Adult Adult
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
I am a bit cooler myself today but I know many of you
are still sweating so I snagged a joke from Paul Benoit.
How Hot Is It?
HOW HOT IS IT?!?
It's So Hot....
....my sweat is sweating.
....the trees are creeping around looking for shade.
....I'm not sure if I'm walking or swimming.
....3 gay people who came out last week have gone back in.
....scientists detected beads of sweat on the Statue of Liberty.
....the senior center is having a Wet T-Shirt Contest.
....cool breezes have just been put on the "endangered species" list.
....hot water now comes out of both taps.
....I'm setting the air conditioner in my car to "Arctic".
....every now and then your ass sizzles and smells like bacon.
....the Greyhound is on the *inside* of the bus.
....the devil's complaining to God about unfair competition.
....my JiffyPopT started popping in the car on the way home
from the grocery store.
....chickens are laying their eggs sunny side up.
....fundamentalists aren't burning any books.
....lava is refusing to come out of the ground.
....my older brother is complaining about hot flashes.
....the parking meters are standing on tiptoe.
....we're eating hot chilies to cool our mouths off.
....the squirrels are leaving their nuts uncovered.
....you get condensation on your butt from the hot water in
the toilet bowl.
....I converted to the metric system just to make me feel better.
....I saw a dog chasing a cat and they were both walking.
....the shadows outside are sweating.
....the Hershey chocolate factory became a milkshake.
....the water in watermelons is boiling on the vine.
....baby powder is an acceptable fashion statement.
....you have to pee facing up because the pee turns into steam.
....the Popsicle timeframe is down to 20 seconds.
....teenage boys look forward to getting the cold shoulder
from girls.
....my dog is afraid to lick himself.
....the NYC taxi driver was wearing an oscillating turban.
....it makes me want to take off my skin and sit in my bones.
....I saw a funeral procession pull into a Dairy Queen.
....your biggest cycling/jogging fear is, "What if I get knocked
out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?!"
....you can wash and dry your clothes at the same time.
....the ladies are ovulating hard boiled eggs.
....late-night talk show hosts are all trying to book Ted Williams.
....the water slides at the park just evaporated.
....the AAA Rescue Team had to "unstick" me from my vinyl
car seat.
...."Dick" Cheney tried to waterboard himself.
....a guy at Der Wienerschnitzel was spraying "Solarcaine"
on his weiner.
....you measure the highs with an oven thermometer.
....my air conditioner said F@$# This! and went on vacation.
....it's not just a Heat Wave anymore, it's a Heat Tsunami.
....I'm strapping ice cube trays to my hips.
....all that people are reading is fan magazines.
....I used the glove box in my car to bake a cake.
....Climate Change Deniers had to re-check their Rush Limbaugh
talking points to remind themselves why global warming is NOT true.
....I saw a squirrel trying to put his nuts into a cooler.
....I'm projectile sweating.
....the really hot girls are getting jealous.
....my bathing suit went swimming without me.
....I rode a camel to work today.
....I watched a pot and it boiled anyway.
....I saw a coyote chasing a jackrabbit and they were both
carrying canteens.
....my wife is keeping her panties in the freezer.
....I'm seriously considering a trip to Death Valley to cool off.
....my bed kicked off the covers.
....swimming pools are beginning to feel like hot tubs.
....fireants are taking the day off.
....the cat took a shower by himself.
....squirrels are using potholders to handle their nuts.
....I only air-kissed my wife this morning.
....the temperature on the thermometer is "to be continued".
*****************
The devil called; he'd like his weather back.
Enjoy the chips ... buffalo
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Masturbation Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tips On How To Masturbate
If you're a girl.........
1) Get something small if it's your first time, like a lip gloss
container. Make sure it's got a rounded tip.
2) Put a little water on it.
3) Get yourself on the ground or your bed. Make sure you're comfortable.
4) Put your feet up on something. Make sure they are higher than your
head. Spread your legs.
5) For the ultimate experience, relax first. Just lay there. Think about
nothing. And DON'T BE NERVOUS.
6) Slowly begin to touch your breasts. Feel them (have your eyes closed
or open but if they are open make sure you're not focusing on anything)
7) Keep one hand on your breast and slowly move the other one down to
your thigh. (I did not have underwear but I was wearing pants and a
shirt, loose pants.) Move your hand up and down your thigh while
massaging your breast.
8) With your breast hand, slowly take the lip gloss container or your
object of choice. Your clit might start to get a weird feeling like you
really want to touch it. DON'T.
