[Gadzooks] May 21st 2007

 
(started October 2001!)
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Today's joke: (don't moan at me I only forward them!)
 
I met an older woman at a club last night.

She was OK for 63, we drank a bit, had a bit of a song & she asked if I'd ever had the sportsman's double, a mother and daughter threesome?

I said no.

We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night.

I went back to her place.

She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs:

"Mom you still awake?
Thanks James
 
Paris Hilton 
Paris Hilton was sentenced to 45 days in jail for violating 
probation. She was driving with a suspended license and even worse, 
playing her CD on the car stereo. That's how the California legal 
system works. Celebrities can murder their wives and get acquitted, 
but if they drive without a valid license it's off to the hoosegow. 
The judge told her that ignorance is no excuse to break the law. 
Although acting like it is a good way for pretty blondes to get rich 
in Hollywood. (Jim Barach)

A "Free Paris" movement has been launched to petition Gov.
Arnold 
Schwarzenegger
to commute Paris Hilton 's jail sentence scheduled to begin on June 5. Several factors favor a commutation:

1)   The Pampered Heiress Cell Block is filled to capacity.
2)   Sleeping until noon is allowed only in solitary.
3)   Would ruin any chance she might have had to replace Rosie.
4)   Warden is partial to Marriott Hotels.
5)  
Martha Stewart's bitch is already taken. (Bob Mills)

Paris Hilton  got forty-five days in Los Angeles county jail Friday. 
O.J. Simpson is out on the golf course, Robert Blake is walking free, 
and  Paris Hilton is going to jail. It is just more evidence that in 
Los Angeles the only crime is having no talent. (Argus Hamilton)

We're circulating a petition. We're asking Gov. Schwarzenegger to 
officially declare June 5 Paris Hilton " Is Going to Jail 
Day." 

Paris Hilton  is going to prison.Paris Hilton  's fans have contacted 
Governor Schwarzenegger to ask for a pardon forParis Hilton  . The 
reason they want the governor to pardon Paris Hilton  is because she 
brings beauty and excitement to their lives. There's a precedent for 
this -- that's exactly why Ford pardoned Nixon.

Paris Hilton got 45 days in jail for driving on a suspended license. 
She claims her publicist told her she was allowed to drive to work. 
Which would be great if she had a job.
 

Prison bound Paris Hilton has asked for a pardon. Life in the 
hoosegow will be an adjustment for her. She?ll still make 7 figures, 
but they?ll all be on one license plate. (Alan Ray)

Paris Hilton was sentenced to jail for driving with a suspended 
license. She's fired her publicist for telling her she could drive to 
work if she felt like it. Under California law, if you don't have a 
publicist the court will provide one for you. (Argus Hamilton)

For violating her drunk driving parole,
L.A. prosecutors will send  
Paris Hilton to jail for 45 daysParis Hilton's lawyers will appeal. 
This marks the first time the words Paris Hilton and appeal have 
appeared together.  (Alex Kaseberg)

 Paris Hilton got 45 days in jail. A lot of people were upset about 
this; they were hoping for the death penalty

Queen Elizabeth

 Queen Elizabeth addressed the Virginia General Assembly Thursday. She 
didn't apologize for slavery or for the Anglo-Saxon conquest of
North 
America
. Hardly a day goes by that another name isn't crossed off the 
list of people who might replace
Don Imus. (Argus Hamilton)

Queen Elizabeth took a tour of Colonial Williamsburg in a horse-drawn 
carriage Thursday. The restored town is an exact replica of America 
three hundred years ago. It's the only place in the
United States 
where you don't have to press two for English. (Argus Hamilton)

Britain's Queen Liz II capped her 6-day US visit hosting a dinner for 
Bush. Following which, she presented him with a diamond-encrusted 
replica of the monarchy's Imperial Seal and he gave her an honorary 
membership on the girls basketball team at Rutgers. (Bob Mills)

