Adult Adult
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
When you are the buffalo and you ask a question you get some
very good answers back, some short and to the point and some
very precise and lengthy. Here is what I received on the Popsicle
division question yesterday.
I have always had good luck by putting the break line over a 90
Degree
counter or table edge at 45 Deg. and striking it with the heel of my
hand
along the line parallel.
Wabbit in NC
Score both sides in between the popsicles with sharp knife.
Daniel
Use the corner of the Fridge, while it is still in the paper, and
push.
Andrew Gabryszak
Break it while it is still in the wrapper. Both hands and bend toward
the middle.
Clean and neat.
Jerry Moore
And my favorite from Mojo
Blessing of first harvest (Lughnassadh) to all the Herd. Contrary to
popular rumour I am still taking up some space on the Earth's surface.
Da Herdmeister asked "P.S. Does anyone know the secret to breaking a
popsicle in half without ending up with 3 or four pieces?"
Your question prompted me with a challenge I haven't had for a
while... writing technical instructions on how to neatly break apart
the halves of a Popsicle (chocolate RULES!!!)
To start with rip one end of the bag open and, forming a seal across
the opening with your lips, blow gently but forcefully into the bag
to separate paper from ice pop. Then place the Popsicle or its
generic equivalent (which rarely seem to come in chocolate, dammit)
with the center depression between halves placed firmly against a 90°
edge,preferable with a round of no more than a 2-3 mm radius, the
corner edge of a table or doorframe works well. place the heel of
your dominant hand onto the outer surface of the pop at right angles
so it so it nestles into, and presses equally on both sides of the
central depression, OVER THE PORTION HOUSING THE TOPS OF THE STICKS.
Place your other hand across the first as if you were doing CPR
(Cardio-Pulmonary Resuscitation) compressions (if you don't know CPR
the Red Cross, St. John's Ambulance and many other organizations have
inexpensive, sometimes free courses in this essential art. It is
something everyone should know and even moreso if you are addicted
to, as they say in French, les popsicles.
Apply pressure gently and with incresing magnitude until you feel the
ice pop distinctly start to give then release pressure (continued
pressure at this point can cause transverse fractures due to the cup
shape of the palm of the hand).
Hold the pop infront of you with one face toward you and place one
thumb 1/4 of the way down in the trough, and the other 1/4 the way up
from the bottom of the side facing you, then spread the fingers of
your hands along the length of the far side of the icy delight and
focussing like Bruce Lee breaking bricks, press gently but firmly
away with your thumbs, pulling with your fingers toward you.
Voilà. You ( to a 98% certainty have two reasonably equal
longitudinally oriented halves of nature's most perfect means of
rehydrating yourself and moderating your body temperature in
these 'dog days' of summer. and just maybe they help bring you back
to your kid roots.
NOTE: Should these instructions fail to produce satisfactory results
and you wind up with a fragmented pop anyway, put the damn thing in a
bowl and pick up pieces with your fingers (or a spoon if you are
fastidious to the point of being anal retentive) and enjoy anyway.
(Alternatively, they may be packed in dry ice and shipped at your
expense to the author and he will dispose of the sordid evidence of
your failure, enabling you to avoid social embarrassment and the
resultant pariah status it can cause.)
Anything for a friend.
My only gripe about Popsicle®s is that what I used to pay a nickel
for when I was a young'un, and well into my teens, now costs anywhere
up to and including 85 cents (convenience pricing), a 17-fold
increase. I know it costs them more to make them, probably as much as
2 or 3 cents a unit, but this is enough to make a bald cat throw a
hairball. They are raping our innocence and the innocence of today's
children. It could be justified if they were made with real fruit
juice but we are talking water, artificial and natural flavours and
colours here. Even Freshie® and Kool-Aid® have increased by this
margin. (the latter two are best made with 1½ quarts of water (about
2 litres) and two tablespoons of sugar maximum or the equivalent in
Sugar Twin® or whatever.)
Hope the Herd is keeping out of the heat (or cold if you are living
down under) and everyone is doing better.
Still breathingly,
— mojo
Enjoy the chips, I am going to break a few Popsicles and eat my
mistakes.
buffalo
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Civilian Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Civilians,
We know that the current state of affairs in our great nation have
many civilians up in arms and excited to join the military. For those
of you who can't join, you can still lend a hand. Here are a few of
the areas we would like your assistance with:
1) The next time you see an adult talking during the playing of the
National anthem ... kick their ass.
2) When you witness firsthand someone burning the American Flag in
protest ... kick their ass.
3) Regardless of the rank they held while they served, pay the highest
amount of respect to all veterans. If you see anyone doing otherwise,
quietly pull them aside and explain how these Veterans fought for the
very freedom they bask in every second. Enlighten them on the many
sacrifices these Veterans made to make this Nation great. Then hold
them down while the Veteran kicks their ass.
4) If you are not in the military, DO NOT pretend that you are.
