Adult Adult
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
I have been spending a lot of time watching the reality shows regarding
horse traders lately. Oh they call them Pawn Shop owners and Pickers
and the latest bunch that follows the storage unit auction circuit but
they
are just horse traders. My dad was a horse trader and I learned enough
to get a good deal on a car or sell stuff at the swap meet and I could
probably
make a living in a pawn shop but I do have some principles and some of
their
deals are about as close as you can come to robbery without being
charged.
Take Pawn Stars, they won't pay much for an item but will put some
ridiculous amount to have it fixed up. For example the trashed golf cart
they
fixed up for the old man for around 6,000. I saw a three wheeler with
new
batteries advertised a couple of years ago for 600 and it was in
excellent
shape. In another episode they pay 1500 bucks to have a motor put in a
VW bud and a new starter. There is 6 bolts holding a VW motor to the
transaxle, a coil wire, generator wire, gas line and linkage. It takes a
half
hour to install an engine and 50-60 bucks for a starter. 1440 for a half
hour
labor seems a bit steep. Caun Pawn Stars, they were looking under the
hood
of an old Police Car and the owner noticed that it had been converted
from
6 volt to 12 volt. On reason for lowering his offer was that he claimed
that
6 volt wiring wasn't large enough to handle 12 volts. In fact when you
double the voltage, it halves the amperage so the wire is only half as
big
for 12 volt. 6 volt battery cables were as big as your thumb and 12 volt
the
size of your pinky.
I hope you are enjoying your winter. We had zero degree weather for two
days and then all next week the highs are in the 30's. I really enjoy
the
El Ninjas or whatever they call it that causes this as I haven't had to
pay to
have my yard plowed this year and I just signed up for natural gas at
54.9
for another year. I can't buy burning it in my car but I would really
like
to see a small nat. gas generator that would give you electricity,
charge
your Tesla in the garage and the waste heat would heat your water and
your
house. It's already out there but I wish the government would pay for it
heh heh.
Enjoy the chips..... buffalo
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Short Chips
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What does a man consider a seven course meal?
A hot dog and a six pack.
Do you know why bankers are good lovers?
They know first hand the penalty for early withdrawal.
Why are men like laxatives?
They can irritate the shit out of you.
Do you know why men have holes in the end of their penises?
So oxygen can get into their brains
How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his toes
Why is it good that there are women astronauts?
So that when the crew gets lost in space, at least the women will ask
for
directions
How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomach everytime they see a bikini
Why do men like blonde jokes so much?
Because they can understand them
What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
1. No mind.
2. No business.
Why is a woman different from a PC?
A woman won't accept a 3½" floppy
Why is a man different from a PC?
You only have to tell the PC once
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift?
Exchange him.
Why do bachelors like smart women?
Opposites Attract.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born?
To knock the penises off the smart ones.
What is that insensitive bit at the base of the penis called?
The man.
Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.
What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
Why are men like commercials?
You can't believe a word they say.
Why are men like blenders?
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
Why do so many women fake orgasm?
Because so many men fake foreplay.
What do you do if your best friend runs off with your husband?
Miss her.
Pity her.
How does a man save a woman from being attacked on the street at night?
He controls himself.
Why don't men like to drink coffee at work?
It keeps them awake.
Why do men buy electric lawn mowers?
So they can find their way back to the house.
Why is it dangerous to tell the husband to go and change the son?
Two hours later he comes back with a baby girl.
Why didn't the husband change the baby for a week?
Because the text on the nappies package said '18-40 lbs'.
Why do men come home drunk and leave their clothes on the floor?
Because they are in them.
Why do men want to vote for a female President?
Because we'd only have to pay her half as much.
What's the difference between a man and a messy room?
You can straighten up a messy room.
What's the difference between a man and an ox?
Fifteen pounds and a six-pack.
How many men would it take to mop a floor?
No one knows; they've never done it.
What is a "successful hunting trip"?
When three men kill 9 cases of Budweiser in two days
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Beach Chips
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A widowed lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a totally
deserted beach at Ft. Myers . She looked up and noticed that a man her
age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand
near hers and began reading a book..
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him.
