What does it take to give up?
I don't remember a Christmas when I wasn't skiing.
Well, that's not true, there was last year, and that year I got cancer, and all those years in between the seventies and 2005 when I was stuck in L.A., wondering what to do with myself when the world stopped and I didn't want it to.
You grow up in a family. Well, maybe you don't. Maybe you're the child of a single parent. Or sans parents. I'm not familiar with your experience, but the suburbs? I know those by heart.
And in the pre-internet era, if you lived in the suburbs you were disconnected, all you could do was dream. You had to go to the city, New York or L.A., to take your chance on the spinning wheel of entertainment, even more. But the truth is most people don't have the chutzpah, they're just too scared to leave their comfort zone, or maybe they've got no direction except home. Why do people not dream? Maybe it's society, it does its best to squeeze the creativity out of you, makes you conform, so you can be a good little worker on the assembly line of life. But what if that life isn't for you?
The truth is it's easiest to go straight. And if you're from the suburbs your parents wanted you to go straight, they weren't rich, they wanted you to be able to leave the nest and keep flying, they wanted you to get a college education, to be prepared, and then a professional degree, to begin your working life one step ahead of everybody else. And to defy your parents, that takes a will most people don't have, therefore the world is riddled with baby boomers who look back and wonder, what if they took the path less taken, what if they invested in their dreams, what if they hadn't borrowed so much money, what if they weren't tied to their job, THEN WHAT?
On the other side you've got the people watching the world pass them by as they pursue their dream, and usually never achieve it. At first they can live without the money. But then there's the house, the car, the family, and then it's too late, you can never catch up. Either it's your dream or second class citizenry.
And everybody's invested in your dream, but only for a short while. They'll support you, come to your show, and then they won't, they believe you're being juvenile, that you need to grow up, everybody else conformed, why can't you?
I'm not talking about the desperate, who will do anything to make it, many times they do. Then again, the risk is so much smaller, if they fall back to earth they haven't missed much, just drudgery on the assembly line.
And the truth is it is drudgery. So you live to get high, have sex and be entertained by music, movies and television. Without those three there'd be little reason to live, life would be in black and white, and we all need a little color to make it worthwhile.
But there are a zillion people for each slot. And most are full of it...you know, doo-doo. They tell you about their past, who they know, but they never go anywhere. And then there are those who make it their business to complain about the system, saying it's rigged. And then there are those for whom it seems effortless, they make it in their twenties, but what if you're about to be THIRTY!
The bigger the artist, the more unique the path, the more challenges there are to success. Because even the gatekeepers, they want something that rains down coin, they talk about risk, but take very little. As for today's internet world? Like Sly Stone sang, everybody is a star, and it's a side hustle. Occasionally it's your main hustle, but it takes so much effort to keep your head above water that you ultimately give up. Being a star today is different from yesterday, because today it is all about money, whereas before it was about the work, you were measured by your work, not the cash.
So Jonathan Larson put everything on the line to make it, and he failed.
Oh, eventually he succeeded, with "Rent," but he wasn't around to see it, he died of a heart attack, you don't have health insurance when you're poor, to go to the hospital just costs too much, so you don't. This is the reason the rich live longer than the poor, health care.
So you're sharing an apartment. You've got the college bookshelves, with the cinder blocks and wooden planks, and after a couple of years your cohorts peel off. Usually they don't talk about it, they keep it to themselves, and then suddenly they've gone straight, and there's one fewer Indian in the tribe. Can one even use that metaphor anymore? Now there are so many boxes you have to check before you can start to write, start to create, talk about inhibition.
And Larson needs one more song for his musical "Superbia," and the closer it gets to deadline, the harder it is to write. That's one of the reasons people don't risk, because when you get close to the deadline, the test, it's agony.
And then... "Superbia" fails. I'm not giving anything away. It's right there online if you do any reading. And the fact that Lin-Manuel Miranda made the picture, a tribute to his hero.
And "tick, tick...BOOM" is made for theatre nerds. If you're not one, if you're not a fan of Broadway, I don't recommend it, it will be a bit of a slog. But then it ends...
