Adult Adult
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
Today is Primary Day in Michigan. The past week I have
been bombarded with phone calls from campaign workers
and pollsters. Some of these phone calls have been not
too sweet stopping just short of calling me an idiot
for my candidate choices. John McCain seems to have
my email address and has been asking for my support.
If it is this wicked already with name-calling and
mud-slinging between the opponents of the same party,
I hate to see what is going to happen when we near
the real election.
Has anyone noticed that spammers and phishers are
getting dumber lately? I got two winners this morning,
one from a male enhancement product and the other from
the British Lottery. The first was from a woman named
Dorothy that said her product had caused some part
of her to grow 4 inches and frankly I didn't read any
further before I deleted.
The sweepstakes winner was believable till you read
the address. I can believe that the minister of finance
would use an AOL address or even a Yahoo address, but
this one was using a web-tv address. That would be
like the IRS having a mail station.
Now I have a rather controversial question?
Citgo Oil who receives its oil from Venezuela
and Hugo Chavez is in its third year of providing
free heating oil for low income households.
http://www.citgo.
This was mentioned on a group I am on this morning
and half of the people would freeze to death before
they would accept 100 gallons of oil from Chavez
and the remainder are willing to accept relief
from the money grubbing oil nations wherever they
can find it. What would you do? Freeze or stay warm.?
Enjoy the chips... buffalo
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Sample Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
In a small Irish village, as was the ancient custom, a matchmaker was
often employed to arrange marriages.
-
One sunny day the village matchmaker approached one of the more
attractive single woman in the marketplace and told her he had a
husband for her.
-
"I'm ashamed to bring this up," he said, "but the man wants to be
sure you are compatible in bed. He wants, he says, a sample."
-
The woman was shocked. "Such a thing you ask me, a virtuous woman?
What kind of a crude person would suggest such a thing? He must be a
barnyard animal, not a gentleman. "
-
The matchmaker, trying to earn his fee, explained, "No Mr. O'Brien is
a business man. He buys goods in the market and he sells goods. To
him, it's not a big deal... just a sample."
-
The woman thought for a moment, now that she knew the man in question
was quite wealthy and would be a good catch. "He's a business man? So
tell him I don't give samples.
-
If he's a business man and still interested, I can give him 10 or 12
references."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Toon Chips For Those Who Can't Wait
Not
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Short Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend and kills him.
Wife says, "If you keep on behaving like this, you'll lose ALL your
friends"
************
A small Boy wrote to Santa Claus, "Send me a brother."
Santa wrote back, "SEND ME YOUR MOTHER"
************
What is the definition of Mistress?
Someone between the Mister and Mattress.
************
What's the difference between stress, tension, and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant.
Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant.
Panic is when both are pregnant.
************
Teacher: Do you know the importance of a period?
Kid: Yeah, once my sister said she had missed one, and my mom fainted,
dad had a heart attack, & our neighbor ran away.
************
A woman asks man who is traveling with six children,
"Are all these kids yours??"
The man replies sarcastically,
"No, I work in a condom factory and these are customer complaints."
************
A young boy asks his Dad,
"What is the difference between confident and confidential?
Dad says, "You are my son. I'm confident about that.
Your friend over there is also my son. That's confidential!
Calif Jack
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tree Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
While walking through the Boulder Colorado woods
a man came upon another man hugging a tree with
his ear firmly against the tree.
Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what
the heck are you doing?"
"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.
"You gotta be kiddin me."
"No, would you like to give it a try?"
Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..."
So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed
his ear up against it.
With this the other guy, slapped a pair of handcuffs on
him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped
him naked and left.
Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw
this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked,
"What happened to you?"
He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he
got there.
When he finished telling his story, the new guy shook
his head in sympathy, walked around behind him,
kissed him gently behind the ear and said,
"This just ain't your day, Sweetie, is it?!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Test Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been
dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was
only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger
sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight
mini-skirts, and generally was braless. She would regularly bend down
when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view of
her private parts. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she
was near anyone else. One day her "little" sister called and asked me
to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I
arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires
for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to
make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life
to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last
wild fling, just come up and get me."
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them
down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and
made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and
headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all
clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are
very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for
better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family." And the moral of
this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Payback Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A U.S. Navy cruiser pulled into port in Mississippi for a week's
liberty. The first evening, the Captain was more than a little
surprised to receive the following letter from the wife of a wealthy
plantation owner:
"Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter Melinda's,
coming of age party. I would like you to send four well mannered,
handsome, unmarried officers. They should arrive at 8 p.m. prepared
for an evening of polite southern conversation and dance with lovely
young ladies. One last point: No Mexicans. We don't like Mexicans."
Sure enough, at 8 p.m. on Thursday, the lady heard a rap
at the door. She opened the door to find, in dress uniform, four
exquisitely mannered, smiling black officers. Her jaw hit the floor,
but pulling herself together she stammered, "There must be some
mistake!"
"On no, madam," said the first officer, "Captain Martinez doesn't
make mistakes."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bad Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bad: You can't find your vibrator.
Worse: Your daughter "borrowed" it.
Bad: You find a porn movie in your son's room.
Worse: You're in it.
Bad: Your children are sexually active.
