Adult Adult
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
Randy sent the following
A property manager of single-family residence
was showing a unit to prospective tenants
and asking the usual questions.
"Professionally employed?" he asked.
"We're a military family," the wife answered.
"Children?"
"Oh, yes, ages nine and twelve," she answered
proudly.
"Animals?"
"Oh, no," she said earnestly. "They're very well
behaved."
The reason I brought this joke up is that this morning while I was
still
snoozing, about 0830, the phone rings and there is a person on the
phone that is interested about the rental unit above me. The man is
stationed in the Coast Guard, living in New Jersey and being
transferred
next month. After asking a few basic questions about utilities etc he
is
willing to send the rent and deposit, sight unseen. I suggested that
he
might want to see the apartment before renting and he asked, " Why
isn't
it a nice place?. Well sure it is a nice place and worth the 450.00 a
month
for rent on a 3 bedroom but I just think you should look before you
buy.
I referred him to the owners phone number and they can do the
necessary
negotiations. I do hope it rents to someone who wants to stay awhile
but
it has traditionally rented to college kids that stay a year or two
and then
move on after they have painted the living room green and purple. The
last couple up there were bums and lasted only two months before
eviction
started. He beat her, she moved out, he got fired, he disappeared,
she moved
back in, and in the meantime she gave my phone number to every
collection
agency that she owed money to. I finally got all of them straightened
out
so no more automated phone calls that when you call them back ask you
to
leave a message. Believe me they didn't like the message I left for
them.
BTW Nancy broke the Buffalochips website this morning. No idea when
that will be back up as there is a problem with a program on the site
that
the hosting company will have to fix.
We are also sorry tomato plants cannot be shipped to Canada.. They
don't have passports.
Enjoy the chips...buffalo
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Golf Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
*I never particularly cared about playing golf until I read this:'
Summer is here and it's golfing time....well.
time all the time!
The Rules of Bedroom Golf:
1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one
club and two balls.
2. Play on course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and
keep the balls out.
4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm
shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before
play
begins.
5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid
damage to the hole.
6. Object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until
the
owner is satisfied play is complete. Failure to do so may result in
being denied permission to play again.
7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately
upon
arrival. Experienced players will normally take time to admire the
entire course, paying special attention to well formed mounds and
bunkers.
8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played
or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played.
Upset
owners have been known to damage a players equipment for this reason.
9. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear, just in case.
10. Players should not assume that the course is in shape to play at
all
times. Players may be embarrassed if they find the course temporarily
under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this
situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play
when
this is the case.
11. Players should assume their match has been properly scheduled
particularly when playing a new course for the 1st time. Previous
players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else
is
playing what they considered a private course.
12. The owner of the course is responsible for the pruning of any
bushes, which may reduce the visibility of the hole.
13. Players are strongly advised to get the owners permission before
attempting to play the backside.
14. Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to
proceed at a quicker pace at the owners request.
15. It is considered an outstanding performance, time permitting, to
play the same hole several times in one match.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Indian Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A young fellow at the state fair stood watching an old Indian. Above
the old Indian was a sign that read, "$5.00 - If I can't tell you
where
you're from, I'll pay you $50.00!"
The young man watched a cowboy approach the Indian and ask, "Is the
sign right?".
The Indian says, "yes."
The cowboy hands him a five and says, "you're on!"
The Indian looks the cowboy up and down, noticing some cow dung on
his boots and flatly states, "you're from Wyoming."
The cowboy shakes his head and says, "I'll be darned! You're right!"
and strolls away.
A second cowboy approaches the Indian and goes through the same
routine.
Handing him the fiver, he stands and watches as the Indian looks him
up and down and notices a bit of straw and cow dung on his boots.
The Indian says, "you're from Montana!"
The cowboy, dejected as all get out, walks away.
The young man decides he's going to give the Indian a run for the
money. He
goes into the man's room, takes his boots off, scrubs them up, dries
them
off, puts on a coat of polish and approaches the Indian. He hands the
Indian a five-dollar bill and says, "do your stuff!"
