Adult Adult
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
The recent fire aboard the George Washington which caused
50 million in damage and delayed her deployment gave me
cause to think about fires in general and my training.
The Navy decided to send me through firefighting school four
times in the nine years I spent in, three at San Diego and one at
Great Lakes during Boot Camp along with the Gas Chamber.
The last time in San Diego was after leaving shore duty and I
figured it would be a breeze, like the other ones. We got to the
stage of investigating a fire. I was scene leader and the team
was comprised of people that had no experience in a DC station
but still things were going well. The investigator felt the
watertight
door with the back of his hand and screamed," hot hatch." and the
firefighting team moved in to start cooling him as he undogged the
hatch hinge side first. All by the book, except the nozzle man
went right past the spray position on the nozzle to straight stream
flattening the investigator against the wall. This was a pretty good
sized guy and he was a little upset but the instructor stopped
the exercise and told us to start over with everyone in the same
position. The same thing happened again, handle all the way
back to straight stream and I had to jump in between to keep
the investigator from attacking the nozzle man.
After that we moved to the two engineering fires and the first one
went excellent. 5,000 gallons of fuel oil in the bilges, and a can
of gas in an engine room or boiler room mock-up, two portable
foam mixers with two cans of AFFF in case anything goes wrong
and two hose teams in rain gear. After killing the first fire
everybody
was feeling pretty brave. They torched the fire and then asked
everyone if the fire was hot enough yet and everyone said no. They
asked again if the fire was hot enough and everyone said no and
then the nozzle man screamed, " My Jacket is melting." and he
dropped the nozzle and ran. I was second man back on the hose and
I shoved the guy ahead of me forward to the nozzle and we
attacked the fire with both hoses and had it out probably in thirty
seconds. The instructor had them relight the fire and took the
nozzle man inside so that he could quote, " experience what it was
like to be inside a fire and find out that someone had abandoned his
station." We didn't screw around the second time and went in and
put the fire out right away.
I fought a couple of fires on the Constellation, the first because
someone decided to store a semi- load of pipe insulation in
cardboard boxes in an uptakes space. The second was a storeroom
fire in the yards and it burnt up every roll of toilet paper and
paper
plates in the storeroom. We got called to GQ at 0600 and PSNS
fire department came onboard and finished putting the fire out
about three hours later. I was glad I never got a chance to test
any of my fuel oil fire training. A friend was the one who caused
the fire on the Kitty Hawk that killed six people. He had cleaned a
fuel oil transfer strainer and hadn't put the guards back on. The
strainer
sprayed fuel oil from a bad gasket on a steam line and the fire
sucked all the oxygen out of the space in under thirty seconds.
The watch had started to reel out twin agent hoses and died
from asphyxiation before they had a chance to turn them on.
Enjoy the chips... buffalo
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Creation Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
In the beginning there was the Void, and you couldn't find a decent
bloody beer, or for that matter, anything else decent anywhere. Then
God spake, saying unto the Cosmos "I want a decent bloody biscuit!"
And chocolate chip bickies appeared.
God tasted them and they were chewy and fatty and rich - and God saw
that they were good.
Then God looked forth for someone to tell how good the bloody beaut
bickies were, but there was Void, and fuck-all else, so God created
a place, and called it "Here."
And then, probably because he was bored shitless, God caused to
appear a man, right here, and called him "You." Then God spake, "Hey
You, try one of these bloody beaut bickies, they're great!"
"You" partook of the bloody beaut bickies, and raved as to the
goodness thereof. Then "You" looked for someone else to tell about
the wondrous bloody beaut bickies of chocolate chip, but there was
no one but him and God, and God already knew of them.
So "You" spake unto God, beseeching, "Who can I tell about these
bloody beaut bickies?"
With this in mind, God created woman, and called her "Wowza," for
her form was exceedingly fair to look upon. "You" then spake unto
her and said, "Wowza, you bloody well have to try one of these
bloody beaut bickies!"
"Wowza" partook of the bloody beaut bickies, and said "Yeah well,
they're OK." Then she hid herself from "You" and God, and ate the
entire box of bloody beaut bickies
As a result God waxed wrathful and spake, "You! Where are my bloody
beaut bickies?"
