Adult Adult
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
I got up this morning figuring that it was the fourth of July using
the
Monday rule and wrote an intro based on that idea. I called Nancy
and talked to her for a bit about cookout plans which I also thought
was today and then I called out to ask her another question and she
had left for work. That seemed strange so I called my mom and found
out she was at work too. I hate our holiday system in this country.
But
on the subject of holidays, if you need something to celebrate here
is a list of holidays you may have forgotten.
Bizarre Holidays in July
July 1 is Creative Ice Cream Flavor Day and Build A Scarecrow Day
July 2 is Visitation Of The Virgin Mary Day
July 3 is Stay Out Of The Sun Day and Compliment Your Mirror Day
July 4 is National Country Music Day and Tom Sawyer Fence-Painting
Day
July 5 is Workaholics Day
July 6 is National Fried Chicken Day
July 7 is National Strawberry Sundae Day
July 8 is Video Games Day
July 9 is National Sugar Cookie Day
July 10 is Clerihew Day
July 11 is National Cheer Up The Lonely Day
July 12 is National Pecan Pie Day
July 13 is Fool's Paradise Day
July 14 is National Nude Day
July 15 is National Tapioca Pudding Day and Respect Canada Day
July 16 is International Juggling Day
July 17 is National Peach Ice Cream Day
July 18 is National Ice Cream Day and National Caviar Day
July 19 is Flitch Day
July 20 is Ugly Truck Contest Day
July 21 is National Tug-Of-War Tournament Day
July 22 is Ratcatcher's Day
July 23 is National Vanilla Ice Cream Day
July 24 is Amelia Earhart Day
July 25 is Threading The Needle Day
July 26 is All Or Nothing Day
July 27 is Take Your Pants For A Walk Day
July 28 is National Milk chocolate Day
July 29 is Cheese Sacrifice Purchase Day
July 30 is National Cheesecake Day
July 31 is Parent's Day
Flitch Day
An old custom from yesteryear developed into the holiday of Flitch
Day. Bacon was given to any married couple who could prove they had
lived in harmony and fidelity for one year. Very few "took home the
bacon".
Today also marks the anniversary of the incident at Roswell New Mexico
50 years ago and also the disappearance of Amelia Earhart 70 years
ago. Just a couple of more good reasons to be careful out there
because
it's Monday again.... buffalo
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Navy Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hi Bill, loyal long time reader Dave here. Came across this
yesterday, and
thought you might enjoy. Stay well.
30 Ways to Simulate Being in the Navy When You're at Home
1. Lock all friends and family outside. Your only means of
communication should be with letters that your neighbors have held
for at least three weeks, discarding two of five.
2. Surround yourself with 200 people that
you don't really know or like: people who
smoke, snore like Mack trucks going uphill,
and use foul language like a child uses
sugar on cereal.
3. Unplug all radios and TVs to completely cut yourself off from the
outside
world.
Have a neighbor bring you a Time, Newsweek,
or Proceedings from five years ago to
keep you abreast of current events.
4. Monitor all home appliances hourly, recording all vital
information (ie: plugged in, lights come on when doors open, etc)
5. Do not flush the toilet for five days to simulate
the smell of 40 people using the same commode.
6. Lock the bathroom twice a day for a four hour
period.
7. Wear only military uniforms. Even though nobody cares, clean and
press one dress uniform and wear it for 20 minutes.
8. Cut your hair weekly, making it shorter each time, until you look
bald or look like you lost a fight with a demented sheep.
9. Work in 19 hour cycles, sleeping only four hours at a time, to
ensure that your body does not know or even care if it is day or
night.
10. Listen to your favorite CD 6 times a day for
two weeks, then play music that causes acute nausea
until you are glad to get back to your favorite CD.
11. Cut a twin mattress in half and enclose three sides of your bed.
Add a roof that prevents you from sitting up (about 10 inches is a
good distance) then place it on a platform that is four feet off the
floor. Place a small dead animal under the bed to simulate the smell
of your bunkmate's socks.
12. Set your alarm to go off at 10 minute intervals for the first
hour of sleep to simulate the various times the watchstanders and
night crew bump around and wake you up. Place your bed on a rocking
table to ensure you are tossed around the remaining three hours.
