Adult Adult
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
Car problems are a never ending thing. I went to pick
up Buffy last week and the Sunbird died in the middle
of the road. The lights had gotten real dim first so
I managed to get a jump and limped home, turning the
headlights off at each stop light. We suspect the
alternator. Buffy dug the Jimmy out and after a jump
it fired up. She drove it to work for a few days
and then noticed the temperature gauge was reading high.
I checked the coolant and we drove it to my mom's for
Christmas. The temperature gauge pegged out. It wasn't
acting like it was overheating and the radiator only had
a little pressure on it. Nephew replaced the thermostat
just to be sure and it is still reading hot so now
I figure it probably in the sending unit. Too bad it
isn't a computer, those last me longer and I can have
my sister fix it when they are broke.
You gotta feel sorry for Paris Hilton after her
grandfather'
a rich heiress with a criminal record to being poor
with a criminal record in a day. How's that for a Christmas
present from your grandfather? Oh well I guess the next
time she gets picked up for a traffic infraction she
will be with the general population, just like we would.
Woke up to the news of the assassination of President
Bhutto of Pakistan. My condolences to the people of
Pakistan at the loss of a great leader.
Enjoy the chips... buffalo
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Deaf Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
One very dark and stormy night a travelling salesman was driving
along a country road. The rain was so heavy he could hardly see two
feet in front of him. He decided that he should stop for the night
but didn't know where. Just then he saw a faint light in the
distance and headed toward it. It was a big old country house and
the lights were on.
"This is great!" he thought and, mustering up the courage, opened the
car door and ran for the house. He knocked hard on the front door.
An elderly lady answered with her left breast hanging out and she was
rubbing it. Shocked the man ventured a look in and saw an equally
elderly man walking down the stairs holding and umbrella and
masturbating furiously. He thought that this was a little too weird
even for him and ran back to the car.
A couple of miles down the road he was lucky enough to see another
light and thought that his luck may be better here. He stopped the
car, worked up the courage and ran for the front door. He knocked
and waited. An old man answered the door.
"Excuse me but I'm worried about driving in this storm and was hoping
you could put me up just for the night," he explained. The old man
was sympathetic "Normally I would but I've got all my relatives
staying with me from the city. But about two miles back down the
road is an elderly couple with plenty of room".
"I've been there" said the salesman "And they are really strange. She
has her left breast out rubbing it and he is holding an umbrella and
masturbating.
"Oh don't worry about them" the old man explained,"They'
dumb. She's telling him to go milk the cows and he's telling her to
get stuffed, it's raining."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Present Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Before Christmas, Pat asked Mike, "Michael, what would you be
getting your wife for Christmas?"
Michael responded, "She made me a list, Pat but I haven't checked
it out, yet. I'll probably end up giving her the same thing I
gave her last year. It's a brooch that she never used; I'll take it
out of her jewelry box and wrap it up - She'll never know the
difference."
Pat asked, "How can you be so unfeeling on Christmas, Michael? It's
Christmas, Michael; splurge a bit and maybe she'll get you something
nice, too."
Mike said, "Not very likely, Pat. We've been playing this game for
years. I give her the brooch and I get the same thing year iin and
year out."
Pat asked, "What is it you get every year?"
Mike responded, "I get a pair of slippers and a piece of ass and
they're both too big.? "
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Dating Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dictionary Of Dating
ATTRACTION the act of associating horniness with a particular
person.
LOVE AT1st SIGHT what occurs when two extremely horny, but not
entirely choosy people meet.
DATING the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and
energy
to
get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in
the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.
BIRTH CONTROL avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing
special pills, inserting a diaphram, using a condom, and dating
repulsive men.
EASY a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a
man.
EYE CONTACT a method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a
man
that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many
woman have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not
necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a
woman's eyes are not located in her chest.
FRIEND a member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some
flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.
INDIFFERENCE a woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted
to by
the
man as "playing hard to get."
INTERESTING a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do
all the
talking.
IRRITATING HABIT what the endearing little qualities that initially
attract two people to each other turn into after a few months
together.
LAW OF RELATIVITY how attractive a given person appears to be is
directly
proportionate to how unattractive your date is.
NYMPHOMANIAC a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more
often than he does.
