Adult Adult
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
For those of you not use to the effects of winter,
from our archives, the winter glossary.
I know many have not seen the stuff except on TV and know nothing of
the terminology so here it is buffalo style.
Snow: white fluffy crystals of water and toxic matter.
Snow Man: made from snow, assembly required.
Snow Showers.: light snowfall
Scattered Snow Showers: Falls on your yard but not the neighbors.
Snow Flurries: Snow propelled by wind like in the movies.
Blizzard : lots of snow real fast for days . Will fill a 16 oz. cup
in seconds add sugar and M&Ms and save 2.49 at McDonalds.
Hypothermia : lowering of the body's core temperature to the point
where you start writing jokelists 12 months of the year. May lead to
death if you aren't thawed out occasionally
Now everyone knows why Doc Chuck shared all the survival stories with
you. We have it on good authority that this will be a mini Ice Age
and soon you will be able to ice skate all over the swamps of the
South and Hockey will become the sport of choice.
Enjoy the chips.. buffalo
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Phone Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tom was in Las Vegas gambling and having a run of bad luck. He lost
all his money and was now waiting for his bank to wire him some more.
He was on his way up to his hotel room when he meets a beautiful
hooker in the elevator. He is smitten with her and tells her that he
wants to make love to her right now.
The hooker says, "Honey, if you got the cash, we can make your wish
come
true."
Tom realizes he doesn't have any money on him yet and tells the
hooker that he will have the money in about an hour or so.
The hooker says, "No money, no lovin'"
Tom pleads with her but the hooker does not give in.
She tells him that when he gets the money she will be more than happy
to oblige him, but she actually does find Tom attractive so she
reaches write on it the following - Gloria 357-6262, when you have
$$$.
Tom returns to his room and a couple of hours later, the money from
his bank finally arrives.
He immediately rushes to the phone to call his "dream woman".
He unzips his pants so he can retrieve the number off his penis, but
alas his erection was gone and in order to read the number he starts
rubbing his penis frantically.
At that very moment, the maid entered his room to clean and shrieked
at this sight.
Tom says to the maid, "Don't worry, I'm just trying to make a phone
call."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Yooper Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Twas da night before Christmas in dis Yooper house,
and nuttin' was stirrin', not even our mouse.
The rest of da family was all fast asleep
wit' visions of pasties delivered by jeep.
Da swampers was hung by da chiminey wit care
in hopes dat Saint Nicolas soon would be dere.
And in da far corner it was lovely to see
the Bosch cans and cabbage dat hung from da tree.
Ma home from the mine and me out on parole,
she was snuggled in bed; I was perched on da bowl.
Then alluva sudden da house starts to shudder,
some nut's on da roof and he broke da rain gutter.
He jumps down the chimney and swears cause it's tight
As I hide behind beer cases, way outta sight.
He lands in da fireplace scorching his hair
on a busted up orange crate still burning in nere.
He climbs outta da fireplace and I take a long look,
he's just like they show him in my coloring book.
With vodka-glazed eyes and a stomach like a bubble,
a five-day-old beard and dere's soot on his stubble.
His teeth when he smiles look like Grampa's weed-saw,
and he wore tennis shoes big as grizzly bear's paw.
This old Yooper elf gives me nothing to fear
as he heads for da kitchen for cookies and beer.
He kills off a six pack then belches and smirks,
and reaches into the playdoh sack, ready to work.
Now under da tree he's starting to set
the most beautiful presents us Yoopers can get.
Dere's a new pastymatic and snowblower for mother,
a steel chainsaw and some swampers for brother.
Some mud flaps, CB, and new-used weedwacker,
a helmet and nightshirt dat say "Green Bay Packers".
He close up da sack and he jumps in da coals
and hollering "OUCH!", up the chiminey he rose.
He grunted and groaned as he tossed out his bag
and cracked such a beer fart (ugh) I'm starting to gag.
I must watch him leave so I rushes outside,
I looks up at da roof while in bushes I hide.
And what does I see when I looks through da twigs?
A rusted old car body, pulled by eight pigs!
Santy jumped in and he gave 'em all hell,
"Let's go all yous pigs, don't just sit there and smell!
