Adult Adult
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
I was watching Fox news this weekend and they had a skinny woman
arguing that the federal government and car manufacturers were right
in not increasing the size of cars to match a public that is growing
larger every year. The person said these rules should remain in place
to promote weight loss among Americans. The new standards which
have come out so that car companies would have something new to
blame accidents caused by brake and tire failure on state that
passenger
weight is computed at 150 pounds per person. Living in the North
where people excel in both quantity and quality if you find four
people
in a car that weigh under 600 lbs. total either none of them are old
enough
to have a driver's license or they are headed for their weekly
Anorexics
Anonymous meeting.
What a great ploy by the car companies. Can't get the EPA estimated
mileage from your car ? It isn't because the company fudged the
figures
on the tests, it's because you consumed too much fudge. Then there is
the accessory market that will make a mint too. You want 24 in. tires
and spinner rims for your Cadillac SUV? They are going to suggest for
your personal safety that if you want to haul your butt around town,
you would be better off with 8 lug dualies with a 12 ply rating and
Peterbilt rims don't come with spinners.
I admit I knew I had a problem when my stomach caused steering wheel
interference in my Jimmy. It wasn't critical though because I could
still
steer when the seat was all the way back and I couldn't drive fast
because
my foot would barely reach the gas pedal but then I am much heavier
than
the average male at 190. It really became clear when I went to the
Chevy
dealer and asked them what it would take to put me in a new Blazer.
The
salesman replied, " A gallon of vegetable oil, two crowbars, and a
1500
lb. Warn winch." No wonder his sales are down for the month, the
skinny
woman on Fox probably already has one.
Enjoy the chips and be careful out there, it's Monday.
Replies To Best Hot Dogs and all other mail is in the scuttlebutt
which
you can read at http://groups.
Scuttlebutt/
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Silver Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
One day, the Lone Ranger while riding through Indian territory on his
faithful horse Silver and was ambushed and captured by a large enemy
Indian war party. He was brought before the tribal Chief.
The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In
honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days.
Before I kill you, I grant you three requests. Tell me now Lone
Ranger, what is your first request?"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."
The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger who
whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that
evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.
As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent
and spends the night. The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's
impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse Lone Ranger, but I
will still kill you in two days."
"What is your second request?" The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to
his horse.
Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.
As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon.
Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns,
this time with a voluptuous brunette, even more attractive than the
blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are
indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow.
What is your last request?" The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to
speak to my horse,....alone.
The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the
Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver
by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen very
carefully, for....the..
Randy
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Toon Chips For Those Who Can't Wait
Bringing the Magtag
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Tax Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bizarre Tax Write-Offs
A client approached Manhattan CPA Marc Albaum about a
very personal tax matter. "He had made some money
being a sperm donor and wanted to know if he could
take a depletion allowance," Albaum recalls. "I told
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A client insisted on deducting the cost of his
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teacher at school, and the only reason he bought the
TV and had the cable was for the Spanish channels so
he could be able to teach his students better," Frank
Howard, CPA and principal of Howard and Waltrip in Dallas, says.
Back when the Society of Louisiana CPAs manned a tax
hot line, few inquiries stumped them. But Al Suffrin,
SLCPA's communications and public relations director,
recalls one that did: "We took a call from an ostrich
farmer in St. Tammany Parish who called in to find out
how to go about depreciating an ostrich," he says.
Strange as it sounds, you can depreciate an ostrich or
any other livestock, as long as it's used for breeding.
"I had a guy come in one time wanting to know if he
could deduct the cost of his dog food. His reasoning
was that his dog was security for his house, therefore
the dog food became a security expense," Howard says.
A rookie tax accountant completed a return for one of
the firm's old and trusted clients and turned it in to
his boss, says Mary Anne Petesch, a CPA with Hagen
Kurth Perman and Co. of Seattle. There followed
several loud whoops of laughter from the partner's
office. It seems the client had accidentally lost his
dentures when they fell in the toilet and had claimed
them on his taxes as an act-of-God casualty loss.
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Holy Water Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Little Maury went to confession, at the beginning of Lent.... "Bless
me Father for I have sinned. It has been 3 months since my last
confession. In that time I have disobeyed my parents nine times,
missed Sunday Mass once, had impure thoughts, oh, about nine hundred
times, and played with a girl's private parts."
"Played with a girl's private parts!" exclaimed the priest. "Whoa,
that's pretty serious. For your penance say three rosaries and wash
your hands in holy water."