SOBER condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Toon Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Some of you may be wondering what ever happened to some famous
cartoon characters after they made their big splash. Well, I caught
up with a few of them, and these are some of the results:
The Grinch
Changed his name to Gingrich and became Speaker of the House.
Frosty the Snowman (my personal favorite)
Became Frosty the Snowwoman after he had his snowballs removed.
Captain Crunch
Was demoted to Sargeant Crunch due to a decline in sales.
Charlie Brown
Was fired as a spokesman for Rogaine after he discovered the stuff
didn't
work for him.
Snow White
Fired by the head of DisneyWorld after she said she was feeling
Bashful.
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Head Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A young woman has just given birth to her son, but the Doctor won't
let her see him. "I'm afraid", says the Doctor, "that he's a litle
disabled..." But the woman, her mind filling with love for her new
son, demands to see him. Sure enough, the Doctor shows her her baby -
a handsome, healthy boy - but - just a head. He has no body.... "I
know he's lacking in some limbs," , says the Doctor, " (like all
four), but he is a minor miracle - he is in perfect health..." So,
the woman and her husband take him home, call him 'Eddie', and set
about building a normal, healthy family life.
Ediie's first, second, third and fourth birthdays come and go without
a
hitch.
Then comes his fifth. His mother is looking for him to come and open
his birthday present. "Where's Eddie?", she asks her husband. "Oh,
he's having a roll in the garden". She goes into the garden, and
shouts "Eddie, Eddie!" "What Mum?" "It's your birthday, Eddie" "I
know Mum" "Don't you want to come and open your present?" "Oh fuck
off. It'll only be another hat."
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Flying Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
buffalo says if they throw you out of the plane at
40,000 for any of these don't blam me
Long international flights
Some fun things to do the next time you're on one of
those long international flights to kill time...
Pinch the stewardess' butt as she passes.
When two people kiss in the in flight movie, belch real
loud.
When there's any nudity, hoot really loudly for a few
minutes.
Fart loudly and act shocked, looking around to see who
did it.
Fiddle around with the emergency exit, then ask a fellow passenger if
he has a crowbar.
Hijack the cockpit and, over the loudspeaker, announce
that the first class passengers and luggage are to switch places.
Run down the aisle screaming, "He's got a bomb! He's
got a bomb!".
Go into the bathroom and make rude bodily noises, then
come out looking refreshed.
"Accidental" soda spill on the dork next to you.
Give someone a coin, saying "Heads, I detonate the
bomb. Tails, I don't".
Go into the bathroom, drop your pants, then come out,
yelling "We're out of toilet paper! Stewardess!"
Describe your sex life in great detail to the five-year-
old next to you.
Lead a bible study session in the back of the plane.
Start a hot dog stand.
Steal businessman'
Remark that perhaps you shouldn't have put super glue
in your underpants that morning.
Pick your nose and pat the person next to you.
Show off your Batman underwear.
Switch accents and see if anyone notices.
Sneak into the cockpit and hit the warning alarm.
Scratch your butt, then sniff your finger.
Go into the cockpit, flick on the intercom light, then
loudly inquire as to why the fuel dial says "e".
Go into the cockpit, ask the pilot in an obnoxious voice
"Why do they call it the COCKpit?" then snort as if it's
the funniest thing in the world.
Don't use deodorant, then "accidentally" stick your
armpit in someone's face.
Sneeze, using somebody's sleeve instead of your hand
to cover it.
Snort when you laugh.
Tell corny jokes and laugh like it's absolutely hilarious,
then expect others to do the same.
Ride carry-on luggage down the aisle, yelling "Yeee-
ha!".
With a desperate look, ask the stewardess where the
bathroom is, then look relieved and say "Never mind. Do
you have any towels?".
Jump up and scream "AAAHHH!! I left the stove on!!".
Ask someone for their autograph, pretending that you
think they're Kevin Costner or Goldie Hawn (This best
then the person looks nothing like the movie star in
question)
If someone has a bad toupee, whack it off.
Pretend you're flying the plane.
Get some rub-on tattoos and a leather jacket, pretend
that you belong to a biker gang.
Take over the plane with a toy gun.
Yell to someone "Is it time to hijack the plane yet?"
(Note: Do this when there are stewardess nearby).