"You" turned and cried, "Wowza! the bitch - She fucken gutzed the
whole box!"
For this God sent forth a curse of biblical proportion called
"cellulite" and smote "Wowza" horrendously on each of her hips,
causing "You" to look upon her and go "Fuck me! What a fat bitch"
Then Satan, He of rice cakes and Iceberg lettuce set, did appear and
sent to "Wowza" a divorce lawyer to comfort her in her grief.
And thus did "Here" become a place of bedevilment and God quoth,
"Next time, I'll send out for pizza, and I'll be buggered if I am
telling anyone, including "You"
Thus, it is written ...
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Elevator Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Things to Do in an Elevator. .
1) When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap him on
the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.
2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock.
Smile, and go back for more.
3) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the
wrong ones.
4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they
know what floor you're on.
5) Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for a friend. After a
while, let the doors close, and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?"
6) Drop a pen and wait until someone goes to pick it up,
then scream, "That's mine!"
7) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.
8) Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on, ask
if he has an appointment.
9) Lay down the Twister mat and ask people if they would like to
play.
10) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask him if
he can hear ticking.
11) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency
procedures and exits with the passengers.
12) Ask, "Did you feel that?"
13) Stand really close to someone, sniffing him
occasionally.
14) When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's
okay, don't panic, they open again!"
15) Swat at flies that don't exist.
16) Tell people that you can see their aura.
17) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering,
"Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"
18) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside,
ask, "Got enough air in there?"
19) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall,
without getting off.
20) Stare at another passenger for awhile, then announce in horror,
"You're one of THEM!" and back away slowly.
21) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the
other passengers.
22) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.
23) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
24) Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, and then
announce, "I have new socks on."
25) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and
announce to the other passengers, "This is MY personal
space!"
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Texan Chips
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A woman wants the inside of her house painted and she calls a
contractor in to help her. They wander around the house, and she
points out the colors she wants.
She says, "Now, in the living room, I'd like to have a neutral
beige, very soft and warm." The contractor nods, pulls out his pad
of paper and writes on it. Then he goes to the window, leans out and
yells, "Green side up!"
The woman is most perplexed but she lets it slide. They wander into
the next room. She says, "In the dining room I'd like a light white,
not stark, but very bright and airy." The contractor nods, pulls out
his pad of paper and writes on it. Then he goes to the window, leans
out, and yells "Green side up"!
The woman is even more perplexed but still lets it slide. They
wander further into the next room. She says, "In the bedroom, I'd
like blue. Restful, peaceful, cool blue." The contractor nods, pulls
out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then once more he goes to the
window, leans out and yells "Green side up"!
This is too much. The woman has to ask. So she says, "Every time I
tell you a color, you write it down, but then you yell out the
window 'Green side up.' What on earth does that mean?" The
contractor shakes his head and says, "I have four Texans laying sod
across the street."
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Johnny Chips
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There was once a boy named Johnny Go Deeper.
He attended a school where his father was the
principal, his mother was the vice principal,
and his sister was an administrator. He stayed
after class when the bell rang to speak with
his teacher, Mrs. Johnson.
He began the conversation by saying. "Mrs.
Johnson, please take off your shirt".
Mrs. Johnson quickly replied "No Johnny, I'm
not taking my shirt off".
So Johnny says "I'll tell my mother and my
father and my sister and they'll fire you.
So Mrs. Johnson removed her shirt.
Then Johnny says "Mrs. Johnson, please take
off your skirt".
Mrs. Johnson quickly replied "No Johnny, I'm
not taking my skirt off".
So Johnny says "I'll tell my mother and my
father and my sister and they'll fire you".
Mrs. Johnson then removed her skirt.
Then Johnny says "Mrs. Johnson, please take
off your bra and panties".
Mrs. Johnson quickly replied "No Johnny, I'm
not taking my bra and panties off".
So Johnny says "I'll tell my mother and my
father and my sister and they'll fire you".
Mrs. Johnson then removed her bra and panties.
Then Johnny says "Mrs. Johnson, please lay on
the table".
Mrs. Johnson quickly replied "No Johnny,I will
not lay on the table".
So Johnny says "I'll tell my mother and my
father and my sister and they'll fire you".
Mrs. Johnson lays on the table.
