Adult Adult
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
I have mentioned before that we have a large canal running through
the center of our town that was constructed by the Union Carbide
Company around the turn of the last century. Although it's current is
only about 15 mph, the water swirls because of the rock lining and
over the years has been a site for several suicides. To make matters
worse the water temperature is still probably well below 50 degrees
and if you survive the drop from the bridges, the cold, and the rip
currents at the other end of the canal you go through the grids and
into the turbines that provide electricity for the area. To remove
you
from the grids they have to slow the water flow and send down divers.
All in all it is a place to be avoided and chain link fences with
barbed
wire run the length of it. Then in Sunday's paper
SAULT STE. MARIE - City police reported that officers were summoned
to the Bingham Avenue Bridge area at 5:25 p.m. on Wednesday upon
report that a jumper had just entered the Edison Power Canal from the
bridge.
Once there, officers came upon a man, dripping wet, walking back
across the bridge and halted him for questioning. The man identified
himself and readily acknowledged a plunge into the canal. The man
explained that he is a good swimmer and has jumped from the bridge
before.
Officers told the man, a Coast Guardsman, that jumping into the
Edison Canal is trespassing and next time, he is liable to arrest.
The man was apparently uninjured and he promised not to dive into the
canal again. He also apologized for causing trouble, according to
reports.
He was released without other action by officers present.
buffalo says I hope his Commanding Officer can find something useful
for him to do that doesn't involve our power canal like jumping
out of helicopters and rescuing people in Alaska.
Be careful out there it's Monday and stay out of my canal... buffalo
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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German Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A co-op in Germany ordered Co-op coffee from Inter-Provincial Co-
operatives
Ltd. While the coffee was enroute, a few bags split open, making it
possible for rats to nest in them. The German Co-op sent the
following letter to Inter-Provincial Co-op Ltd.
Herr John Kronk,
Hinterprovincial Ko-Operatives Ltd,
Vinnipeg, Manitobas.
Schentlements,
Der last two pecketches ve got from you of koffee vas mitt rattschidt
gemix.
Der koffee may be gute, but der durds scboils der taste. Ve did not
see der
rattschidt in der zemple vitch you send us.
It make zo mutch time to pick der rattdurds from der koffee, dat itz
hardly wirt it. Ve
order der koffee klean but you schipt schidt mett it. It vas a
miztake, ja? Ve like you to
schip us der koffee in vun zack und der rattschidt in annuder; den ve
mix it to suit der customer.
Write please if ve shud schip der schidt bek und keep der koffee, or
if ve shud keep der schidt
und schip der koffee bek, or schip der hole schidten works bek?
Ve vant to do rite in dis madder, but ve don't like all dis
rattschidt bisness.
Mitt Mutch Respects,
Karl Gummenschidt, Mgr.,
Deutchland Ko-op Ltd.
Pat
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Toon Chips For Those Who Can't Wait
Damn Rex
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Condom Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
In case you missed the article, someone found a condom in
a MacDonald's hamburger a couple of years ago.
Here is David Letterman's top ten MacDonald's excuses for
the condom in the Big Mac:
10. We were test marketing the new "McRibbed."
9. Condom, Condiment...
8. It still tastes better than the Arch Deluxe.
7. It was either there, or in the vanilla shake.
6. Turns out the rumors about Grimace and Mayor McCheese
are true.
5. We're experimenting with a new, even happier meal.
4. Employees too embarrassed to ask "Would you like a
condom with that?"
3. So what? A regular Big Mac is 60% latex anyway.
2. Drive-thru speaker broken: "Coke with lots of ice" sounds like
"Prophylactic device."
And the number one MacDonald's Excuse for the Condom in
the Big Mac:
1. When you're serving billions and billions, you can't be too
careful.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Partner Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
These three men went into business together and the
First one said:
"I put up sixty-five percent of the capital, so I'm
The president and chairman of the board."
"I put up thirty percent of the money," said the
Second, "so I'm appointing myself vice president,
Secretary and treasurer."
"Well I put up five percent," pointed out the third
Partner. "What's that make me?"
The chairman said,
"I'm appointing you vice president of sex and music."
"That sounds mighty fine," said the third man,
"but what does it mean?"
"It means what when I want your fucking advice, I'll
Whistle."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Diet Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
It seems that a lot of people are dieting recently, trying everything
from an all-carbohydrate to an all-protein mix. I have another
suggestion, one that has worked through the ages: the "Beer-Me" diet.
Personally, I have a "liquid dinner" every time I go to the club on
Friday night!