Historic day at the
White House. Earlier today at the White House
President Bush met with Queen Elizabeth . There was an awkward 
moment when
President Bush called her "Queen Elizabeth the 
sequel." (
Conan O'Brien)

First Lady Laura Bush hosted a formal dinner for   Queen Elizabeth
Monday. The dress code was white-tie-and-tails for the men. They 
sometimes had white tails at the Clinton
White House but the bunnies 
were always cleared out before Hillary came home. (Argus Hamilton)

The Queen of England is in the
United States. Earlier today, she was 
down at the
White House. And George Bush, by gosh, he gets confused 
and he went up to the Queen and congratulated her on her Academy 
Award. (
David Letterman)

The British press is angry. They're claiming that
President Bush 
disrespected the queen because he accidentally suggested she was over 
200 years old and then winked at her. When
President Bush noticed the 
queen was annoyed, he said, "Shake it off," and slapped her ass. 
(
Conan O'Brien)

There was a big hubbub in
Great Britain because  President Bush winked 
at the queen. I'm pretty sure that was the first time the queen's 
ever been winked at.

President Bush hosted Queen Elizabeth at the White House recently. 
Talk about an odd couple. One rules by aristocratic blood but has no 
influence on world or domestic affairs. The other is British. (Alan
Ray)

After a welcoming speech in which he suggested that Queen Elizabeth II was over 230 years old, President Bush attempted to mend his  verbal slip, saying the old girl doesn?t look a day over 130. (Andy 
Borowitz)

President Bush made a couple of gaffes around the queen the other 
day. He meant to say the queen visited the
White House in 1976. 
Instead, he said 1776. Then he made another huge gaffe when he asked 
how old her son-in-law Camilla was.

Queen Elizabeth wrapped up her tour of the United States. She's on 
her way back to England right now. Her visit ended as it began, with 
her being stripped searched at the airport. (
Jimmy Kimmel)

Last night,  President Bush and First Lady Laura Bush hosted the Queen 
of England at a big state dinner. One embarrassing moment when the 
queen toldPresident Bush  she'd be on the throne for over 50 years, 
and Bush said, "Try Metamucil."
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Today's link
Thanks George ~ still tastes nice!
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Just to let you know how BAD gasoline prices are.... 

We pulled into a full service gas station today?. 

and asked for five dollars worth of gas....  

The attendant farted took the five dollars?. 

And walked away!!!!
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TELL-TALE SIGNS YOU MAY NOT BE THE PERFECT PARENT

You keep confusing Similac with Sambuca.

You're lobbying hard to get all three toddlers on the upcoming
"Survivor

Instead of spit and a handkerchief, you clean your kids' faces with
turpentine and sandpaper, because that's the way *your* father did it.

All of Bobby's teenaged friends hang at your place, because you roll
the best.

"Okay, okay! You can stay up to watch South Park. Now be a good girl
and give Daddy back his Smith & Wesson."

Rather than spend money on expensive lessons, you teach little Suzy how
to tap dance the old fashioned way... with a loaded revolver.
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Click pic for more info!
________________________________________________
Isaac the strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older construction workmen.
After several minutes, Morris the older worker had had enough.
"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" Morris said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that
building that you won't be able to wheel back."
" It's a bet, old man,"  young Isaac replied, with a sinister laugh..."you're crazy !"
Morris old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles.
Then he turned to the young wise guy and said, . . . "All right Isaac. Get in."
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

