Adult Adult
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
Ok Here is the rest of the story so to speak on the Navy joke. As
you can probably guess I loved the Navy and have mostly good
memories. My whole life has been this way and when I
hit the bad times I rant a little and know that God and my friends
will see me through.
11. Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night.
When it goes off, jump out of the bed and get dressed as fast as you
can, then run out into your front yard and sit in your car (battle
station).
b. General Quarters, actual and drills can happen anytime in peace
and war when the crew is required as a whole to handle a situation
be it a fire or attack. You have 5 minutes from alarm to get dressed
and make it to your station before all the hatches are dogged tight.
Absences are not appreciated.
12. Once a month take every major appliance completely apart and
then put them back together.
b. Machinery maintenance is important to guarantee that it will work
when needed. Simple things like oil changes are done monthly and
inspections yearly and major overhauls every 5 years. Prevent
failures not repair
13. Use 18 scoops of coffee per pot, brew (cook) and allow it to sit
for 5 or 6 hours before drinking.
b. What can I say, I like my coffee strong.
14. Invite at least 85 people you don't really like to come and
visit for a couple of months.
b. You better learn to like them.. Your life may depend on it.
15. Have a fluorescent lamp installed on the bottom of your coffee
table and lie under it to read books.
b. Ah the amenities of a bunk. If the womb was so well equipped we
would never leave after only 9 months
16. Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills on your front and
back doors so that you either trip over the threshold or hit your
head on the sill every time you pass through one of them.
b. People learn after a few concussions and abrasions to pick up
their feet and look up and down as they walk. At. 5'7" I never
banged my head much. People over 6'6" are not allowed on subs.
17. When making cakes, prop up one side of the pan while it is
baking. Then spread icing really thick on one side to level off the
top.
b.It is rough being the person on the high side of the cake and
great being on the low side. Navy chocolate cake with vanilla icing
is so moist and delicious. I have never had a lopsided cake and the
bakery was awesome. I pity the soldiers who have to eat out of a
plastic pouch although it is suitable for short camping trips.
18. Every so often, throw your cat into the swimming pool, shout
"Man Overboard, Ship Recovery!".
b. Scary situation. Picture yourself in the water after a fall from
up to sixty feet. You may be injured, unconscious, or drowning as
your ship
steams away. A deck watch sees you in the water and choppers and
rescue personnel are launched, ships boats are lowered and everyone
musters to find who is missing. As long as there is a glimmer of
hope they will search for you, days if necessary, along with the
other ships of your task force. In a drill you have twenty minutes
to muster and recover the dummy in the water or stand by for more
drills till you get
it right.
19. Run into the kitchen and sweep all the pots/pans/dishes off the
counter, then yell at your wife for not having the place "stowed for
sea".
b. Gear adrift is never tolerated, items that are not secured or put
away become missiles in high seas or a collision. Carriers are a
little
more lax as we don't rock as much side to side, more of an up and
down motion. We eat off china with glasses and white china cups. I
saw a 29 degree roll during a typhoon which wiped out all of the
plates in the aft galley. We ate off paper plates the rest of the
way home. It is not unusual for a destroyer to take 45 degree rolls
under the same conditions.
20. Put on headphones from your stereo (don't plug them in). Go and
stand in front of your stove. Say (to nobody in particular), "Stove
manned and ready". Stand there for 3 or 4 hours. Say (once again, to
nobody in particular), "Stove secured". Roll up the cord and put the
headphones away.
b. Sound powered telephones which work on the same principal as the
two tin cans and a string are still used by the Navy because they
are unaffected by a loss of power during battle. There are dozens of
circuits manned by the watches that are connected to the bridge,
damage control, and flight control to name a few. Some are manned
24-7 and some just during general quarters, anchoring, getting
underway or other special operations.
Enjoy the Chips... buffalo
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Marine Chips
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~~~~U.S.M.C. Dining Etiquette~~~~
The wisdom of an old Marine. Great answer.
Commandant of the Marine Corps, General Al Gray, a crusty old 'Field
Marine', loved his Marines and often slipped into the mess hall wearing
a
faded old field jacket without any rank or insignia on it. He would go
through
the chow line just like a private. In this way, he was assured of being
given
the same rations that the lowest enlisted man received. Woe be it to
the mess officer if the food was found to be unfit in quality or
quantity.