"How are you today?"
"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book..
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.
"First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and
turned back to his book.
"I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it
is very lonely," she countered. "Do you live around here?" She asked.
Yes, I live over in Cape Coral," he answered, and again he resumed
reading.
Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, "Do you like
pussy cats?"
With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off
her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life.
When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man,
"How did you know that was what I wanted?"
The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"
Larry F.
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Alien Chips
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A Texan and a Michigander were hunting in the UP when they see an
illegal alien running across the field. The Michigander takes careful
aim, shoots, and kills him. "You can't do that!" cried the Texan. "No,
it's legal here in Michigan " replies the Michigander.
Later that night the Texan goes and buys some beer and puts it on the
roof of his truck to open the door. Just then an illegal alien runs by,
grabs the beer, and runs away.
The Texan thinks "No problem" draws his pistol, shoots, and kills him.
As he is getting his beer into the truck the police come and arrest him.
"But I thought it was legal to shoot illegal aliens here in Michigan!"
protests the Texan.
"Well yeah," says the cop, "but you can't use bait."
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Short Chips
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An old man sitting on the nursing home porch in the spring sunlight
turns to the old man sitting next to him and chuckles, "Spring days
like this really take me back. Do you remember the first time you
made love to your wife?"
"Hell No", says the other fellow, "I don't even remember the LAST
time...."
~~~~~
At a party a guy cornered a girl and whispered something in her ear.
"You filthy pervert!" she shrieked. "What makes you think I'd let
you do a thing like that to me?"
Then her eyes narrowed and she said, "Unless you're the
s.o.b. that stole my diary..."
~~~~
As cab drivers oftentimes do, the driver was darting in and
out of heavy traffic with complete abandon. After a few hair
raising blocks, his passenger leaned forward and said, "Would
you please be more careful? I have six children at home."
"Scheesch lady." murmured the cabbie. "You got six kids
and ya got the nerve to tell ME to be careful?"
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Police Chips
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Interpreting A Police Report
What the report SAID (1), What the report MEANT (2)
(1) While on routine patrol...
(2) I was in the car because the coffee shop was
closed.
(1) The motorist was operating his vehicle in a
reckless manner.
(2) He had a bumper sticker that said "SLOW DOWN-
DON'T FEED THE PIGS"
(1) The accident scene and the safety of the victims
prevented this officer from doing traffic
control.
(2) It was raining.
(1) This officer went out-of-service to obtain
intelligence information from a street
informant.
(2) It was too hot to ride in the car.
(1) I observed the suspect acting in a suspicious
manner...
(2) The dirt-bag let go with an "Oink" as I walked
by.
(1) Knowing the suspect had a criminal history...
(2) He puked on my uniform one night...
(1) The informant is of known credibility and has
provided reliable information in the past...
(2) I've got two theft cases hanging over his
head...
(1) While being arrested, this subject resisted
arrest, and was injured in the act...
(2) He ripped my shirt and broke my new mirrored
sunglasses...
(1) The motorist was cited for multiple traffic
violations...
(2) I wrote one citation for each swearword he
used...
(1) Upon announcing my title and purpose, I heard a
voice from inside the house say "Come in" so
this writer entered through the door...
(2) The rock music was so loud they wouldn't have
heard Patton's army so I kicked in the door.
(1) The members of the press at the scene were
offered every courtesy within departmental
policies...
(2) I sent then to a non-existent address which I
called the "Command Post."
(1) I gave the motorist a verbal warning for
speeding...
(2) She was a good-looking blonde who owned a
liquor store and who was free after my shift was
over.
(1) The Chief appeared at the scene and took
command...
(2) I sent him to the same address as the reporters.
(1) Further interview of the witness was impossible,
due to conditions.
(2) It was my bowling night...
(1) The motorist eyes were glassy, he had slurred
speech, was unsteady on his feet, and smelled
strongly of an alcoholic beverage.
(2) He was howling at the moon and trying to drive
the car from the back seat.
(1) Using only enough force to restrain the
subject...
(2) My favorite song is "Drop-kick me Jesus Through
the Goal Post of Life"
(1) The defendant asked this officer's advice on how
to act before the judge at his arraignment...
