you to flip. Listen, don't I always let you take me to shows?" "Yeah." "And to dinner?" "That's right." "And don't I let you buy me flowers and clothes, and other gifts?" "Yeah." "So what are you getting excited about," she assured him, "I only sleep with them." ____________ On his 60th birthday, the man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a shaman living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the shaman, and wondered what he was in for. The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, 'This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3.' When you do that, you will be longer and harder than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want.' He was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, 'How do I stop the medicine from working?''Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' the shaman responded. 'But beware, when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon. 'He was eager to see if it worked. He went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited Cara to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, '1-2-3!' Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was very excited and began throwing off her clothes. And then she asked, 'What was the 1-2-3 for?' And THAT, boys and girls, is why we should NEVER end our sentences with a preposition. ____________ A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa , taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company. One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch. The old poodle thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!' Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?' Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 'Whew!' says the leopard, 'That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!' Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard , spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine! Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says 'Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard! Moral of this story.... Don't mess with old farts .. age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience. ____________ A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle. "It's for my husband," she tells the clerk. "Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk. "Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn't even know that I'm going to shoot him!" Buffalo Bill Sorry Sir no bathing suits in the lobby http://www.buffalos Sorry Officer http://www.buffalos Spitz Hound http://www.buffalos Sex with the witness http://www.buffalos Nunchucks (smut alert) http://able2laugh. THAT'S ALL FOLKS have a nice day! FROM: Martin aka the postman |
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