To the person next to you, say "It's amazing that they
didn't notice the grenade in my luggage.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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LynnLynn's Links
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Napkin Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
I understand that this is an actual letter from an Austin woman sent
to American company Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine
products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph...
Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years
and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the Leak Guard
Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding
or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and
down the beach in tight, white shorts.
But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings.
Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial
it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and
secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered
from 'the curse'? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the
month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal
forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from
now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband
likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the
human body amazing?
As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt
seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your
customers monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know
about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our
intense mood swings, crying, jags, and out-of-control behavior. You
surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last
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Crazy!
The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is
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Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to
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pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these
words: 'Have a Happy Period.'
Are you fucking kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your
tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling,
laughing happiness, is possible during a menstrual period? Did
anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did
it, James?
FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never
be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack your self
up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you
don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle
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For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to
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or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong', or are you just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective
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chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will
certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your
brand of condescending bull shit.
And that's a promise I will keep. Always!.
Best, Wendi Aarons Austin , TX
Jim Tenn
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Toon Chips
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Limerick Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A lassie got married in Leicester.
Her mother kissed her as she blessed her.
Said she, "you're in luck,
He's a bloody good fuck,
For I've screwed him myself down in Chester.
____________
A handsome young woman named Hannah,
Did wild, wet things with a banana.
Her legs spread wide
The banana inside
And her audience shouting "Hosanna!"
____________
There was a young man of Ostend
Whose wife caught him fucking her friend.
"It's no use, my duck,
Interrupting our fuck,
For I'm damned if I draw till I spend."
<Snagged by>
Ross
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Parting Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have
his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so
he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store
and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then
stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of
chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside
the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases
home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached
by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked,
"Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"
The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is
very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry
this lot."
The old lady suggested, " Why don't you put the can of
paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put
a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in
your other hand?"
"Why, thank you very much," he said and proceeded to
walk the old girl home.
On the way he says, "Let's take my short cut and go down
this alley. We'll be there in no time."
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said,
"I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.
How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't
hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have
your way with me?"
The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket,
a gallon of paint two chickens, and a goose. How in the
world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and
do that?"
The old lady replied, "Well.. Set the goose down, cover
him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket,
and I'll hold the chickens!"
Randy
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Bonus Chip
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman walks into Tiffany's. She browses around, spots a beautiful
diamond bracelet,
and walks over inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely,
she inadvertently breaks wind.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has
noticed her little accident
and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.
As she turns around. her worst nightmare materializes in the form of
a salesman standing
right behind her.
Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the
salesman with, "Good day
Madam. How may we help you today.
Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have
been there at the time of
her little accident, she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely
bracelet?"
He answers, "Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to
shit when I tell you the price."
Calif Jack
~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn
Vol 1183
Rudy's Overacting
Rudy is the most emotional dog of the three. All he knew is Ginger
was ill and then went bye bye.
So this past weekend Diana and I went to visit grandkids, who had
the stomach virus. I caught it, came home and went straight to bed
about 4 pm and slept for 16 hrs. Each dog has their quirks. Katie
licks my 'owies.' I have mentioned that if she licks something that
does not hurt, I am heading to the doctor because she has always
been right. If my wrist hurts, she licks it, same for my knee. So
when
I had my stomach virus she was licking my stomach. How does she
know? When I had a seizure, she licked my head. She is my dog scan.
Sandi curls up to me and keeps me company....however, Rudy...
Rudy was whining and whimpering and carrying on.
Rudy: You're gonna die, aren't ya pops!
BJ: No, I am not. I am just ill.
Rudy: Ginger was ill, then you came home and said, Ginger owie,
ginger
bye bye.
BJ: I have an owie, but I am not Bye-bye.
Rudy: A-Rooo, you are trying to make me feel better I just know it.
BJ: Come here you big galoot, let me rub you neck.
Rudy: Feels good for a dying pops.
BJ: I am not dying.
Rudy: Well, okay, but I will stand guard over you.
BJ: Very well, keep the monsters away.
The herd in Guthrie
(and he did stand guard over me. The next day he was so thrilled I
did
not go bye-bye he was running all over the place like a puppy. He
barked at me...he never done that before..he was very happy.)
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Adult Adult Adult
Remember 9/11/01
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