Upon becoming Commandant, General Gray was expected to do a great deal
of 'formal entertaining'...fancy dinner parties in full dress blue
uniform. Now,
the General would rather have been in the field eating cold 'C-rats'
around a fighting hole with a bunch of young 'hard charging' Marines.
But the General
knew his duty and as a Marine he was determined to do it to the best of
his ability.
During these formal parties, a detachment of highly polished Marines
from
'Eighth and Eye' (Marine Barracks located at 8th and I Streets in
Washington,
D.C., home of the Silent Drill Team) were detailed to assume the
position of
'parade rest' at various intervals around the ballroom where the
festivities
were being held.
At some point during one of these affairs, a very refined, blue-haired
lady picked
up a tray of pastries and went around the room offering confections to
the guests. When she noticed these Marines in dress blues, standing like
sculptures all
around the room, she was moved with admiration. She knew that several of
these men were fresh from our victory in Kuwait. She made a beeline for
the closest Lance Corporal, drew near him and asked, 'Would you like
pastry young man?'
The young Marine snapped to 'attention' and replied, "I don't eat that
shit,
Ma'am." Just as quickly, he resumed the position of 'parade rest.' His
gaze remained fixed on some distant point throughout the exchange.
The fancy lady was completely taken aback! She blinked, her eyes
widened, her mouth dropped open. So startled was she that she
immediately began to doubt
what she had heard. In a quivering voice she asked, "W-W-What did you
say?"
The Marine snapped back to the position of 'attention' (like the arm of
a
mousetrap smacking its wooden base). Then he said, '"I don't eat that
shit,
Ma'am." And just as smartly as before, back to the position of 'parade
rest' he
went.
This time, there was no doubt. The fancy lady immediately became
incensed
and felt insulted. After all, here she was an important lady, taking the
time to
offer something nice to this enlisted man (well below her station in
life), and
he had the nerve to say THAT to HER! She exclaimed "Well! I never...!"
The lady remembered that she had met that military man in charge of all
these 'soldiers' earlier. She spotted General Gray from across the room.
He had a
cigar clenched between his teeth and a camouflaged canteen cup full of
bourbon
in his left hand. He was talking to a group of 1st and 2nd Lieutenants.
So blue
haired lady went straight over to the Commandant and interrupted.
"General, I offered some pastry to that young man over there, and do you
know
what he told me?"
General Gray cocked his eyebrow, took the cigar out of his mouth and
said,
"Well, no Ma'am, I don't."
The lady took in a deep breath, confident that she was adequately
expressing
with her body language her considerable rage and indignation. As she
wagged
her head in cadence with her words, and she paused between each word for
effect, She said, "I - don't - eat - that - shit - Ma'am!''
The lieutenants were in a state of near apoplexy. A couple of them
choked back chuckles, and turned their heads to avoid having their
smirks detected. The
next thought that most of them had was, 'God, I hope it wasn't one of MY
Marines!' and the color left their faces.
General Gray wrinkled his brow, cut his eyes in the direction of the
lieutenants, put his free hand to his chin and muttered a subdued, "Hmmm
Which one did
you say it was Ma'am?," the General asked.
"That tall sturdy one right over there near the window, General," the
woman
said with smug satisfaction. One of the lieutenants began to look sick
and put a
hand on the wall for support. General Gray, seemed deep in thought, hand
still
to his chin, wrinkled brow. Suddenly, he looked up and his expression
changed to one indicating he had made a decision.
He looked the fancy lady right in the eyes and said, "Well, fuck him!
Don't give
him any."
Dave
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Blonde Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Blondes jokes - not!
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What do you call going on a blind date with a brunette? Brown-bagging
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What's the real reason a brunette keeps her figure? No one else wants
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Why are so many blonde jokes one-liners? So brunettes can remember them.
What do you call a brunette in a room full of blondes? Invisible.
What's a brunette's mating call? "Has the blonde left yet?"
Tom
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Cigarette Chips
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Little Johnny and his girl were walking along
a trail in the woods. Suzy noticed that some of
the animals were behaving oddly. "Little Johnny,
why is that rabbit on top that other one?" she
asked.
Little Johnny stopped to consider his answer,
and replied, "They're making cigarettes."
"Cigarettes?" she exclaimed, as they continue
walking along. Pretty soon, they approached
a couple of raccoons. Suzy asked, "Are they
making cigarettes too?"
"Yea," says Little Johnny.