It took so much for Jonathan Larson to make it. And despite common wisdom, his Jewish parents did not support him. They support you during your education, then they cut you off, you've got to make it on your own, but that's so hard to do, there are no starting jobs that pay all the bills, you need time to create. But especially if you're the child of Jewish parents the entertainment business is anathema. Forget that Jews started Hollywood, forget all the successful actors and musicians, that was a different era, they came from nothing.
As for those who come from something... That doesn't help you much on the creative side of the equation. Maybe you can get a desk job, but when it comes to creativity you've either got it or you don't, and no amount of money can buy it. But the point is...DO YOU BELIEVE IN YOURSELF!
Not blind belief. Not the person who tries to convince you it's sunny when it's pouring outside. No, if you believe in yourself you've got a world of doubt. The inner mounting flame keeps you going, but you're not convinced you're going to make it, at most you can convince yourself you'll keep on trying.
And then as the wannabes peel off, those with early success and no follow-up become real estate agents, and you get a grasp of what it takes to make it, you can smell it, sense it. Then you know whether you've got it or not. And I'm gonna let you in on a secret, most people don't have it, that "it."
But everybody recognizes that "it" when they see it, or hear it. They yearn for it, they cut through detritus looking for it. Nothing comes close, it's the difference between masturbation and sex, the former is just a facsimile, the latter is the real deal.
Used to be the hurdles were right up front. To jump from the minor leagues to the big leagues was quite a leap, but you found out pretty quickly if you were cut out for the creative life. Now, in today's amorphous world, you're not even sure what success is, and you can woodshed for a decade, hear the words of acolytes and sycophants, and then realize you can never be a part of the club. You're in between the winners and the losers, but in truth you're a professional wannabe.
So...
Jonathan Larson made it. There were signals that kept him going, little events that kept him on the path, certain words of encouragement, but he threatened to go straight, all the winners do, like I said, they have self-doubt.
And he sacrificed love and lifestyle. A significant other will only believe in you so long, then they want the trappings. The odds of finding someone who needs it as much as you do, who will sacrifice as much as you do, are close to nil. They're all lovey-dovey, supportive, and then the switch flips, you didn't realize it was coming, and then you're confronted with a black and white choice, give up or give up everything and keep going.
So, if you're Jewish and you live in the city, on Christmas you go for Chinese food and then to the movies, maybe two. Christmas means nothing to Jews.
But now you can't go to the movies, you can't even go skiing, you're taking your life in your hands. I know, I was in Vail, I came home. Colorado is not like California, the belief is there is no Covid, no one was wearing a mask. And it's not like the news will confirm the infection rate, because that might make people leave, or not even come, and they depend on tourists.
And if you have three shots, you're not gonna die. But my two didn't give me any antibodies, and a third would do nothing, because I have no B cells. And I was depending on Regeneron's monoclonal antibodies, good at 82% for eight months, no one went to the hospital, no one died, but then Regeneron said it didn't work so well against Omicron, the study said 15%. Are you willing to take those odds?
Like I said, I'm unique. I don't know anybody else with my immune issues. And no one cares about my immune issues. Ever since Reagan the American mind-set has changed, you worry about yourself, not everybody else, not society. And the truth is life is so hard you've got to. But the irony is those who are the winners care about the losers, the challenged, the least. Philanthropy is at a higher percentage amongst the far less wealthy, they're compassionate, whereas the "job creators" are trying to disinform the public as to the reality.
That's the story today. Which is why our art often suffers, it's about the bottom line. And movie studios and record labels used to fund the challenging, the out there, the risky, that was part of their mission, but no longer. Thank god we've got Netflix, which will fund your passion project with its hands off. But how long will that last?
This is the juggernaut you're confronted with, No one is awaiting your opus, no one cares about your opus. It becomes unclear how talented you are, perseverance is as important as talent, the road is littered with the talented.
And even if you make it, you cannot get back those years gone by. Your body is beat up, you're old. No one wants to go on a month-long bike trip with you, they'd rather just relax at an expensive hotel. They're on the downslope, you're on the upslope, they're retiring, you're still going, is the equation equal, is it worth it?
Hell if I know. Only you know. Deep down inside. Only you can stay the course. Ultimately only you're the one who believes. Are you willing to put it all on the line?
Jonathan Larson did.
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