So Johnny jumped on top of her and proceeded
to try to penetrate her.
All of a sudden his mother walks in and yells
"JOHNNY GO DEEPER"
So Johnny replies "I'm trying, I'm trying".
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Clinton Chips
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Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama were sitting at the bar, drinking
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silence. Suddenly, Hillary turns and without warning, cold cocks
Obama, knocking him off his barstool.
After a moment Obama regains enough of his senses to say "What the
hell did you do that for?"
Clinton replies "That was for destroying the World Trade Centers!"
Barack responds "I didn't destroy the World Trade Centers. That was
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Clinton answers "Osama, Obama - same damn thing."
Obama shakes his head, climbs back onto his stool and continues with
his drinking. Several minutes later, he turns to Clinton and without
warning, cold cocks her and knocks her to the floor.
Getting to her knees and shaking her head to clear it, she demands
"What the hell did you do that for?"
Obama responds "That was for lying to the Grand Jury, obstructing
justice and for disgracing our country and the Office of the
President."
Clinton answers "I didn't do any of that, it was my husband Bill
Clinton."
Barack responds "Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton - same damn thing."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Short Chips
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Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by
his
office - and found him with his secretary sitting on his lap.
Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen,
shortage or no shortage, I cannot continue to operate this office
with just one chair that is safe to use."
The cabaret piano man was playing in an intimate and dimly lit
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embrace on a love seat right in front of the piano. They were
rather distracting, but finally they came up for air long enough
to make a breathless request. "Uh, could you play 'After the
Lovin'?'"
"Sure thing," agreed the piano player. "Just let me know when
you're through."
Patients call the pathology group where I am office
manager to discuss their medical bills. One irate
woman demanded that I describe every laboratory
test on her statement.
Of course, I complied. Starting with the first test
on her bill, I read, "Number 1, urinalysis..
She interrupted me at once. "I'm a what?"
"May I try on that lingerie in the window?" the gorgeous young woman
asks the manager of the designer boutique.
"Go ahead," the manager replies, "maybe it'll attract some
business."
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Leaf Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
They had frequently reprimanded an old and favored
servant of two maiden ladies for his free behavior
with the female servants. Caught one day in flagrante
delicto, he was summoned to their presence, and
while the girl was sacked, he was told that if he did
not do better and turn over a new leaf, much as they
valued him--his next escapade would be his last.
He promised amendment and matters went on very
well for a time. One evening, he was not to be found
when wanted, and, on a search being made, was
discovered in the beer cellar, buggering the pageboy.
"How now," he was asked, "is this your amendment?
You promised to turn over a new leaf."
"So I have" said he, "only I have begun at the
'bottom of the page!'"
Randy
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Toon Chips
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Limerick Chips
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There once was a weirdo named Cox
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But don't call me kinky
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A singer named Ursula Greville
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Her bush was so thick
It obstructed his prick
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Parting Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Synonyms for vomiting...
Be the mother bird
Blow acid
Blow beets
Blow foam
Blow groceries
Bow down before the porcelain god
Bring it up for a vote
Call for Huey
Call Uncle Ralph
Casting your bread upon the waters
Chewing backwards
Clean house
Commode hugging
Decorate the pavement
Doing the Big Spit
Drain the main
Driving the porcelain bus
Feed the fish
Go to Europe with Ralph and Earl in a Buick
Gut painting
Hollering for a Buick
Hug the porcelain wishing well
Induce antiperistalsis
Laugh at the carpet
Launching the shuttle
Liquid laugh
Lose some chopped carrots
Making Soup
Retaste dinner
Singing the lovely beer ballad
Talk to Ralph on the big white telephone
Technicolor yodel
The Brooklyn mating call
Thunder chunder rainbow parfait
To do a Bush (originally translated from the Japanese)
Tossing your tacos
Uncle Fester
Unrecoverable application error
Vector spew
Voiding
Waxing the floor
Whistling carrots
Yabble
Yell at the ground
Yell for Hughie
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Bonus Chip
~~~~~~~~~~~~
An elderly man was walking through the French countryside, admiring
the
beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he spotted a young couple
making love in a field. Getting over his initial shock he said to
himself, "Ah, young love... ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers...
C'est
magnifique!" and continued to watch, remembering good times.
