She was OK for 63, we drank a bit, had a bit of a song & she asked if I'd ever had the sportsman's double, a mother and daughter threesome?
I said no.
We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night.
I went back to her place.
She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs:
"Mom you still awake?
Paris Hilton was sentenced to 45 days in jail for violating
probation. She was driving with a suspended license and even worse,
playing her CD on the car stereo. That's how the California legal
system works. Celebrities can murder their wives and get acquitted,
but if they drive without a valid license it's off to the hoosegow.
The judge told her that ignorance is no excuse to break the law.
Although acting like it is a good way for pretty blondes to get rich
in Hollywood. (Jim Barach)
A "Free Paris" movement has been launched to petition Gov. Arnold
Schwarzenegger to commute Paris Hilton 's jail sentence scheduled to begin on June 5. Several factors favor a commutation:
1) The Pampered Heiress Cell Block is filled to capacity.
2) Sleeping until noon is allowed only in solitary.
3) Would ruin any chance she might have had to replace Rosie.
4) Warden is partial to Marriott Hotels.
5) Martha Stewart's bitch is already taken. (Bob Mills)
Paris Hilton got forty-five days in Los Angeles county jail Friday.
O.J. Simpson is out on the golf course, Robert Blake is walking free,
and Paris Hilton is going to jail. It is just more evidence that in
Los Angeles the only crime is having no talent. (Argus Hamilton)
We're circulating a petition. We're asking Gov. Schwarzenegger to
officially declare June 5 Paris Hilton " Is Going to Jail
Day."
Paris Hilton is going to prison.Paris Hilton 's fans have contacted
Governor Schwarzenegger to ask for a pardon forParis Hilton . The
reason they want the governor to pardon Paris Hilton is because she
brings beauty and excitement to their lives. There's a precedent for
this -- that's exactly why Ford pardoned Nixon.
Paris Hilton got 45 days in jail for driving on a suspended license.
She claims her publicist told her she was allowed to drive to work.
Which would be great if she had a job.
Prison bound Paris Hilton has asked for a pardon. Life in the
hoosegow will be an adjustment for her. She?ll still make 7 figures,
but they?ll all be on one license plate. (Alan Ray)
Paris Hilton was sentenced to jail for driving with a suspended
license. She's fired her publicist for telling her she could drive to
work if she felt like it. Under California law, if you don't have a
publicist the court will provide one for you. (Argus Hamilton)
For violating her drunk driving parole, L.A. prosecutors will send
Paris Hilton to jail for 45 daysParis Hilton's lawyers will appeal.
This marks the first time the words Paris Hilton and appeal have
appeared together. (Alex Kaseberg)
Paris Hilton got 45 days in jail. A lot of people were upset about
this; they were hoping for the death penalty
Queen Elizabeth
Queen Elizabeth addressed the Virginia General Assembly Thursday. She
didn't apologize for slavery or for the Anglo-Saxon conquest of North
America. Hardly a day goes by that another name isn't crossed off the
list of people who might replace Don Imus. (Argus Hamilton)
Queen Elizabeth took a tour of Colonial Williamsburg in a horse-drawn
carriage Thursday. The restored town is an exact replica of America
three hundred years ago. It's the only place in the United States
where you don't have to press two for English. (Argus Hamilton)
Britain's Queen Liz II capped her 6-day US visit hosting a dinner for
Bush. Following which, she presented him with a diamond-encrusted
replica of the monarchy's Imperial Seal and he gave her an honorary
membership on the girls basketball team at Rutgers. (Bob Mills)
Historic day at the White House. Earlier today at the White House,
President Bush met with Queen Elizabeth . There was an awkward
moment when President Bush called her "Queen Elizabeth the
sequel." (Conan O'Brien)
First Lady Laura Bush hosted a formal dinner for Queen Elizabeth
Monday. The dress code was white-tie-and-tails for the men. They
sometimes had white tails at the Clinton White House but the bunnies
were always cleared out before Hillary came home. (Argus Hamilton)
The Queen of England is in the United States. Earlier today, she was
down at the White House. And George Bush, by gosh, he gets confused
and he went up to the Queen and congratulated her on her Academy
Award. (David Letterman)
The British press is angry. They're claiming that President Bush
disrespected the queen because he accidentally suggested she was over
200 years old and then winked at her. When President Bush noticed the
queen was annoyed, he said, "Shake it off," and slapped her ass.
(Conan O'Brien)
There was a big hubbub in Great Britain because President Bush winked
at the queen. I'm pretty sure that was the first time the queen's
ever been winked at.
President Bush hosted Queen Elizabeth at the White House recently.
Talk about an odd couple. One rules by aristocratic blood but has no
influence on world or domestic affairs. The other is British. (Alan
Ray)
After a welcoming speech in which he suggested that Queen Elizabeth II was over 230 years old, President Bush attempted to mend his verbal slip, saying the old girl doesn?t look a day over 130. (Andy
Borowitz)
President Bush made a couple of gaffes around the queen the other
day. He meant to say the queen visited the White House in 1976.
Instead, he said 1776. Then he made another huge gaffe when he asked
how old her son-in-law Camilla was.
