Adult Adult
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
Woke up Tuesday morning and as much as I didn't want to
go out at ten below, there were bills to be paid. I went over
to the credit union and got a variety of money orders and cash
to keep the landlord, cable company, electric company, my ISP
and the insurance company happy and since Buffy had left
a lot less gas than I like in the Suburban I headed to the gas
station. Thirty dollars worth of gas brought it up to about
three-eights of a tank but then it does have a 43 gallon tank
which hasn't seen full in a long time. I told Buffy that I had
filled it to three-eights and she asked," What does that mean?"
I told her that means you should have paid attention in
third grade when they taught you about fractions. Seriously
though, fractions are something that should have been done
away with a long time ago and replaced by decimals. I
mean who can remember whether you have to turn the fraction
upside down to multiply or divide it and have you ever seen a
pocket calculator that has fractions on it?
Anyhow after paying all of the local bills, Sandy and I went to
the grocery store and I made it to the register and left Sandy
to handle bagging everything up because after a few months
of laying around my feet felt like I had drove over them. We
got home and got everything put away and had supper and I
decided to lay down and grab a .5 hour nap before NCIS
started. The next thing I knew it was 0200, six hours later,
so here I am wide awake at 0600 doing yesterday's chips.
Have a great day... buffalo
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Cat Chips
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We were dressed and ready to go out to the New Year's Eve Party. We
turned
on
a night light and the answering machine, covered our pet parakeet and
put
the
cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a
taxi.
The taxi arrived and, as we opened the front door to leave the house,
the
cat
we had put out in the yard scooted back into the house! We didn't want
the
cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird so my
wife
went
out to the taxi while I went back inside to get the cat. The cat ran
upstairs
with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife didn't want the
driver
to
know that the house would be empty for the night so she explained that I
would
be out soon, "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later, I got into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said,
as
we drove away. "That stupid bitch was hiding under
the bed; had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She
tried
to take off so I grabbed her by the neck. Then I had to wrap her in a
blanket
to keep her from scratching me! But it worked; I hauled her fat ass
downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"
The cab driver hit a parked car . . .
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Toon Chips For Those Who Can't Wait
falling rocks
http://thepostmanscorner.net/y011.html
smoking banned
http://thepostmanscorner.net/y012.html
field trips
http://thepostmanscorner.net/y013.html
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Football Chips
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SOUTHERN vs. NORTHERN FOOTBALL
Women's Accessories:
NORTH: ChapStick in back pocket and a $20 bill in the front pocket.
SOUTH: Louis Vuitton duffel with two lipsticks, waterproof mascara, and
a fifth of bourbon. Money is not necessary - that's what dates are for.
Stadium Size:
NORTH: College football stadiums hold 20,000 people.
SOUTH: High school football stadiums hold 20,000 people.
Fathers:
NORTH: Expect their daughters to understand Sylvia Plath.
SOUTH: Expect their daughters to understand pass interference.
Campus Decor:
NORTH: Statues of founding fathers.
SOUTH: Statues of Heisman trophy winners.
Homecoming Queen:
NORTH: Also a physics major.
SOUTH: Also Miss America.
Cheerleaders:
NORTH: If you are slightly coordinated, you make the varsity squad.
SOUTH: You begin cheer camp at age two, complete with ballet, dance and
gymnastic training.
Heroes:
NORTH: Rudy Guliani
SOUTH: Archie & Peyton Manning
Getting Tickets:
NORTH: 5 days before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus
and purchase tickets.
SOUTH: 5 months before the game you walk into the ticket office on
campus & put name on the waiting list.
Friday Classes After a Thursday Night Game:
NORTH: Students and teachers not sure they're going to the game, because
they have classes on Friday.
SOUTH: Teachers cancel Friday classes because they don't want to see the
few hung-over students that might actually make it to class.
Parking:
NORTH: An hour before game time, the University opens the campus for
game parking.
SOUTH: RVs sporting their school flags begin arriving on Wednesday for
the weekend festivities. The really faithful arrive on Tuesday.
Game Day:
NORTH: A few students party in the dorm and watch ESPN on TV.
SOUTH: Every student wakes up, has a beer for breakfast, and rushes over
to where ESPN is broadcasting "Game Day Live" to get on camera and wave
to the idiots up north.
Tailgating:
NORTH: Raw meat on a grill, beer with lime in it, listening to local
radio station with truck tailgate down.