9) Tease yourself with the object by gently rubbing the spot between
your poophole and vagina. This will drive you nuts. Slowly begin to
touch and massage the part right above the hole. (I suggest you know
where it is before you start all this.)
10) Rub for a while. Gently, occasionally harder but not too hard yet.
11) At this point you should be aching to rub harder and just get going.
Again, don't. If you do not feel this yet, continue the teasing, very
gently.
12) Slowly move your fingers to the hole, don't put them in, but just
finger it softly.
13) Take your object and place it near the hole and your other hand.
Take your free hand off the hole and start to massage your clit harder.
(That's the spot above the hole)
14) Slowly stick the object in. Gently, it shouldn't feel good yet. It
might hurt a small amount going in. That means you've bumped a sensitive
spot. That's not a bad thing, just angle it a little and keep going.
15) Once it's in as far as it can be without losing it to your pussy,
begin slowly moving it in and out a little. Don't take it all the way
out, just a little. Get faster, and faster. Start massaging your clit
HARD. Go nuts. You might feel like your on the brink of an orgasm. You
might have one. This feels very good.
16) Then stick it in all the way and start pushing it back and forth
hitting the sides of your hole. Faster, faster. Massage clit again.
17) Repeat steps 15 and 16 as much as you want. If you take it out for
longer than 30 seconds, I suggest you excite yourself again with the
teasing. If you do, it will be worse. Since you have already done it,
you're going to want it worse.
18) I would stop with the lip gloss for now, don't go on to something
bigger. Save that for another night. You could be sore after this but
you shouldn't be unless you used something large.
If you're a boy.......
1)Read this.
2)Rub penis.
Heather
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Tiger Chips
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A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to
consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband,
"I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin." The husband
replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age." The wife
continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the
guy?" "Tiger Woods." "Tiger Woods, the golfer?" "Yeah." "Well, he's
rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."
The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are done,
the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you
doing?"
asks the wife. The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call
room service and get something to eat." "Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah?
What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it a second
time."
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a
second time.
When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what
are you doing?" she asks. The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I
was going to get room service to get something to eat." "Tiger
wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd comeback to bed and do it
again."
The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one
more time. When they finish, he's tired and beat. He drags himself
over to the phone and starts to dial. The wife asks, "Are you
calling room service?" "No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out
what's par for this damn hole!"
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Joe Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A bunch of guys were sitting around the break room talking about sex
and women of course and in comes Joe Schmo.
One guy says to the other guys, "Man I just don't understand it.
That guy Joe is just an average ordinary looking guy who doesn't
have a lot of money and he gets all the women he wants with the snap
of his fingers."
"What the hell does he got that I haven't got?"
And this other guy who is an old timer and has been around awhile
looks at the guy and says, "Son let me ask you a question. When you
go to the bathroom and you get done whizzing, do you shake your
penis with your hand to get off the excess urine?"
And the other guy is kind of puzzled but he says "Well yeah. Of
course I do."
"But what does that have to do with Joe getting all the women?"
The old timer looks him in the eye and says "Well son, Ol' Joe over
there when he gets done taking a piss, he doesn't shake it, He Kicks
It!"
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Next Best Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This guy went into a bar, sat down on a stool, and ordered a Bloody
Mary. The bartender said, "Sorry, we don't have that, but we've got
the next best thing."
The guy asked, "Okay, what is it," and the bartender said, "We've
got a Harry Man." The guy said, "No thanks."
Then the guy asked, "How about a virgin?" and the bartender replied,
"Sorry, we don't have that either.
But we got the next best thing."
The guy asked, irritated, "Okay, what is it?" The bartender replied,
"We got a Furry Belly."
The guy looked around and saw everyone drinking and said, "All
right, fine, I'll have one."
So the guy had about five, and when he was finished the bartender
walked over to him and told him how much he had to pay. He reaches
deep down inside his pocket and pulls out a couple handfuls of food
stamps.
The bartender looked at the food stamps and said, "Hey, this isn't
money!"
And the guy says, "I know, but it's the next best thing."
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Urinal Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Darrell was standing at a urinal in a bar bathroom when this
enormous guys walks in, unzips his pants and exposes the biggest
dick in the world -- four feet long, five inches thick and violently
red and angry.
The monster looks at Darrell, grabs his huge dick with both hands,
like holding a baseball bat, and gives it an almighty swing,
smashing the porcelain sink to pieces!
He growls and leers at the now frightened Darrell, looks around and
with another almighty swing, smashes the condom vending machine
right off the wall!
After another hideous growl he slams his huge dick against the side
of the urinal several times, bending the stainless steel into
contorted shapes!