Queen Elizabeth wrapped up her tour of the United States. She's on
her way back to England right now. Her visit ended as it began, with
her being stripped searched at the airport. (Jimmy Kimmel)
Last night, President Bush and First Lady Laura Bush hosted the Queen
of England at a big state dinner. One embarrassing moment when the
queen toldPresident Bush she'd be on the throne for over 50 years,
and Bush said, "Try Metamucil."
We pulled into a full service gas station today?.
and asked for five dollars worth of gas....
The attendant farted took the five dollars?.
And walked away!!!!
You keep confusing Similac with Sambuca.
You're lobbying hard to get all three toddlers on the upcoming
"Survivor
Instead of spit and a handkerchief, you clean your kids' faces with
turpentine and sandpaper, because that's the way *your* father did it.
All of Bobby's teenaged friends hang at your place, because you roll
the best.
"Okay, okay! You can stay up to watch South Park. Now be a good girl
and give Daddy back his Smith & Wesson."
Rather than spend money on expensive lessons, you teach little Suzy how
to tap dance the old fashioned way... with a loaded revolver.
After several minutes, Morris the older worker had had enough.
"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" Morris said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that
building that you won't be able to wheel back."
" It's a bet, old man," young Isaac replied, with a sinister laugh..."you're crazy !"
Morris old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles.
David Ginola - Vagina dildo
Teddy Sheringham - Teddy Minge rash
Ossie Ardiles - Arse is soiled
Diego Maradona - O dear, I'm a gonad
Tony Blair PM - I'm tory plan B
Virginia Bottomley - I'm an evil Tory bigot
Michael Heseltine - Elect him, he's alien
David Mellor - Dildo marvel
Dame Agatha Christie - I am a right death case
The Metropolitan Police Force - I'm fellatio, the erect porno cop
Benson and Hedges - NHS been a godsend
Selina Scott - Elastic snot
Mel Gibson - Big melons
Gloria Estefan - Large fat noise
Chris Rea - Rich arse
Martina Navratilova - Variant rival to a man
Gabriela Sabatini - Insatiable airbag
Irritable Bowel Syndrome - O my terrible drains below
Evangelist - Evil's Agent
Desperation - A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code - Here Come Dots
Mother-in-law - Woman Hitler
Semolina - Is No Meal
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Personally I think this is a bit OTT but who am I to say what is humour or not???
This is what the ad says
First, hang Jesus on your fridge door, school locker, car door or cubicle! Second, dress him up in a variety of exciting, colorful outfits for hours of playtime! Lastly, pray that when it's the second coming, God has a sense of humor! These outrageous outfits will shock and amuse! Actual size is 11" x 8.5
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
A guy walks into the local dole office, marches straight up to the
counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE taking welfare. I'd
really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent.
We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter. You'll
have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your
clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be
expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to
satisfy her sexual urges.
You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The
starting salary is £50,000 a year."
The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're bullshittin' me!"
The social worker says, "Yeah, well... you started it
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
and if you feel there's still room to make your baby even more of a joke ...... see the next ad!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Esther Cohen was the mother of three, very active small boys. One summer evening she was playing cops and robbers with them in the back yard after dinner.
him if we hadn't stopped her."
"He must have made her very angry, peeking at her, huh?"
"No, that's not what made her the maddest."
"It's not?"
"No, she got mad when he reached in the window and closed the
curtains."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Humpty Dumpty sat on his bed
As little Bo Beep was giving him head
Just as he came she began to weep
She could tell by the taste he'd been shaggin her sheep!!
As veteran parents, my wife and I have quit worrying about illnesses. We
give the kids their medicine, tell them where to find the 7-Up and
Saltines, and let them watch as much TV as they want. Not like when we
were new parents, when Oldest Daughter (known as Only Child back then)
would get sick.
Back then, a childhood illness was cause for a major freakout for us. At
the first sniffle, we would look at each other with horror and race to
the "So, You're a First Time Parent?" emergency home medical guide. We
hovered so much, the local TV station asked us to do the morning traffic
reports.
"What do we do?!" my wife would wail to her mother at 11:30 at night.
Her mother was an expert at childhood illnesses, and I was sure she knew
every instant cure in the book.
"What'd she say?!" I'd ask. "What sort of expert advice did she give?"
"Just give her plenty of liquids and rest."
"Liquids and rest?! What's next, blood letting and leeches?! There's got
to be a cure. What about chicken soup? Or green tea? Or lemons?"
Truth be told, I wasn't that worried about Only Child. I knew she would
be fine. She barely even knew she was sick, and was annoyed when we made
her lay down, because she had to stop playing.
I was more worried about me. I knew that if Only Child was sick, I
wasn't too far behind. I didn't want the personal suffering and agony
that often followed my daughter's illnesses.
I'm a wuss when I'm sick. The problem is, I can't act like one, since my
wife handles her illnesses like a tough guy. She only gets bed rest when
she's at death's door. I, on the other hand, start whining and fussing
as soon as I enter death's zip code.
But I've gotten much better since the time I nearly had meningitis.
