Adult Adult
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
I watched with interest the events of the past week regarding the
steam piping explosion in Manhattan. The story started out as a
possible terrorist attack and then went into my profession as a
stationary engineer. It is hard to imagine how much damage a
broken steam line can do without looking at physics. It takes
a small amount of heat to bring water to its boiling point but it
takes 540 times as much heat to raise it that one degree to make it
steam and that added energy is there for us to use when the steam
gets to wherever it is going and in the case of the Manhattan
steam system 150 miles of pipe carry it to 100,000 buildings from
small apartment buildings Empire State Building. It is also used to
generate electricity and to run air conditioning compressors, and
heat hot water. 350 deg steam at approximately 125 psi is
great stuff but let it get out of its pipes and it expands with
explosive
force and in this case left New York with a big hole in the ground.
Still if we compare it to heating with Natural Gas or Propane and
look at all the deaths in a year in an area that large, the
casualties are
much more for any other form of heat than steam except for Nuclear
Power. In the Navy you never worried about the large steam lines,
it was the smaller low pressure lines and drains that you worried
about.
The Navy took great care to make sure that steam systems were safe
and only special welders were allowed to work on the system and then
the welds were x-rayed to check for flaws. The biggest problems we
had was when the Navy decided to use a new packing to seal the stems
of the valves. It was made from graphite fibers and looked like a
ribbon
and they wrote books about how we were supposed to use this packing.
It had been tested on brand new valves in nuclear plants with great
results
but we were putting it in older valves and when they put pressure to
them
all the graphite blew out in a cloud of glittery dust. followed by
first a
whistling sound and then a sound similar to a freight train going
through
your bedroom. We would evacuate the space and shut everything down
from outside and then go back in and put the regular woven asbestos
packing
back in the valves. One other thing about superheated steam, you
can't see it.
It heats up the air so fast that it doesn't condense and the water
condensing is
the white we see. If you heard a steam leak and went looking for it
with your
fingers you would lose your fingers faster than a band saw. They
would use
a broom instead and when it chopped the straws you knew you had found
the leak.
Ok enough blowing off steam for today, enjoy the chips.... buffalo
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Tax Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
One day, this man, Tony, died. When he was sent to be judged, he was
told that he had committed a sin, and that he could not go to heaven
right away. He asked what he did and God told him that he cheated on
his
income taxes, and that the only way he could get into heaven would be
to
sleep with a large, stupid, woman for the next five years and enjoy
it.
Tony decided that this was a small price to pay for an eternity in
heaven. So off he went with this woman, pretending to be happy. As he
was walking along, he saw his friend Carlos up ahead. Carlos was with
an
even bigger, uglier woman than he was with.
When he approached Carlos he asked him what was going on, and Carlos
replied "I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out
of
a lot of money...even more then you did."
They both shook their heads in understanding and figured that as long
as
they have to be with these women, they might as well hang out together
to help pass the time.
Now Tony, Carlos, and their two women were walking along, minding
their
own business when Tony and Carlos could have sworn that they saw their
friend Jon up ahead, only this man was with an absolutely drop dead
gorgeous supermodel/centerfo
Stunned, Tony and Carlos approached the man and in fact it was their
friend Jon.
They asked him how is he with this unbelievable goddess, while they
were
stuck with these god-awful women. Jon replied "I have no idea, and I'm
definitely not complaining. This has been absolutely the best time of
my
life (and I'm dead) and I have the best five years man could hope for,
to look forward to. There is only one thing that I can't seem to
understand. After every time we make love, she rolls over and murmurs
to
herself, 'Damn income taxes'!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Religion Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Religions of the World
Taoism Shit happens.
Confucianism Confucius says: "Shit happens."
Buddhism If shit happens, it isn't really shit.
Zen What is the sound of shit happening?
Hinduism That shit happened before.
Islam If shit happens, it is the will of Allah.
Protestantism Let shit happen to somene else.
Catholicism If shit happens, you deserve it.