SOUTH: 30-foot custom pig-shaped smoker fires up at dawn. Cooking
accompanied by live performance by "Dave Matthews' Band," who come over
during breaks and ask for a hit off bottle of bourbon.
Getting to the Stadium:
NORTH: You ask "Where's the stadium?" When you find it, you walk right
in.
SOUTH: When you're near it, you'll hear it. On game day it becomes the
state's third largest city.
Concessions:
NORTH: Drinks served in a paper cup, filled to the top with soda.
SOUTH: Drinks served in a plastic cup with the home team's mascot on it,
filled less than halfway with soda, to ensure enough room for bourbon.
When National Anthem is Played:
NORTH: Stands are less than half full, and less than half of them
stand-up.
SOUTH: 100,000 fans, all standing, sing along in perfect four-part
harmony.
The Smell in the Air After the First Score:
NORTH: Nothing changes.
SOUTH: Fireworks, with a touch of bourbon.
Commentary (Male):
NORTH: "Nice play."
SOUTH: "You dumb Carpetbagger! - tackle him and break his legs."
Commentary (Female):
NORTH: "My, this certainly is a violent sport."
SOUTH: "You dumb Carpetbagger! - tackle him and break his legs."
Announcers:
NORTH: Neutral and paid.
SOUTH: Announcer harmonizes with the crowd in the fight song, with a
tear in his eye because he is so proud of his team.
After the Game:
NORTH: The stadium is empty way before the game ends.
SOUTH: Another rack of ribs goes on the smoker. While somebody goes to
the nearest package store for more bourbon; planning begins for next
week's game.
Nothing else in the universe comes even halfway
close to the glories of Southern football.
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Hooker Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So this guy goes into a whorehouse. Once in the room with the prosttute,
he puts $50 on the table and drops his pants.
The hooker almost faints, the guy has a 18
inch cock.
She says," Hold on pal, I'll lick it, I'll suck it,
but your not sticking that in me."
The man pulls up his pants and picks up his $50 and says, " Screw
that, I can do that myself !"
~~~~~~~~
The young virgin farm boy drives to the big city in search of a
prostitute. He finds one, and explains he has never had sex before.
The hooker says, " No problem, honey."
She undresses the boy, then herself, and lies down on the bed. He crawls
on top of her.
" Okay, stick it in honey.....all the way in....
now pull it out......now put it back in....... now pull it out......."
" For christ sake," says the boy," Will you make up your fucking
mind?"
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Wrestling Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
YOU MIGHT ENJOY WRESTLING TOO
MUCH IF...
* You light your bed on fire and fight your brother in it.
* Your teacher gives you detention, you give them a Stone Cold Stunner
and walk out of class, flashing your middle fingers.
* You leapfrog over people while playing football, then you turn around
and clothesline them.
* You publish a shirt that say's, "David Letterman 1-0 Who's Next?"
* Every time you sit down at a table you consider how easily it might
break if you were to moonsault it.
* You constantly deny that Brian Christopher is your son.
* After you beat someone up, you spray paint their back.
* You chokeslam your cat.
* You elbow smash your dog and turn him/her over for the three count.
* Instead of reading a bedtime story to your kids, you put them in a
sleeper.
* When you put your kids to bed, you tell them to "Rest In Peace."
* You get fired from work then show up the next day wearing a mask.
* Instead of opening a can of tuna you open up a can of whoop ass on
your cat.
* In the school cafeteria, you come up behind a kid and hit him with a
chair and look around for crowd responses.
* You walk down the aisle at a church giving high fives as the people
hold up signs and chant your name.
* You won't come out of your room until your parents play your theme on
the radio.
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Short Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three boys received their grades from their female sex education
instructor.
One got a D+, the second a D- and the third an F.
"One day we should get her for this," said the first boy.
"I agree. We'll grab her..." said the second.
"Yeah," said the third. "And then we'll kick her in the nuts!"
~~~~~
Amy had come to see Dr. Casey. When the shrink began using sexual
terms, she interrupted, "Wait, what is a phallic symbol?" "A phallic
symbol," explained Casey, "represents the phallus." "What's a phallus?"
asked Amy.
"Well," said the analyst, "the best way to explain it is to show you."
He stood up, unzipped his fly and took out his pecker. "This is a
phallus."
"Oh," said the girl. "It's like a penis, only smaller."
~~~~~~~~
A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center. Man:
"What are you doing here today?" Woman: "Oh, I'm here to donate some
blood. They're going to give me $5 for it."
Man: "Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But
they pay me $25."