David Ginola   -   Vagina dildo

Teddy Sheringham   -   Teddy Minge rash

Ossie Ardiles   -   Arse is soiled

Diego Maradona   -   O dear, I'm a gonad

Tony Blair PM   -   I'm tory plan B

Virginia Bottomley   -   I'm an evil Tory bigot

Michael Heseltine   -   Elect him, he's alien

David Mellor   -   Dildo marvel

Dame Agatha Christie   -   I am a right death case

The Metropolitan Police Force   -   I'm fellatio, the erect porno cop

Benson and Hedges   -   NHS been a godsend

Selina Scott   -   Elastic snot

Mel Gibson   -   Big melons

Gloria Estefan   -   Large fat noise

Chris Rea   -   Rich arse

Martina Navratilova   -   Variant rival to a man

Gabriela Sabatini   -   Insatiable airbag

Irritable Bowel Syndrome   -   O my terrible drains below

Evangelist   -   Evil's Agent

Desperation   -   A Rope Ends It

The Morse Code   -   Here Come Dots

Mother-in-law   -   Woman Hitler

Semolina   -   Is No Meal

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Personally I think this is a bit OTT but who am I to say what is humour or not???

Click for more dress up fun!

This is what the ad says

First, hang Jesus on your fridge door, school locker, car door or cubicle! Second, dress him up in a variety of exciting, colorful outfits for hours of playtime! Lastly, pray that when it's the second coming, God has a sense of humor! These outrageous outfits will shock and amuse! Actual size is 11" x 8.5

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A guy walks into the local dole office, marches straight up to the
counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE taking welfare. I'd
really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent.
We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter. You'll
have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your
clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be
expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to
satisfy her sexual urges.

You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The
starting salary is £50,000 a year."

The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker says, "Yeah, well... you started it

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

CLICK HERE

and if you feel there's still room to make your baby even more of a joke ...... see the next ad!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Esther Cohen was the mother of three, very active small boys. One summer evening she was playing cops and robbers with them in the back yard after dinner.

One of the boys "shot" his mother and yelled, "Bang! You're dead." She slumped to the ground and when she didn't get up for 20 minutes, a neighbor came over to see if she had been hurt in the fall.
When the neighbor bent over, the overworked mother opened one eye and said, "Shhh. Don't give me away. This is the only chance I've had to rest all day."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"My wife caught a Peeping Tom last night, and she'd have killed
him if we hadn't stopped her."

"He must have made her very angry, peeking at her, huh?"

"No, that's not what made her the maddest."

"It's not?"

"No, she got mad when he reached in the window and closed the
curtains."
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A game warden came upon a duck hunter who had bagged 3 ducks and decided to 'enforce the laws pending.' He stopped the hunter, flashed his badge and said, 'Looks like you've had a pretty good day. Mind if I inspect your kill?'
The hunter shrugged and handed the ducks to the warden. The warden took one of the ducks, inserted his finger into the duck's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, 'This here's a Washington state duck. Do you have a Washington state hunting license?'
The hunter pulled out his wallet and calmly showed the warden a Washington state hunting license. The warden took a second duck, inserted his finger in the bird's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, 'This here's an Idaho duck. Do you have an Idaho state hunting license?'
The hunter, a bit put out, produced an Idaho state hunting license. The warden took a third duck, conducted the same finger test, and said, 'This here's an Oregon state duck. Do you have an Oregon state hunting license?'
Once again, only this time more aggravated, the hunter produced the appropriate license. The warden, a little miffed at having struck out, handed the ducks back to the hunter and said, 'You've got all of these licenses, just where the hell are you from?'
The hunter dropped his pants, bent over, and said 'You're so smart, YOU tell ME!'
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Humpty Dumpty sat on his bed
As little Bo Beep was giving him head
Just as he came she began to weep
She could tell by the taste he'd been shaggin her sheep!!

