Adult Adult
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
Last night as I was sitting on the toilet, reading, I heard a crack
and the front half of the toilet seat slid forward while the back
half just sat there. This toilet seat was only six months old and
cost 25.00 at Wal-mart and was near their top of the line model so I
was disappointed to see that it was only pressboard. What happened to
the days when they used to make toilet seats out of real wood and
they lasted forever. They never broke and the only maintenance was to
put a coat of varnish or oil based paint on them when you could
afford to shut the bathroom down for
a day. I know of a lot of toilets that went out the door with the
same seat they came in with twenty years before.
This wasn't the first toilet seat I have had problems with and I
admit that weight may have caused the premature failure on a few but
not of the seat itself it was always those cheap
nylon bolts that they replaced good old steel with that broke.
Anyhow I told myself it was because I bought it from Wal-mart and I
went to Ace Hardware for one. I figure Madden isn't a
little guy and he probably buys his there. They got two seats in
about a dozen different colors and padding, one for 16.00 and one for
25.00 and they come in a box wrapped in plastic so you can't see what
hardware you get. The instructions and features are on the box in
four different languages, none of which I was fluent in. I bought the
16.00 one and headed for
home. I didn't really want to dive in and replace but I was feeling
the urge to use the toilet and I had only did a temporary fix the
night before with duct tape. I removed the old seat and
opened the box and was confronted with something new.
The two nylon bolts for the bowl went on first and then you
set the new seat on the two bolts which have gear shaped
heads and there is two locks you twist to lock the seat
down. If you want to clean the seat, twist the locks and wash
it in the laundry sink. Want to change the seat or put on your
company toilet seat, just twist the locks and put the new one on.
Wife is complaining cause you left the seat up, twist the locks and
take it to work with you which might lead to man found beaten to
death with toilet seat in bed.
Enjoy the chips and the last weekend of the summer.
buffalo
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DNC Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Top Ten Democratic National Convention Pickup Lines
Wanna form a more perfect union?
Something's rising and it's not the national debt
I'm stiffer than John Kerry
Let's go someplace and release our delegates
Care to join the wife and me for a little 'bipartisanship'
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I'm gonna Barack your world
Wanna pretend we're Republicans and have gay bathroom sex?
Hi, I'm John Edwards
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Toon Chips For Those Who Can't Wait
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Church Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little boy was walking down a dirt road one Sunday afternoon when
he met a little girl going in the same direction.
"Hello," said the little boy.
"Hi," replied the little girl. "Where are you going?"
"I've been to church this morning and I'm on my way home,"
"Me too. I'm also on my way home from church. Which church do you go
to?"
"I go to the Baptist church back down the road. "What about you?"
"I go to the Methodist church back at the top of the hill."
After they'd walked a short distance together they came to a low spot
in the road where rains had partially flooded the road. There was no
way they could get across to the other side without getting wet.
"If I get my new Sunday dress wet my Mom's going to skin me alive,"
said the little girl.
"My Mom'll tan my hide too, if I get my new Sunday suit wet,"
"I tell you what I think I'll do. I'm gonna pull off all my clothes
and hold them over my head and wade across."
"That's a good idea. I'm going to do the same thing with my suit."
So they both undressed and waded across to the other side without
getting their clothes wet. They were standing in the sun waiting to
dry before putting their clothes back on when the little boy
remarked ... "You know, I never did realize before just how much
difference there really is between Baptists and Methodists."
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Text Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wedding Text Messages ............
The Bureau of Meteorology forecasts rainstorms so the bride can
expect a few good inches overnight.
Love is a thousand miles long but comes in six inch installments.
"The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never
get to prove it."
Confucious say man who sink into womans arms soon have arms in womans
sink.
Sorry I cannot be at Wedding... Please send me a photo of Bride and
Groom Mounted.
Easy on the throttle, steady on the gears, roll her over gently and
She'll last for many years.
Dont keep him in the dog house too often or he might give his bone to
the woman next door.
Treat him like a flower... grab him by the stalk.
If you don't want the Stork to come, Shoot in the air.
Go for it mate. We all did!
All the best from Mr and Mrs Farkin and all the Farkin kids.
She offered her honour, He honoured her offer, and all night he was
on her and off her.