FACT: A lite beer has between 70 and 100 calories, is almost all
water,
and the part that isn't water is almost pure carbohydrates. FACT: The
average diet recommends a daily caloric intake of 1,200 calories for
women, 1,500 for men, if you want to lose the medically safe two to
three pounds a week. On the "Beer-Me" diet, that equates to at least
12
beverages a day for women, and 15 for men. A measurable goal.
FACT: The alcohol in beer is a diuretic, which causes the water to
flush
out almost immediately, leading to a consistent workout regimen
including deep knee bends (getting out of the chair), fast walking
(very
good for your
heart) and squats (as the case may be).
FACT: Drinking beer actually helps you sleep-even when you aren't
necessarily tired. All that added rest is certain to help any problems
you may have experienced in sleep deprivation, counting calories on
those other fad diets. In addition, you may experience the occasional
"How did I get here?" when you wake up, which always makes for lively
conversation, and possibly additional exercise if you have to sneak
out
and run home.
FACT: The "Beer-Me" diet is good for your heart. After just one day of
consuming your required 12-15 beers, you will certainly want to
consume
some aspirin, which is medically proven to help prevent heart attacks.
FACT: On the "Beer-Me" diet you can eat anything you want. The only
rule
is that you cannot consume any food until you have consumed at least
half of the day's required beers. This way the food will probably only
stay in your body a short time, until you again exercise the deep knee
bends, quick walk and, this time, the "lean-over-and-
crunches.
FACT: Beer drinking is often done in bars, where other forms of
exercise
are common. Dancing, for example, is a good way to build up a thirst,
as
is chasing members of the opposite sex. If you really want to maximize
your workout, try actually walking up to the bar, versus using a
waitress. To take this to the extreme, you could even get up and get
someone else a beer-perhaps someone who is newer to the diet plan than
yourself.
FACT: Beer is cheaper than Jenny Craig.
Based on these facts, let's run through a given scenario for diet
implementation. CAUTION: This is a weekend diet plan, and should be
attempted during the work week by only the staunchest of dieters.
MONDAY THROUGH THURSDAY: Eat junk food, and basically be a slob.
FRIDAY: Feeling "huge," swing by the liquor store and stock up. Go to
favorite place of beer drinking and begin the consumption process
(remember 12 for women, 15 for men).
SATURDAY: Wake up (as required) and lounge around all day, feeling
slightly smaller after expunging any food that you may have
accidentally
consumed (particularly if it involved beef jerky from 7-11). Take
aspirin. Notice that you have absolutely no interest in food, anyway.
SATURDAY (p.m.): Restart cycle, noticing that your appetite has still
not returned. Perhaps only meet half of your consumption goal due to
an
ongoing discussion with "the dog that bit you." This is a good thing,
as
only half-consumption means less than 1,000 calories for the day, and
you still don't feel hungry.
SUNDAY (a.m.): Wake up for mandatory sports day. This is a very
convenient diet during football season, but it can be successfully
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played every day of the year except the day before and the day after
the
Major League All-Star game (fact-look it up). Consumption on this day
should be paced to cover the entire day-you don't want to peak too
soon.
Again you notice a lack of appetite, and are feeling thinner all the
time. Don't forget the aspirin.
MONDAY: Return to work, feeling thinner, well rested, and surprisingly
mellow. Mark your log book, and begin preparation for the upcoming
weekend.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Short Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Within two weeks of moving into a new house, the homeowner had to call
an electrician, a roofer, a plasterer and a carpenter. One afternoon
he
returned early from work and saw a plumber's truck in the driveway.
"Lord," he pleaded, looking skyward, "please let her be having an
affair."
~~~~~~
Driving my friend Bill and his girlfriend to the airport,
I passed a billboard showing a bikini-clad beauty holding
a can of beer. Bill's girlfriend glanced up at it and said,
"I suppose if I drank a six-pack of that brand, I'd look
like her."
"No," Bill corrected, "If I drank a six-pack, you'd look
like her."
~~~~~~
Q: Why did the blonde pee on the floor?
A: Because the sign said "wet floor."
Q: Why are coffins for blonde's shaped like a triangle?
A: Because every time their heads hit a pillow, their legs spread
open.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Condom Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Harry noticed he was running low on rubbers, so he stopped by the
local
drugstore. "What size?" asked the blonde pharmacist's assistant
sweetly.
When he admitted he wasn't sure of his size. The blonde led him into
the
back room, lifted her skirt and told him to enter her. He was
delighted
to oblige. "Size six." she told him after a moment, "Now, take it out.
