THE POSTMAN
So we are sitting at the breakfast table and
the war department is talking about all the stuff
she "has to do today."
As she munches on her toast and peanut butter:
"I have to give Turk the dog aka Carlos the rat a
bath today. I need to change the sheets upstairs. I
gotta...." And I listen,sipping my coffee as she rambles on.
Finally after a slight pause. she says,
"So what are your plans today Martin?"
My son, sitting quietly this whole time, listening, his eyeballs
get big and he says, "I know what dad is doing, same thing as
yesterday. He is getting older n fatter."
The war department turned to my son and said, "Don't forget
greyer." Sigh, you know, sometimes the
problem with your family is that they are so brutally honest.
ENJOY THE JOKES
A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again,decided to leave a note
saying, "I've had enough and have left you, don't bother coming after me”. Then she hid
under the bed to see his reaction. After a short while the husband comes home and she
could hear him in the kitchen before he came into the bedroom. She could see him walking
towards the dresser and pick up the note… After a few minutes he wrote something on it
before picking up the phone and calling someone.... “She's finally gone. Yeah I know,
about bloody time. I’m coming to see you. Put on that sexy French nightie. I love you...
can't wait to see you...we'll do all the naughty things you like”. He hung up, grabbed his
keys and left. She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed, seething with
rage and with tears in her eyes, she grabbed the note to see what he wrote... "I can see your feet.
We're outta bread. Back in 5 minutes."
A Canadian guy, a Greek guy, a Japanese guy, and a Middle Eastern guy walk into a bar. They all
have a couple of beers, and get to bragging. The Greek guy boasts, "I'm so lucky, I have 4
beautiful children, one more and I would have a basketball team." Not to be outdone, the
Canadian guy retorts, "I am luckier than you, I have 5 gifted children, one more and I could
form a hockey team." So, the Japanese guy chimes in with, "Well, I surely have both of you topped.
I have 8 children. Just one more and I would have a baseball team." Pausing, briefly, the Middle
Eastern guy replies, "Well, I am betting I have all you fools beat. my harem houses 17 wives, one
more and I would have a golf course!".
A Texan enters a restaurant and while sitting at his table, notices a gorgeous woman sitting at
another table, alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for the most expensive bottle of champagne
to be sent over to her knowing that if she accepts it, she is his. The waiter gets the bottle
and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying this is from the gentleman. She looks at the champagne
and decides to send a note with the bottle back over to the Texan. The note read: "For me to accept
this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, $1M in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."
WELL, the Texan, after reading this note, sends one of his own back to her and it read: "Just so
you know I happen to have TWO Mercedes in my garage, I have over $2M in the bank, but not even
for YOU, would I cut off 2 inches! Sorry, honey."
A Blonde told her girlfriend, "I was so worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off.
And I was so relieved when he told me that all I needed was blinker fluid!" A blonde walked
into the dentist office and sat down in the chair. The dentist said "Open Wide" "I can't" The
blonde said. "This chair has arms" A blonde walks into a restaurant to get some dinner, and
while she's deciding on what she wants a waitress comes up. The blonde looks up and notices
the waitress's name tag on her shirt. "Gee, that's nice. What did you name the other one?" A
blonde girl was talking to her redhead friend about her boyfriend's dandruff problem. The
redhead says "Why don't you give him Head and Shoulders?" The blonde replies,
"How do you give shoulders?"
A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed. After years of this, the wife
wants him to quit; she gets two shot glasses, filling one with water and the other
with whiskey. After getting him to the table that had the glasses, she brings his bait box.
She says "I want you to see this." She puts a worm in the water it, and it swims around.
She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately. She then says, feeling that
she has made her point clear, "what do you have to say about this experiment?"
He responds by saying: "If I drink whiskey, I won't get worms!"
waking up
the collar
just a girl
my therapist
a Floridian
take that criminals
your girlfriend
at the bar
whats all the screaming about
callin em names
losin my mind
a mound of dirt
you get in the car
doing it wrong
never fought in 25 years
wife hits her husband
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