It was 1991, and I was a residence hall director at Illinois State University.
And as everyone knows, killer germs will often travel the freeways,
looking for unsuspecting victims.
A day or two later, I began feeling a little sick. I was a little warm,
my head hurt, I was coughing a lot, and my sinuses felt like they had
been sprayed with lemon juice. Plus, we had just been advised that
residence halls were perfect breeding grounds for meningitis, and as the
guy in charge, I was Target Zero. I had never heard of this mystery
disease before, but I was pretty sure that's why I was feeling so lousy.
"I think I've got that thing that kid from the U of I has," I said to my
friend, Heidi.
"What thing?"
"You know, the kid in the hospital. They said the symptoms were a
headache, coughing, and a fever. I've got it."
"You don't have it."
I pleaded with her to go to the school health center with me. "What if I
collapse on the way there?" I whined. She went.
"What's the problem?" the nurse asked. She had just come out to see why
I was bothering her.
"I think I've got that man thing," I said.
"What man thing?"
"The thing that kid at the U of I has."
A look of understanding flashed across her face, followed by a much
longer look of annoyance. "Do you mean meningitis?"
"Yeah, that's the one. Will I need to go to the hospital?"
She clapped her hand to my forehead, rather more forcefully than was
necessary. "You're not very hot."
"My girlfriend thinks I'm handsome." Even at death's door, I was still witty.
"Do you have a productive cough?"
"No, I've been coughing so much, I can't get any work done."
She sighed. "I mean, does stuff come out when you cough?"
"No. Is that bad?"
"It means you have a cold, not meningitis. Go home and get plenty of
liquids and rest."
Know-nothing quack, I thought. I could be dead by morning.
But ever since I became a dad, I've had to learn to suck it up and quit
complaining. When my own kids won't even stop playing for a major
illness, I can't start whining for "crackies and drink" whenever I get
the sniffles.
But if I ever die from a sinus infection, I told you so.
http://www.jokeworm.com/jokes2
Hunks
http://www.jokeworm.com/newhunks/
Babes
http://www.jokeworm.com/newbabes/
Adult Funny Pics
http://www.jokeworm.com/newpics/
There is a nerve that connects the
Eyeball to the anus?
It's called the Anal Optic Nerve,
And it is responsible for giving people
A shitty outlook on life.
If you don't believe it, pull a hair
From your ass and see if it doesn't
Bring a tear to your eye.
http://www.jokeworm.com/cutepics/
A 76-year-old woman, who slipped and fell while trying to cross a railway track near the town of Aigion in the northern Peloponnese yesterday, lay down and let an oncoming train pass over her without suffering as much as a scratch
The woman had just stumbled on the tracks when she was spotted by the driver of the train traveling to Corinth from Pyrgos. He sounded the warning horn and tried to slow down but was unable to stop in time. The woman instinctively stretched out between the rails to let the train pass over her.
After stopping the train, the driver notified the police and was amazed to find the woman safe and sound on the tracks. The woman, identified only as F.Z., told police that she estimated that she would not have enough time to get off the tracks and decided to lie down and hope for the best. “I thought whatever will be, will be,” she told officers.
story 2
This is true - you very rarely see disabled people out in Greece nor mentally disabled ... in fact there was a story a few days ago about a family that had a Down's child who was locked away for 15 yrs - not even the neighbours knew about the child!
Disabled people in Greece should try to get out of their homes more, despite the obstacles they encounter on sidewalks, in stores and on public transport, the man organizing an exhibition in Athens to promote facilities and equipment for the disabled told Kathimerini yesterday.
The Autonomy 2007 exhibition began at the Peace and Friendship Stadium in Neo Faliron, southern Athens, yesterday and runs until tomorrow. But its organizer, Nikos Voulgaropoulos, is not disheartened by the fact that it will be difficult for disabled people to actually attend the show.
“That’s exactly why we are holding the exhibition,” said Voulgaropoulos, who founded the www.disabled.gr website and a magazine for disabled people that has 8,500 subscriptions.
“The exhibition is for disabled people to find out about the technology available so they can pluck up courage and get out. It is not easy. I know better than most,” said Voulgaropoulos, who lost use of his legs and arms due to a spinal cord injury.
Panayiotis Tsinganos, another quadriplegic man that spoke to Kathimerini, backed Voulgaropoulos’s views.
“The problem is that we do not see any disabled people on the streets,” he said. “Half of the truth is that the infrastructure does not allow them to get out. The other half is that we are not there to insist on better facilities.”
Tsinganos founded Sailability Hellas, the Greek branch of an international organization dedicated to providing sailing opportunities to all people. He gets around in a motorized wheelchair and identified thoughtless drivers as the key problem hampering disabled people’s efforts to get out of their homes.
“I am annoyed that every now and then I have to call the police [to remove a parked car],” he said. “But when I go to catch the tram and a parked car is blocking my way, I am left with little choice.”
Tsinganos said that accessibility to the metro and tram service is generally good but that it is more difficult for disabled people to use the bus. He is also critical of the lack of wheelchair ramps at shops and public services.
*************************************************************************************
Today's pictures and cartoons!
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