Worse: With each other.
Bad: Your husband's a cross dresser.
Worse: He looks better than you.
Bad: Your son's involved in Satanism.
Worse: As a sacrifice.
Bad: Your wife wants a divorce.
Worse: She's a lawyer.
Bad: Your wife's leaving you.
Worse: For another woman.
Bad: Your wife's leaving you.
Worse: To enter a convent.
Bad: Your wife's arrested for soliciting.
Worse: She implicates you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Movies
Beat That Ass
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Beer Bitch
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Ben Bon
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Power Surges
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Decisions Decisions
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Choco Car
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Striker Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Top Ten Demands of the Striking Writers
10. "Complimentary tote bag with next insulting contract
offer"
9. "No rollbacks in health benefits so I can treat the
hypothermia I caught on the picket lines"
8. "Full salary and benefits for my imaginary writing
partner Lester"
7. "Members of the AMPTP must explain what the hell AMPTP
stands for"
6. "No disciplinary action taken against any writer caught
having an inappropriate relationship with a copier"
5. "I'd like a date with a woman"
4. "Hazard pay for breaking up fights on 'The View'"
3. "I'm no accountant, but instead of us getting 4 cents
for a $20 dollar DVD, how about we get $20 for a 4-cent
DVD?"
2. "I don't have a joke -- I just want to remind everyone
that we're on strike, so none of us are responsible for
this lame list"
1. "Producers must immediately remove their heads from
their asses"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Toon Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Legit?
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Limerick Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
There lived a saintly girl from Sleepy Hollow
Who entertained the numerous men of the Wallow
When asked by Ichabod Crane:
Have you a place I might drain?
No Thanks, she replied "I don't Swallow."
There once was a hacker named Ken
Who inherited truckloads of Yen.
So he built him some chicks
Made of silicon chips,
And hasn't been heard from since then
There once was a man named Brewster,
Who said to his wife as he goosed her,
That used to be grand,
But just look at my hand,
Your not wiping as good as you used to!
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Handy switch is a wireless light switch you can use to remotely
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Each Handy Switch comes with a switch and the remote receiver. You
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Handy Switch only works with lamps or other devices that plug into
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The range is approximately 60 feet, and the radio frequency it uses
will penetrate walls.
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Parting Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: Why do Jehovah's Witnesses all have inverted nipples?
A: (Homeowner jabbing finger at doorbell ringer's chest) "Get off my
porch!!"
Q: What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with a Hell's
Angel?
A: You get a guy who knocks on your door at 7:30am and tells YOU to f$
%# off...
Q: What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with a
Unitarian?
A: Someone who goes from door to door for no apparent reason.
Q: What do you get when you cross an atheist with a Jehovah's Witness?
A: Someone who goes around the neighborhood knocking on doors for no
reason whatsoever.
I was pulled over in Massachusetts for reckless driving. When brought
before the judge, I was asked if I knew what the punishment for drunk
driving in that state was. I said, "I don't know...reelection to the
Senate?"
Emo Phillips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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When we
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On top of that, it also has great sound; picking up all the noises in
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For those that feel the need to keep an eye on things while they are
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bonus Chip
~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Y'all got any American razor blades in here?" the Texan asked the
London pharmacist. All I see
are the damn Wilkinsons." "Sir," the Englishman patiently
replied. "Wilkinson has been producing
the finest surgical instruments. weapons and razors since before
Waterloo.""I don't give a dam if
they passed them out on Noah's Ark, if they ain't any good." the
Texan retorted. "I can assure you
they are very good sir. "the peeved druggist said. "Why just last
year. my wife swallowed one. It gave
her a tonsillectomy, an appendectomy, a hysterectomy, circumcised the
gardener, emasculated a
neighbor,cut two of the delivery boy's fingers at the knuckle - and I
still got 10 shaves out of it."
Calif Jack
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cutting boards, counters, plates and dishes - all of these things
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn
Vol 1200
Money on the Side
BJ: I haven't seen the dogs this morning. Do you know where they
are Diana?
Diana: Yes, they are trying out for a part in a TV commerical.
BJ: All three of them?
Diana: Well, there is one opening, maybe two.
BJ: I hope there isn't any hard feelings for whoever doesn't get
it.
Diana: Yeah, perhaps none of them will get it.
BJ: When will they be back?
Diana: They were picked up by the agency about an hour ago and
will be dropped of again in about two hours.
Time passes...
A van slows down by the house and the dogs are let out.
Katie: I can't believe it....They did not choose me. My acting
skills
are legendary...
BJ: There there Katherine..take this hanky.
Katie: Honk!! Thanks father. I must go and gather myself.
Rudy: Look at me...look at me...I am destroyed. I thought as a lean,
mean fighting machine, I would have conquered the role. Twas not
to be my day in the sun. Excuse me dad as I collect my wits.
BJ: Err sorry Rudy.
Sandi comes in and lays down next to BJ.
BJ: Sorry about the day Sandi.
Sandi: What do you mean?
BJ: I mean I am sorry the three of you were so disappointed.
Sandi: Oh, they will be fine. Oh, by the way. I got the part.
The herd in Guthrie
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Adult Adult Adult
Remember 9/11/01
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