THE POSTMAN
You know, as you get older, you learn things. Right?
Funny thing. some you have learned are good, Some not so good.
Thing I have learned as I get older?
It is important to enjoy your 20s and 30s, because your check
engine lite comes on in your 40s and 50s and every thing is pretty
much fucked up after that.
ENJOY THE JOKES
How many animals can you fit into a pair of pantyhose?
Two calves, an ass, a beaver, a shitload of hares, 1 camel toe,
and a fish nobody can find.
A young blonde secretary was describing her blind date to a friend.
"After dinner," she said, "he wanted to come back to my apartment,
but I refused. I told him my mother would worry if I did anything like
that." "That was smart," her friend said, approvingly. "Then what
happened?" "He kept insisting, and I kept refusing," the secretary said.
"You didn't weaken your resolve, did you?" asked the friend. "Not one bit.
In the end, we went to his apartment. I figured, let his mother worry."
Standing beside a valiant stallion, Amanda Bynes decides she must ride
this animal despite having no previous riding experience. Soon, she
finds herself atop the horse's back, galloping through a lush green meadow.
Unsuspecting, the horse suddenly picks up speed and she finds herself
euphoric over the freedom she is experiencing. Once again, the magnificent
animal picks up speed except this time her inexperience gets the better of
her. She finds herself barely able to hang on. The startled horse is now in a
dead run and the beautiful blonde finds herself hanging off to one side of
the horse, her head just inches from the ground... catastrophe seconds away.
She begins to frantically scream for help when all of a sudden......... Victor, the
Wal-Mart door man, calmly walks up and unplugs the ride.
One day God came to Adam for a brief discussion. "I've got some good news
and some bad news." God said. Adam looked thoughtfully at his maker and
replied, "Please give me the good news first." Smiling, God explained, "I've
created two new organs for you. One is called a brain. This organ will allow you
to be very intelligent, create new things, and carry on productive
conversations with Eve. The other organ is called a penis. It will allow you to
reproduce your intelligent life form and begin populating the planet. Eve will be
very pleased that you are now equipped with this organ as she will be able to
conceive children." Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great and
wonderful gifts you have given me. What could possibly be bad news after
such great tidings?" God then looked upon Adam, and said with great sorrow,
"The bad news is I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time."
Young man Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based
in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and both applicants having
the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the department manager.
Upon completion of the test, both men only missed one of the questions. The
manager went to Murphy and said, 'Thank you for your interest, but we've decided
to give the American the job.' Murphy asked, 'And why would you be doing that?
We both got nine questions correct. This being Ireland, and me being Irish I
should get the job!' The manager said, 'We have made our decision not on the
correct answers, but rather on the question that you missed.' Murphy then asked,
'And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?' The manager
replied, 'Well, the American put down on question #5, 'I don't know.'
You put down, 'Neither do I.''
A flight attendant on a United Air Lines cross-country flight nervously announced:
about 30 minutes outbound from LA, 'I don't know how this happened, but we have
103 passengers aboard and only 40 dinners.' When the passengers' muttering
had died down, she continued, 'Anyone who is kind enough to give up his meal so
someone else can eat will receive free drinks for the length of the flight.' Her next
announcement came an hour later. 'If anyone wants to change his mind,
we still have 29 dinners available!'
according to statistics
don't trust your wife
vegans
when life gives you lemons
a male prostitute
does it piss you off
if you had not declawed me
Taco Bell
my spirit plant
don't wanna get up
so what did you do this weekend
am I gonna make it
wearing something sexy
step on the lego
stop trying
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