Born Again Same old shit, new cover.
Mormon If shit happens, it is eternal.
Judaism Why does this shit always happen to us?
Polytheism Who did this shit?
Monotheism I've narrowed this shit down to one.
Satanism We make shit fly.
Agnosticism What is this shit?
Atheism I don't believe this shit.
Rastafarianism Let's smoke this shit.
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Golf Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
An avid male golfer's buddies were going to be out of town for the
weekend so he decided to go down to the golf course and see if any
group
might need a fourth member. Sure enough there were three women and
they
were glad to have him join them.
Since he was the guest, they decided to let him tee off first. The man
teed off and his ball sliced badly to the right and landed in a sand
trap. The man immediately exclaimed "Oh shit!"
One of the women reminded him that he was playing with three ladies
and
not his male buddies and that ladies do not appreciate that kind of
language. The man promptly apologized and promised it would not happen
again.
The woman who had spoken to him about the cursing then teed off and
her
ball hit a tree and then caromed off into the same sand trap. She
immediately said "Oh shit!"
The man spoke up and said that he realized he was a guest but it
seemed
like there was a double standard in that the woman used the same word
that he was told he should not use.
The woman quickly replied, "There's no double standard. Your ball
didn't
hit the fucking tree!"
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Short Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
My husband, Cal, grew increasingly displeased as our teenage
daughter and her boyfriend studied in her room late one evening.
Finally losing patience shortly after midnight, he knocked
sharply on her door. Her boyfriend immediately opened it and
asked if something was wrong. "I have to ask you to move your
car," Cal told him.
"Oh, sure. Is it in someone's way?"
"No," Cal replied, "it's at the wrong address."
============
A substitute teacher walks into the classroom. On the blackboard
she sees a message. It says, "Jimmy Jacobs, has got the biggest
tool, in the whole damn school!"
She yells, "Who's Jimmy Jacobs?"
This kid in the back stands up and says, "I'm Jimmy Jacobs."
"Well, Jimmy, your staying after school!
The very next day when the substitute teacher walks in, she looks
up at the blackboard and written on it, it says,
"PAYS to ADVERTISE."
============
In our local department store, a salesperson was waiting on a
young woman whose recent wedding we had both attended. The new
bride asked to see twin-bed sheets. The clerk bit her lip as she
rummaged through the packages on the shelf. Finally she burst
out, "It's none of my business, but twin beds? You're practically
still on your honeymoon!" It was the saleswoman's turn to blush as
the bride picked out one package of sheets.
"You're taking it for granted that we have two twin beds," she
replied
============
A bewildered-looking man walked up to one of our bank's customer-
service representatives. "I want to deposit my paycheque, but I'm
not sure how to do it," he said. "No problem," said Linda as she
took his cheque and passbook. There was a flurry of activity for
a few moments, and then his passbook was handed back to him. The
man looked at his book, noting the deposit and, smiling,
said, "That's it?"
"That's it. Just give your paycheque to me, and I'll take care if
it."
The man suddenly looked at her curiously. "Say," he drawled, "are
you my wife?"
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Iraqi Chips
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A squad of Marines were driving up the highway between Basra and
Baghdad.
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Nearby,
on the opposite side of the road, was an American Marine in a similar
but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert.
As first aid was given to both men, the marine was asked what had
happened. The Marine reported; "I was heavily armed and moving north
along the highway. Coming south was a heavily armed Iraqi soldier."
"What happened then?" the corpsman asked.
"I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable piece of Shit,
and he yelled back: 'Tom Daschle, Ted Kennedy and Bill Clinton are
miserable pieces of Shit'.
"We were standing there shaking hands when a truck hit us."
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Lush Chips
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Dear Alcohol:
I thought I'd take a minute to discuss some
troubling factors with you. First and foremost,
let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours...
your many sides and dimensions are mind-
boggling different from beer goggling, which
I'll touch upon shortly. Yes, my friend, you
always seem to be there when needed --
the perfect post-work cocktail, a beer with
the game, and you're even there around the
holidays, with a touch of cinnamon, you warm
us even when stuck in the midst of endless
family gatherings.