The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more
before going their separate ways. Several months later, the same man and
woman meet again in the donation center.
Man: "Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?"
Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] "Unh unh."
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LynnLynn's Links
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Surfin Surfari
Product Manuals
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Ward's 1934 Wish Book
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In Days Past!
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Ford's First RV!
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Thumbnail Tools
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Doggie Zone
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Movie Links
Jamacos
http://www.buffaloschips.com/dsdw.htm
Just Walk It ff Sissy
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The Vasectomy Song
http://www.buffaloschips.com/dssss.htm
Kangaroo Court
http://www.buffaloschips.com/dsssaw.htm
Kilted Scotsman
http://www.buffaloschips.com/sdsdd.htm
Robbery
http://www.buffaloschips.com/alkqwoie.htm
Roll Over Donner Pass
http://www.buffaloschips.com/sdskdjs.htm
Russian Bar Trio
http://www.buffaloschips.com/sdkldkl.htm
Snow Plow
http://www.buffaloschips.com/laksaoiw.htm
The 1
http://www.buffaloschips.com/salksalka.htm
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Mouse Chips
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Back in her drinking days, Donna walks into a bar and asks for a
beer and a shot of whiskey. A few minutes later the bartender hands
her the order. Donna drinks the beer and pours the shot of whiskey
into her pocketbook. She orders another round of the same, so the
bartender takes Donna's two glasses and refills them. Once again,
Donna drinks the beer and pours the shot of whiskey into her
pocketbook.
The bartender says, "Look Miss, I don't mean to bug you, but my
curiosity is killing me. Why do you keep pouring the shots into your
pocketbook?"
Donna says, "It's none of your damn business! And if you be givin'
me a hard time, Ill be breakin' yer face!"
Suddenly a mouse pops his head out of Donna's pocketbook and says,
"And that goes for your fuckin' cat too."
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Toon Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
call ahead
http://www.buffaloschips.com/flbjhclgvnbvn.htm
call girl
http://www.buffaloschips.com/khdjkgdf.htm
call the paramedic
http://www.buffaloschips.com/kxgjkxcvgc.htm
calorie1
http://www.buffaloschips.com/vgkjdfkgjdfg.htm
camel toe
http://www.buffaloschips.com/jcbkfcgbfd.htm
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Limerick Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A disgusting young man named McGill,
Made his neighbors exceedingly ill,
Because of his habits,
Involving white rabbits,
And a bird with a flexible bill.
___________________________________
A daredevil skater named Lowe
Leaps barrels arranged in the snow
But is proudest of doing
Some incredible screwing,
Since he's jumped 13 girls in a row!
___________________________________
A daredevil skater named Lowe
Leaps barrels arranged in the snow
But is proudest of doing
Some incredible screwing,
Since he's jumped13 girls in a row!
Ross
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Parting Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My gynecologist was seeing a pregnant patient who had brought along her
younger daughter to the appointment.
The young girl had brought numerous toys, and as the mother hopped up on
the
exam table, the gynecologist made conversation with the youngster.
"My you have a lot of nice toys there", he said.
"I brought them for the baby," she replied.
With a puzzzled look the doctor said, "Well,how is the baby going to
play
with them now?"
The girl replied, "I thought while we were here, you could put them in
there
for me!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn
Vol 2135
The Tree
Into the woods the family goes. Sandi and Rudy are pulling a wagon.
Katie: I am cold. How much further? I am hungry.
Val: I sure do like the snow.
BJ: It has been a really nice wet snow. Everything is so pretty. It
is
nice and still.
Diana: Yes, it is very peaceful.
Katie: Did I mention I am thirsty?
BJ: Well pretty much peaceful.
Diana: Look over there in the clearing, there is one tree by itself.
Rudy: A-Roo!!!!
Sandi: It looks perfect.
BJ: Hand me the axe.
Silence.
Sandi: Do we have to? I mean why can't we just decorate this tree
and let it live?
Val: It should be so.
Diana: Okay, let's do it.
Soon ornaments adorned the tree and only one thing was missing. the
Star at the top.
BJ: Let me hold you Val while you put the star at the top.
Val: Okay.
Soon the star was set at the top of the tree and all stood back from the
Tree and admired their work.
Diana: This seems better here than in our home.
BJ: Yes, it does.
Katie: What will we do for a tree at the house?
Sandi: I have a plan.
To be continued
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Adult Adult
*********************************************
Remember 9/11/01
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Compilation and narrative copyright 2002 by william Brabant
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