Adult Adult
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
Ten years ago today I finished the lists about 0245 and posted
them and fell onto the couch after a really hard day at work
planning to sleep at least to 1100, answer some of my mail, and go
to work. Hours before work I heard the ding of AOL instant messenger
and the answering ding as my daughter typed back. I growled a little
bit because the computer is only six feet from the couch. Then I
heard the TV click on and was furious as she knew better than make
noise while I was sleeping. Then I heard , " Dad, Phil is online and
says someone just crashed a plane into the World Trade Center." Phil
writes the Jokes Uncut and we have a long history of practical
jokes. As my eyes came open to the first tower on fire I was
thinking great trick photography and then sat bolt upright a few
seconds later as the plane hit the second tower. I sent an email to
Jill from Jill's Jokeline as I knew she worked in Manhattan and
called work and my mom. Everyone was watching the story unfold amid
the terror at the Pentagon and in Pennsylvania. I did what I had
been trained to do and kept up my routine and went to work even
though the visions of the towers collapsing and unknown thousands
dead filled my mind. The schools closed down and events were
cancelled, anything where a crowd might gather. That was the terror
that our own children and towns may be next. Back at home that night
with everyone around me shutting down I made the decision to
continue with the lists, first to bring some humor to a world that
was in dire need and next to allow some who could talk about it a
place to post their thoughts. It was a roller coaster of emotions
over the next few months dealing with all the mail, news, and jokes
going from laughing to crying in a few seconds many times a day.
If our eyes were open for the few weeks after the attacks we learned
a lot about who was our friends and who respected us. Our longtime
friends like the British, Canadians, and Australians performed
admirably even though they all had their own problems.
Today I look at music videos and movies and the WTC , a building I
could not have identified in 2000 stands out and screams out to me,"
We Are Gone" That is why we must rebuild bigger and better no matter
what the cost to prove that we will not let terrorists control our
lives.
Today is a day of remembrance. Remembering the thousands who died in
the towers and the Pentagon. Remembering those that died trying to
save those trapped in the buildings. Remembering that there will
always be people out there that want to do us harm and that we must
be forever vigilant. Remembering those who have fought and died in
Afghanistan trying to bring those responsible to justice.
Remembering that although we have a right to life, liberty, and the
pursuit of happiness it usually comes at a high price. If we all
remember then perhaps we will never be caught unaware again.
Enjoy the Chips... buffalo
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Osama Chips
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Bin Laden is Dead
"The SEALs recovered an extensive stash of pornography from bin Laden's
compound. It's probably not easy just having sex with the same 11 wives
all the time. There were interesting titles: 'Debby Does Abbottabad,'
'Deep Goat,' 'Bare Ankles 4,' and '2 Humps, 1 Camel.'"
-Jimmy Fallon
"Osama Bin Laden's supporters want to rename the Arabian Sea where his
body was dumped Martyr Sea. Really? Martyr Sea? Hiding in your bedroom
for six years? How about Chicken of the Sea?"
-Jay Leno
"The death of Osama bin Laden has apparently damaged our relationship
with al Qaeda. Al Qaeda says we're going to pay for Osama bin Laden's
death. I'm pretty sure we did. We even took care of funeral
arrangements. Maybe a thank you would be nice."
-Jimmy Kimmel
"The news of bin Laden's death interrupted this week's episode of
'Celebrity Apprentice.' Which begs the question, how do we kill bin
Laden again next Sunday?"
-Conan O'Brien
"The Republicans are so happy about bin Laden they've granted President
Obama full citizenship." -David Letterman
"Last night the Dalai Lama implied that the killing of Osama bin Laden
was justified. I think his exact quote was, "I love all living things,
but that guy was a dick."
-Conan O'Brien
"Osama bin Laden is in the ocean. How ironic. Once again surrounded by
seals."
-Jay Leno
"Osama bin Laden had money and telephone numbers sewn into his clothes.
Apparently we got him just as he was on his way to summer camp."
-Jay Leno
"After all the talk about caves, bin Laden was hiding in a
million-dollar mansion in Pakistan. The CIA became suspicious when they
learned there was a million-dollar mansion in Pakistan."
-Jimmy Kimmel
"Osama bin Laden's death has been in the news all day. Leftish stations
are going, 'President Obama saves the world.' Stations on the right are
going, 'Obama kills fellow Muslim.'"
-Craig Ferguson
"How about those Navy Seals. We're getting our money's worth there.
They broke into Osama bin Laden's compound with 12-foot walls topped by
barbed wire, and fired a warning shot into his head."
-David Letterman
"Elisabeth Hasselbeck of 'The View' is writing a children's book about
Osama bin Laden's death. She wants to write a book to explain the whole
thing to children.. No title yet, but I have some suggestions: 'The Cat
in the Fatwa,' 'Horton hears a Helicopter,' 'Goodnight, Douche'"
-Craig Ferguson
Mojo
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Toon Chips For Those Who Can't Wait
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Pooh Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Bother," said Pooh. "I need a Zoloft."