Make use of a custom clock that randomly simulates fire alarms,
police sirens, helicopter crash alarms, and a new wave rock band.
13. Have week old fruit and vegetables delivered
to your garage and wait two weeks before eating them.
14. Prepare all meals blindfolded using all the
spices you can grope for, or none at all. Remove
the blindfold and eat everything in three minutes.
15. Periodically, shut off all power at the main circuit breaker and
run around shouting "fire, fire, fire" and then restore power.
16. At least once a month, force the commode to overflow to simulate
a 'black water system' boo boo.
17. Buy a gas mask and smear it with rancid animal fat. Scrub the
face shield with steel wool until you can no longer see out of it.
Wear this for two hours every fifth day especially when you are in
the bathroom.
18. Study the owner's manual for all household appliances.
Routinely take an appliance apart and put it back together.
19. Remove all plants, pictures and decorations. Paint everything
gray, white, or the shade of hospital smocks.
20. Buy 50 cases of toilet paper and lock up all but two rolls.
Ensure one of these two rolls is wet all the time.
21. Smash your forehead or shins with a
hammer every two days to simulate collision
injuries sustained onboard Navy ships.
22. When making sandwiches, leave
the bread out for six days, or until it is
hard and stale.
23. Every 10 weeks, simulate a visit to
another port. Go directly to the city slums wearing your best
clothes. Find the worst looking place, and ask for the most
expensive beer that they carry. Drink as many as you can in four
hours. Take a cab home taking the longest possible route. Tip the
cabby after he charges you double because you dress funny and don't
speak right.
24. Use fresh milk for only two days after each port visit.
25. Keep the bedroom thermostat at 2 degrees C and use only a thin
blanket for warmth.
26. Ensure that the water heater is connected to a device that
provides water at a flow rate that varies from a fast drip to a weak
trickle, with the temperature alternating rapidly from 2 to 95
degrees C.
27. Use only spoons which hold a minimum of 1/2 cup at a time.
28. Repaint the interior of your home every month, whether it needs
it or not.
29. Stand outside at attention at dawn and have the poorest reader
you know read the morning paper out loud. Be sure to have him skip
over anything pertinent.
30. Every four hours, check the fluid level in your car's radiator.
Check the tire pressure and replace air lost from excessive pressure
checks. Be sure to place red tag on ignition stating "DANGER: DO NOT
OPERATE" while you perform these checks. Inform your neighbor as to
the results of these checks, have him tell you to repeat the checks
because he did not see you perform them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Toon Chips For Those Who Can't Wait
Cram
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No Place Like Home
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Notes
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Back To Life
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Something In His Shorts http://www.ezines4a
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Therapy Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed. "Doc,
you've got to help me. I can't go on like this."
"What's the problem?" the doctor inquired.
"Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No
matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away."
"My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on
your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the
bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun
person, an attractive person. But say it with real conviction.
Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you."
The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office
a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same
downtrodden expression on his face. "Did my advice not work?" asked
the doctor.
"It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of
the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women."
"So, what's your problem?"
"I don't have a problem," the man replied. "My wife does."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Short Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was havin' a cold one and watching the game, down at Fisherman's
pier with one of the new members of the Saturday Bikini Watcher's
Club. When I get home, I'm gonna rip the wife's panties off !"
-
Surprised at what I perceived as a bad case of mid-day horniness, I
asked, "What's the rush?"
-
He replied, "The damn elastic in the legs is killing me!"
Two men were overheard talking about the infidelities of an office
Romeo.
"I do not know how he gets away with it," said one fellow. "The only
thing I've ever done behind my wife's back is to zip her up.
The call girl had just arrived and half a minute later she was flat
on her back in bed, completely nude. "I've heard of passionate men,"
she exclaimed, "but you are exceptional. What's the big hurry?"
"Well, you see," admitted her client, "I forgot I'd sent for you and
I just took a sleeping pill."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Funeral Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Muldoon had died from dysentery. When they went to prepare him for
burial, he was still excreting. The undertaker thought about it for a
moment, then went out and returned with a large cork.
A couple of hours later, O'Shawnessy and Ryan came to carry the body
down to the living room for the wake. Ryan led the way as they walked
slowly down the stairs. All the guests stood about with their heads
bowed.
