Adult Adult
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
Everything seems to be fine with the toilet which I appreciate
because of all the things I have ever worked on they have
caused me the greatest amount of problems per moving part.
Even though they sit in your bathroom and never flinch when
big people sit on them or slam their lids they are remarkably
fragile for their construction. I am sure that somewhere in
the afterlife there is a row of toilets waiting for me to give me the
payback for sending them to their grave.
For example the one I killed just replacing a toilet seat. The big
problem with the old steel bolts and brass nuts that were used on
toilet seats is with the moisture they were exposed to in a year
or so they became corroded and no amount of WD-40 would
break them loose and the bolts were part of the hinge embedded
in the plastic. I came up with a method that worked remarkably well
that involved drilling a small hole down into the bolt and then using
progressively larger drills till the bolt was so thin you could just
snap
it off.
This girlfriend had gotten a fancy padded seat for a few bucks at
a yard sale and wanted it installed so I tried my method. The first
bolt snapped right off but the second one was a little tougher. I
gave it more pressure than I should have and the whole toilet cracked
in half. When you are standing there in a puddle with a 300 dollar
low silhouette toilet in pieces in front of you, Oops seems so
inadequate and there was children around so I couldn't use sailor's
terms to express my dismay. I couldn't afford to replace the toilet
and we couldn't come up with a believable story to tell her landlord
so we put it back together using 2 part epoxy and clear silicone
sealer.
I never was tasked to do anymore plumbing for her or much of
anything else.
Another case in point is the industrial duty toilets installed in
institutes
of higher learning. These were made by Kohler and could take a
nuclear attack without breaking. Three were leaking at the base in
the bathroom. It was because of worn bowl gaskets but more because
the sewer underneath was clogged because some idiot had flushed a
towel down one and the water was because it backed up. I shook the
toilet and it moved a little bit so I tightened the base bolts on all
three
of them. Obviously it was too tight because two of the bases cracked
later. I learned then to check for clogs and if necessary replace the
gasket.
Ok enough potty stories for tonight. enjoy the chips.
buffalo
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Bonanza Chips
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Hop Sing was a cook on the Ponderosa Ranch. All the cowboys loved to
poke fun at him because, being Chinese, he had a pigtail and wore a
funny hat. He also couldn't speak English very well.
The cowboys used to put live snakes and frogs in his bed and pulled
on his pigtail, just to tease him. Hop Sing, however, never
complained and kept on working. He was a good sport.
One day, the cowboys got together and said, "This Hop Sing is really
a nice guy, we shouldn't be so mean to him." They decided to
apologize to him for the many years of abuse.
They went to Hop Sing as a group and said, "Hop Sing, we are very
sorry for being so mean to you throughout the years. You are really a
nice guy.
From now on, we are going to be nice to you. There will be no more
pigtail-pullin' and there will be no more snakes in your bed."
"Good, good," said Hop Sing, overjoyed. "No more snake in the bed,
then no more piss in the soup!"
Gilbert
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Toon Chips For Those Who Can't Wait
Grandpa
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Graffiti
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Gore
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Time Out!
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Not Right
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Spidie Sense
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sailor Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dave the sailor docked at New York after a frustrating three-month
voyage.
Unfortunately he'd lost most of his pay playing poker on board ship,
so when he eventually found a lady of the night all he could offer
her was 50 cents and a pair of sneakers.
She refused with disdain.
He wandered around in search of a more accommodating girl, but was
refused time and time again.
Eventually he found a more sympathetic lady who told him that
although she could not possibly accept his offer herself, he could
always try Mabel down the road. But she warned him not to expect too
much as Mabel was very unresponsive and would probably just lie there
passively.
He found Mabel and as times were hard she reluctantly agreed to
accept the 50 cents and the pair of sneakers for her services, but
told him not to expect any kind of response from her.
Dave began the amorous act and after a few minutes was pleased to
find an arm reaching around his back. This was followed shortly after
by a leg curling round his rear. Dave , who had always fancied
himself a bit of a Romeo, gasped, "I knew you wouldn't be able to
resist my charms."