On Mushy and Mushy and Lempy and Joe
and all a you's others what names I don't know.
Fly over Negaunee and turn to da right,
we make Houghton-Hancock before I get tight."
Then I hear him exclaim with a cynical sneer
"Pull in at dat Bosch sign, I run outta beer!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Married Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A husband and wife go visit a marriage counselor.
First, the wife speaks to the counselor alone.
The counselor asks, "You say you've been married 20 years, so what
seems to
be the problem?"
The wife replies, "It's my husband, he's driving me crazy! I'm
going to
leave him if he continues!"
"How does he drive you crazy?"
"For 20 years," she says, "he's been doing these stupid things.
First,
whenever we go out, he's always looking at the floor and refuses to
go near
anyone. It's very embarrassing.
The marriage counselor is amused, "Anything else?"
"He keeps picking his nose all the time! Even in public!"
"Hmm, anything else?"
The wife hesitates, "whenever we're making love, he NEVER lets me be
on top!
Once in a while, I'd like to be in control!"
"Ah," says the counselor, "I think I'll talk to your husband now."
So the wife goes out of the room and the husband enters.
The counselor tells him, "Your wife says that you've been driving her
crazy.
She might even leave you."
The husband looks shocked, "WHAT? For 20 years I've been loving and
considerate and I've always given her what she wants! What could be
the
problem?"
The counselor explains, "She says that you've got these habits that
are
driving her crazy. First, you're always acting strange in
public ...
looking at the floor and never going near anyone else."
The husband looks concerned, "Oh, you don't understand! It's one of
the
few things my father told me to do on his death bed and I swore I'd
obey
everything he said."
"What did he say?"
"He said that I should never step on anyone's toes!"
The counselor looks amused, "Actually, that means that you should not
do
anything that would cause anyone else to get angry."
The husband looks sheepish, "Oh. Okay."
The counselor continues, "And you keep picking your nose in public."
"Well, its another thing my father specifically commanded me to do!
He
told me to always keep my nose clean."
The counselor looks faint, "That means that you should not indulge in
any
criminal activity."
"Oh," says the husband feeling very stupid.
"And finally, she says that you never allow her to be on top during
your
lovemaking."
"This," says the husband seriously, "is the last thing my father
commanded
me to do on his deathbed and it's the most important thing."
"What did he say?" asks the counselor
"With his dying breath, he said, 'Don't screw up.'"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Nun Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was Friday, and four nuns went to the priest at the local Catholic
church to ask for the weekend off. They argued back and forth for a
few minutes. Finally the priest agreed to let them leave the convent
for the weekend. "However", he said, "as soon as you get back Monday
morning I want you to confess to me what you did over the weekend."
The
four nuns agree, and run off.
Monday comes, and the four nuns return. The first nun goes to the
priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest
asks, "What did you do, Sister?" She replies, "I watched an R-rated
movie." The priest looks up at heaven for a few seconds, then replies,
"You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water." The first nun leaves,
and the fourth nun begins to chuckle quietly under her breath.
The second nun then goes up to the priest and says, "Forgive me,
Father, for I have sinned." The priest replies, "OK, what happened?"
She says, "I was driving my brother's car down the street in front of
his house, and I hit a neighbors dog and killed it." The priest looks
up to heaven for half a minute, then says, "You are forgiven. Go and
drink the holy water." The second nun goes out. By this time, the
fourth nun is laughing quite audibly.
Then the third nun walks to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father,
for I have sinned." The priest asks, "Out with it. What did you do?"
She says, "Last night, I ran naked up and down Main Street." The
priest
looks up at heaven for a full five minutes before responding, "God
forgives you. Go and drink the holy water." She leaves.
The fourth nun falls on the floor, laughing so hard tears run down her
cheeks. The priest asks her, "OK. What did you do that was so darn
funny?" The fourth nun replies, "I peed in the holy water..."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Repair Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
MAKING YOUR SERVICEMAN FEEL WELCOME
1. Do not call for service until everyone that uses the machine has
had a
chance to correct the problem. Whenever possible, all controls and
adjusting
screws should be turned.
2. After several days, when the machine malfunction has become a
major
emergency, place an urgent call for service. Fridays are best but
anytime
after 4 pm is fine.
