[PostmansCorner] The Postman's Corner

 
 
 
 
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FROM:
THE INVESTIGATIVE REPORTS BUREAU OF
THE POSTMAN'S CORNER
 
MICROSOFT ACQUIRES CAHOLIC CHURCH
Microsoft Bids to Acquire Catholic Church
VATICAN CITY (AP) -- In a joint press conference in St. Peter's Square this
morning, MICROSOFT Corp. and the Vatican announced that the Redmond software giant will acquire the Roman Catholic Church in exchange for an unspecified number of shares of MICROSOFT common stock. If the deal goes through, it will be the first time a computer software company has acquired a major world religion. With the acquisition, Pope John Paul II will become the senior vice-president of the combined company's new Religious Software Division, while MICROSOFT senior vice-presidents Michael Maples and Steven Ballmer will be invested in the College of Cardinals, said MICROSOFT Chairman Bill Gates.
"We expect a lot of growth in the religious market in the next five to ten years,"
said Gates. "The combined resources of MICROSOFT and the Catholic Church 
will allow us to make religion easier and more fun for a broader range of people."
Through the MICROSOFT Network, the company's new on-line service, 
"we will make the sacraments available on-line for the first time" and revive the popular pre-Counter-Reformation practice of selling indulgences, said Gates.
"You can get Communion, confess your sins, receive absolution -- even reduce 
your time in Purgatory -- all without leaving your home." A new software application, MICROSOFT Church, will include a macro language which you
can program to download heavenly graces automatically while you are away from 
your computer. An estimated 17,000 people attended the announcement in St Peter's Square, watching on a 60-foot screen as comedian Don Novello -- in character as Father Guido Sarducci -- hosted the event, which was broadcast by satellite to 700 sites worldwide. Pope John Paul II said little during the announcement. When Novello chided Gates, "Now I guess you get to wear one of these pointy hats," the crowd roared, but the pontiff's smile seemed strained.
The deal grants MICROSOFT exclusive electronic rights to the Bible and the 
Vatican's prized art collection, which includes works by such masters as Michelangelo and Da Vinci. But critics say MICROSOFT will face stiff challenges if it attempts to limit competitors' access to these key intellectual properties.
"The Jewish people invented the look and feel of the holy scriptures," said Rabbi
David Gottschalk of Philadelphia. "You take the parting of the Red Sea -- we had 
that thousands of years before the Catholics came on the scene."
But others argue that the Catholic and Jewish faiths both draw on a common 
Abrahamic heritage. "The Catholic Church has just been more successful in marketing it to a larger audience," notes Notre Dame theologian Father Kenneth Madigan. Over the last 2,000 years, the Catholic Church's market share has increased dramatically, while Judaism, which was the first to offer many of the concepts now touted by Christianity, lags behind. Historically, the Church has a reputation as an aggressive competitor, leading crusades to pressure people to upgrade to Catholicism, and entering into exclusive licensing arrangements in various kingdoms whereby all subjects were instilled with Catholicism, whether or not they planned to use it. Today Christianity is available from several denominations, but the Catholic version is still the most widely 
used. The Church's mission is to reach "the four corners of the earth," echoing 
MICROSOFT's vision of "a computer on every desktop and in every home".
Gates described MICROSOFT's long-term strategy to develop a scalable 
religious architecture that will support all religions through emulation. A single core religion will be offered with a choice of interfaces according to the religion desired -- "One religion, a couple of different implementations," said Gates. The MICROSOFT move could spark a wave of mergers and acquisitions, according to Herb Peters, a spokesman for the U.S. Southern Baptist Conference, as other churches scramble to strengthen their position in the increasingly competitive religious market.

We do hope you enjoy today's issue!
Cordially
Martin aka the postman!


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THE COMICS

he better hurry
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for the man who has everything
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employee who appreciates a raise
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LETS GO TO THE MOVIES

Gummy bear
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why you should never use your snooze alarm
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how to fix a scratched cd.
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Q: Can you use indefinitely in a sentence?
A: When your balls are slapping up against her ass,
   you're in...definitely!
_______________
 
The guy leered at the babe at the yacht club. 
"Hey, baby, would you help me 'raise my mast'?"
"No thanks," she said sweetly. 
"I heard about you from your ex and she included a 'small craft' warning."
___________________
 
One evening Ole and Sven are sitting in the bar getting drunk. Ole turns
to Sven and asks, "Ven do you suppose dose girls are gonna make out vit us?"
Swen says, "Donno, but I'm drunk enuf. Let's go ask em!" So off they go to
the apartment where Ole knocks on the door. Lena answers and says,"Vell,
Ole and Sven, come on in!"
Ole no more than gets in the door when he says, "Ve yust come to find out
ven you girls are gonna make out vit us. " Lena is really upset by this and
throws them both out, slamming the door on them. Ole is persistent and knocks
on the door again. Lena isn't stupid. She knows it's Ole and says,
"Ole if you are gonna be so forward, you'll have to talk through the keyhole."
So Ole bends to the keyhole and asks, "Ven you girls gonna make out vit us?"
Lena is really upset now. She drops her pants, backs up to the keyhole,and
breaks wind. As Ole is backing up and shaking his head, Sven asks,
"Vell Ole, vat did she say?"
Ole says, "Vell, I tink she said .. FFFFfffffrrriiddaayy but her breath
is so bad, I'm not askin' again."
________________
 
You can encapsulate a marriage in four words.
If a fellow gets married, but finds a temptation elsewhere, hears about
it from his wife when she finds out, and finds himself served with papers,
you can sum up the experience as: Hitched, Itched, Bitched, Ditched
___________________
 
Morris, a 63-year old, comes home from the office early.  
He enters his bedroom, and sees his best friend Sam, on top of his
nude 62 year old wife.  
Morris, shaking his head, says, "Sam, I have to, BUT YOU?" 
______________
 
Two women were chatting and one asked the other,
"Mable, do you talk to your husband while you're
having passionate intercourse?"
"Heavens no!" exclaimed Mabel. "Why would I want
to make a phone call at a time like that?"
_______________
 
A man finally gets his prescription for Viagra. Eager
to try it out, he takes one as soon as he gets home, and
waits for his wife to come home from work, but in his
excitement he forgets and leaves the package open on
the table and his cockatiel eats all of them. Seeing the
results and panicking the man grabs the bird and stuffs
him into the freezer to cool off.
Unfortunately, his Viagra kicks in just as his wife comes
home and it is hours later before he remembers the cock-
atiel. He runs and looks in the freezer expecting the
worst, only to find the bird breathing heavily, drained
with sweat and totally exhausted.
"What happened?" the man asks. "You were in there for
hours and yet you're not only alive but you're sweating
like crazy?"
The cockatiel pants, "Man, have you ever tried to pry
apart the legs a frozen chicken?"

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BUFFALO'S
Movies
 
 
 
 
 
LAB LAUGHS
 
 
 
 
 
 
THAT'S ALL FOLKS!
Have a nice day!
FROM:
Martin aka the postman




 

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