Suddenly the cork came out and excretion came pouring down on top of
Ryan's head. He promptly dropped the body and the corpse went hurtling
down the stairs.
The undertaker rushed up to Ryan. "What the hell did you do, man?"
And Ryan said calmly, "Listen, man, if that bastard can shit, he can
walk!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Honeymoon Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three couples were married and stayed at the same hotel for their
honeymoons, where they were all taken care of by Joe the Bellboy. The
first man married a nurse. Joe showed them to their room and thought
to
himself, "What a lucky guy. Nurses are known to be hot to trot". The
second man married a telephone operator. Joe showed them to their room
and thought to himself,"Wow, he's a lucky one. Telephone operators
have
sexy voices and once you pop that top button..." The third man
married a
school teacher. Joe showed them to their room and thought to himself
"poor guy, she's pretty but teachers are just too frigid". The next
morning Joe reported to work at 5:30 in the morning. He expected only
the teacher's husband to call for breakfast any minute and the other
two
would call much later in the day.
6:00 a.m.
---------
The phone rings it's the nurse's husband wanting breakfast. The
nurse's
husband opened the door and Joe stepped back in shock. The man's
pajamas
were still pressed and his hair nicely combed. Joe asked, "What
happened
sir? You married a nurse. The man sourly replies, "Son, don't ever
marry
a nurse. All I heard last night was her nagging voice saying " you're
not sanitary, you're not sanitary". Joe went back down to the main
desk
to wait for the next call.
6:30 a.m.
--------
The telephone operator's husband calls for breakfast. Joe brings it as
fast as possible hoping for the best. The man opens the door and Joe
stepped back in shock. The man's hair and pajamas were properly combed
and pressed. Joe asks," What happened? Telephone operators are suppose
to be as sexy as their voices." The man sourly replies "Son, don't
ever
marry a telephone operator. All I heard last night was her a nasal
voice
saying, "your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up." Joe
went
back down to the desk, just knowing the teachers husband will be
calling
any minute.
4:30 p.m.
--------
The teacher's husband called for breakfast. Joe can't believe it but
quickly took the breakfast to the couples room. The man opened the
door
and Joe took a step back in shock. The wore only his boxers and his
hair
was a mess. He had scratch marks on his chest, arms and legs. Joe
fearing the worst asked " What happened to you? Did you have a fight?"
The man smiles and happily replies, "No. Son, when you marry be sure
to
marry a school teacher. All I heard last night was her sexy smooth
voice
saying "We are going to do this over and over, until we get right."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Short Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jill goes to the doctor. After examining her thoroughly, the doctor is
perplexed.
"I'm not sure what it is," he said. "You either have a bad
cold or you're pregnant."
"Oh," says Jill, "I must be pregnant --I don't know anyone
who could have given me a cold."
~~~~~
In a recent television show in the UK, actor and comedian John Cleese
explained three reasons why the British are superior to Americans:
1. They speak English.
2. When they host a world championship they invite other countries.
3. Visitors to the head of state are only expected to go down on ONE
knee.
~~~~~
Scott was lamenting to the bartender that he met his wife in a
brothel.
"You shouldn't be so unhappy about it," the barkeep said, "It's
actually
really romantic." "Oh, yeah?" responded Scott. "Well, I thought she
was
home taking care of the kids and she thought I was bowling. And to
clinch it all, the madame wouldn't give me my money back and refused
to
give me another girl."
~~~~~~~
Bruno came home from school crying in hysterics. Looking at
the bruises all over his face, it was apparent he got into
some trouble.
"What happened to you?" his father says in a panicky manner.
"You remember the other day you told me 'Sticks and stones
may break my bones, but words will never harm me.'"
"Of course," the father replies.
"Well," Bruno says, "you were right about the sticks and stones."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
I just got off the phone with Paul Connor
and he was telling me about his new book about
winning any lottery of your choice.
Yes, I said Winning the Lotto.
At first I though he was joking, but when he told
me the amount of copies he was selling on a daily
basis and (after my jaw absolutely dropped) I was
convinced we are in the middle of a revolution.
