Clean Clean
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
Several years ago Sandy planted a lone blackberry bush in the front
beside the porch. This year it sprouted it's first fruit, about a
dozen
berries, sweet, and seedless as big around as my thumb and about
an inch and a half long. I wish we had the whole front planted in
them instead of those tiger lilies that only bloom for a couple of
weeks a year. Guess I'll have to do some studying on how to
propagate blackberries as I am sure they don't grow them from
seeds.
A summer cold is making me tired and messing up my sleep
which in turn leads to the late postings that you are seeing.
I guess if I utilized the time I am up at night better than watching
videos with Eva at 5 in the morning I could get more work done
too.
We are back up into the 80's again today and the humidity is low.
I am looking forward to rain this week and hopefully the lifting of
the burning ban. I am sitting on a dozen or so large bags of paper
and mail that lacking a shredder I prefer to burn rather than send
to the dump although I truly wonder why anyone would want to
steal my identity.
I have been driving Buffy's Sunbird a bit since we got it repaired
and actually I am surprised by how well it handles and its ability
to keep up with freeway speeds while still giving great gas mileage.
When she went to Mackinac Island last weekend she took my
Jimmy with her and I had plans of running a few errands and visiting
friends with the Sunbird. I looked for the keys though and found
out she had both sets with her, grounding me for the weekend.
She heard about that when she got home heh heh.
Enjoy the chips... buffalo
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Business Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
How's Business?
Here are some likely responses by various tradesmen.
Said the sailor, "Knot bad."
Said the coffee salesman, "It's a grind."
Said the drummer, "It's hard to beat."
Said the astronomer, "Things are looking up."
Said the dressmaker, "Just sew-sew."
Said the street cleaner, "Things are picking up."
Said the pianist, "Right on key."
Said the botanist, "Everything'
Said the floor polisher, "Going smoothly."
Said the deep-sea diver, "I'm about to go under."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Tip Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
"People have debated the age-old dilemma of how much to tip the
delivery
pizza driver. You're supposed to tip the pizza delivery driver like
you
tip the waiter. A typical tip for a waiter in a restaurant is 15%, or
just double the tax. It is advised that you tip the delivery pizza
waiter a minimum of $2. If the person does an excellent job, 20% is
appropriate. If the service is poor, 10% is a reasonable tip. There
are
some considerations when calculating a tip. During inclement weather,
a
larger tip is appropriate. If your home is located more than 3 miles
from the pizza place, it's considerate to tip $1 more. If it's more
than
5 miles, add another $1. Finally, keep in mind, 'Pizza delivery is a
hazardous job by the US government. They are third most likely to be
murdered on the job, right after police officer and taxi driver.'"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Woman Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Words Women Use
FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when
they feel they are right and you need to shut up.
Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks --
this will cause you to have one of those
arguments.
FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five
minutes that your football game is going to last
before you take out the trash, so it's an even
trade.
NOTHING
This means "something," and you should be on your
toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the
feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside
out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually
signifies an argument that will last "Five
Minutes" and end with "Fine."
GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman
getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the
word "Fine."
GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want
because I don't care". You will get a "Raised
Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed
by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you
in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.
GO AHEAD (With Lowered Eyebrows)
At some point in the near future, you are going to
be in some mighty big trouble.
LOUD SIGH!
This is not actually a word, but is a nonverbal
statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud
Sigh!" means she wonders why she is wasting her
time standing here and arguing with you over
"Nothing."
SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a nonverbal statement.
"Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best
bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay
content.
THAT'S OKAY!
This is one of the most dangerous statements that
a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means
that she wants to think long and hard before
paying you back for whatever it is that you have
done. "That's Okay!" is often used with the word
"Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow."
PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman
is giving you the chance to come up with whatever
excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is
that you have done. You have a fair chance with
the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a
"That's Okay!."
THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say
you're welcome.
THANKS A LOT!
This goes much deeper than "Thanks." A woman will
say, "Thanks A Lot!" when she is really ticked off
at you. It signifies that you have offended her in
some callous way, and will be followed by the
"Loud Sigh!" Be careful not to ask what is wrong
after the "Loud Sigh!," as she will only tell you
"Nothing."
Send this to the men you know to warn them about
future arguments they can avoid if they remember
the terminology. Then send it to your women
friends to give them a good laugh.
We are told to forward this to other men to warn them. Any man who has
been married over a year, maybe two already has learned how and when
to
bite his tongue, or is a glutton for punishment.
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Elephant Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: Where do you find elephants?
A: It depends on where you lost them.
Q: Why do elephants wear blue tennis shoes?
A: Because the white ones get dirty too fast.
Q: Why do elephants live in herds?
A: To get a wholesale reduction on the blue tennis shoes.
Q: Why do elephants float on their backs?
A: So they don't get their tennis shoes wet.
Q: What goes clomp,clomp,
A: An elephant with a wet tennis shoe!
Q: How many elephants can you fit in a taxi?
A: Four. (One next to the driver and 3 in back)
Q: How many giraffes can you fit in a taxi?
A: None, it's full of elephants.
Q: How do you know when an elephant is visiting your house?
A: There's a taxi outside with three elephants in it.
Q: How do you put an elephant into refrigerator?
A: Open door, put elephant in, close door.
Q: How do you put a giraffe into refrigerator?
A: Open door, get elephant out, put giraffe in, close door.
Q: Why are there so many elephants running around free in the
jungle?
A: Fridge is not large enough to hold them all.
Q: How do elephants get up into oak trees?
A: They sit on an acorn and wait.
