Adult Adult
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
Six days ago the USS George Washington left San Diego
for Yokosuka Japan to begin her tour as our first forward
deployed nuclear aircraft carrier. I think it is remarkable
that finally after more than sixty years we have reached a
level of trust between our two countries that would permit
this event. Sure there will be a few protests but our presence
in Southeast Asia is important. To the crew it will be a drastic
change in cultures and many will spend their whole enlistment
never touching American soil except on leave. Those who are
married will have the chance to bring their dependents there
and some will enjoy and learn from living in a foreign country
and some will not. I wish the crew of the George Washington
best luck on the job ahead of them.
Eva managed to get into my Vista computer and remove all of
the icons from my desktop. I wasn't even aware that was an option
and had to dig for a bit to find where to restore them. Just after
that
she got a hold of my wallet again and even though I got my money
back I haven't located my driver's license yet. I figure I'll give it
to
Tuesday and if I still haven't found it yet it will be time for a
trip to
the Secretary of State office and another 12 bucks for a replacement.
It's coming out of her allowance.
Enjoy the chips..... buffalo
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Nurse Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
My Life with a Nurse: A Man's Perspective
Ah, such mysterious, wondrous creatures are nurses. What treasures
lurk beneath those crisp, white uniforms....
have fantasies of discovering those secrets for himself.
SCREEEEEECH!
I've been married to a nurse for more than a quarter of a century,
and let me tell you, nurses are not what you expect (and I don't even
care what you expect, because you are wrong)! Let's begin by tearing
down some of the more famous assumptions about nurses right off the
top:
The Nurse as Sex Kitten:
Any man who lived through the early seventies or has made it a point
to rent such famous videos as "Night Duty Nurses" or "Student Nurses"
or "Night Duty Student Nurses" or any one of several dozen nurse-
centric skin flicks will immediately believe that all nurses have
heaving bosoms, just millimeters away from popping out of skin tight
white uniforms. You will also believe that nurses always wear white
garters, fishnet hose, and stilettos. This, of course, is a handy
dress code because movie nurses spend *a lot* of time hopping in and
out of patient's beds. The reality is that most nurses wear scrubs -
Shapeless, draping hunks of cotton that could cause you to
breeze past Pamela Anderson without a second look. Shoes are white
and chunky with blobs of things on them better left Unexplored. Socks
replace white hose and garters, and when is the last time Anyone saw
a nursing cap? Graduation, perhaps?
The Nurse as an Angel:
If you want to hear the latest gross jokes, just find a nurse. Some
uninformed males seem to think of nurses as angelic creatures:
demure and loving, a cross between a nun and their mom. Well, hate to
bust your bubble, guy, but as a group, nurses are some of the rawest
folks you'll ever run into. I don't care how sweet and demure they
may look on the outside; inside is someone who has seen things that
would gag a maggot, break your heart, or Drive a normal person nuts.
So most nurses develop a very wicked sense of humor squarely lodged
in the black-to-sick side of the scale. Also, in case you are
looking for angelic sympathy for the little boo-
boo you had in the shop, forget it! Let's say as a typical male
klutz, you manage to saw your finger off. You go running to your
nurse wife who is on the phone with a nurse friend of hers. As she
continues to talk to her friend, she gives the stub a good
eyeballing, slaps a towel on it, takes out a baggy to put the severed
digit in, and tells you to get some ice while she is explaining to
her friend that her dummy husband just sawed his finger off. As you
stand there bleeding profusely for 15 minutes she calmly finishes her
conversation as though nothing is going on until finally she
says, "Well I guess I better get him to the hospital."She hangs up
the phone, looks at you, sighs and calmly says, "Let's go." You have
just learned an important lesson. On the nurse scale of emergencies,
yours is about a minus 9! As my wife has told me, "when you are on a
ventilator, with six drips running, your head down and your feet up,
then you're sick. Anything less than that isn't worth getting excited
over!"
The Nurses Mutual Benefit Network:
As a male either dating or married to a nurse, you should realize one
important thing. There are nurses everywhere. That, in itself, is no
big deal. The fact is, every nurse knows other nurses who know more
nurses, so that by the time you are finished, a nurse on the Island
Nation of Chuuk who observes you doing something you shouldn't has
the immediate capability of getting word to your wife. This system
is way more reliable and efficient than the Internet and has existed
for a much longer time. Take it for granted that your nurse wife will
know about anything you have done, good or bad, before you get home!