So little Maury knelt down and fudged his way through the laborious
incantations of the three rosaries, then he made the trek up to the
holy water font and started to wash his dirty little fingers, when
the girl who was behind him in the confessional line walks up and
says, "Move over, pal. I gotta gargle...."
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Short Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A middle-aged guy and his date are making out hot and heavy in the
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his
hand goes between her legs, up under her skirt, and lands on her
muff. She says, "That's it! That's it!" He says, "It can't be. I
part
mine on the side!"
There was a homosexual in the San Francisco area. After graduating
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Immediately, he was approved due to his outstanding grades in high
school He was called into the Dean's office for an interview. The
man's effeminate traits revealed his homosexuality -- to the
distress
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like to say, "Yes... the Tooth Fairy graduated here?"
A woman goes to see her Podiatrist. She says, "Doc, I just got back
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this sensation between all of her toes. She replied, "Actually no,
just between my 2 big toes!"
Stan Kegel
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Drunk Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A drunk that regularly annoyed the bartender at the local bar, was
prohibited
from entering the bar because he could never pay for any of his drinks
and
he always had a wise crack for the very annoyed bartender. Well, one
Friday
evening the drunk again tried his luck to enter the bar and score some
free
drinks but he was immediately thrown out by his old enemy the
bartender.
Sitting outside and trying to figure out how to get some free drinks,
the drunk
heard two other guys, whom was also in a state as it was pay-day,
argue
about
the existence of Jesus Christ.
He saw this as his opportunity to score some free drinks and he jumped
out
from his hiding place behind the dumpster and announced in a loud
sluggish voice..
"I'm Jesusshh Chrisshst and here I am....!!!". Obviously the two guys
was startled
(as they were also really drunk by this time) but this was a solution
to
their argument
and they proceeded to question the drunk...
"How can you be Jesusssh Chisshhsst when he does not exist..Prove
it..!!!"
To which the drunk replied.."If I could produssce one witnesshh, will
you guys buy
me a litre of whissshkey..
"Of courssshe, if you can get one more witnessh..
then we'll know for sure that you're Jesusssh Chrisshst..!
So the drunk said.."Follow me..!!"..and they proceeded into the bar
where the
drunk was thrown out of earlier and banned for life. As soon as the
bartender saw him,
he shouted very loudly.."Jesus Christ..!!!! Are you back here
again..!!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Short Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A newly married couple was walking along in their village along a
winding country road. The husband had been trying to figure out a way
to approach his new wife for sex, since they hadn't yet consummated
their vows and the sexual tension was beginning to be more than he
could handle. As they walked, they came across a cow and a bull
engaged in the act of reproduction. The husband leaned over to his
new bride and whispered in her ear; "Darling, would you like me to do
what the bull is doing?"
"Do what you want," she says, "but take care, since that is not our
cow.
There was a man who really took care of his body. He lifted weights
and jogged six miles a day. One day, he looked in the mirror and
noticed he was tan all over except his "thingie." So he decided to
do
something about it. He went to the beach, completely undressed and
buried himself in the sand, except for his thingie; which he left
sticking out. Two old ladies were walking on the beach, one using a
cane. Upon seeing the "thingie" sticking up in the sand, she began
to
move it around with her cane, remarking to the other lady, "There is
no justice in the world." The other lady asked what she meant. She
said:
"When I was 20, I was curious about it.
When I was 30, I enjoyed it.
When I was 40, I asked for it.
When I was 50, I paid for it.
When I was 60, I prayed for it.
When I was 70, I forgot about it.
Now that I'm 80, the damn things are growing wild on the beach, and
I'm too old to squat!
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Drive Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
I had run across the term cyber sex a few times lately, so I
decided to try to figure out what it meant. I figured it had something
to do with the computer, so I started trying to find the sex drive on
mine. I looked everywhere, in all the folders on the My Computer
section, the add/uninstall software, install hardware part of the
control panel then I got out all the manuals and went through them. I
finally came to the conclusion that my computer is not equipped with
one. So I decided to go to the computer store and see if I could buy
one. I wanted to look intelligent and scholarly, so I wore my math
hat.
Well, the salesperson in the first store was a rather stern looking
woman. I gave her the make and model of my computer and asked her if
she
had any sex drives in stock. She kinda scowled at me and asked me if I
was trying to get smart with her, figuring she had been impressed with
my math hat, I replied that I tried to be smart with everyone. She
said,
rather rudely I thought, that she couldn't help me and walked away.