Q: How do elephants get down from oak trees?
A: They sit on a leaf and wait for autumn.
Q: Why are crocodiles long, thin, and flat?
A: They walk under trees in Autumn.
Q: Why do elephants have flat feet?
A: From jumping out of oak trees - they're impatient!
Q: Why do elephants wear blue tennis shoes?
A: To soften their landing when they jump out of oak trees.
Q: Why did the elephant fall out of the tree?
A: Because it was dead.
Q: Why did the second elephant fall out of the tree?
A: It was glued to the first one.
Q: Why did the third elephant fall out of the tree?
A: It thought it was a game.
Q: And why did the tree fall down?
A: It thought it was an elephant.
Q: Why shouldn't you go into the woods at 5 o'clock?
A: Because that is when the elephants do their parachute jumping.
Q: What is a furry alligator?
A: A bear that went into the woods at 5 o'clock.
Q: Why do elephants have cracks between their toes?
A: For carrying their library cards.
Q: Why do elephants have cracks between their toes?
A: To give the ants/natives a 50/50 chance.
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War Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two Jews were sitting in a Tel Aviv cafe in the precarious days after
Israel first had won its independence, and one said to the other, "I
only see one way out."
"What's that?"
"Israel must declare war on the United States."
"What are you talking about? How could that possibly help us?"
"Well, we'd lose at once and the Americans would send an occupying
force. They would form an alliance with a new pro-American government,
guarantee our boundaries, flood us with American capital, establish
our
industries, and make us prosperous."
"Hmmmm! I see your point, but it won't work."
"Why not?"
"Because with Jewish luck, we'd win the war and spoil everything."
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Farm Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's loaded on a farmer's computer.
Their No. 1 product would be "Microsoft Winders".
Instead of an hourglass icon you'd get an empty beer bottle.
Occasionally, you'd bring up a window that was covered with a Hefty
bag
and some duct tape. Instead of "Yes", "No", or "Cancel", dialog boxes
would give you the choice of "Aww-right", Naw", or "Git". Instead of
"Ta-Da!", the opening sound would be "Dueling Banjos". The "Recycle
Bin"
in Winders95 would be an outhouse. Whenever you pulled up the Sound
Player, you'd hear "Freebird!" Instead of "Start Me Up", the Winders95
theme song would be "Boot Scootin' Boogie". Powerpoint would be named
"ParPawnt". Instead of "VP", Microsoft big shots would be
called "Cuz".
Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am. Daisy
Duke
screen saver. Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor-Pull Simulator.
Microsoft CEO "Billy- Bob" (a.k.a. "Bubba") Gates. "ParPawnt" would
have
a "Pond Scum" and a "Junk Yard" presentation template. One wrong turn
while surfing the web would send you face to face with a 12 gauge
shotgun. "This computer protected by Smith and Wesson" screen saver.
Directions to Corporate Headquarters - "Down the road a block or so".
Microsoft Word includes a phonetic spell checker- "Hookt on fonics
werkt
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School Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A COLLEGE PRAYER
Now I lay me down to study,
I pray the Lord I won't go nutty.
If I should fail to learn this junk,
I pray the Lord I will not flunk.
But if I do, don't pity me at all,
Just lay my bones in the study hall.
Tell my prof I did my best,
Then pile my books upon my chest.
Now I lay me down to rest,
And pray I'll pass tomorrow's test.
If I should die before I wake,
That's one less test I'll have to take.
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Toon Chips
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Strange
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Pun Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Punny Quickies
Q. What's the difference between a batman and a thief?
A. Batman can go without Robin.
Q. Why did the lady go outdoors with her purse open?
A. Because she expected some change in the weather.
Q. How do you attract a vegetarian?
A. Make a noise like a wounded vegetable.
Q. Which is worth more...an old ten dollar bill or a new one?
A. An old ten dollar bill is always worth more than a new ONE.
Q. What did the salt say to the pepper?
A. Season's Greetings.
Q. What flower is in between your nose and your chin?
A. Two lips!
Q. What's brown and sticky??
A. A stick.
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Parting Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Did you give the prisoner the third degree?" asked the police
sergeant.
"Yeah, we browbeat him, asking every question we could." answered
the arresting officer.
"And did you get a confession?" asked the sergeant.
"Not exactly." replied the officer. "All he said was, 'Yes Dear,'
and dozed off."
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Bonus Chip
~~~~~~~~~~~~
For a holiday, an Irishman decided to go to Switzerland to fulfil a
lifelong dream and climb the Matterhorn.
He hired a guide and just as they neared the top, the men were caught
in a snow slide.
Three hours later, a Saint Bernard ploughed through to them, a keg of
brandy tied under his chin.
"Hooray!" shouted the guide. "Here comes man's best friend!"
"Aye," said the Irishman. "An' look at the size of the dog that's
bringin' it!"
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Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn
Vol 1075
Pro Ball
Rudy: So you mean to tell me Pops that
these guys get paid a lot of money just to Play
ball?
BJ: Right.
Rudy: Then they get paid to show the kind of cars
they drive?
BJ: Millions, right.
Rudy: Then they get paid money just to get interviewed?
BJ: Right.
Rudy: Then they paid to visit places and promote things?
BJ: Right.
Rudy: I think we are in the wrong business Pops.
BJ: Right!
Rudy: How much did that baseball player make with the NYY?
BJ: A quarter of a billion dollars and then he also can make money
on advertisements.
Rudy: Thud!!
BJ: Yeah, but we are happy.
The herd in Guthrie
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Clean Clean Clean Clean Clean
************
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