"Bother," said Pooh, "it's your husband, and he has a gun."
"Bother," said Pooh, "Piglet tastes like chicken."
"Bother," said Pooh. "I'm a boneless bear."
"Bother," said Pooh, "There's nothing in the closet today but
Zena-wear."
"Bother," said Pooh, "Piglet is giving me heartburn."
"Bother," said Pooh, "I seem to have misplaced my favorite crack
pipe again."
"Bother," said Pooh. "Is it still considered bestiality even if you
didn't enjoy it?"
"Bother," said Pooh, "We are Winnie of Pooh. Resistance is futile.
Your Hunny will be assimilated."
""Botehr" siad Pooh. "Mi Dylsexic,:
"Bother," sad Pooh. "Where did I leave my gawdammd Ritalin?"
"Bother," said Pooh. "Who put the nipple rings on Eyore?"
"Bother," said Pooh, "Ph'nglui mglw'nath Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl
fhtagn."
"Bother," said Pooh. "These fatigues are chafing me so."
"Bother," said Pooh, "my right breast is leaking."
"Bother" said Pooh. "Go on..." said the psychiatrist.
"Bother," said Pooh. "Crap."
"Bother" said Pooh, "I feel like I have a tree up my bum."
"Bother," said Pooh "Is that my prostate?"
"Bother," said Pooh. "I seem to have found the librarian's G spot."
"Bother," said Pooh, "I lost the handcuff keys in the hunny tree."
"Bother," said Pooh. "The burritoes gave me gas."
"Bother," said Piglet. "Stand upwind of P-p-p-pooh!"
"Bother," said Eeyore, "Poooooh's flatulent aaaahgain."
"Bother," said Pooh. "Christopher Robin had another one of THOSE
dreams again. This might not wash out."
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Worse Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bad: You can't find your vibrator.
Worse: Your daughter "borrowed" it.
Bad: You find a porn movie in your son's room.
Worse: You're in it.
Bad: Your children are sexually active.
Worse: With each other.
Bad: Your husband's a crossdresser.
Worse: He looks better than you.
Good: Your son developed an interest in religion.
Bad: He's involved in Satanism.
Worse: As a sacrifice.
Bad: Your wife wants a divorce.
Worse: She's a lawyer.
Bad: Your wife's leaving you.
Worse: For another woman.
Bad: Your wife's leaving you.
Worse: To enter a convent.
Bad: Your wife's arrested for soliciting.
Worse: She implicates you.
Good: Hot outdoor sex.
Bad: You're arrested.
Worse: By your husband.
Good: The secretary said "yes."
Bad: Your wife says "no."
Worse: The secretary gets pregnant
Good: The teacher likes your son.
Bad: Sexually.
Worse: He's gay.
Good: You came home for a quickie.
Bad: Your wife walks in.
Good: You get a three-day weekend.
Bad: You get the flu on Friday.
Good: You go to see a strip show.
Bad: Your daughter's the striper
Good: Your boyfriend's exercising.
Bad: So he'll fit in your clothes.
Worse: He looks better than you do in them.
Good: Your car conveniently "runs out of gas."
Bad: For real.
Worse: It's 25 miles to the nearest gas station.
Good: Your child's "waiting for Mr. Right".
Bad: Your son, that is.
Worse: He finds Mr. Right.
Good: Your daughter's on the Pill.
Bad: She's ten
Good: Your neighbour exercises in the nude.
Bad: She weighs 350 pounds.
Good: Your son's doing extra credit work.
Bad: Making a sex ed video.
Worse: He's the star of it.
Good: Your uncle leaves you a fortune.
Bad: It's counterfeit.
Worse: You're arrested for passing one of the bills.
Good: Your wife bought a porn video.
Bad: Your daughter's the star.
Good: Your wife likes outdoor sex.
Bad: You live downtown.
Good: Your wife meets you at the door nude.
Bad: She's coming home.
Good: Your wife's kinky.
Bad: With the neighbours.
Worse: All of them.
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Short Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The locale was a nudist colony. The boy and the girl weTeacher turns
to her class and says "Today class, we are going to pick out some
BIG words and use them in a sentence. Jenny would you like to go
first?" "Yes Ma'am. Hypocrite. That boy was a hypocrite. He said it
was not ok to go out side and play. Then he went out to play" "Very
Good Jenny!" Little Johnny jumps up in the back of the room waving
his hands. "Yes Johnny" "I have a big one!" He exclaimed. Sighing
the teacher holds her hands together and prays silently, "Go ahead
Johnny" she says. "Harassment!" says Little Johnny, "Her mouth said
no, but harassment yes!"
Going fishing was very much like making love to a beautiful woman.
First of all, clean and inspect your tackle, carefully pull back
your rod cover, and remove any dirt or gunge that may have built up
whilst not in use. Then, extend your rod to its full length, and
check that there are no kinks or any wear particularly at the base,
where the grip is usually applied. Make sure you've got a decent
float, the appropriate bait, and that there's plenty of shot in your
bag.