"Don't flatter yourself lover boy," answered Mabel, "I'm just trying
on the sneakers."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Wine Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man goes to the famous Lucas Carton restaurant in Paris with his
girlfriend and orders the 1928 Mouton.
The waiter returns with a bottle full of wine, pours a small amount
in
the glass for tasting.
The customer picks up the glass, smells the wine, and puts it down
on
the table with a thud. "This is not the 1928 Mouton."
The waiter assures him it is, and soon there are another twenty
people
surrounding the table, including the chef and the manager trying to
convince the man that the wine is the 1928 Mouton. Finally someone
asks him how he knows that it is not the 1928 Mouton.
"My name is Phillipe de Rothschild, and I make the wine."
Finally, the original waiter steps forward and admits that he poured
the Clerc Milon 1928. "I could not bear to part with our last bottle
of 1928 Mouton. You know Clerc Milon, it is in the same village as
Mouton, you pick the grapes at the same time, the same cepage, you
crush in the same way, you put them into similar barrels. You bottle
at the same time, you even use eggs from the same chickens to fine
them. The wines are the same, except for a small matter of
geographic
location."
Rothschild beckons the waiter forward, and whispers to him, "When
you
return home tonight, ask your girlfriend to remove her underwear.
Put
one finger in one opening, another finger in the other, then smell
both the fingers. You will understand what difference a small
distance
in geographic location makes."
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Short Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Laura came home from Nursery School one day and announced that Kevin
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about this big."
A trainee for the New York Police Department, was asked the following
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strange man had suddenly grabbed her, and hugged and kissed her, what
would you do?"
The police-officer-in-training replied without hesitation, "I
would endeavor to reconstruct the crime."
---------------------------------
A man was driving recklessly down the interstate one day and his
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I'm sorry for driving so recklessly; I should be more careful when I
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The girlfriend looked at him and said, "Oh, that's so sweet,
baby!"
Then the guy quickly corrected her, "No, no! I mean the golf
clubs
in the back!"
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Bear Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Once upon a time there was a frog who lived in a lake all by himself.
He
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The first thing he saw was a bear chasing a rabbit and so he called
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have
to use them now.
The bear (being greedy) went first. "I would like for every bear in
this
forest to be female except for me."
A magical sound and it was done.
Then the rabbit. "I would like a helmet."
This confused both the frog and the bear, but after a magical sound
there
was a helmet.
It was the bear's turn again. "I would like for every bear in the
neighboring forest to be female."
A magical sound and it was done.
The rabbit went again. "I would like a motorcycle."
Both the frog and the bear wondered why the rabbit didn't just ask
for a
lot of money with which he could buy himself a motorcycle, but after a
magical sound there was a motorcycle.
The bear took his last wish. "I would like for all the bears in the
world
to be female except for me."
A magical sound and it was done.
The rabbit then put on his helmet, started up the motorcycle, said "I
wish the bear was gay." and took off.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Lone Ranger Chips
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The Lone Ranger is about to be hung by rustlers who caught him spying
on their camp.
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As the bandits are putting the noose around the Lone Ranger's neck,
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The Lone Ranger finally sees that Tonto is riding with two beautiful
naked women. On is blond, and the other one brunette.
The riders burst into the robbers' camp, and Tonto rides up to the
Lone Ranger, saying, "Kemosabe, I have returned with the people you
asked me to get."
"Tonto, you idiot," says the Lone Ranger, "I told you to go get
posse!"
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Movies
How to get rid of a one night stand
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How to carry plywood
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Drunk trust
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How to drive a hummer in Iraq
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Washcloth Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was a little boy whose mother was about to have a baby. One
day the little boy walked in and saw his mother naked, he asked
his mother what was the hair in between her legs?
She responded, "It's my washcloth".
Weeks later after the mother had the baby, the young boy walked
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"What happened to your washcloth?"
The mother responded, "I lost it".
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to his mother yelling and screaming,
"I found your washcloth!"
The mother thinking that the child was just playing went along
with the boy and asked,
"Where did you find it?"