Wearing battle dress uniforms (BDU's), telling others that you used to
be "Special Forces," and collecting GI Joe memorabilia might have been
okay if you were still seven, but now it will only get your ass
kicked. (Veterans are exempt from this rule)
5) If you witness someone calling an enlisted Marine "Sir," stand back
.. a Marine will kick their ass.
6) Next time you come across an Air Force member, do not ask them, "Do
you fly a jet?" Not everyone in the Air Force is a pilot. Such
ignorance deserves an ass kickin (children are exempt).
7) Roseanne Barr's singing of the National Anthem is not a blooper ...
it was a disgrace and disrespectful. Laugh, and sooner or later your
ass will be kicked.
8) Next time Old Glory prances by during a parade, get on your damn
feet and pay homage to her by placing your hand over your heart and
quietly thank the military member or veteran lucky enough to be
carrying her ... of course, failure to do either of those will earn
you a severe ass kicking.
9) What Jane Fonda did during the Vietnam War makes her the enemy. The
proper word to describe her is "traitor." Hate her or else (asses will
be kicked).
10) Don't try to discuss politics with a military member or a veteran.
We are Americans and we all bleed the same regardless of our party
affiliation. Our Chain of Command, to include our commander in Chief
.. the President ... (for those who didn't know) is all that we
acknowledge. We have no inside track on what happens inside those big
important buildings where all those "representatives" meet. All we
know is that when those civilian representatives screw up the
situation, they call upon the military to go straighten it out. The
military member might direct you to Oliver North. (I can see him
kicking your ass already.)
11) "Your mama wears combat boots" never made sense to me ... stop
saying it! If she did, she would most likely kick your ass!
12) Bin Laden and the Taliban are not communists, so stop saying
"Let's go kill those Commie's!!!" And stop asking us where he is!!!!
Crystal balls are not standard issue in the military. That reminds me
.. if you see anyone calling those damn psychic phone numbers; let me
know, so I can go kick their ass.
13) Last but not least, whether or not you become a member of the
military, support our troops and their families. Every Thanksgiving
and religious holiday that you enjoy with family and friends please
remember that there are, literally, thousands of troops overseas
wishing they could be with their families. Thank God for our military
and the sacrifices they make every day. Without them, our country
would get its ass kicked.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Men Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Undressing
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Your Orgasm
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Postcoital Bliss
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Short Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was a schoolteacher in the little old school which was teaching
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One of the little girls there asked, "According to the Bible, it says
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The teacher replied, "Yes, dear, that is true, according to the Word
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The girl responded, "Daddy always told me it is Ladies before
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Vickie was letting John have it with just a touch more venom than
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A big 300 pound, seven foot brute of a man walked into a bar one
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everyone a drink except that gay guy over there" The gay guy asks the
bartender for two ice cubes. The bartender asks why, and the gay guy
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cock
that big sonofabitch!
A pretty woman, carrying a stack of boxes from a shopping spree, was
walking down the street when all of a sudden a strong wind lifts her
skirt. The hillbilly standing nearby just looked and smiled. The woman
snaps at him, "Well, I can see that you're no gentleman!" The
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Q: What's the difference between Virginia and West Virginia?
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A: In West Virginia it's a misdemeanor.
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Bob And Tom Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
From the "Bob and Tom" website:
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at
all
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- Bob Kevoian
"I'm not racist. I think racism is gay."
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"What does a monkey spank?"
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"Kids know a lot more about arson than we give them credit for."
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"Bob, I really enjoy it when you're on golf trips."
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"If Jesus chewed tobacco would he be called the King of the Chews?"
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"That Army/ Navy football rivalry isn't very fair. They play on land
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year."
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"Can you pose dead people like the world's biggest G. I. Joe?"
- Chick McGee
"Visa's got a hitman looking for me."
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"A Cuban is just a Puerto Rican with a boat."
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"There are two easy passages into the US for Cubans. There's the
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"We've gone through space like a 99¢ store... there's nothing left.
Why
are
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"They make vegetarian Hot Pockets now. For those of us that don't eat
meat,
but still want diarrhea."
- Jim Gaffigan
"The key to good parenting is to not talk to your children."
- Bob Kevoian
"I've never knew my birth parents so I don't know anything about my
heritage.
All I can figure about my culture is that they give their kids away."
- John Rathbone on being adopted
"I love smoking. I even wear the patch at night so I don't miss out on
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- John Rathbone
"In Paris, KY do they have the Eiffel Silo?"
- Tom Griswold
"My golden rule is to have a big fat camera man. I can't outrun a
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but
I
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- Jeff Corwin, nature show host
"The difference between the doctor's office and prison is the
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"I want to wear Chick's ass like a hat."
- From a letter to BOB&TOM
"Masturbation is the highway to health."
- Chick McGee
"It's not rock & roll without a finger up your butt."
- Kristi on Procktober
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- Chick McGee
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Answer Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Answers Men Would Like to Give to
Woman's Stupid Questions,
But Never Will
1. No we can't be friends; I just want you for sex.
2. The dress doesn't make you look fat, its all that fucking
ice cream and chocolate you eat that makes you look fat.