3. The minute the serviceman arrives, ask what caused the delay.
Make it
clear how desperately you need the machine and ask when it will be
back in
service.
4. The machine should be practically inaccessible due to boxes of
recycled
computer paper and cards. Make certain that the lights are off in
the room
where the machine is located and no one is oin the area that knows
how to
turn them on. Always have one or two half-cups of coffee lying
about.
5. Hide the service history log. Keep making refrence to the man
who was
here for the same problem last week.
6. Alert all personnel that the serviceman has arrived so that each
one can
drop by and give their version of what is wrong, and provide
suggestions on
how to fix it.
7. Have at least eight graduate engineers drop by to ask highly
technical
questions which are in no way related to the immediate problem.
8. Assign someone to supervise the repair. A person who has never
seen the
machine before is preferred. And one who can keep up a steady stream
of
chatter is a plus.
9. Wait until there are parts and pieces spread out all over the
floor, then
ask when the machine will be ready.
10. Wait until the service man is looking at a schematic diagram and
then
ask him "what that thingamabob is for." After you have his
attention, ask
again when it will be fixed and mention that "time is money, you
know."
11. When the repair is completed, tell him what a swell job he did.
Tell
him the job should be swell-- it took long enough.
12. Ask the serviceman what the rates are, and then ask for a
discount
because you are such a good customer.
13. After he is gone, call his supervisor and say the machine is
worse now
than before. Follow up with a letter and copies to the home office.
14. Follow these rules faithfully and remember the serviceman's
motto: "DO
UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY CAN DO IT TO YOU."
15. Computer hardware is like an erect penis: It stays up if you
don't fuck
with it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Christmas Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why the Little Angel is at the top of the Christmas Tree ...
On Christmas Eve Santa Claus was getting ready for his annual
trip. As he
pulled his favorite pair of red pants on, they ripped. So, he had to
take
them off and put on another pair, which was a bit too tight. He then
went to
check on the rest of the preparations. The elves were on strike. The
reindeer had shin-splints. At this point, Santa was BUMMED. He went
into
the kitchen to take a calming drink, and the bottle was EMPTY. Now
he was
really mad.
All of sudden, there was a knock at the door. Santa, in his angry
state,
ignored it. There was another knock. Santa was in no mood for all
of this.
When the knock came again, Santa--filled with rage--threw open the
door.
Standing there was a little angel who said, "Hi Santa! What do you
want me
to do with this Christmas Tree?"
------------
One evening, in a busy lounge in the deep south, a reindeer walked in
the
door, bellied up to the bar and ordered a martini. Without batting an
eye,
the bartender mixed and poured the drink, set it in front of the
reindeer,
and accepted the twenty-dollar bill from the reindeer's hoof.
As he handed the reindeer some coins in change, he said "You know, I
think
you're the first reindeer I've ever seen in here."
The reindeer looked hard at the hoofful of change and said "Hmmmpf.
Let me
tell you something, buddy. At these fuckin' prices, I'm the _last_
reindeer
you'll see in here."
------------
Santa Claus makes his way down the chimney, and is met by a lovely
young
woman in a robe. She says "Santa, how about giving me a special
present. I
know you'd like to come into my bedroom."
Santa responds "Ho! Ho! Ho! Gotta go. Gotta go. Gotta deliver all
these toys
to the children you know."
The lovely young thing peels off her robe, revealing a skimpy
negligee.
Santa looks up from his sack of gifts, and she says "I've got
something
special for you Santa. Can't you stay for just a little while? I
know you
want me. Let me make this Christmas eve unforgetable.
Santa responds "Ho! Ho! Ho! Gotta go. Gotta go. Gotta deliver all
these toys
to the children you know."
Not to be denied, she strips off the negligee, revealing her naughty
bits,
and they were quite nice naughty bits, I might add. And she
says "Santa,
this is your last chance. This body is your gift."
Santa responds "Hey! Hey! Hey! Gotta stay. Gotta Stay. Can't get up
the
chimney with my dick this way!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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LynnLynn's Links
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Tech Talk ( Computers and Web-tv)
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Short Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
They were out on their first date. He drove into
the country, pulled off the road and parked the
car. The girl was obviously frightened.