(2) I told him he didn't have the balls to call the
judge the same name he called me.
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History Chips
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When the new school year started, the history teacher was
so excited because there were three little Indian boys in her
class. She was beside herself with excitement.
She asks the first little Indian boy to stand up and tell the
class what tribe he is from and how he knows this.
The little boy stands up and proudly throws out his chest.
He takes his fist and hits his chest, and says in a booming
voice, "I am a Cherokee. My Father and I walked for many
moons and one day my Father said, 'Son, you see all this
land. This is Cherokee land.' So, I know I am a Cherokee."
The teacher then asks the next little Indian boy to stand up
and tell the class what tribe he is from and how he knows
this.
The little boy stands up and proudly throws out his chest.
He takes his fist and hits his chest, and says in a booming
voice, "I am a Comanche. My Father and I walked for many
moons and one day my Father said, 'Son, you see all this
land. This is Comanche land.' So, I know I am a Comanche."
The teacher then asks the last little Indian boy to stand up
and tell the class what tribe he is from and how he knows
this.
The little boy stands up and proudly throws out his chest.
He takes his fist and hits his chest, and says in a booming
voice, "I am a Fuckawee."
The teacher looks dumb founded, "I don't think there is
any such tribe as the Fuckawee."
The little Indian boy explains, "My Father and I walked for
many days and many nights. We ran out of water, but we
kept walking. With no rest, we were getting weary. Finally,
one day, my Father stopped in his tracks. He shielded the
sun from his eyes to look around, and said, Hmm, where
the Fuckawee?'"
J Brooks
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Toon Chips
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Short Chips
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A young polar bear came into his den and asked his mother, "Mom am
I a real polar bear?" "Of course you are." His mother replied. The young
polar bear asked his father. "Dad, am I a real polar bear?" "Yes, you
are a real polar bear." A week passed and the young polar bear asked
his parents, "Are grandma and grandpa real polar bears?" "Yes" said
his parents. Another week passed and the young polar bear asked his
parents, "Are all my relatives real polar bears?" "Yes, they are all
real
polar bears." Said his parents. "Why do you ask?" replied his mother.
"Because," said the young polar bear, "I'm fucking freezing.
~~~
One day, all the human body parts started arguing about who was on
top... The mouth said, ''I should be on top because, without me, you
wouldn't be able to eat.'' Then the stomach said, ''Ya but if it weren't
for me, you wouldn't be able to digest and transfer all the minerals and
vitamins throughout the body, I should be on top.'' Then the heart said,
''I should be on top because I'm the one who takes the blood from point
A to point B. Without me, the body would die.'' Then the brain said, ''
Well, without me, you wouldn't be able to move, eat, digest or allow
circulation of blood, so I should be on top.'' Now, the asshole was
beginning to get annoyed, ''You know, I should be on top because
I can just shut my hole and then shit will accumulate and block the
digestive track and screw all of you up.'' It was chaos, everyone was
yelling and fighting. Finally, the asshole got fed up, ''That's it, I'm
fed
up, I'm shutting up my hole.''
So for a few days, the body couldn't shit and the brain had trouble
moving, the stomach digesting, the mouth eating and the blood flow
going, everyone was begging the asshole to open up, The brain said,
''Please open up, you made your point, your on top, just open up.''
The asshole smiled, ''So everyone agrees that I'm on top?'' ''YES''
everyone shouted. ''OK!'' so the asshole opened up and the body
could shit again. The moral of this story is, you have to be an asshole
to
be on top....
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Parting Chips
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A drunk guy is sitting in a bar. There is a very buxom lady a few seats
down -- I'd estimate a 44DD bra. A fellow at the end of the bar calls
for a
beer. The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar. It hits
the
lady's breasts and spills all over them.
The bartender goes over, retrieves the glass and licks the beer off of
her
breasts. This happens a couple more times.
The next time, the drunk jumps up and starts to lick her breasts. She
decks
him! He's laying on the floor and moans, "Why do you let the bartender
do
it?"
"Because he has a liquor license! You don't!"
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Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
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Adult Adult Adult
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Remember 9/11/01
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