Don't Spring on the Inner-Spring this Spring or there will be an Off-
Spring next Spring.
Hope your honeymoon is like a train ride through the Khyber Pass, One
long hard route.
Please remember that Brandy makes you Randy, Whisky makes you Frisky,
but its a good stiff Johnny Walker that makes you Pregnant.
Travel Agency to Bride:
The grooms face leaves at midnight. Be on it.
Congratulations on the termination of your isolation and may I
express an appreciation of your determination to end the desperation
and frustration which has caused you so much consternation in giving
you the inspiration to make a combination to bring an accumulation to
the population.
Football coach to bride:
If you've tried him in 18 positions and he's still no good, pull him
off.
Treat the Bride like a new car, go easy for the first 500.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Blow Job Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Blow job Etiquette ( By a woman )
1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.
2. Extension to rule #1- So if you get one, be grateful.
3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw; it is not
standard practice to cum on someone's face. 4. Extension to rule #3-
No I DON'T have to swallow. 5. My ears are NOT handles. 6. Extension
to rule #5- do not push on the top of my head. Last I heard, deep
throat had been done. And additionally, do you really WANT puke on
your dick? 7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get' it is NEVER OK to
fart. 8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" -get
it through your head- I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't
feel particularly obligated to blow you just YOU can't have sex right
now. 9. Extension to #8- "Blue balls" might have worked on high
school girls- if your that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone
with my Midol. 10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my
teeth, don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you. 11. Leaving me
in bed while you go play video games immediately afterwards is highly
inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the
future. 12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to
speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and
be happy that we're good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude. 13.
No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about the
protein content. 14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV. 15.
When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow
jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to
either sympathize or brag. 16. Just because "it's awake" when you get
up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning".
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Gorilla Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was a warm, sunny Sunday, so a man and his wife
decided to take in the zoo. They spent the day and at
closing time they walked past the gorilla cage and the
man noticed the gorilla looking at his wife.
"That gorilla is getting excited just looking at your
tits," he said. "Why don't you take your blouse off
and we'll see what he does?"
At first she declined but finally persuaded by her
husband, she took off her blouse and bra. The gorilla
went nuts. He started grunting and jumping up and
down.
"Hey," the husband said, "let's really blow his mind.
Take off all your clothes and we'll see what he does."
Again she said no and again he persuaded her. This
time the ape really went bananas! He climbed up and
down the bars, did flips, ran around in circles and
tossed his food all over the cage.
The husband went over to the cage, opened the door
and pushed his wife in. "Now," said the husband with
an evil smile, "tell *HIM*, you have a headache!"
Randy
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Monk Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A window cleaner goes to a monastery looking for work.
The Abbot hires him but tells him to clean all the windows except the
top three.
So the window cleaner cleans all the windows except the top three for
years and years until curiosity finally gets the better of him.
He puts his ladder up against the first of the three windows and
looks in.
He sees 12 monks with their robes up and their cocks lying on a table
with a mouse running around on top of the table.
The window cleaner goes down the ladder moves to the second window
and looks in.
There he sees a beautiful woman and a monk in bed screwing like mad.
The window cleaner goes down the ladder and puts it up against the
third window.
He looks in and sees a monk tied up, stripped to the waist being
flogged.
He climbs down the ladder, but when he gets to the bottom the Abbot
is waiting for him.
The window cleaner says, "Look, I know your going to fire me, but
please, at least tell me what is going on up there."
"Well," says the Abbot, "in the first window you saw a competition to
see which is the lucky monk.
Wherever the mouse stops is the lucky monk. And in the second window
you saw a monk with the prize."
"But what about the third window?" the window cleaner asks.
"Well," says the Abbot, "that monk was caught with a piece of cheese
in his foreskin."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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LynnLynn's Links
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If You haven't joined LynnLynn's mailing List yet, send a blank e-
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Subscribers and Friends
Melva/Where Am I
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Tech Talk ( Computers and Web-tv)
Free Perl Scripts
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Midi Music
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Movies
Gay Weatherman
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Hot Moments
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Hot Sex
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How I crashed my Harley
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How I Will Feel If Hillary Is Elected
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Sleep fro
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Smart Ass
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Snake Prank
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Snow Bot
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Speech Interrupted
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Little Johnny Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little boy blows up a balloon and starts flicking it all around the
house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable
to
break something, but the boy continues.