Yet lately, I've been wondering about your
intentions. You see, I want to believe that
you've got my best interests in mind, but I
feel that your influence has led to unwise
consequences, briefed below for your review.
1. Phone calls:
While I agree with you that communication is
important, I question the suggestion that any
conversation of substance or necessity occurs
at 5 AM.
2. Eating:
Now, you know I love a good meal, and though
cooking is far from my specialty, why you
suggested that I eat mashed potatoes with bbq
sauce coupled by a veggie corn dog and some
stale corn chips (washed down with cranberry
juice and topped off with a Kit Kat) is beyond me.
Eclectic eater I am, but I think you went a little
too far.
3. Clumsiness:
Unless you're subtly trying to tell me I need to do
yoga more to increase my balance, I see NO
need to hammer the issue home by causing me
to fall down the stairs. Completely unnecessary.
4. Spelling Bees:
Reference point 1 (Phone Calls) above, but even
if calling 411 for Courtney Cox's number (in LA,
I believe) IS a grand idea, the fact that you temporarily
suspended my ability to spell her last name surely
amused the operator. Surprisingly enough, she
didn't seem to be listed.
5. Pictures:
This is a blessing in disguise, as it can often clarify
the last point below, but the following costumes are
therefore banned from being placed on my head in
public: Indian Wigs, Sombreros, Bows, Ties, Boxes,
upside-down cups, bras.
6. Beer Goggles:
If I think I may know her from somewhere, I most
likely do not. PLEASE do not request that I go over
and see if in fact, I do actually know that person.
This is similar to the old "Hey, you're in my class"
syndrome circa 1992 , and should heretofore be
rendered illegal. Coupled with this is the phrase
"Let's Make Out."
While I may be thinking this, please reinstate the
brain-mouth block that would keep this thought from
being a statement, especially in public.
Further ... the subsequent hangovers have GOT
to stop. Now, I know a little penance for our previous
evenings' debauchery may be in order, but the 2 pm
Hangover Immobility (and the new-found-trend of
morning booting) is completely unacceptable.
I ask that if the proper steps are proactively taken
on my part (i.e., water, vitamin B, bread products,
Advil) prior to going to bed/passing out facedown
on the kitchen with a bag of pretzels, the hangover
to be quite minimal and in no way interfere with my
daily Saturday or Sunday (or any day, for that
matter) activities. Come on now, it's only fair --
you do your part, I'll do mine.
Alcohol, I have enjoyed our relationship for some
years now, and want to ensure that we remain
on good terms. You've been the invoker of
great stories, the provocation for much laughter,
and the needed companion when we just don't
know what to do with the extra dollars in our
pockets. In order to continue this relationship,
I ask that you carefully review my grievances
above and address them immediately.
I will look for an answer no later than Thursday
at 5 pm (pre happy hour) on your possible solutions
and hopefully we can continue this
fruitful partnership.
Thank you for your prompt attention to these matters,
F.N. Lush
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Lawyer Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was a loser who couldn't get a date. He went to a bar and asked
this one guy how to get a date.
The guy said, "It's simple. I just say, I'm a lawyer."
So the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out. After she
said
"No," he told her that it was probably a good thing because he had a
case early in the morning.
She said, "Oh!!!! Your a lawyer?"
He said, "Why,... Yes I am!"
So they went to his place and when they were in bed, screwing, he
started to laugh to himself. When she asked what was so funny, he
answered, "Well, I've only been a lawyer for 15 minutes, and
I'm already screwing someone!"
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Toon Chips
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ISP Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
1) Americans and Canadians are not the only ones
who get poor service from their ISP, cable and/or
alarm companies. (NTL is a cable operator in Britain).
2) The Brits probably write the world's best letters of complaint.