Suddenly
he
drew in a gasp and said, "Mais... Sacre bleu! Ze woman - she is
dead!"
and he hurried along as fast as he could to the town to tell Jean,
the
police chief. He came, out of breath, to the police station and
shouted,
"Jean...Jean zere is zis man, zis woman ... naked in farmer Gaston's
field making love." The police chief smiled and said, "Come, come,
Henri
you are not so old; remember ze young love, ze spring time, ze air,
ze
flowers? Ah, L'amour! Zis is okay." "Mais non! You do not
understand;
ze
woman, she is dead!" Hearing this, Jean leapt up from his seat,
rushed
out of the station, jumped on his bike, pedaled down to the field,
confirmed Henri's story, and pedaled all the way back non-stop to
call
the doctor. "Pierre, Pierre, ... this is Jean, I was in Gaston's
field;
zere is a young couple naked 'aving sex " To which Pierre replied,
"Jean, I am a man of science. You must remember, it is spring, ze
air,
ze flowers, Ah, L'amour! Zis is very natural." Jean, still out of
breath, grasped in reply, "NON, you do not understand; ze woman, she
is
dead!" Hearing this, Pierre exclaimed, "Mon dieu!" grabbed his black
medicine bag; stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope, and other
tools;
jumped in the car; and drove like a madman down to Gaston's field.
After
carefully examining the participants he drove calmly back to Henri
and
Jean, who were waiting at the station. He got there, went inside,
smiled
patiently, and said, "Ah, mes amis, do not worry. Ze woman, she is
not
dead, she is British!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is BIG: You can save up to 60% on gas each year
by using a simple home made hydrogen generator and
... tap water!!
"Is it possible?", I get asked a lot...
"Hell Yeah", is the answer.
But then why do so few people know about this?
I mean, think about it... If you owned a trillion dollar Fortune 500
oil company, would you want people to think it's possible?
Of course not. You'd probably pump billions in advertising
and media so people would dismiss this possibility right
from the start and even laugh at it.
They are using mind control techniques to brain wash you!
But, it IS possible and the proof is there.
I saved $1,256 last year. Want to see how?
Go to
http://buffaloschip
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn
Vol 1392
On the Road
Diana, Rudy and Sandi are asleep in the back. Katie is wearing her
rose colored sunglasses, her multi-colored scarf as a headband and
is looking like a child of the 60's. She is sitting next to father.
BJ: I have some questions to ask you while we are on the road.
Katie: Sure first let me put this four track in the player.
BJ: What is the name of the group?
Katie: "The West Coast Pop Art Experimental Band Phase One."
BJ: What a coincidence, I had that record album in the mid 60's.
It was
my first introduction to psychadelic music.
Katie: What kind of music is that?
BJ: Oh just random kind of guitars and bizarre sounds. I liked
some of it.
Katie: Okay, what questions did you have for me?
BJ: Why are you such a bed hog?
Katie: I just jump into bed and leave you a spot to sleep in.
BJ: How about a larger spot. The area you leave me, leaves me no
room
to move.
Katie: Be happy with what you have, there are people who have
nothing.
BJ: Next question. How come you steal the covers at night?
Katie: I honestly do not know. I seem to wrap myself up like a
cocoon.
BJ: Yeah, and I wake up with no covers and just a edge of a bed to
sleep
on....and we have a king size bed.
Katie grinning....
Katie: Next question.
BJ: 3:30 am, 6:00 am, 10:00 pm. You have an internal clock that
says
bark.
Katie: Ah yes, 10:00 pm means it is time to go to bed, so I need to
let
you know, 6 am mean it is time to get up, 3:30 am means it is time
for me
to go to the bathroom.
BJ: Why do you bark at the front door and not go out.
Katie: Ah, that is the gathering place for you and I to discuss
matters
of importance.
BJ: Importance?
Katie: Matters of state, my state. I bark when I need father time.
I need you then, I need to snuggle, cuddle. I get your attention.
BJ: Oh. We usually do after we met.
Katie: Anything else father?
BJ: No, I think we have covered most of my questions.
Katie: Father?
BJ: Yes, Katie.
Katie: I really do love the car rides we take every week.
BJ: That's nice.
To be continued
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Adult Adult Adult
Remember 9/11/01
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