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Owl Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Little Red was seen going into the woods with a small package and a
large bird cage. She was gone several days but finally she
returned.
Her friend, Goodwill Jen, had never seen Little Red looking so sad.
Goodwill Jen said, "Heard you went off in the woods for a couple of
days. Glad you got back okay, but you look so sad. Why?"
Little Red replied, "Because I just can't get a man."
Goodwill Jen said, "Well, you sure won't find one in the middle of
the woods."
"Don't be so silly," Red said, "I know that. I went in the woods
because I needed something there that would get me a man. But I
couldn't find it."
Goodwill Jen said, "I don't understand what you're talking about."
Little Red replied, "Well, I went there to catch a couple of owls.
I took some dead mice and a bird cage."
"So, how's that gonna help you get a man?" asked Jen.
Little Red said, "Well, I heard the best way to get a man is to have
a good pair of hooters."
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Rapture Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Little Rock woman was killed yesterday after leaping
through her moving car's sunroof during an incident best
described as "a mistaken rapture" by dozens of eyewitnesses.
Thirteen other people were injured after a twenty-car pile
up resulted from people trying to avoid hitting the woman
who was apparently convinced that the rapture was occurring
when she saw twelve people floating up into the air, and
then passed a man on the side of the road who she claimed
was Jesus.
"She started screaming "He's back, He's back" and
climbed right out of the sunroof and jumped off the roof of
the car," said Everet Williams, husband of 28-year-old
Georgann Williams who was pronounced dead at the scene.
"I was slowing down but she wouldn't wait till I stopped,"
Williams said. She thought the rapture was happening and was
convinced that Jesus was gonna lift her up into the sky," he
went on to say.
"This is the strangest thing I've seen since I've been on
the force," said Paul Madison, first officer on the scene.
Madison questioned the man who looked like Jesus and
discovered that he was dressed up as Jesus and was on his
way to a toga costume party when the tarp covering the bed
of his pickup truck came loose and released twelve blow up
sex dolls filled with helium which floated up into the air.
Ernie Jenkins, 32, of Fort Smith, who's been told by several
of his friends that he looks like Jesus, pulled over and
lifted his arms into the air in frustration, and said "Come
back here," just as the Williams' car passed him, and Mrs.
Williams was sure that it was Jesus lifting people up into
the sky as they passed by him, according to her husband, who
says his wife loved Jesus more than anything else.
When asked for comments about the twelve sex dolls, Jenkins
replied "This is all just too weird for me. I never expected
anything like this to happen."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Toon Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Experience
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fake O
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Filling
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I came first
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Fuckin A
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Hammer
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Limerick Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was a young fellow from Wark,
Who, when he screws, has to bark.
His wife is a bitch,
With a terrible itch,
So the town never sleeps after dark.
~~~~~
So here was this fellow from Strensall,
Whose pecker was shaped like a pencil,
Anemic, 'tis true,
But an interesting screw,
Inasmuch as the tip is prehensile.
~~~~~~
There was a young man of Cape Horn,
Who wished he had never been born.
And he wouldn't have been,
If his father had seen
That the end of the rubber was torn.
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Parting Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The old Navy Chief finally retired and got that chicken ranch he
always
wanted. He took with him his life-long pet parrot. First morning at
0430, the parrot squawked loudly and said, "Reveille, Reveille. Up all
hands. Heave out and trice up. The smoking lamp is lighted, now
Reveille"
The old chief told the parrot, "We are no longer in the Navy. Go back
to
sleep."
The next morning, the parrot did the same thing. Chief told the
parrot,
"If you keep this up, I'll put your ass out in the chicken pen". Again
the parrot did it, and true to his word, the Chief put the parrot in
the
chicken pen. About 0630 the morning after that, the Chief was awakened
by one heck of a ruckus in the chicken pen. He went out to see what
was
the matter.
The parrot had about 40 white chickens at attention in formation, and
on
the ground lay 3 bruised and beaten brown chickens. The parrot was
saying, "By God, when I say fall out in dress whites, I don't mean
Khakis!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn
Vol 2103
The Marathon and the Disaster That is Miss Katie
The dogs arrive at the park where the race will start
and are far ahead of Miss Tami.
Rudy: We have about 30 minutes to kill, so what shall
we do?
Val: Katie tell me how you got your scar below your
left eye?
Katie: It was a long time ago and I don't really remember.
Sandi: It was the time you were in the pasture with cows
and were being chased by a bull and you ran through
the barbed-wire fence right?
Katie: Er, it might have been. I thought I was carefully, and
in not in any hurry, just climbing though the fence and slipped.
Rudy: ROFLMAO! Right... I will go with the bull and no bull about
it.
Val: You are lucky to be alive Katie.
Sandi: That's not all of her luck.
Val: What? There is more?
Sandi: Tell her Katie.
To be continued
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Adult Adult
*********************************************
Remember 9/11/01
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