My name is buffalo and I have the watch.
Ow I woke up Saturday morning with my right foot swollen
and feeling like it was ready to tear the skin. I suspected gout
but I have been staying away from high purine foods and I had
noticed a bit of swelling in both legs and was wondering about
fluid retention from being vertical a lot lately. I drank a bottle of
cherry juice, over ice with a splash of orange juice, kind of a
Tequila Sunset minus Tequila... haven't had any of that since
Clinton was President. It was a good day to take a rest as Eva
was scheduled for her first sleepover with a couple of schoolmates
around the corner and it was so peaceful around here until 1030
when they all came over here to play. After lunch Buffy loaded
them in the Suburban and headed for the city beach at Sherman
Park. They ran into more friends there and came back to the
house to pick up picnic stuff and went back up for a picnic.
I was feeling a bit better so I got up and started to work on
the chips while things were quiet and had most of the jokes together
for the adult chips when everyone returned home. The girls played
outside till just before dark and when they came in Sandy
fixed spaghetti for everyone and the girls were watching a movie
on the vcr, and then the girls had an arguement. I am not sure
what happened, too much time together, one wanted to do one
thing and the other didn't, or whatever but Eva threw the girl's
video game into her room and it slid under a dresser. We then had
adults and children looking for it for an hour and after they found it
Buffy walked the girl home and explained to her parents what
happened.
Buffy and I were talking later about what had happened and I reminded
her about when we lived out in the country. She was 7 the same age as Eva
and there was a little boy that lived next door who was the same age. They
would play great till they got tired and then they would start arguing like
they were married to each other. I got tired of trying to play peacemaker
and settle fights and finally told both of them that I didn't want them to ever
talk to each other or see each other again. After they had spent a little time
in their own corners they were back together playing like best friends. The
bonus was since I had told them to never talk together again if they did have
an arguement they had to leave me out of it because I would ask, " How can
you two be arguing, I told you to never speak to each other again." And
they say buffalos are stupid heh heh.
Enjoy the chips.... buffalo
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bubba Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A redneck named Bubba was tired of hearing redneck jokes that used the name,
Bubba. He went to court and changed his name.
The judge asked, "What name do you want it changed to?"
He said, "Candy."
The judge replied, "Candy? "C-A-N-D-Y is that right?"
"Yes that's right, your honor," said Bubba.
The judge put the name on the papers before him and said, legally, your name
is now, Candy."
He rushed over to tell his girlfriend. He knocked on her door and heard
"who's there?" He said, "It's me!"
She said, "Come on in Bubba, the doors unlocked."
He said, "It's not Bubba."
She said, "Yes it is, I recognize your voice."
He said, "It ain't Bubba no more cause I done legally changed it."
She asked, "What it is?"
He said, "Guess."
She said, "Leroy?"
He answered, "No."
She said, "Johnny?"
He answered, "No."
She said, "Hell, I give up, come on in."
He said, "Wait, I'll gives ya a hint. Ya holds it in ya hand and ya puts it
in ya mouth."
She replied, "Oh!... Come on in, Dick."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Repair Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts,
"Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for
weeks now."
He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I
have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so."
"Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right." To which
he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse
written on my forehead? I don't think so."
"Fine," she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door?
They're about to break."
"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says. "Does
it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so.
I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!"
So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to feel
guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out.
As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he
enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a
beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey, how'd this all get
fixed?"
She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice
young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the
repairs, and all I had to do was either screw him or bake him a cake."
He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?"
She replied, "Hellooooo... Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ole Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ole was arrested on Saturday night while walking bare-ass naked down the
streets of the little town of Elbow Lake, Minnesota.
The policeman, who was good friend of Ole's, said, "Ole...What in the world
are you doing? Where are your clothes? You're naked."
"Yah, I know," said Ole. "You see, Me and the wife, Lena, vas over to dat
'playboy' Sven's for his birthday party. Dere vas about 28 of us. Der vas
boys and girls."
"Is that right?" his policeman friend asked.
"Yah, we were drinking and talking and havin a good time.
Yah, Yah, anyvay, dat Sven, he says, 'Everybody get into the bedroom!'
So vee all go into the bedroom....den he yells, 'Everybody git nekkid!'
"Vel, vee all got nekkid. I saw Lena sitting on the bed with that Jon with
the big dick,
Anyway den Sven yells, 'Everybody go to town!'"
