Clean Clean
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
The whole town is abuzz over last night's City
Commission meeting and an interesting project that
was presented to our city government. A company
has offered to buy the parcel of land alongside
I-75 that used to be part of Camp Lucas and now
is the I-500 snowmobile race track. The company
will build a series of geodesic domes called
biomes that will house a 400,000 square foot
mall, a theatre large enough to attract big
name bands for concerts, a 3D theatre, a water
park including surfing, and a tropical rain
forest. Along with Soo Locks and Casinos it
would make this area a year round attraction. In
addition it is estimated it would bring another
2,000 jobs to the area. With the depressed economy
up here this is like a gift from heaven.
We are preparing for a Presidential Primary on
January 15th. As it stands now John Edwards and
Barrack Obama failed to register and are not on
the ballot so if you don't want to vote for
Hillary, you have to vote uncommitted so basically
no matter who you vote for Hillary is going to
win it. The whole mess came from trying to snub
the Michigan voters when they asked for an early
Primary. Michigan went ahead with their plans and
several candidates ignored them.
Enjoy the chips... buffalo
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Valentine Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
What would you get if you crossed a dog with a valentine card? A card
that says, "I love you drool-ly!"
What did the painter say to her boyfriend?
"I love you with all my art!"
What does a man who loves his car do on February 14?
He gives it a valenshine!
"Do you love me more than you love sleep?"
"I can't answer now. It's time for my nap!"
What did the man with the broken leg say to his nurse?
"I've got a crutch on you!"
Did you hear about the romance in the tropical fish tank?
It was a case of guppy love.
What do you call two birds in love?
Tweethearts!
What do you call a very small valentine?
A valentiny!
What did Frankenstein say to his girlfriend?
"Be my valenstein!"
What do farmers give their wives on Valentine's Day?
Hogs and kisses!
Why did the pig give his girlfriend a box of candy?
It was Valenswine's Day!
Do skunks celebrate Valentine's Day?
Sure, they're very scent-imental!
What did the paper clip say to the magnet on Valentine's Day? "I find
you very attractive."
What did the French chef give his wife for Valentine's Day?
A hug and a quiche!
What did one pickle say to the other?
"You mean a great dill to me."
Why do valentines have hearts on them?
Because kidneys would look pretty gross!
What did one light bulb say to the other?
"I love you a whole watt!"
What did the caveman give his wife on Valentine's Day?
Ughs and kisses!
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Toon Chips For Those Who Can't Wait
Can I Call You Back
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Short Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was playing tooth fairy when my daughter, Carrie, suddenly woke up.
Seeing the money in my hand, she cried out,
"Aha! I caught you!"
I froze and tried to think of an explanation for why I, instead of
the 'tooth fairy', was putting the money under her pillow, but her
next words let me off the hook completely. .
"You put that money back!" she said indignantly. "The tooth fairy
left that for me!"
-------
Here is a Group of Medical Terms as Defined by Blondes:
Barium What to do when treatment fails.
Cauterize Make eye contact with her.
Colic Sheepdog.
Dilate To live long.
Enema Not a friend.
Fester Quicker.
Hangnail Coat hook.
Labor pain Hurt at work.
Tablet Small table.
Tumor More than one.
Varicose Nearby.
Vein Conceited.
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Husband Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
"How To Be A Good Husband"
** He consistently spills things in the same
location as to avoid making more than one
stain in the carpet.
** He sees to it that he doesn't always sit in
the same place on the couch, to avoid making
those unsightly twin-divots.
** He masters the art of halfway-communicati
so that he can watch TV and still answer: uh huh,
oh, I see what you mean, etc. at the right time.
** He is able to avoid use of the same excuse two-times-in-
** He has learned that a new vacuum cleaner, iron,
etc. do not make acceptable anniversary presents.
** Admits with only minor prodding that watching
Monday Night Football together does not constitute
a "date" or family home evening (where applicable).
** Has learned all of the childrens' names so that he
doesn't have to refer to them as, "Hey, you there".
** Knows the proper time to give a sincere compliment
and also the proper time to say something such as,
"Its definitely an interesting dress."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Football Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Four football fans go rock climbing one afternoon, a Patriots fan, a
Cowboys fan, an Eagles fan, and a Steelers fan.
They had been arguing all the way up the mountain about who among
them was the most "die-hard" fan. Upon reaching the top of the
mountain, the Steelers fan proclaimed to the other four...
"This is for the Pittsburg Steelers fans!". . . and promptly threw
himself off the mountain as a form of sacrifice.
Not to be outdone by a Steelers fan, the Cowboys fan jumped up and
said... "This is for the Dallas Cowboy fans!" and. . . then threw
himself off the mountain as a form of sacrifice.
Next, not to be outdone by the Steelers and Cowboys fans, the
Patriots fan rose to his feet and yelled at the top of his lungs....
"This is for all New England Patriots fans!" and. . . without
hesitation. . . pushed the Eagles fan off the mountain!!
And all was well in Patriot land. Still is.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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History Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Brief Review of World History - As it Really Happened
Humans originally existed as members of small bands of
nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the
mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and
live on fish and lobster in the winter.
The two most important events in all of history were the invention
of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to
get man to the beer. These were the foundations of modern
civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of
humanity into two distinct
subgroups:
Liberals and Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the
beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can
were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around
waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the
brewery. That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at
night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what
is known as the Conservative movement.
