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THE POSTMAN'S CORNER!
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Comments from the readers:
Joyce says
Dear Martin,
I really like the new "cool stuff" feature, and I continue to appreciate the time
and effort that it must take to keep up what's undoubtedly the funniest
e-zine on the Internet. Thanks again. We continue to keep you, the "war department",
your mother-in-law and your family in our thoughts and prayers
Mikeswife616 says,
Dear Martin
i love your daily selection of jokes. i find myself forwarding them
before i even read them. my closest friend looks for them faithfully.
she reads them at work.(smile) you've done a great job in bringing
laughter to our not-so-funny lives. i hope you continue to do this for
a very long time. you have a very special gift
THE POSTMAN SAYS:
Thanks to both of you for your compliments!
____________
Anyone following this little sex scandal thing with Senator Craig?
he is the senator charged by an undercover officer in Idaho.
Got busted for soliciting a little hanky panky
in the bathroom. Craig thought a quick guilty plea would
cover it up and that would be it. Well, now he doesn't want to resign,
and he wants to withdraw the guilty plea
too. With all these recent sex scandals that we have had of late,
I think of a couple things. First, I really don't care what you political
leaders do on your off time. Where you want to put your peckers is your business.
But it seems to me, if you all worried a little less about "getting a piece"
and you all worried a little less about crucifying
your fellow colleagues who are unfortunate enough to get caught
in the process, and instead, directed it toward
more meaningful issues like the war, and the economy, just maybe we might
see some reasonable solutions to some problems that really matter.
Gee, how novel, a congress that actually solves problems.
The other thing I think about lately with all these politicians and what not.
They know that little campaign speech "I won't raise taxes." doesn't work any more
Americans are wising up. I figure in the next decade, the newest political campaign
slogan will go something like this.
"If elected I will spend 6 weeks in rehab and give up drinking."
We do hope you enjoy today's issue!
Cordially
Martin aka the postman
THE COMICS
on the subject of lepers
http://www.thepostm
in the emergency room
http://www.thepostm
you forgot again
http://www.thepostm
its every time for Harvey
http://www.thepostm
would you believe
http://www.thepostm
don't worry
http://www.thepostm
one regret
http://www.thepostm
a tough problem
http://www.thepostm
what happens in Vegas
http://www.thepostm
__________
LET'S GO TO THE MOVIES
outhouse prank
http://www.thepostm
funny kitties
http://www.thepostm
bad idea
http://www.thepostm
the quarter toss
http://www.thepostm
the microwave man
http://www.thepostm
COOL STUFF
An astonishing quiz
http://www.thepostm
Recalls
http://www.thepostm
The Chimes of time
http://www.thepostm
The sheep game
http://www.thepostm
Come Closer
http://www.thepostm
THE JOKES
This guy is really into blow up dolls and rings his mail order supplier
and says he wants something absolutely realistic.
The supplier says, "I have just the thing, 'Life-like Tina', So
realistic you can't tell the difference!"
The guy orders one. Meanwhile the supplier is looking at the box and
cannot believe how realistic 'Life-like Tina' looks, so he decides to
blow it up. Once inflated he gets really turned on and thinks, "What the
hell!" and has sex with the doll.
Washing it afterwards, he neatly packages it and sends it out to the guy.
A month later the guy calls up, "You know that 'Life-like Tina' blow up
doll you sent me? I cannot tell you how happy I am."
Supplier, "That's great!"
Guy, "Yeah, it's a totally believable experience." Supplier, "Realistic then?"
Guy, "So realistic... I got syphilis."
____________
This is an actual letter sent to American company Proctor and Gamble
regarding their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph...
Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your "Always" maxi pads for over 20 years and I
appreciate many of their features. Why, without the Leak Guard Core or Dri-Weave
absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and
I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts.
But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on
being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be
aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure
I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from "the curse"?
I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is starting right now.
As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body.
Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into
what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills."
Isn't the human body amazing?
As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite
a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits
from "Aunt Flo". Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and
cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control
behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week,
my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a
George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought
Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!
The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is
just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants...
Which brings me to the reason for my letter.
Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach
inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there,
printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy Period."
Are you fu*ing kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager
brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness is possible during a
menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James?
FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything
"happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and
lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's
armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.
For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a moronic
message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually
pertinent, like "Put down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong", or are you just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately,
there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad
business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one
minute miss your brand of condescending bull sh*t. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.
Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin, TX
____________
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Recommended by Martin aka the postman!
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poems, books, reviews and hints and tips on travel worldwide.
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Your Net News
a weekly ezine providing the latest news from the Internet on publishing matters.
It offers a host of articles, tips and advice as well as numerous other resources both paid and free.
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___________
A Friend Is Like A Good Bra...
Hard to Find
Supportive
Comfortable
Always Lifts You Up
Never Lets You Down or Leaves You Hanging
And Is Always Close To Your Heart!!!
____________
A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with
two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she
says, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today.."
The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a
drink. In fact, this one is on me."
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, "I
would like to buy you a drink, too."
The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with
two drops of water."
Coming up," says the bartender.
As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, "I would like
to buy you one, too."
The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch
with two drops of water."
"Coming right up," the bartender says.
As he gives her the drink, he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity.
Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"
The old woman replies, "Sonny, when you're my age, you've
learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is
a whole other issue."
____________
My friend Felix is still out there job hunting.
He says he always has a problem when filling out the job application and
gets to the part about 'Sex: F or M.'
He says he never knows which to choose --
He says he really likes to Fuck,
but he spends most of the time alone Masterbating.
____________
BUFFALO'S MOVIES
The Last Laugh
http://www.buffalos
The Love Toilet
http://www.buffalos
Weather Roach
http://www.buffalos
THAT'S ALL FOLKS!
Have a nice day!
FROM:
Martin aka the postman!
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