"You shouldn't be scared," he soothed. "I'm
a nice guy."
"I know all about you," she said trembling.
"Yeah?"
"Yeah!" she replied. "My mother does your laundry."
************
The 80-year-old man sat down in the orthopedic
surgeon's office.
"You know, Doc," he said, "I've made love in more exotic
cars than anyone I know. Must be at least a thousand."
"And now, I suppose, you want me to treat you for
the arthritis you got from scrunching up in all those
uncomfortable positions," the doctor replied.
"Hell, no," the old fellow replied. "I want to borrow
your Lamborghini!
Randy
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Toon Chips
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Limerick Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
An ingenious botanist named Pace,
Grew cunts in pots at his place.
When they ripened, he'd pluck 'em
And eat them or fuck them--
They were simpler to grow than to chase.
____________
I went out to make chicken soup
I boiled up my pot near the coop
And grabbed up a hen
Then quick tossed her in
Job's done in one mighty fowl swoop
(Gary Hallock)
____________
A worried young man from Stamboul,
Discovered red spots on his tool.
Said the doctor, a cynic,
"Get out of my clinic;
Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool."
<snagged by>
Ross
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Parting Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
At The Mailbox
A young man had just moved into a new apartment of his very own and
went
to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.
While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next
to the
mailboxes, wearing a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she
started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped
open, and it
was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a
sweat
trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's
go to my
apartment, I hear someone coming.' He followed her into her
apartment. She
closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off
completely.
Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say my best feature is?'
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your
ears.'
Astounded, and a little hurt, she asked, 'My ears? Look at these
breasts - they
are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm
and
solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think
that the
best part of my body is my ears?'
Clearing his throat, he stammered .... 'Outside, when you said you
heard
someone coming ............ that was me.'
Jim Tenn
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Bonus Chip
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Every year, Grandma and her grandkids, Suzy, Jill, and Billy come
stay with her over
Christmas. And every Christmas eve they would make a big bowl of
cookie dough so
they could make cookies on Christmas day. And every time, the next
morning the
cookie dough would be gone. The grandma could never catch them, so
this year she
put metal bb's in the cookie dough. The next morning, the cookie
dough was gone and
soon Suzy came running down the stairs
Grandma, I went to the bathroom to pee and bb's came out.
"Suzy." grandma said. "I know you've been eating cookie dough. Sit
down," Then Jill came
down and said "Grandma, I went poo and there were bb's in it."
"Jill, I know you've been eating cookie dough. Sit down." About five
minutes later Billy came down.
"Grandma something terrible has happened. I was jerking off in the
bathroom and I shot the cat.
Calif Jack
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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.Never can get the dates you want - when you want them?
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.Just don't have the time to deal with it like you thought you would?
.Tried multiple "Listing Services" in the past with little or no
success?
Introducing an alternative to the Traditional Listing Services..
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Pig Who Saved Christmas
My mom and I were poor when I was young. I remember once when
my father gave her ten dollars(he owed thousands), she cried. She
worked
two jobs to support us and I sold donuts in the neighborhood(
25 cents
for every box sold).
We didn't have a car, but we had each other. The divorce was
though on
mom and on me. The stigma of a divorced woman back in the early 50's
is
so much different than today.
If I wanted to see a movie I would go downtown on Saturdays,
catch a
serial, a feature for free. I would walk home to save the 25 cents
for the bus
ride. The walk was about eight miles one way.
The point is, Christmas was an imposing time for us. How could
we have
money for Christmas. Well mom had an idea. She bought us a red
plaster
pig and we would put pennies into it. As Christmas would near, the
pig
would divulge it's contents and that would be our Christmas. I know
this pig
holds about 30-35 dollars in pennies. I would get 1/2 of the money
and mom
would get 1/2 and off we would go to buy our presents. A person can
get a lot
for 15 dollars if they are careful, pencils, papers, some board
games, a few
books, some toys could all be purchased for less than 15 dollars. I
would buy
mom some costume jewelry, perfume and maybe a teddy bear.
No we didn't have the expensive gifts, but we had ourselves a
wonderful
Christmas each year thanks to our special pig(which I still have).
B.J. Cassady
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Adult Adult Adult
Remember 9/11/01
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