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting
learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly
B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was
the beginning of the Liberal movement.
Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women.
The rest became known as girliemen.
Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the
domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs,
and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the
meat and beer that conservatives provided.
Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest,
most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are
symbolized by the jackass.
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but
most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat
raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French
food are standard liberal fare.
Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women
have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers,
personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and
group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated
hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and
still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters,
rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical
doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines,
and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own
companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the
producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals
believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why
most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were
coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and
created a business of trying to get more for nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history: It should be
noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond
to the above before forwarding it. A Conservative will simply laugh
and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it
will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more
liberals just to irritate them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Curse Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A statuesque blonde walked into a dinner party on the arm of a bald,
elderly, scowling tycoon.
A society lady approached the young lovely to admire the huge
shimmering
gemstone hanging around her neck. "I must tell you," the matron
exclaimed,
"that you are wearing the most incredible piece of jewelry I have
ever
seen."
"That," the blonde responded, "is the one-and-only Blanton diamond."
"I'm surprised I've never heard of it," the woman marveled. "I study
famous
gems as a hobby."
"Well," the chippy revealed, "the Blanton diamond has an ancient,
unspeakably evil curse attached to it."
"Really?" the woman queried. "What could that be?"
The blonde grimaced and gestured toward the tycoon. "Mr. Blanton,
over
there.
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LynnLynn's Links
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Business Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
The young son of an industrial mogul found himself in a delicate
situation one day. He had gotten his girlfriend pregnant!
They did the right thing though. He married the girl and was a loving
and devoted husband and father, all the while grooming the child to
some day take over the family business, and inherit (and manage) the
family fortune.
As the boy came of age he was phased into the company and when he was
ready, made chairman of the board. Rather than leave his son the
family fortune in his will, the father gave him all but a small share
he kept for himself and retired early.
One day though, his son came home all afluster. When questioned, it
turned out that he too had gotten his girlfriend pregnant, but
intended to marry the girl and raise the child exactly as his father
had raised him, until the day came he could take over the family
business and fortune.
"That's wonderful son" said the father "You know what they say, 'To
heir is human, to fore-give divine" (By Bradley Williams)
Via Stan Kegel
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Toon Chips
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Riddle Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
RIDDLES
What kind of eggs does a wicked chicken lay?
Deviled eggs.
Why did the boxer wear gloves to bed?
Because he wanted to hit the sack!
What did one palm tree say to the other palm tree?
"Let's have a date."
Why were the walls arrested?
Because they were holding up the ceiling.
What did the dog say when he sat on sandpaper?
Rough! Rough!
What horse never goes out in the day time?
A night mare
Stan Kegel
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Parting Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard.
I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that
he had a home.
He followed me into the house, down the hall,
and fell asleep in a corner.
An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.
The next day he was back, resumed his position
in the hall, and slept for an hour. This continued
for several weeks.
Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon
your dog comes to my house for a nap."
The next day he arrived with a different note pinned
to his collar:
"He lives in a home with ten children -- he's trying to
catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?"
Randy
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Bonus Chip
~~~~~~~~~~~~
An old man was a witness in a burglary case. The defense lawyer
asked Sam, "Did you see my client commit this burglary?"
"Yes," said Sam, "I saw him plainly take the goods."
The lawyer asked Sam again, "Sam, this happened at night.
Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime?"
"Yes" said Sam, "I saw him do it."
Then the lawyer said, "Sam, listen, you are 80 years old
and your eye sight is probably pretty bad. Just how far
can you see at night?"
Sam quickly replied, "I can see the moon, how far is that?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn
Vol 1193
Sandi has a Question
BJ is reading his paper when Sandi approaches him...
Sandi: Daddy I need to speak to you privately.
BJ: Okay let's go into the den.
Sandi: You have noticed that I am sharing the bed with Katie.
BJ: Yes, and I think you have done very well in doing so.
Sandi: I notice when she runs outside, she does not run as much
as she used to nor does she stay outside as long as she used to.
I am concerned about her wound on her side. She keeps opening it
up.
BJ: This is a tough problem. I will not lie to you. This may
shorten
her life. If I give her medicine now, her system will be immune when
she needs it. So I am letting her take care of her body as she needs
and I am keeping an eye on her wound every day. I clean it as often
as I can. The main problem is infection. We can only pray that the
object in her spine will work itself loose and she will be okay.
Still,
she runs more than you or Rudy and has more energy than you guys.
Sandi: True, but also true is she is still too thin.
BJ: Yes, I give her canned dog food on top of the regular food you
guys
get. I fed her more than you guys get, but she exercises more. I
understand her running. When she is nervous or scared, she runs.
I try to calm her down and it helps. She is afraid of this illness,
I can
tell. You have noticed that she is on my lap every night?
Sandi: Yes, and I fight my jealous nature, but it is okay.
BJ: You are the alpha dog in the lot but you are also the mother
image
in the group and your instinct knows she is hurting.
Sandi pawing at the floor: Shucks, I guess you are right.
BJ: We do what we can. We did for Ginger and we will do what we
can for Katie. She has been ill for 18 months and is happy, and okay
today.
Sandi: Yes, everyday is a gift.
The herd in Guthrie
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Clean Clean Clean Clean Clean
************
Remember 9/11/01
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