3. You've got no chance of me calling you.
4. No, I won't be gentle.
5. Of course you have to swallow.
6. Well yes actually, I do this all the time.
7. I hate your friends.
8. I have every intention of using you, and no intention of
speaking to you after tonight.
9. I'd rather watch a porno.
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Quiz Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show, where you
have to answer questions to win the cash prize.
Lady luck had smiled in her favor, as Jane had gained a substantial
lead
over her opponents. She even managed to win the game, but
unfortunately,
time had run out before the show's host could ask her the big
question.
Needless to say, Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was
nervous and fidgety as her husband drove them home.
"I've just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answers are. You
know I'm not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like
garbage tomorrow!"
"Relax, honey," her husband, Roger, reassured her. "It will all be
OK."
Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and
started heading out the door.
"Where are you going?" Jane asked.
"I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon" he replied.
Jane waited impatiently for Roger's return. After an agonizing 3 hour
absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked
grin. "Honey, I
managed to get tomorrow's question and answer!"
"What is it?" she cried excitedly.
"OK. The question is: 'What are the three main parts of the male
anatomy?'
And the answer is 'The head, the heart, and the penis.'"
Shortly after that, the couple went to sleep, with Jane, now feeling
confident and at ease, plummeting into a deep and restful slumber. At
3:30 in the morning, however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was
asking her the quiz show question.
"The head, the heart, and the penis," Jane replied groggily before
returning to sleep.
And Roger asked her again in the morning, this time as Jane was
brushing
her teeth. Once again, Jane replied correctly. So it was that Jane was
once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though she knew the
question and answer, she could feel the butterflies conquering her
stomach and nervousness running through her veins.
The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience
of
the previous days events, faced Jane and asked the big question.
"Jane, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy? You
have 10 seconds."
"Hmm, uhm, the head?" she said nervously. "Very good. Six
seconds." "Eh,
uh, the heart?" "Very good! Four seconds."
"I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last night
and I
had it on the tip of my tongue this morning..."
"That's close enough," said the game show host, "CONGRATULATIONS!
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tombstone Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
TOMBSTONE SAYINGS
Here lies the body of
Edward Hyde.
We laid him here
because he died!
____________
In Memory of Beza Wood
Departed this life
Nov. 2, 1837
Aged 45 yrs.
Here lies one Wood
Enclosed in wood
One Wood
Within another.
The outer wood
Is very good:
We cannot praise
The other.
____________
Forest Lawn, Hollywood Hills,
Los Angeles, California
I D0N'T WANT TO TALK
ABOUT IT NOW.
____________
OWEN MOORE
Gone away
Owin' more
Than he could pay
____________
Here lies Clyde
Whose life was full
Until he tried
to milk a bull
Ross
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Toon Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Damn Rex
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Limerick Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was a naive chicken farmer,
Fell victim to some misinformer.
Strapped hens to his chest
To make a down vest
In layers, he thought he'd stay warmer.
(Gary Hallock)
____________
A publisher went off to France
In search of a tale of romance.
A Parisian lady
Told a story so shady,
The publisher made an advance.
____________
Little Bo Peep, has lost her sheep,
And doesn't know where to find 'em...
But a search revealed,
They were out in the field,
With Little Boy Blue behind 'em.
Ross
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Parting Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A worried father telephoned his family doctor and said that he was
afraid
that his teenaged son had come down with V.D.
"He says he hasn't had sex with anyone but the maid, so it has to be
her."
"Don't worry so much," advised the doctor. "These things happen."
"I know, doctor," said the father, "but I have to admit that I've
been
sleeping with the maid also. I seem to have the same symptoms."
"That's unfortunate.
"Not only that, I think I've passed it to my wife."
"Oh God," said the doc, "That means we all have it."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Bonus Chip
~~~~~~~~~~~~
The husband and wife were undressing one night when she said, "Joyce
and Mary were talking about their husbands' anatomy today.
Joyce said that her husband filled out his shorts so well that they
hired him to model jockey shorts."
Her husband said, "So?"
"Then Mary said her husband go so long and hard taht they hired him
to model condoms."
"I hope you stood up for me," he said.
"I did," his wife replied." I told them you could be a model,
too." "Thank you." ""If," she went on, "anybody needed a model for a
cocktail weiner."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn
Vol 1042
The Quest
Katie: Sandi you might want to put on your best outfit today.
Sandi: Why?
Katie: Oh it is just an idea.
Sandi: What is the matter with my overalls?
Katie: Go put something on a little more girlish okay?
Sandi: Well, okay...
a few minutes later..
Katie: Sandi..you just put on a pair of pink overalls.
Sandi: They are more girlish, they are pink.
Katie: Sigh! I guess this will have to do. Here let me
spray some perfume on you....squirt squirt...
Sandi: What is this all about?
Katie: Oh nothing....Oh look here comes Rudy and he is
all dressed up.
Sandi blushing...: Why he is a dashing figure of a dog.
To be continued
the herd in Guthrie
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Adult Adult Adult
Remember 9/11/01
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