 
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sizes 6 7 8
ONLY
$14.99 (£7.99)
FREE shipping
 
 
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Email not quick enough?
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Is Being a Hypochondriac Contagious?
As veteran parents, my wife and I have quit worrying about illnesses. We
give the kids their medicine, tell them where to find the 7-Up and
Saltines, and let them watch as much TV as they want. Not like when we
were new parents, when Oldest Daughter (known as Only Child back then)
would get sick.
Back then, a childhood illness was cause for a major freakout for us. At
the first sniffle, we would look at each other with horror and race to
the "So, You're a First Time Parent?" emergency home medical guide. We
hovered so much, the local TV station asked us to do the morning traffic
reports.
"What do we do?!" my wife would wail to her mother at 11:30 at night.
Her mother was an expert at childhood illnesses, and I was sure she knew
every instant cure in the book.
"What'd she say?!" I'd ask. "What sort of expert advice did she give?"
"Just give her plenty of liquids and rest."
"Liquids and rest?! What's next, blood letting and leeches?! There's got
to be a cure. What about chicken soup? Or green tea? Or lemons?"
Truth be told, I wasn't that worried about Only Child. I knew she would
be fine. She barely even knew she was sick, and was annoyed when we made
her lay down, because she had to stop playing.
I was more worried about me. I knew that if Only Child was sick, I
wasn't too far behind. I didn't want the personal suffering and agony
that often followed my daughter's illnesses.
I'm a wuss when I'm sick. The problem is, I can't act like one, since my
wife handles her illnesses like a tough guy. She only gets bed rest when
she's at death's door. I, on the other hand, start whining and fussing
as soon as I enter death's zip code.
But I've gotten much better since the time I nearly had meningitis.
It was 1991, and I was a residence hall director at Illinois State University.
We had heard on the news that a student from the Illinois Stare University 
-- just down Interstate 55 -- was in the hospital with it.
And as everyone knows, killer germs will often travel the freeways,
looking for unsuspecting victims.
A day or two later, I began feeling a little sick. I was a little warm,
my head hurt, I was coughing a lot, and my sinuses felt like they had
been sprayed with lemon juice. Plus, we had just been advised that
residence halls were perfect breeding grounds for meningitis, and as the
guy in charge, I was Target Zero. I had never heard of this mystery
disease before, but I was pretty sure that's why I was feeling so lousy.
"I think I've got that thing that kid from the U of I has," I said to my
friend, Heidi.
"What thing?"
"You know, the kid in the hospital. They said the symptoms were a
headache, coughing, and a fever. I've got it."
"You don't have it."
I pleaded with her to go to the school health center with me. "What if I
collapse on the way there?" I whined. She went.
"What's the problem?" the nurse asked. She had just come out to see why
I was bothering her.
"I think I've got that man thing," I said.
"What man thing?"
"The thing that kid at the U of I has."
A look of understanding flashed across her face, followed by a much
longer look of annoyance. "Do you mean meningitis?"
"Yeah, that's the one. Will I need to go to the hospital?"
She clapped her hand to my forehead, rather more forcefully than was
necessary. "You're not very hot."
"My girlfriend thinks I'm handsome." Even at death's door, I was still witty.
"Do you have a productive cough?"
"No, I've been coughing so much, I can't get any work done."
She sighed. "I mean, does stuff come out when you cough?"
"No. Is that bad?"
"It means you have a cold, not meningitis. Go home and get plenty of
liquids and rest."
Know-nothing quack, I thought. I could be dead by morning.
But ever since I became a dad, I've had to learn to suck it up and quit
complaining. When my own kids won't even stop playing for a major
illness, I can't start whining for "crackies and drink" whenever I get
the sniffles.
But if I ever die from a sinus infection, I told you so.
Thanks George
Jayne's Useless Gif!
 
 
 
Did you know that in the  human body,
There is a nerve that connects the
Eyeball to the  anus?
 
It's called the Anal Optic Nerve,
And it is responsible for  giving people
A shitty outlook on life.
 
If you don't believe it, pull a hair
From your ass and see if it doesn't
Bring a tear to your  eye.


Jokeworm's Random Nasty Joke.

Jokeworm's Random Funny Pic
http://www.jokeworm.com/pics/

Jokeworm's Random Fact.
http://www.jokeworm.com/facts/
 
Jokeworm's Random Cute Pic
http://www.jokeworm.com/cutepics/
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 Michael & Karin, at home on Paros:  An American-Irish expatriate couple share their Greek island experience by offering accommodation and information including maps and photos.  They provide content and links for Paros, the Cyclades, Greece and the world of living abroad.
    web site:  http://parosparadise.com   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
Greek News!

