Adult Adult
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
I PUT ON MY UNIFORM TODAY!
A Chief Master Sergeant sat behind his desk, just down the hall from his
commander's office at Ennee AFB, America. As the Chief started on a
second cup of coffee and finished the last of the morning messages, the
commander stepped into the office. "Chief," the Colonel said, "I hate
to ask you this, but you are needed in Southwest Asia in six days for a
90-day rotation. Can you go?" With no voiced emotion and without
looking up, the Chief replied, "Ma'am, I put on my uniform this
morning."
The Colonel, somewhat taken a-back, thought to herself, "The Chief
doesn't usually talk in riddles. Has this veteran of 24 years gone off
of the deep end?" The wise old protector of the enlisted corps smiled
and began to explain. "Ma'am, I made a promise to myself more than 20
years ago, that I would only put this uniform on as long as I'm
available for duty. You see, while is is obvious to most Air Force
members, it seems to completely escape others. 'Available for duty'
means more than the desire to negotiate and select the premium
assignments or choicest TDY's. It requires us to go any place in the
world the president or officers appointed over us determines, at any
given time. This doesn't mean we shouldn't want or receive our
preferences. It does mean we'll go when and where we are needed and
called. Now this may seem overly simplistic, but, I think everyone can
agree: when it comes to defining service to our country, the answer is
just that simple. In today's world of 'What can you do for me?' it's
very easy to lose sight of what 'service to country' is all about.
Service goes far beyond the individual; it affects the well-being of our
nation. Sitting in comfortable surroundings, at your dream base in
CONUS, it's easy to forget the sacrifices we agreed to endure in service
to our country. Sitting in Saudi, Italy, Bosnia, or maybe Korea, the
sacrifices become much clearer. The bottom line today is that we are an
all-volunteer force, and though our force has been reduced by 30 percent
in the last five years, it remains a highly mobilized,
continually-
success."
The Chief continued by saying, "The Air Force will go on tomorrow with
or without any single one of us; however, the efficiency of any one of
its specific units may be adversely effected by the loss of only a few.
All of us have the responsibility to report our availability for duty.
If someone has a family problem or special circumstances that precludes
them from being available, they need to report it immediately and
especially prior to being deployed. If any member does not deploy when
called upon, another member must fill that slot. So, any time someone
cannot or will not deploy, the ripple effect is felt throughout the Air
Force. Everyone's family would like them to be home for the holidays. I
can't think of a single person who would intentionally miss their
child's graduation. And we're all aware of the pain of losing a loved
one and know how the grief can be compounded by not being at their side
in the final moments. Yes, we are all continually asked to make
sacrifices. Yet some seem to forget that we are serving our nation, and
that we are all volunteers. Who said it was going to be easy? The
leadership of our country depends upon us for being good and true to our
word. Every day, each of us needs to look into the mirror before
getting into uniform and ask, 'Am I available for duty?' If the answer
is "No," then we need to notify our supervisor, first sergeant, or
commander immediately! Then the next step is to determine if the
non-availability is temporary or permanent. Then the toughest question
must be asked--should that person resign, separate, or retire? There
are no gray areas. Everyone must decide for themselves."
Finally the Chief looked at his commander, and said, "Ma'am, as I said
earlier, I put on my uniform today, and I'm available for duty. Do you
still need a 'yes' or 'no' answer to your question?"
( This is one of the best explanations of duty I have ever seen . It
could have been written by any senior military person or any one of
dozens of jobs like doctors, nurses, firemen, and policeman , that
report to work each day not sure what the day will bring. )
Be Careful Out There... It's Monday... buffalo
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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High Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
This guy who stutters badly, walks into a bar, and says, "Ssay!
Bbbartender, gggimme a bbbeer".
The Bartender, who is badly humpbacked, serves him a beer and says,
"That will be $2.50 please."
The guy thinks that's pretty high priced and says, "Ddddamn! Ttthat's
hhhigh!"
The Bartender says, "Yes, but that's our price."
The guy pays him and drinks it down. He then says, " Sssay! bbbartender,
gggimme a wwhiskey ppplease."
The bartender serves him a shot of whiskey and says, "That will be $5.00
please."
The guy says, "Ddddamn! Ttthat's hhhigh!"
The Bartender says, "Yes, but that's our price."
The guy pays him, drinks his whiskey and, before leaving says,
"Bbbartender, tthanks for nnot mmmaking fffun of my ssstuttering wwwhile
I wwas in hhhere."
The bartender replies, "Oh that's OK. I want to thank you for not making
fun of my humpback while you were in here."
