THE POSTMAN
So, I am sitting at the breakfast table. you know
that morning drill...watch the war dept. munch her
toast while I sip my coffee. She has got that look
in her eye. You married guys all know it? The one that
says "oh oh, I am in trouble..."Anyways I knew she
had something to say....
"What???"
"Oh its nothing."
"When you say its nothing that means its something."
"Well, I just think you should step up your game plan
with the healthy living thing."
I groan heavily. She is right you know. But being
a stubborn man, I cannot admit that to her.
So I say...
"I have to eat a lot of cake. And I certainly cannot
do a lot of that excersize stuff."
"why?"
"Its obvious, when an evil clown tries to pull me
into the sewer and I won't fit. See, I will still
survive."
(Given the way she rolled her eyeballs at me,
you know how women do that, right?I am
guessing she didn't agree with my premise.)
ENJOY THE JOKES
“My teenage daughter came home in a rage.
‘I’ve just done sex education in school today, Dad!
You lied to me! You told me if I
have sex before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend will die!’
I put down my paper: ‘Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will.’ ”
The year is 2252 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating
enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking
about all sorts of things.Mike asks if Mars has a stock-market, if they have
laptop computers, how they make money, etc.Finally, Maureen brings up the
subject of sex. “Just how do you guys do it?” asks Maureen.
“Pretty much the way you do,” responds the Martian.Discussion ensues
and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.
Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips.
He’s got only a teeny, weeny member about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.
I don’t think this is going to work,” says Maureen. “Why?” he asks, “What’s the matter?”
“Well,” she replies, “It’s just not long enough to reach me!”
“No problem,” he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm.
With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it’s quite impressively long.
“Well,” she says, “That’s quite impressive, but it’s still pretty narrow…”
“No problem,” he says, and starts pulling his ears.
With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement
is extremely exciting to the woman.“Wow!” she exclaims, as they fell into bed
and made mad, passionate love.The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners
and go their separate ways. As they walk along, Mike asks “Well, was it any good?”
“I hate to say it,” says Maureen, “but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?”
“It was horrible,” he replies. “All I got was a headache. All she kept doing the whole
time was slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.”
A Girl's First Time
As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an
excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.He asks if you’re afraid
and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it’s the first time
his finger has found the right place.He probes deeply and you shiver; your body
tenses; but he’s gentle like he promised he’d be.He looks deeply within your eyes
and tells you to trust him-he’s done this many times before.His cool smile relaxes
you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. You begin
to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you
as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue
give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood
as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it’s too painful. Your
eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins
going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you.
After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of
you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells
you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.
You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.
A construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw.
He spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can’t hear him.
So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.He pointed to his eye meaning “I”,
pointed to his knee meaning “need”, then moved his hand back and forth in a hand
saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips
out his chop and starts masturbating.The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs
down to the ground floor and says, “What the f–k is your problem!!!
I said I needed a hand saw!”.
The other guy says, “I knew that! I was just trying to tell you – I’m coming!”
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife’s arm.
The wife turns over and says “I’m sorry honey, I’ve got a gynecologist appointment
tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.”
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
“Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?”
Husband: “I don’t know why you wear a bra, you’ve got nothing to put in it.”
Wife: “You wear briefs, don’t you?”
when her clothes do not fit
on the couch
stay in a good mood
caught cheating
police warning
milk
show me
trying to steal my identity
and you thought
the cat in the hat
don't eat the hard bit
pee on the cat
sorting laundry
a work of art
a spare tire
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