How many?" Harry bought a dozen, and on his way home, he ran into his
friend Tom. Harry eagerly told Tom the whole story. Tom rushed down to
the drugstore to place on order, "But I'm afraid I don't know my
size."
he told the sales girl. So the blonde led him in to the back room and
repeated the procedure. "Size seven, Sir. Now take it out please. How
many?" But Tom kept on going until he was done. "None, thanks." he
told
her, zipping up his pants and grinning, "I just came in for a
fitting."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
LynnLynn's Links
~~~~~~~~~~~~
If You haven't joined LynnLynn's mailing List yet, send a blank e-mail
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Movies
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Bobble Moose
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Welsh Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hospitals right across Wales are getting ready for
a birth explosion this coming Xmas and are already
trying to recruit extra medical staff to cope.
"It's is a worrying side effect of foot and mouth,
with the countryside closed off and so many dead
sheep, our women are bound to be getting a bit
more attention," said Glyn Lloyd Jones of South
Glamorgan Health Trust.
The UFWWL (Ugly Fat Welsh Women's League) has
reported that they are overjoyed with the situation
and are campaigning for a stop to sheep farming in
Wales for good.
"It's wonderful. All the women in our village are
getting some at the moment," said a 25 year old fat
Welsh munter.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Toon Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Help Me
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What do you want
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Limerick Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was a young fellow called Runyon
Whose penis developed a bunion.
With every erection,
This painful infection,
Gave off a strong odour of onion.
____________
"It's my code," says a mailman named Drew,
"To unzip, then deliver a screw.
If virgins, when nervous,
Resist postal service,
I explain that the male must get through."
____________
A transvestite from Lyford-By-Tyme
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Said, "Your honour, oh no!
It cannot be so,
For I was a broad at the time."
Ross
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Parting Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A hillbilly got married, and on his wedding night he calls his father
For advice on what to do since he had never been intimate with a
woman before. "We're in the bedroom, Pa. What do we do now?"
Thinking that nature will take its course, the father replied, "Take
her clothes off and then you both get in bed."
The hillbilly calls his dad 5 minutes later and says, "She's nekid
and we're in bed. What do I do now?" Knowing his son wasn't the
brightest crayon in the box, his dad asked," Did you take your
clothes off, too?" "No." the son replies. "Well, take your clothes
off and get back in bed with her."
The son calls back a few minutes later and says, "We're both nekkid
And in bed. What do I do now?"
The father's patience is quickly running out, and he growls, "Look,
Son , do I have to spell everything out? Just stick the hardest
thing on your body where she pees!"
The son calls again a minute later. "Ok, Pa. I've got my head in
the toilet bowl. Now what?"
Jim
~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Jokes On You
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bonus Chip
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A chicken farmer went to a local bar...sat next to a woman and ordered
a glass of champagne.
The woman perks up and says "How about that? I just ordered a glass of
champagne, too!"
"What a coincidence" the farmer says "This is a special day for me I
am celebrating"
"This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!
woman.
"What a coincidence!
man asked
"What are you celebrating?
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my
gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!"
"What a coincidence "says the man."I'm a chicken farmer and for years
all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying
fertilized eggs "
"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become
fertile?"
"I used a different cock," he replied. The woman smiled and said,
"What a coincidence"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
~~~~~~~~~~~~
From BJ in Guthrie
No matter how I describe Sandi, I cannot do justice. Diana said it
best when she said she has never seen an animal as
devoted or loyal not does she expect to ever see another such as
Sandi and her devotion to me. Thursday it was pouring down
rain, yet she sat outside in the rain waiting for me to come home.
Many the time she has waited for me on the road home while
the other dogs were in the house. Diana told me if I die, she fully
expects Sandi to die the same day. When Sandi dies I will
buy a headstone for her and put this on it, a piece of God's Heart
resides here, none more faithul, more loyal and devoted,
my beloved companion Sandi.
BJ in Guthrie
Katie's Komfort Kolumn
Vol 1004
Father's Day (a Day late)
The dogs are huddled around BJ...
Sandi: We got you this little something for father's day. We
were going to give it to you yesterday, but you still were not
feeling too well so we waited until today.
BJ: Gee thanks, but I do not need anything.
Katie: Open it father.
Rip, tear...
BJ: A new pillow and boy it is long.
Rudy: Yeah, that way, we can sleep on it to.
BJ: And a new soft blanket.....
Ginger: Yeah, we got an extra large one, so we can
all sleep on it.
BJ: And a coupon for 12 pizzas......
Sandi: We kinda hope that would take care of our
Friday nights for a while daddy.
BJ: Come here gang!!! Group hug!
The herd in Guthrie
(this weekend when I was healing, my dogs, were sleeping
close to me and followed me around more than usual. I think,
no I know they knew I was not up to par)
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Adult Adult Adult
Remember 9/11/01
Regarding any problems unsubscribing this mailing list
In accordance with the 2004 Can-Spam act you can contact me at:
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Sault Ste Marie Michigan 49783
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Compilation and narrative copyright 2002 by william Brabant
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