All of a sudden he stops, looks Darrell straight in the eye and
shouts, "The next place this porcelain smashing, vender bending,
urinal destroyer is going... is up your ass buddy!"
With that, Darrell lets out a sigh of relief and says, "Thank God
for that, I thought you were going to HIT me with it."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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LynnLynn's Links
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If You haven't joined LynnLynn's mailing List yet, send a blank
e-mail to LynnLynns-links-subscribe@Yahoogroups.com
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Subscribers and Friends
Melva/An Invatation to Join The Grand Ole Opry
http://silverandgoldandthee.net/V/Gr_Op.html
BROTHER BOB'S POEMS OF THE WEEK
http://ministry-webs.com/ministry/brotherbob/index.html
When Artists Get Bored
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I Had A Feeling
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Surfin Surfari
Thank You Vets Song
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School Math
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Algebra Help
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World's Largest Holes
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Tech Talk ( Computers and Web-tv)
Moz Backup
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Printables
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Universal Extractor
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Animal World
Kitty Korner
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Ricochet The Surf Dog
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Men Invented Everything
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Mouse
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Movie
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Mozart
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Neumaticob
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Shit Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mathematician: Shit happening is just a special case...
Statistician: There is an 83.7% chance that shit will happen.
Maybe.
Physicist (Theoretical): Shit SHOULD happen.
Physicist (Experimental): To within experimental error, shit DID
happen.
Engineer: I hope this shit holds together.
Chemist: I hope this shit doesn't blow up.
Biologist: Is this shit alive?
Economist: I hope no one figures out that I don't really understand
this
shit.
Beurocrat: I'm sorry, but we make this shit happen until you fill
out
form XJ-314159 to make an appointment with our Assistant Sub-Deputy
Manager to obtain form ZN-271828...
CEO: (1980's) I've got all the shit I want. (1990's) Oh, SHIT!
Lawyer: For a sufficient fee, I can get you out of ANY shit.
Doctor: Take two shits and call me in the morning.
Surgeon: Shit, where's this organ supposed to go?
Psychologist: Shit is in your mind. Everything that happens is shit;
some of it is just repressing its subconscious shittiness.
Programmer: It's shit, but at least it compiles.
Social Scientist: Let's pretend that shit doesn't happen...
Politician: It's shit, but it'll get me elected. If you elect me,
shit
will never again happen. Shit happening is bad for the economy.
Waitress: You want fries with that shit?
Musician: This shit is out of tune.
Dean: Let's see how much shit the faculty'll take.
Accountant: Why doesn't this shit add up?
Linguist: What I'm doing is a bunch of feces tauri.
Quality Control Inspector: This shit ain't good enough.
IRS Auditor: I'll make 'em squirm for putting this shit on their tax
forms.
Farmer: I get subsidies for my shit.
Union leader: Give us more shit or we'll strike.
Mafia boss: Rub the little shits out.
NYC Cab Driver: Damn, looks like I hit that shit...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Toon Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
catch of the day
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caught2
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cause of a blackout
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caution
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cave man
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Limerick Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was a young woman named Susan
Who found it completely amusin'
To make love to three men
Although who did what when
Was frequently rather confusin'.
________________________________
Thanks to sex, a young woman named Carol
Looked delightful in model's apparel.
The slimming effect
Was best, I suspect,
When her man had her over a barrel.
________________________________
Any yard work, to me, is not play.
To my wife words of praise I did say:
"When you're out cutting grass,
You're my favorite lass,
And I lawn for you mower each day."
(Kirk Miller)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Parting Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with
his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and
said, 'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa
went to heaven?'
Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my
bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me
feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my
boyfriend.'
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She
started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus.
Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix
the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the
door and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, 'Hello
son, is your Grandma home?'
The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her
boyfriend.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn
Vol 1806
The Book of Sandi
Thou Shalt have no other before my Daddy
Thou Shalt not take my Daddy's name in vain
I Shall sleep with my Daddy every night
I Shall follow my Daddy when he is at home
You will not come between me and my food
When I hunt, I eat what I kill
I will defend my Daddy to the Death
I love my Rudy
I love being a mother
I love my home
I love my family
The herd in Guthrie
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Adult Adult
*********************************************
Remember 9/11/01
Regarding any problems unsubscribing from this mailing list
In accordance with the 2004 Can-Spam act you can contact me at:
William Brabant
711 Pine Street Apt.1
Sault Ste Marie Michigan 49783
To unsubscribe send a blank e-mail to Buffalos-adult-jokes-unsubscribe@egroups.com
Compilation and narrative copyright 2002 by william Brabant
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