The Indian looks and looks, up and down, and appears to be confused.
The young man is now thinking he's gone one up on the Indian.
The Indian then says, "You're from Arkansas!"
The young man gets really upset and can't for the life of him figure
out how
the Indian could know that, so he asks, "How in the world did you
know I'm
from Arkansas?"
The Indian replies, "by the wool on your zipper."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Lawyer Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
It could happen to you....
I always wanted a hopped up muscle car when I was
younger. I couldn't afford one. Now I can, and I have one.
It is a '70 Mustang, and her name is Bessie. Bessie is
the prototypical juvenile, male-caveman, scratch your
crotch and drink cheap beer car. Chromed engine, dual
exhaust, 250 horsepower, big tires, tra la la la.
I'm driving Bessie on Beach Boulevard behind an ancient
guy in a beat up truck. He decides to turn in front of me without a
blinker. I accelerate to swerve and avoid him, and this asshole,
overaerobicized woman jumps in front of my car with her hand up.
Meet Ethel, the neighborhood busybody/nuisance. She
proceeds to yell in my window, "Hey, slow down you
fucking idiot." I'm a well-bred, mellow guy by nature,
so I ignore this. As I drive away, she yells, "asshole"
at me again. Twice? Screw that. I turn around and drive
up next to her.
"Do you have a problem?" I ask.
"Yeah, why are you driving like an idiot?"
"I was driving like an idiot? How, exactly?"
"You were speeding. I watched you."
"You were? I see. How did you measure my speed?"
(Ever the interrogator, I am.)
"I heard you."
"So, you measured my speed by ear?"
"I can hear."
"How fast did you HEAR me going?"
"Look," she says, "I don't have to take this. Here comes a
cop. I'll wave him down."
THE POLICE? This woman is a trip. She waves him down,
and proceeds to tell him that she observed me speeding.
"What happened?" he asks. I told him the story, and told him that I
accelerated to an indicated 33 mph (the speed limit is
35) to avoid a collision.
"Are those mufflers legal?" Ethel asks.
She's pushing it. I reply, "I have a C.A.R.B. exemption for them"
then I
give the paperwork to the cop.
She tries to find another thing to screw me with. She says "What about
those big tires? They CAN'T be legal. " I began feeling little
overheated gears in the back of my head start to turn.
"These tires were available on the 1970 Boss 429, " I told the cop, "
Which makes them street legal as a replacement.
Ethel gets angry. She whines, "So you're not going to give out any
tickets to this asshole?"
The cop says, "No, I am not."
I've about had it. So I say, "Sir, this woman told you that she left
the
street at the corner, and then she met up with my car here. According
to
Title 39, pedestrians have to cross the street at a right angle. This
woman admitted she crossed at a 45-degree angle, which is a ticketable
offense."
"What?" The cop looks confused.
"Also, she told you that she walked in front of my car to stop me. A
citizen can't detain someone without probable cause, under Terry vs..
Ohio (My new favorite case). Since she couldn't measure my speed, she
had no probable cause to detain me. That is an indictable offense."
The cop says, "But, I didn't see any of this."
"But," I said, "I did, and, as an officer of the Court, I can demand
her
arrest. I'll agree to dismiss the Illegal Detention charge, but I want
her cited for not crossing at a right angle and Hazardous Conduct on a
Public Street."
The cop called his Lieutenant, and after the cop told the story, he
authorized the summonses.
She went home with $215.00 worth of traffic tickets, and they are
worth
a total of four points against her license, as well as the appropriate
insurance surcharge!
Of course, if she demands a trial I won't prosecute. But the look on
her
face as she walked away was more than enough satisfaction for me.
Yeah, I've passed the bar, and I'm on a mission from God.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Personals Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
SWM in dead-end job seeks dumpy neurotic for mutual psychological
torture, tepid sex, and co-dependency. I enjoy drinking, smoking,
pornography, and self-righteous indignation.