Your Social Life with Nurses:
Nurses hang out with other nurses and soon you may find that all your
friends are married to nurses. The reason this happens is because in
situations where nurses mingle with nonmedical folks things can get
ugly. For example, you are out to dinner with your nurse wife,
another nurse couple, and two civilian couples. The nurses sit and
chat, discussing fun things like bleeding bowels, open sores, how
much fat was sucked out of some patient, projectile vomiting,
traumatic amputations, etc., all over a nice pasta dinner. The
nurses carry on talking as the civilian couples turn funny colors,
make faces and suppress their gag reflexes (and this is if the nurses
don't have any really gross things to share like the homeless guy
with maggots in his bleeding sores)!
After several dinners and gatherings like this, you will soon find
your circle of friends has shrunk significantly. The key to avoiding
this is to do the following: Never go out in mixed groups with more
than one nurse. A lone nurse is OK. The trouble starts when you have
more than one, and when that happens, keep the regular folks away.
Also get used to the idea that some friends and neighbors will take
advantage of the fact that your wife is a nurse by calling at all
hours of the day and night for advice. This may include male
friends "dropping by" to show your sweetie his rash. The best advice
I can give is to just deal with it and hope it isn't contagious.
Nurse: The Health Ramifications
Most nurses have been described as having the constitution of horses,
which isn't true because I've been around horses and they get sick
more often. The reason for this is pretty simple. After about 3-5
years on the job, nurses have been exposed to so many bugs that they
either end up dead or full of every antibody known to mankind. (If
you want the ultimate booster shot, just get a blood
transfusion from a nurse who's worked in a hospital for 20 years!)
You don't have all these antibodies, though, so when she does come
home with mild sniffles, a week later you're flat on your back with
the worse case of the flu of your life!! Oh, and if you are the least
bit
squeamish, don't even think about the bugs she brings home on her
clothes. It will mess with your mind as she talks about her Resistant
TB patient, the patient full of body lice, or the one with poison ivy
in his mouth! So don't ask.
Conclusion:
Ah such mysterious, wondrous creatures are nurses. You know, they
really are and I thank God every day for my nurse
Virginia
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Toon Chips For Those Who Can't Wait
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King Arthur Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
King Arthur was getting ready to go on a Quest. He was worried about
leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those horny knights of the
Round Table. So he went to Merlin for some advice. After explaining
his predicament to Merlin, the wizard looked thoughtful and said to
come back in a week and he'd see if he could come up with something.
A week later King Arthur was back in Merlin's laboratory where the
good wizard was showing him his latest invention. It was a chastity
belt... except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious
place. "This is no good, Merlin!" the king exclaimed, "Look at this
opening. How is this supposed to protect m'lady, the Queen?"
"Ah, sire, just observe." said Merlin as he searched his cluttered
workbench until he found what he was looking for. He then selected
his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He
then inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt
whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.
"Merlin, you are a genius!" said the grateful monarch, "Now I can
leave,
knowing that my Queen is fully protected." After putting Guinevere
in
the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest.
Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he
assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their
trousers for an informal "short arm" inspection. Sure enough! Each
and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way.
All of them except Sir Galahad.
"Sir Galahad ", exclaimed King Arthur, "The one and only true knight!
Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my
power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!"
Sir Galahad was speechless.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Short Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A fat man was seated on his front steps drinking a can of beer when
a
busybody spinster from down the street began to berate him for his
appearance. "What a disgusting sight," she said. "If that belly was
on
a woman, I'd swear she was pregnant." To which the man smiled and
replied, "Madam, it was and she is."
A salesman knocks at the door and a young boy answers. The little
boy
says, "Please be quiet, sir. My mother is a prostitute and works all
night. She sleeps during the day." The salesman scratches his head
and
says, "Well, I'll be a son of a bitch" The little boy replies, "I'm
a
bastard myself, but I don't go around ringing people's doorbells and
telling them about it."
Stan Kegel
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Short Chips
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Little Johnny and his dad were on an overcrowded elevator. Suddenly a
lady in the front turned around, slapped Little Johnny's dad, and
then left in a huff.