The boy answered, "The maid has it and she's washing daddy's face
with it."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Toon Chips
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Animal Fun
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Handi
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Soccer Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It's just before England v France at the Millennium Stadium, an
important European Championship qualifier game. David Beckham
goes into the English changing room to find all his team mates
looking a bit glum.
"What's up?" he asks.
"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We
know it's important but it's only France. They're sh*t and we
can't be bothered"
Beckham looks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat these
guys by myself, you lads go down the pub."
So David Beckham goes out to play France by himself and the rest
of the England team go off for a few jars.
After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get
the landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the
screen reads "England 1 - France 0 (D. Beckham 10 minutes)" He is
beating France all by himself!
Anyway, a few more pints later and the game is forgotten until
someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got
on."
They put the teletext on.
"Result from the Millennium Stadium :
England 1 (Beckham 10 minutes) - France 1 (Zidane 89 minutes).
They can't believe it, he has single handedly got a draw against
France!! They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate him.
They find him in the dressing room, still in his kit, sat with
his head in his hands. He refuses to look at them.
"I've let you down, I've let you down"
"Don't be daft, you got a draw against France, all by yourself.
And they only scored at the very very end!"
"No, No, I have, I've let you down. I got sent off after 12
minutes!!!!!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Parting Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A respectable lady went into the pharmacy and walked right up to the
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The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The
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CAN NOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her
husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife!
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now. That's
different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
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Bonus Chip
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Sliding a small bag across the desk, he continues 'Take this gun, go
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rabbit.'
The man says 'Why the rabbit?'
'Fantastic attitude!' says the inspector. 'When can you start?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn
Vol 1407
The Cafe
BJ and the Buffalo were having lunch at a cafe and discussing the
dogs when George and Martha entered and sat at the booth behind
them. George and Martha could overhear the discussion but were not
aware of what BJ and the Buffalo were talking about....
Buff: You look especially tired today BJ.
BJ: It the girls, they will not leave me alone at night.
Buff: Explain.
BJ: It is like clockwork. At 2:30 in the morning, Katie wants to be
loved.
Buff: Katie is the red-haired one right?
BJ: Yes, she is spoiled rotten. Well that gets Sandi all jealous.
Buff: Where is Sandi?
BJ: She sleeps on my left, Katie sleeps on my right.
Walter spits out his coffee...
Walter whispering..: Martha did you hear that, he has two girls in
bed with
him?
Martha: Pervert!
Buff: Why don't you just ignore them?
BJ holding out his arm: Look at my arm, the bruises and scratches.
If I
ignore them, they attack me with their teeth and claws. I have to
pet them
and love them for a while then they will go back to sleep, but it
makes
me tired.
Buff: How often does this happen?
BJ: Every night, seven days a week.
Walter: That lucky guy!
Martha jabs Walter in the side: You just shut up.
Buff: How does your wife sleep during all this?
Martha spits out her coffee...
BJ: Oh she sleeps upstairs. She doesn't want to be disturbed by all
the
going ons.
Walter: See there are women that don't mind!
Martha slugs Walter in the head with her purse.
Buff: I would think Diana would be a bit upset or jealous with the
attention.
BJ: Nah, she is the one that brought Katie into the house. She
helped me
find Sandi. Diana is quite unusual and quite open-minded. She just
wants
me to be happy. But I am quite tired. At least on weekends I do get
a lot
of sleep.
Buff: I bet you need it to. Those girls are quite the dogs.
BJ: Yes they are.
Walter: I don't care if they are pigs, Martha we have to talk.
Martha: Talk about this...Slug! Ka-pow!
Buff: Gee look at that couple behind us. They are acting crazy!
The herd in Guthrie
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Adult Adult Adult
Remember 9/11/01
Regarding any problems unsubscribing this mailing list
In accordance with the 2004 Can-Spam act you can contact me at:
William Brabant
711 Pine Street Apt.1
Sault Ste Marie Michigan 49783
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Compilation and narrative copyright 2002 by william Brabant