A 76-year-old woman, who slipped and fell while trying to cross a railway track near the town of Aigion in the northern Peloponnese yesterday, lay down and let an oncoming train pass over her without suffering as much as a scratch

The woman had just stumbled on the tracks when she was spotted by the driver of the train traveling to Corinth from Pyrgos. He sounded the warning horn and tried to slow down but was unable to stop in time. The woman instinctively stretched out between the rails to let the train pass over her.

After stopping the train, the driver notified the police and was amazed to find the woman safe and sound on the tracks. The woman, identified only as F.Z., told police that she estimated that she would not have enough time to get off the tracks and decided to lie down and hope for the best. “I thought whatever will be, will be,” she told officers.

 

Very pretty Genuine Ruby CZ sterling silver Ring
Sizes 6 7 8
ONLY
$22.99 (£11.99)
FREE shipping
 

story 2

This is true - you very rarely see disabled people out in Greece nor mentally disabled ... in fact there was a story a few days ago about a family that had a Down's child who was locked away for 15 yrs - not even the neighbours knew about the child!

Disabled people in Greece should try to get out of their homes more, despite the obstacles they encounter on sidewalks, in stores and on public transport, the man organizing an exhibition in Athens to promote facilities and equipment for the disabled told Kathimerini yesterday.

The Autonomy 2007 exhibition began at the Peace and Friendship Stadium in Neo Faliron, southern Athens, yesterday and runs until tomorrow. But its organizer, Nikos Voulgaropoulos, is not disheartened by the fact that it will be difficult for disabled people to actually attend the show.

“That’s exactly why we are holding the exhibition,” said Voulgaropoulos, who founded the www.disabled.gr website and a magazine for disabled people that has 8,500 subscriptions.

“The exhibition is for disabled people to find out about the technology available so they can pluck up courage and get out. It is not easy. I know better than most,” said Voulgaropoulos, who lost use of his legs and arms due to a spinal cord injury.

Panayiotis Tsinganos, another quadriplegic man that spoke to Kathimerini, backed Voulgaropoulos’s views.

“The problem is that we do not see any disabled people on the streets,” he said. “Half of the truth is that the infrastructure does not allow them to get out. The other half is that we are not there to insist on better facilities.”

Tsinganos founded Sailability Hellas, the Greek branch of an international organization dedicated to providing sailing opportunities to all people. He gets around in a motorized wheelchair and identified thoughtless drivers as the key problem hampering disabled people’s efforts to get out of their homes.

“I am annoyed that every now and then I have to call the police [to remove a parked car],” he said. “But when I go to catch the tram and a parked car is blocking my way, I am left with little choice.”

Tsinganos said that accessibility to the metro and tram service is generally good but that it is more difficult for disabled people to use the bus. He is also critical of the lack of wheelchair ramps at shops and public services.

 
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A word from Jayne:
 
Wow - been a long time since I've had chance to write Gadzooks! Miss you all!
The shop is busy - life is hectic as I try to juggle home and work life. I think I'm managing. Weather has changed again from hot summer like weather to pouring rain ! Doubt I'll be selling many bikinis today!
Happy name day to Eleni / Ellen /Helen/Constantine/Stan etc etc (other versions of the 2 names). Today's your saint day - another excuse to celebrate!
 
A special 'Kronia Polla' (many years ) to Helen H (Greek/American) who has been a subscriber to Gadzooks for a LONG time! We've even become 'cyber buddies'
Hope you're well - keep in touch!
 
I really miss sending Gadzooks out - hopefully once the kids are off school I may have more time to get my act together in the mornings - more chance of me sending Gadzooks.
Have a great week
Jayne
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Sex Toy Warehouse

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 Today's pictures and cartoons!

Have a great day!
Gadzooks!
 

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