"Oh, my!" exclaimed the policeman.
"Yah, Yah. I guess I'm the first one here."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Poetry Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Penis Poem
A penis is a splendid thing;
you ladies should be jealous.
An organ with such lovely skin,
it's smooth and mostly hairless.
It starts to grow so quickly
when a guy's about thirteen,
His testicles on either side,
his willy in between.
It dangles neatly down below;
it's softly warm and loyal.
But at the slightest hint of lust,
it's ready to uncoil.
It seems to have a mind all of its own;
it's like an untamed beast,
It squirms and writhes and stretches out,
just when you 'spect it least.
Sometimes, yes, it misbehaves,
erecting when it shouldn't.
A bumpy train ride sets it off,
and then I wish it wouldn't.
During summer, wearing little,
sunning on the beach,
A glimpse of wobbly boobs or bums
will make it squirm and reach.
But handle it with love and care,
for it will give great pleasure.
I often check if it has grown -
now when did I last measure?
Some men will fret about their size;
they give it lots of thought;
Is seven inches long enough?
It makes them quite distraught.
They sneak a look in toilets,
wondering what they'll see,
But if another glances back at them,
there's no way they can pee!
Masturbating is a sin -
at least some folks believe.
That's just some old wives' tale,
'cause it really can relieve.
Without this super organ,
no shag would be complete.
Lesbians can try their best,
but must admit defeat.
It has some splendid functions,
I'm sure you will agree:
To start a whole new life,
and more than that - to pee!
But what seems most amazing
about my one-eyed flute,
Whatever it is doing,
it knows which juice to shoot.
And better yet, it stays with one,
until one's old and frail.
Don't take it out in public though,
or you'll be thrown in jail.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Moon Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Shortly after his spaceship landed on the moon, the astronaut debarked and
began exploring the strange new terrain. He had walked for only fifteen
minutes when he came upon a lovely young moon girl, who was busily stirring
the contents of a meteoroid pot.
"Hi," he said, introducing himself. "I'm an astronaut, here to discover
everything I can about life on the moon."
The moon girl stopped stirring long enough to throw him a smile. "How
interesting it is that you are formed just like our moon men," she observed,
looking him up and down.
Pointing to her own, quite naked body, she asked, "And am I structured as
are earth women?"
"Yes, you are," answered the astronaut. "But tell me, why do you stir that
pot?"
"I'm making a baby," she said. And sure enough, a few minutes later, a baby
appeared in the pot.
"Would you like to see how we make babies on earth?" asked the astronaut, by
now considerably aroused. The girl said she would, so the astronaut
proceeded with a passionate demonstration.
"That was enjoyable," she said afterward, "but where is the baby?"
"Oh, that takes nine months," explained the astronaut.
"Nine months?" she asked. "Then why did you stop stirring?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
With The Lord By My Side
http://silverandgoldandthee.net/Insp/C/Side_files/Side.html
Lazy Thoughts
http://silverandgoldandthee.net/Misc_files/B/Lazy.html
Think Positive
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/positive.html
Akiane Thru the Years
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/prodigy2.html
Pencil Furniture
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/pencilf.html
Disney Tree Of Life
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/disneytree.html
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mermaid Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field.
The situation looked hopeless to her -- how could she possibly continue to feed her family now? In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself.
When the husband awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.
Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank.
She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you."
The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.
Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right."
And while the son tried his best (seven times), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.
The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in. And there he also met the mermaid. "I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row."
The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?"
The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?"
And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?"
Finally, she said, "Enough Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health."
Then the young son asked, "Wait, how do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Swimming Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three disabled men enter a swimming contest. The first has no arms. The
second has no legs, and the third has no body, just a head. They all line
up, the whistle blows and "SPLASH!" they are all in the pool.
The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly, but the guy with no legs is
closing fast. Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He
can still see the bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool where the head
is. He dives down and rescues the head, where upon the head starts coughing
and spluttering.
Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts, "Three fucking years I
have spent learning to swim with my fucking ears, then two minutes before
the race, some bastard puts a fucking swimming cap on me!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Parting Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The 107-year-old man was asked by a television crew what was the secret of
his longevity.
"It's because I gave up sex," he said.
"When did you give up sex?" asked the reporter.
"Just about fifteen years ago."
"I see," said the reporter. "And why did you give up sex?"
"I had to. I like older women...and there weren't any more left!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Compilation and narrative copyright 2002 by william Brabant
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