He doesn't know how long he can offer this book, so I wanted to make
sure
you had your chance to read it before it's gone I am SURE you will
love it
:-)
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
LynnLynn's Links
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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SwordSister'
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Amelia Earhart
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dent
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
R Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
The schools second grade had a substitute teacher
arrive to help out one day. Wanting to make a good
impression with the children she caught all there attention
and with a very cheerful smile she said,` good morning
children lets all start off this morning by getting to know
one another,ok?'
So she walked over to the chalk board an introduced herself
buy telling them "now my name is Miss Prussy,that'
with an 'R'".
The next morning she began her class buy asking if anyone could
remember
her name.
"I do,"I do, yelled out little my from the back of the class. your
miss
crunt, that's like what daddy calls mommy but you use a 'R'.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Toon Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Limerick Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
There once was a man named Mort
Whose dick was incredibly short
He climbed into bed
And his lady friend said,
"That's not a dick, it's a wart.
~~
My wife Myrtle's womb has a habit
Of expanding whenever I stab it.
What's more, my wife Myrtle
Is so wonderously fertile,
That she's giving me kids like a rabbit.
~~~
There was a young girl of East Anglia
Whose loins were a tangle of ganglia.
Her mind was a webbing
Of Freud and Kraft-Ebing
And all sorts of other mew-fanglia.
~~~~~~
There was a young man from Hong Kong
Who had a trifurcated prong:
A small one for sucking,
A large one for fucking,
And a honey for beating a gong.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Parting Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
DID YOU KNOW
Back in the seafaring days of wooden ships, there was no certainty
sailors setting out on long voyages would ever see their homeland
again. To prepare for the worst, sailors took to wearing gold
earrings
so that if there was an accident and their bodies were found washed
ashore on some foreign beach, the gold in their earrings would be
used to pay for decent burials.
[snagged from Moni]
Yer Hillbilly friend in TN...
Ross
PROUD father of an American Soldier
buffalo says I heard it was so that if you got shipwrecked on an
island full of women you could trade it for a lot of nights of cheap
sex. What sailor ever worried about where he was going to be buried?
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Bonus Chip
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Question: 'Why is a waist called a waist?'
Answer: 'because anything above the pussy and below the tits is a
waste'
A man with a wooden leg wanted to buy fire insurance
for his leg. The first actuary quoted an annual premium
of $500, estimating that the leg would burn once in 20
years and the value of the leg is $10,000.
The second actuary quoted an annual premium of $50.
When the second actuary was asked how he arrived
at such a small figure, he replied,
"This situation is right here in the fire schedule rating
table. The object is a wooden structure with an upper
sprinkler, isn't it?"
Randy
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Robert Irwin Sexual Skills For The Christian Husband
How Christian Married Couples Can Have Great Sex.
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn
Vol 1017
Winnings
BJ: So what are you going to do with your earnings?
Sandi: I am going to order some pizzas?
BJ: You have 250 dollars.
Sandi shuffling her feet: Yeah, a lot of pizzas.
BJ: Rudy?
Rudy: Steaks and ribs sound good to me. Maybe a good
bottle of beer to wash it down.
BJ: Katie?
Katie: A day at the spa then have my nails done, my hair
done, and a light salad and a glass of fine wine.
BJ: Ginger?
Ginger: I thought about it and perhaps I would get a dog house,
a DVD player and a double hamburger. Perhaps pay Katie to
decorate like her doghouse.
BJ: Splendid idea. Have you seen her doghouse?
Ginger: Goodness gracious yes. Today for the first time. Amazing.
Six bedrooms, the laborator, garage, living room, kitchen, library,
indoor swimming pool, game room, three stories all in a 4 foot dog
house.
How does she do it?
BJ: She said with mirrors and paint.
Ginger: But the 62" plasma TV how does she afford that on her 5
dollar
a week allowance?
BJ: She saves coupons she says.
Ginger: All her furniture is new and top of the line..... I just
don't understand.
BJ: Neither do I.... Don't forget she runs KSR Enterprises and KSR
Industries.
She is worth millions. Her music brings in a lot of money. Rudy
makes a lot
but Sandi,...sigh she spends hers on food.
Ginger: Yeah, my mom...she is okay.
Ding dong!
Diana: There is a pizza man where with 20 pizzas.
Sandi: That is for me!
The herd in Guthrie
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Adult Adult Adult
Remember 9/11/01
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