HUH,
must not have had any in stock. In the second store, I gave the
salesperson the make and model of my computer and asked if they had
any
sex drives in stock. He kind of snickered and asked if I meant a hard
drive. I thought about it for a minute and told him yeah, maybe that,
but I think I should already have one installed. He started laughing
at
me said something about me trying to kill him. "You're killing me!"
Something like that and walked away. Hmmmm, must be out here too. Must
be hard to keep in stock I wasn't trying to kill him I wasn't even
hurting him. The guy in the third store laughed and asked me if I'd
just
fallen off the turnip truck. I assured him I'd never been on a turnip
truck, but I'd fallen off the manure wagon a few times. He mumbled
something about that explaining it. "She's fallen off the wagon, that
explains it," like that and walked away laughing. The guy in the
fourth
store said something like, "boob" under his breath and walked away.
Wonder why he only noticed one? Anyway I figured they must not carry
them in stores maybe have to order from a catalog or something. So
that's where I am now. If any of you have some computer skills and
could
help me locate my sex drive, I would appreciate it then all I'd have
to
do is figure out what to do with it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Toon Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Out Of This World
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Limerick Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
In the kitchen he wanted to boff her.
Satisfaction he tried to proffer.
She replied, "I am sold,
But the floor is too cold."
So he made her a counter-offer.
____________
I once had a ladyfriend, Rose,
Double-jointed she was I suppose.
And I watched fascinated,
As Rose masturbated;
Herself with the tip of her nose.
____________
There's a fire at a circus. A man
Sees the flames and devises a plan.
The heat is in tents,
The pressure immense.
He is doing asbestos he can.
(Kirk Miller)
Ross
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Parting Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where
the activities for her
100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well,
but she would write notes
when she needed to communicate.
After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started to lean off to
the right, so an orderly
grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right
side. A short time later, she
started leaning off to her left,so again the orderly straightened her
and stuffed pillows on her left
side. Soon she started leaning forward, so the orderly again grabbed
her,and then tied a pillow
case around her waist to hold her up.
A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, Hi, Grandma,
you're looking good!
"How are they treating you?"
Grandma took out her little notebook and slowly wrote a note to her
nephew....
"Bastards won't let me fart,"
Calif Jack
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bonus Chip
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon a young boy
carrying a wild turkey under his arm. He stopped and asked the boy,
"Where did you get that turkey?"
The boy replied, "What turkey?"
The game warden said, "That turkey you're carrying under your arm."
The boy look down and said, "Well, lookee here, a turkey done roosted
under my arm!"
The game warden said, "Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so
what ever you do to that turkey, I'm going to do to you. If you break
his leg, I'm gonna break your leg. If you break his wing, I'll break
your arm. Whatever you do to him, I'll do to you. So, what are you
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Cooks Central - Free Holiday Recipes
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn
Vol 1088
Tammy and the Garage Sale
Tammy: Oh boy BJ and Diana are having a garage sale. I have got to
hurry.
(note tammy is the lady who makes homemade dog biscuits for the
dogs, not the tami who lives next door)
Tammy puts the dogs out in the backyard, trips over a dog bone, heads
into her house, trips over another dog bone. Heads to the garage
starts her cars, backs out of the driveway and heads to Guthrie.
She arrives at BJ and Diana's house...
Sandi: Hello Tammy want to buy a dead mole?
Rudy: How about some bones, a skull maybe?
Ginger: How about a bag of poo? I have some real fresh?
Tammy: Gee, I think I will just look around.
Katie: I have a new banjo CD and if you buy two I will give
you absolutely free and autographed 8X10 picture of me free.
How's that Miss Tammy?
Tammy: How much?
Katie: Normally these CD's sell in Best BUY for 12.99 each but
today and today only I am selling these babies for 9.99 or two for
17.99. CD number one is the Best hits of Katie's Banjo Hits of The
New Age and CD number two is the Best hits of the 2000 era.
Tammy: I will take the package.
Katie: I will wrap it up. Say for just 6.99 more I will throw in
this
handy dandy motovational book Katie, Her Life and Times.
Tammy: Well, Okay.
Katie: Cash, Credit Card or Check?
Tammy: Credit Card.
Katie: Just a moment while it runs through the phone line.
Hmm de dumm dumm. There all verified. Just sign here.
here, and here. Initial here, and here and here.
Tammy: Thank you Katie.
Diana: BJ, too bad we can't afford to operate like that.
The herd in Guthrie
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Adult Adult Adult
Remember 9/11/01
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