Suzy looked around and said, "It looks like all the
animals are making cigarettes, why do not we
make cigarettes?" Little Johnny was quick to say,
"OK!"
An hour or so later Little Johnny and Suzy were
walking out of the woods, when she asked,
"Little Johnny, what kind of cigarettes did we make?"
Little Johnny stopped to think about his answer,
and then replied, "Well if you get a hump in your
belly it's a Camel, and if you don't it was a
Lucky Strike."
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Random Chips
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Wife comes home to find the old man shagging the dog in the front
room. "My God, Henry," she screams, "I know you've had other women,
but this time you've gone too far!" "You may be right" he says, "I
think I'm stuck."
What does a blonde have in common with the United States Army?
They're open to any man between the ages of eighteen and
thirty-five.
Paula and Steve got married. They went to a hotel for the wedding
night. The following morning, Paula's closest friend came over and
asked how their wedding night went. Paula told her "I'm just awfully
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and down, in and out." Her friend, misunderstanding her, was a bit
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What two things in the air can make a Woman pregnant? Her feet.
Stan Kegel
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Monopoly Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Strip Monopoly
1. All clothing is legal tender, for debts both public,
and private, at the values listed.
2. Any clothing given to the bank is removed from the game.
3. If you do not have cash, then you MUST pay in clothes.
4. All payments to the bank for Chance, Community Chest,
Income Tax, etc. must include at least one item of
clothing (not necessarily yours).
5. When paying rent to another player, you must roll 1
die. If it comes up 5, or 6, you must include one item of clothing
for
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either
cash, or clothes.
6. YOU MAY NOT WEAR ANY OTHER PLAYERS CLOTHING!!!!!!!!!!
EVEN IF SHE *IS* YOUR WIFE !
Clothing values:
Note: all values may be adjusted in response to sexy
underwear, or similar circumstances.
Jewellery---------$3.00 per type(if you have 10 bracelets, together
they
are worth $3.00)
Shoes-----------$5.00 per pair
Socks-----------$5.00 per pair
Shirt-----------$50.00 (male, female w/ bra)
Shirt----------$350.00 (female w/out bra)
Pants----------$100.00 (w/ underwear)
Pants----------$600.00 (w/out underwear)
Bra------------$300.00
Underwear------$500.00
*values listed here are assumed to be worn. once an
item of clothing is removed from the body, the price
drops to the lowest price for that item. (ex: once a
shirt w/out a bra is sold, its price drops from $350
$50) All outer clothing not listed here, is worth
$1.00 a piece. Any clothing not listed (i.e. garter
belts) the price will be set by the group.
So, anyone fancy popping over here to play monopoly
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Viagra Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An elderly couple were at home at the wife called out "So, when are
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"I told you, I'll go when I feel like going."
After 3 months of nagging, the old man finally walked into the
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"You don't understand," said the old man. "I am almost 90 years old
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Limerick Chips
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There was a young fellow of Strensall,
Whose prick was as sharp as a pencil.
On the night of his wedding,
It went through the bedding,
And shattered the chamber utensil.
There was a young lady of Michigan,
Who said, "Damn it! I've got the itch again."
Said her mother, "That's strange,
I'm surprised it ain't mange,
If you've slept with that son-of-a-bitch again."
There was a young fool name of Raines,
To get laid, he'd go to great pains,
Never a genius,
He thought with his penis,
But his prick was as dumb as his brains.
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Parting Chips
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While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10
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To which she replied, "I'm late for work."
Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"
I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.
The cop stammered, "A what?
A rectum stretcher?
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Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger,
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Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn
Vol 2059
Politics From Sandi's Point of View
Rudy: Tell us Sandi what is this politic thing?
Sandi: Well it is a bit confusing to me but here it is.
You have basically two people who say the same
thing but call each other liars.
Rudy: That doesn't make sense.
Val: That is confusing.
Sandi: It gets worse. They will make promises so
you can vote for them and once they are elected,
they will do whatever they want.
Katie: You mean they break their promises?
Sandi: Yes.
Rudy: Don't the people get angry and tar and feather them?
Sandi: No, they are used to it.
Rudy: Hrumpt, if it was us dogs, we would chase them out of
town.
To be continued
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Adult Adult
*********************************************
Remember 9/11/01
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In accordance with the 2004 Can-Spam act you can contact me at:
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Compilation and narrative copyright 2002 by william Brabant
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