"That sure is a nasty lady," Little Johnny's dad said.
Little Johnny remarked, "I didn't like her either, Daddy.
She stepped on my toe ... so I pinched her ass."
Did you hear that Tony Orlando and Dawn are getting back
together? Yes, because U.S. Senator Larry Craig (R) of Idaho has
asked them to change their smash hit from: "Knock three times on
the ceiling if you want me, twice on the pipe if your answer is
no." To "Tap four times in the washroom for some sodomy, twice
on my pipe if you're just gonna blow."
A young woman, feeling morning dizziness and strange cravings, goes
to see a gynecologist. After a thorough examination, the Doctor tells
her: "Well, my dear, I am puzzled; the test shows that you are
pregnant, but when I examined you, I found that you are still a
virgin. I mean, your hymen is not ruptured, except for seven tiny
holes, a little more that pinpricks, actually... By the way, what did
you say your name was?" "My name is Snow White," replies the girl
One day an old farmer fell asleep in the top level in a 2 level hay
shed. When he woke up, he found his son having sex with his
girlfriend on the bottom level of the hay shed. He decided he
wouldn't disturb them, so he laid down and rested. After a while he
heard his son say, "Father, father up above. Give me strength for one
last shove." So the father, being smart, replied, "Son, son down
below. Get off and give your father a go."
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Ship Chips
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Back in 1992, as some may recall, the British luxury liner Queen
Elizabeth 2 struck a rock in Buzzards Bay off the coast of
Massachusetts. An acquaintance of mine knew some of the US Coast
Guard crew that were on duty at Castle Hill, RI, that day. According
to him this is what was said during the initial radio call. Keep in
mind that the radio operator on the QE2 was speaking with a formal
British upper crust style and the Coast Guard watch stander was
probably some 18 year old kid fresh from a farm in Iowa:
QE2: United States Coast Guard, United States Coast Guard,
this is the Queen Elizabeth 2. Over.
USCG: Queen Elizabeth 2 this is Coast Guard Station Castle Hill. Over.
QE2: United States Coast Guard this is the Queen Elizabeth
II. We appear to have run aground. Over.
USCG: You're shitting me.
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Foreplay Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
There is this man sitting at the bar when the most beautiful woman he
has ever seen walks in, and he just has to go over to her. "Let's cut
the small talk, shall we? Your place or mine?" he says.
She looks at him and replies, "Mine."
So he gets into his car and she gets into her car and they go over to
her place. When they get up to her apartment he walks in and sees all
these dicks hanging on the walls.
He jumps back and cries, "What the hell is going on here?"
She answers, "If you don't satisfy me, that's where you're going to
hang. So how do you want it?"
The man thinks for a minute and tells her to go into the bedroom, turn
out the lights and get naked. When she goes into the bedroom, he
goes back down to his car and gets this Big fuckin' watermelon out of
his
truck. He goes back up to her place and knocks on the bedroom door.
"Are you ready?" he asks.
"Yes," she replies. So he goes into the room and starts to pump her
with the watermelon. She is just screaming her lungs out, absolutely
loving
every minute of it. This goes on for an hour or so. When he finishes,
he asks her, "So how was that?"
The woman catches her breath and says, "Ahhh, nothing like a good
fingering before a fuck!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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LynnLynn's Links
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Cuke Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
CUCUMBERS ARE BETTER THAN MEN BECAUSE.....
A cucumber a day keeps the OB-GYN away.
A cucumber can always wait until you get home.
A cucumber doesn't care if you always spend
the holidays with your family.
A cucumber doesn't flush the toilet while you are
taking a shower.
A cucumber doesn't have softball practice on
the day you move.
A cucumber doesn't turn your bathroom into a library.
A cucumber doesn't use your toothbrush, roll on
deodorant, or hair spray.
A cucumber isn't allergic to your cat.
A cucumber never forgets to flush the toilet.
A cucumber never has to call "the wife".
A cucumber never snaps your bra, or pinches your butt.
A cucumber never suffers from performance anxiety.
A cucumber never wants to get it on when your nails
are wet.
A cucumber never wants to improve your mind.
A cucumber will always respect you in the morning.