I can't stand movies, and the last album I bought was The Marshall
Tucker Band's Greatest Hits. I have middling intelligence but try to
appear smarter by affecting a world- weary air, memorizing useless
facts, and chuckling at my own mean-spirited, agenda-driven jokes.
I'm 32 but look 40 and feel 60. You are a whiny, bitter shrew with a
misplaced sense of entitlement and unrealistic ex- pectations. In time
you will become coolly hostile when I don't fulfill every unmet need
you've ever had. Bonus points if you just finished screwing every guy
in
town and but now want to take it slow with me.
My perfect night would include getting hammered in a sleezy
bar while you flirt with seedy old drunks, followed by an em-
barrassing
screaming match. I would be open to an unsatisfying fling that leaves
me
filled with regret and dread but prefer a long-term, soul crushing
descent into booze and pills. No friend- ships. I don't need any
goddamn
friends.
Age unimportant, but I will condescend to women under 30
and rehash mother issues with women over 40.
Serious replies only, please.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Blonde Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
1. Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman as opposed to a
regular one? ( You have to hollow out the head.)
2. Why won't they hire blondes as pharmacists?
(They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters.
3. Hear about the blonde that got an AM RADIO?
(It took her a month to realize she could play it in the afternoon.)
4. What happened to the blonde ice hockey team?
(They drowned during Spring Training.)
5. Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
(To see what was on the other side.)
6. How did the blonde die drinking milk?
(The cow stepped on her.)
7. How did the blonde burn her nose?
(Bobbing for French fries.)
8. Why do blondes have more fun?
(They're easier to amuse.)
9. What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
(Frosted flakes.)
10. Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
(They keep breaking them with their hammers.)
11. Did you hear about the blonde that shot an arrow into the air?
(She
missed.)
12. What is it when a blonde blows into another blonde's ear? (Data
transfer.)
13. Why did the blonde resolve to have only three children? (Because
she read that one child out of every four born was Chinese.)
14. Why did the blonde put make-up on her forehead?
(She wanted everyone to know that she was able to make up her mind.)
15. Why did the blonde ask her friends to save burned-out light bulbs?
(She needed them for the darkroom she was building.)
16. Why are Asians so smart?
(No blondes.)
17. What is the biggest advantage to marrying a blonde?
(You get to park in the Handicapped Zone)
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Short Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Fred's convertible glided to a halt on the edge of a lonely country
road. "I suppose," said his pretty but reluctant date, "you're going
to pull the old 'out of gas' routine." "No," said Fred, "I'm going
to
pull the 'here after' routine." "The 'here after' routine? What's
that?", she wanted to know. "If you're not here after what I'm here
after, you'll be here after I'm gone!"
Saw my mate was sporting a right shiner so I asked what happened. "I
dunno," he said. "All I said to the missus when I left for work was
'bye bye my rambling rose.' When I got in from work she was waiting
and smacked me right in the eye! As I woke up I heard her saying,
'You and your rambling rose! I been looking it up in a flower book
and know what it says? Rambling rose - no good in a bed but OK up
against a wall!'"
Horowitz was feeling ill at work, and left after lunch to go home.
He
walked into the house and found his wife Fanny in the arms of
another
man. He started to yell at the interloper, "What right have you got
to be making love to my wife?" The man answered calmly, "You may as
well know that I am in love with Fanny and I would like to marry
her.
I understand you're a gambler. Why don't you be a good sport and sit
down and play a game of gin rummy with me? If I lose, I'll never see
her again; if you lose, you must agree to divorce her.
Okay?" "Okay,"
replied Horowitz, "but just to make it a little more interesting,
why
don't we also play for a dollar a point?"
Stan Kegel
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My mom is still under sedation and on the ventilator still is very
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Short Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A wife reaches her husband a silk handkerchief and asks him: "Doesn't
this belong to your secretary?".
"Where did you find that?", he stutters.