WARNING: some adult content
Dear Cretins:
I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for
your four-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, telephone, and alarm
monitoring. During this three-month period I have encountered
inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible,
as well as
ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to
provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your
professional prerogative and seek to rectify these difficulties -- or
more likely (I
suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as
you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee
on the bog in your office.
My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in
my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for
your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further
57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even
more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful
website. HOW? I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles
for a few minutes -- an activity at which you are no doubt both
familiar and highly adept. The rescheduled installation then took
place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to
bring a number of vital tools -- such as a drill-bit, and his
cerebrum.
Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After 15
telephone calls over four weeks my modem arrived, six weeks after I
had requested it -- and begun to pay for it. I estimate your internet
server's downtime is roughly 35% -- the hours between about 6 pm and
midnight, Monday through Friday, and most of the weekend. I am still
waiting for my telephone connection.
I have made nine calls on my mobile to your no-help line, and have
been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested
individuals who are, it seems, also highly skilled bollock jugglers.
I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone
will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows
whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off);
that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an
answering machine informing me that your office is closed); that I
will be transferred to someone and then been redirected to the
irritating Scottish robot woman. And several other variations on this
theme.
Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least
a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another
one of those crucially important testicle moments to attend to.
Frankly I don't care. It's far more satisfying as a customer to voice
my frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending hold
music.
Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.
I thought British Telecom was shit; that they had attained the holy
piss-pot of god-awful customer relations; and that no one, anywhere,
ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive
to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and
because, well, there isn't anyone else is there.
How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable
dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards
you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum
incompetents of the highest order. BT -- wankers though they are --
shine like brilliant beacons of success in the filthy mire of your
seemingly limitless inadequacy.
Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy
quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you
cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the
services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to
deliver. Any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity
and disbelief and will quickly be replaced by derision, and even
perhaps bemused rage.
I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cat's
litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for
both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have
not become desiccated during transit -- they were satisfyingly moist
at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment
if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture.
Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its
worthless employees.
Have a nice day. May it be the last in your miserable short lives,
you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of
twits.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Parting Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
For months, I've been getting spam emails
offering to sell me pills that will increase the
size of my penis up to three inches. I just
ignored them and deleted them, but then
curiosity got the best of me and I decided
to try them, just to see what would happen.
I answered the ad and when the pills arrived,
I was so anxious to try them, that I opened
the package and without reading the instructions,
took one and let it dissolve on my tongue.
It worked, but I have to ask you ladies,
"What am I going to do with an eight-inch tongue?"
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bonus Chip
~~~~~~~~~~~~
An older couple was lying in bed one night...
The husband was falling asleep but the wife felt
romantic and wanted to talk. She said, "You use to
hold my hand when we were courting."
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a
second, then tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said, "Then you used
to kiss me."
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck
on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said, "Then you used to
nibble my neck." Angrily, he threw back the bed
covers and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"To get my teeth!"
Randy
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn
Vol 1033
Playing with Dogs
Diana: You are watching too much TV BJ go play with
the dogs.
BJ: Okay. I will be downstairs.
later.....
BJ at a card table: Okay Katie hit me, I need two cards.
Katie: There you go and the dealer takes one.
Rudy: I will raise you two dog biscuts.
Sandi: I fold.
Katie: I fold.
BJ: I fold.
Ginger: I fold.
Rudy: Everytime I get a good hand, you guys fold. How do
you know?
Katie: Ahem brother, you wag your tail.
Ginger when you have a good hand, your ears flop back.
Sandi: How about me?
Katie: Hard to tell about you other than you are awake.
BJ: I can when you have a good hand Katie.
Katie: No way. How?
BJ: Your eyes turn dark and get big then your start to drool.
Katie: Frumpt! Let's play dogopoly.
The herd in Guthrie
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Adult Adult Adult
Remember 9/11/01
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In accordance with the 2004 Can-Spam act you can contact me at:
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Sault Ste Marie Michigan 49783
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Compilation and narrative copyright 2002 by william Brabant
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