A cucumber will never call and say, "I have to work late,
honey." and then come home with the smell of Channel
No. 19 on him.
A cucumber will never leave you for another cucumber.
A cucumber will never leave you for another man.
A cucumber will never leave you for another woman.
A cucumber will never make a scene because there are
other cucumbers in the refrigerator.
A cucumber won't ask "Am I the first?"
A cucumber won't ask to be put through Medical school.
A cucumber won't care what time of the month it is.
A cucumber won't come home late, stinking of beer.
A cucumber won't consume all your food or liquors.
A cucumber won't drag you to a John Wayne Film Festival.
A cucumber won't eat all the popcorn or send you
out to get Milk Duds.
A cucumber won't fall asleep on your chest or drool
on the pillow.
A cucumber won't fall asleep too soon.
A cucumber won't grab cash from your purse while
you're asleep.
A cucumber won't insist that the little cukes be raised
catholic, Jewish, or orthodox vegetarian.
A cucumber won't leave town on New Year's Eve.
A cucumber won't lie to you about having a vasectomy.
A cucumber won't make you go to the drugstore.
A cucumber won't make you sleep on the wet spot.
A cucumber won't mind hiding in the refrigerator when
your mother comes over.
A cucumber won't need to be sucked off.
A cucumber won't pout if you have a headache.
A cucumber won't run off with a cheerleader or an ex-nun.
A cucumber won't say "Let's keep trying until we have a
boy."
A cucumber won't take you to a disco and dump you
for a flashy blonde.
A cucumber won't tell you he's outgrown you intellectually.
A cucumber won't tell you size doesn't count.
A cucumber won't tell you that size doesn't matter.
A cucumber won't want to come on your face.
A cucumber won't want to join your support group.
A cucumber won't wear shorts to your office party
A cucumber won't work your crossword with ink.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Toon Chips
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Limerick Chips
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An astronomer slept in the sun,
Then woke with his fly quite undone.
He remarked, with a smile,
"Hoorah! A sundial!
And it's now a quarter past one."
Little Bo Peep, has lost her sheep,
And doesn't know where to find 'em...
But a search revealed,
They were out in the field,
With Little Boy Blue behind 'em.
Said Old Father Maury: "I'm humble,
And getting too old for a tumble,
But produce me a blonde,
And I'm still not beyond
An attempt at an interesting fumble."
<sngged by>
Ross
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Parting Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning
enthusiasm for the sport.
"These hills are getting steeper as the years go by," one
complained.
"These fairways seem to be getting longer too," said one
of the others.
"The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them
too," said the third senior.
After hearing enough from his senior buddies, the oldest,
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up and said... "Quit your bitching and just be thankful
we're still on the RIGHT SIDE of the grass!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Bonus Chip
~~~~~~~~~~~~
The assembly line ground to a halt. The supervisor had found some
white sticky stuff on some of the nuts and bolts that held the
product
together. A painful investigation revealed what the substance was
and
the problem was traced to Tom, the newly hired, eager young
handyman.
The result was told to the supervisor who found it hard to believe
that this could be the problem. He called Tom to his office and
screamed. "Tom, are you fuckin' nuts ?"
Stan Kegel
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn
Vol 1403
The Eatathon
BJ: The Eat-a-thon, never heard of it?
Rudy: Yeah, my favorite event. We order the food we want, and we eat
as much as we can and the doggie who eats the most poundage wins.
Sandi: As Rudy would say,,, A-Rooo!
Katie: Though I am small, I can put it away!
Announcer: On your mark, get set go!
Rudy: Steak here I come!
Sandi: Pizza for me!
Katie: Mexican!
Later.....
Rudy: Bring on more steaks!
Sandi: Another Pizza please!
Katie: More burritos!
Much much later...
Rudy: Could I have an alka seltzer with the next steak?
Sandi: Make that next pizza just a cheese pizza.
Katie: Hold the beans on the burrito.
A tad later....
Rudy: Groan......mercy.
Sandi: Just a small pizza.
Katie: Check please.
Announcer: The winner is ... Sandi
Sandi: Waiter, can I look at the desert menu?
The end
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Remember 9/11/01
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Compilation and narrative copyright 2002 by william Brabant
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