"I didn't", she answers. "The mail man found it on your night-stand"
Stan, an elderly gentleman, opens the door to his apartment and finds
a beautiful young girl stealing his money.
Stan says, "I'm calling the police."
She says, "Please, mister, I'll be sent away for years if I'm
arrested again. Please don't call the police."
Stan says, "I have to."
She pleads, "I'll do anything. You can have my body."
Stan says, "Get in bed."
The two of them are in bed and Stan tries and tries, but nothing
happens. Finally, he gives up.
"It's no use," Stan says, "I can't do it. I'll have to call the
police."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Toon Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Accurate Weight
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Limerick Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Courting Disaster
Into court one sad day they do haul
A burlesque queen who's really a doll.
When she asks, "What's the charge?"
She finds out, by and large,
She's arrested for no gauze at all.
The judge in the case is quite kind.
He says, "Just this once, I'm inclined
To decree you go free,
If you'll promise to me,
From now on, you'll have no acts to grind."
The words of the judge do enthrall
The stripper, who then starts to bawl.
She sighs with relief
Amid disbelief.
She's grateful for such a clothes call.
The next case in front of his Honor:
A stripper, appears she's a goner.
"Indecent exposure"
The charge; her composure
Is calm; can't pin anything on her.
(By Kirk Miller)
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Parting Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
The judge had come to what he though was the end of a
settlement conference regarding a young orthodox
Jewish couple who were getting a divorce. When all
appeared to be settled he asked "Is there anything
else?"
The wife replied, "Yes! I need a 'get'."
"What" said the Judge.
At that point the husband's attorney explained 'get'
was a Jewish divorce and that his client had no
objection of including that in the Judgment Of
Divorce.
The soon to be ex-wife, realizing the Judge's lack of
knowledge regarding the Jewish religion asked, "Judge.
Do you know the difference between a get and a bris?"
"No" said the Judge. What is the difference?
"With a 'get" she explained "You get rid of the whole
schmuck!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Bonus Chip
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning
against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on
its
face. The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over,
and says, 'Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question"
Calif Jack
Dan: When I was working in New York, I gave this girl $400 to
have sex with me.
Bob: What!? You gave a girl $400 for sex?
Dan: Yes I did.
Bob: DAMN, what did she look like?
Dan: She had big t*ts and blonde hair.
Bob: Was it worth it?
Dan: Nope, that's why I stopped payment on the check.
Bob: Are you telling me that you found a girl that would take a
check for sex? And on top of that, you stopped payment on
the check because it wasn't any good?!
Dan: You betcha.
Bob: Does your wife know about this?
Dan: Yup.
Bob: And just what did she have to say?
Dan: She wasn't very happy about it.
Bob: So what did she do?
Dan: She doesn't let me carry the checkbook anymore.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn
Vol 1006
Shucks Ma'am
Diana: Have you noticed a change with Rudy?
BJ: Yeah. We watched some old John Wayne westerns and
since then he has been into western attire and talk..
Sandi: Rudy it will not work.
Rudy: It will.
Katie: I take exception, it will not work.
BJ: What is the point of discussion?
Rudy: Going to have a roundup and branding.
BJ: Roundup and brand what?
Rudy: Squirrels and rabbits.
BJ: I don't think you can herd squirrels and rabbits and
branding for sure would kill them.
Rudy: It would be a small branding iron.
BJ: You can roundup cattle, horses, perhaps mules but that
is about it Rudy.
Rudy: Buffalo?
BJ: You want to try and brand a buffalo? Not me brother.
Rudy: Yeah, I see your point. I guess I could staple a tag
on there side.
BJ: Ouch Rudy, is your insurance paid up?
Rudy: Why?
BJ: If you are determined to mess with buffalo.....
Rudy: You don't think it is a good idea?
BJ: Not at all.
Rudy: Okay...I guess I can do something else today.
Katie/Sandi/
The herd in Guthrie
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Adult Adult Adult
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