THE POSTMAN
The war dept. and daughter were getting coats
and boots on...so I ask "Where ya going?"
"We are gonna go up to Aldi to the grocery store."
"Well if you are gonna go there, pick up some
chocolate donuts, the ones with sprinkles on em."
"Just yesterday you were talking about how you
wanted to make healthier choices. Donuts are NOT
healthy." "Yes they are! Well, anyways,
donuts are a lot healthier choice than a lot of
things! For example, donuts are healthier
than crystal meth." Women, they just don't understand!
After failing to convince her of the better value
of donuts, I said. "OK just get some donuts with
no sprinkles then." You know, life is compromises,
right?
ENJOY THE JOKES
"Jimmy! I thought I told you to do the dishes after you do your
homework! Why are you watching television?" "It's okay,
Mom! I haven't done my homework yet."
This old man goes to the doctor's. ''Help, Doc. I just got married
to this 21 year old woman. She is hot and all she wants to do is
have sex all day long.'' ''So what's the problem?''
''I can't remember where I live.''
A lawyer lies dying, his partner of 40 years by his bedside. "Jack,
I've got to confess. I've been sleeping with your wife for 30 years
and I'm the father of your daughter, Hillary. On top of that, I've been
stealing from the firm for a decade." "Relax," says Jack, "and don't think
another thing about it. I'm the one who put arsenic in your martini."
A poor minister was having trouble managing his church. The
income was pitiful, the plumbing rattled, the roof leaked,
and the air conditioning didn't work. People simply wouldn't
come because of the heat. And the church didn't have the
funds to pay for any repairs. The minister got a brilliant
idea.He bought a book about hypnosis, and read it from cover to
cover. At the next service, he took out a watch and chain,
swung it back and forth, and lulled the congregation into a
hypnotic trance. He said, "I want everybody to walk down
the aisle and put $20 in the plate."They did, and he had the church's
roof fixed that week.This worked so well that the next Sunday he decided to do
it again. Taking his watch out, he proclaimed, "I want
everybody to come down the aisle and drop $100 in the
offering plate."They did, and he got the air conditioning fixed and the
parking lot redone.His third Sunday, he got to thinking, "I haven't been paid
in a long time. I deserve a little money."He started swinging his watch again,
and he thought, "I deserve a lot more than a little bit of money. I deserve
enough to go overseas and have a cottage on the beach. I
deserve a lot more."He got so excited about what he was fixing to receive,
that his hands started to sweat and as the watch slipped
from his grip, he yelled:"Shit!"
It took him two weeks to air out the church.
diet coke cola
the water is cold
our collection letter
boobs
batteries
thank you for this food
the new chew toy
give me a fish
people
Santa hires a consultant
do you see the person
the employment agency
my old girlfriends house
reindeer fly
booking Uber
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