THE POSTMAN
so on New Years eve, I went to the liquor store.
She does not drink, would not take me,
so I rode my bike. On the way home,
I put the bottle on the bike and then thought, well
what if I fall. So, I drank the whole bottle before I
came home. Turned out to be a good decision, I fell
several times on the way.
ENJOY THE JOKES
A Jewish father was concerned about his son who was about a year away
from his Bar Mitzvah, but was sorely lacking in his knowledge of the Jewish faith.
To remedy this, he sent his son to Israel to experience his heritage.
A year later the young man returned home. "Father, thank you for sending me to the
land of our fathers," the son said. "It was wonderful and enlightening; however, I must
confess that while in Israel I converted to Christianity.""Oi vey," replied the father, "what
have I done?" So, in the tradition of the patriarchs, he went to his best friend and sought
his advice and solace."It is amazing that you should come to me," stated his friend. "I, too,
sent my son to Israel and he returned a Christian." So in the tradition of the patriarchs,
they went to the Rabbi."It is amazing that you should come to me," stated the Rabbi.
"I, too sent my son to Israel and he returned a Christian. What is happening to our sons?
Brothers, we must take this to the Lord." They fell to their knees and began to pour out their
hearts to the Almighty.As they prayed, the clouds above opened and a mighty voice said,
"Amazing that you should come to Me. I, too, sent My Son to Israel..."
To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own, grandchildren,
nieces and nephews, or students ...here is something to make you laugh.Whenever your
children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence
did not extend to His own children.After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve.
And the first thing he said was, "Don't.""Don't what?" Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit," God said."Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve ...
we have forbidden fruit!"
"No way!"
"Yes, way!"
"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.
"Why?"
"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, (wondering why he hadn't stopped
creation after making the elephants).
A few minutes later, God saw his children having an apple break and was he ticked!
"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God, as our first parent, asked?
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you?" said the Father.
"I don't know," said Eve.
"She started it!" Adam said.
"Did not!"
"Did too!"
"DID NOT!"
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should
have children of their own. Thus, the pattern was set and it has never changed! But there is
reassurance in this story. If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and
they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what made
you think it would be a piece of cake for you?
Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on
the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."You spend the first 2
years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them
to sit down and shut-up.Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your children.
Mothers of teens know why animals eat their young.
I asked Mom if I was a gifted child ... she said they certainly wouldn't have paid for me.
The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children
more awful than your own.
We child proofed our home 3 years ago and they're still getting in!
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
The first mate on a ship decided to celebrate an occasion with a "little" stowed away rum.
Unfortnately he got drunk and was still drunk the next morning. The captain saw him drunk and
when the first mate was sober, showed him the following entry in the ship's log: "The first mate
was drunk today.""Captain please don't let that stay in the log", the mate said. "This could add months
or years to my becoming a captain myself."
"Is it true?" asked the captain, already knowing the answer.
"Yes, its true" the mate said. "Then if it is true it has to go in the log. That's the rule. If its true it
goes into the log, end of discussion" said the captain sternly.
Weeks later, it was the first mate's turn to make the log entries. The first mate wrote: "The ship seems
in good shape. The captain was sober today."
how to be a grownup
Tony
when I was 2
mowing the lawn
changed my password
distracted
not saying
Olympic condoms
because of Trump
what I am looking for
my new medical alert bracelet
the toad stool
you're the reason
a special man
mom what is that
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