'Johnny!' Mom screams. 'Knock it off.' You're going to break
something.
He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the shopping
center.
Johnny starts up with the balloon again after his mom has left for
the store. He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet
where he leaves it.
Mom comes in and while putting away the grocery gets the urge, A
diarrhea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and
SPLASH, out it comes.
When she's finished, she looks down and can't believe what she's
seeing.
She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She calls
her doctor. The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but
he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything.
When he arrives she leads him to the bath room and he gets down on
his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing. Finally, he takes
out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP!
The balloon explodes and poop is everywhere. On him, the walls,
etc. 'Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?' she asks. He says, 'I've
been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time
I've ever actually seen a fart !'
Patricia B
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Toon Chips
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Bert
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Poetry Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Good Ship Venus
Twas on the good ship Venus,
By Christ you should have seen us!
The figurehead was a whore in bed
And the mast was a raging penis.
The captain's name was Morgan,
A homosexual gorgan!
Three times a day he used to play
With his erotic organ
The captain's wife was Mabel
Whenever she was able,
She'd lie prostrate with the second mate
Upon the captain's table.
The ship's dogs name was Rover,
The crew they bowled him over.
They screwed that hound around and round
From Adelaide to Dover.
The captain's eldest daughter
Was swimming in the water.
Delighted squeals revealed that eels
Had found her sexual quarter.
The cabin boy was Pipper,
An artful little nipper.
He stuffed his arse with broken glass
And circumcised the skipper!
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Parting Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
These are actual (yeah, right - MM) clips from British Council flat
(apartment) tenants complaining to the Council about problems with
their flats
1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage
has fungus growing in it.
2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just
can't take it anymore.
3. It's the dog's mess that I find hard to swallow.
4. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning
at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.
5. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you
please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me
every night.
6. And their 18-year-old son is continually banging his balls against
my fence.
7. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and
satisfy my wife.
8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the
wall.
10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife
tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen
12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are
plain filthy.
13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is
cleared.
15. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny
colour & not fit to drink.
16. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and
burnt my knob off.
17. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which
is unsightly and dangerous.
18. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a
third so please send someone round to do something about it.
19. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when
he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
20. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet
roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Bonus Chip
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed
when
his wife complained, as usual, 'I have a headache.'
'Perfect,' her husband said. 'I was just in the bathroom powdering my
penis with crushed aspirin. You can take it orally, or as a
suppository,
it's up to you.'
Randy
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn
Vol 1406
Excursion Pt 2
Diana: So I still need to go to the pound and see if Rudy has been
arrested.
BJ: Right. He is not as fast as the girls and might have been
nabbed.
I still need to shower and the girls are exhausted.
Diana: They should be, a four hour run...
Diana leaves, BJ shaves and just before his shower he checks the
front
door...there lies Rudy..exhausted.
Rudy: Woe is me...I found a large limb to use as a crutch. Oh never
again. Never go on a 10 mile walk when you can only go 8 miles...woe
woe
agony. Help me to my bed, I am dying...Sandi get me a drink I am
too
tired to get one myself....oh the pain of it all.
BJ: Let Rudy get it for himself. He went on the trip like you
guys...he has a roll around his belly, he needs to work it off.
BJ: I notice you have been digging also.
Rudy: I think I was digging my grave..I was so tired...woe is me.
BJ: Do you want some cheese with that Ham Rudy?
Rudy's ears perk up...:Where is the food?
Katie: I just phoned Diana and told her Rudy is safe and at home.
BJ:Thanks.
Rudy: Maybe Toots will have mercy on me.
Sandi: Tell daddy about the restroom.
Rudy: Yeah they have pay as you go restrooms for dogs now.
BJ: Really, where?
Rudy: You have cars in front of them, people put money in them, and
we then get to use them as restrooms, ack, paying restrooms.
BJ: Those are parking meters, not restrooms.
The herd in Guthrie
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Adult Adult Adult
Remember 9/11/01
Regarding any problems unsubscribing this mailing list
In accordance with the 2004 Can-Spam act you can contact me at:
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Sault Ste Marie Michigan 49783
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Compilation and narrative copyright 2002 by william Brabant
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