The guy says "Oh ttthat's OK. Eeverything else in tthis ppplace wwas so
hhhigh, I ttthougt it wwas yyour ass."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Random Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
The project manager walks into his boss' office and says, "Here is the
bottom line budget needed for the success of the project."
The boss says, "What can you do for half the money?"
The project manager says, "Fail."
The boss says, "When can you get started?"
The project manager says, "I think I just did."
A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see the new litter of kittens.
On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were two
boy kittens and two girl kittens."
"How did you know that?" his mother asked.
"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's
printed on the bottom.
Bert took his Saint Bernard to the vet. "Doctor," he said sadly, "I'm
afraid I'm going to have to ask you to cut off my dog's tail." The vet
stepped back, "Bert, why should I do such a terrible thing?" "Because my
mother-in-law'
think she's welcome."
A farmer walked into a drug store and said to the pharmacist, "I want me
one of them thar condoms with pesticides on it. Where do I find 'em?"
The pharmacist replied, "Oh sir, you must mean that you want the condoms
with SPERMICIDE, not pesticide. They're on aisle 4."
"No, no, I want me them thar condoms with PESTICIDE on it," growled the
farmer.
"Sir," said the pharmacist, exasperated from explaining, "PESTICIDE is
for killing insects, SPERMICIDE is for killing sperm. I'm sure that you
mean spermicide instead of pesticide."
"Listen here," argued the farmer, "my wife's got a bug up her ass and
I'm a goin' huntin' for it. Like I said, I want me one of them condoms
with PESTICIDE on it!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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IRS Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man, called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on
what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a
pauper."
Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice.
"Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."
Confused, the man went to his rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice,
and requested some resolution of the dilemma. "Let me tell you a story,"
replied the rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what
to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown
that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend,
she got conflicting advice. 'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V
neck right down to your navel.' "
The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with
the IRS?"
"Either way, you're screwed."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Dwarf Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
I wonder if you can figure this out?
Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs are roaming in the forest when they come
across a lake. The water was enticing and Snow White decides to take
a bath.
So she tells the Dwarfs to turn around while she is taking a bath in the
lake. The Dwarfs protest vehemently because they want to take a bath,
too. Snow White relents an d says, "When I get into the water and you
hear the splash, you can turn around." Snow White undresses and as she
is about to jump into the water, at that very moment, she is startled by
a frog who jumps into the water before she can.
The moment the Dwarfs hear the SPLASH, they turn around and see Snow
White standing NAKED. Now, given that this incident is an idea for a TV
ad, what product is being advertised? Come on now, this should be easy
for a person of your background and mental powers. If you can't figure
it out; just scroll down for the answer.
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"SEVEN UP" of course. :)
George
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Drink Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks. She starts talking
about this really great new drink. The more she talks about it, the more
excited she gets. She tries to talk him into having one. After a while he
gives in and lets her order the drink for him. The bartender brings the
drink and puts the following items on the bar: A salt shaker, a shot of
Baileys, and a shot of lime juice. The boyfriend looks at the items
quizzically and the woman explains.
"First, put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot of
Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink the lime juice."
So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it. He puts
the salt on his tongue . salty but OK. He drinks the shot of Baileys .
smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks ... this is OK. Finally he
picks up the lime juice and drinks it .... In one second the sharp lime
taste hits ... At two seconds the Baileys curdles . At three seconds the
salty, curdled taste & mucous-like consistency hits ...At four seconds it
feels as if he has a mouth full of nasty snot. This triggers his gag
reflex, but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he
swallows the now foul tasting drink. When he finally chokes it down he
turns to his girlfriend, and says, "Jesus, what do you call that drink?"
She smiles widely at him and says, "Blow Job Revenge."
Roger
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Church Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jordan, my 3-year-old son, has expressed an insatiable
curiosity about human anatomy. This completely
innocent curiosity recently led to the most
embarrassing moment of my life!
A few weeks ago, our family chose to sit in the front
row at Mass on a Sunday. During the homily, when the
priest was speaking, Jordan decided that it would be a
good time to ask questions which he deemed
appropriate. Being 3, Jordan has not learned the
difference between whispering and speaking out loud.
Jordan (loud): "Mom, look at my penis, it's standing up!"
Mom (whispering, attempting to distract): "That's
interesting, dear. Let's read this book I brought for
you about how Jesus loves all the little children."
Jordan (louder): "But Mom, I can't get my penis to go
back down. It's coming out of my pants! Look, Dad!"
Dad: "Jordan, be quiet, we're at Mass!"
Jordan (upset now): "Mom, look at my penis!"
Justine (my 9-year-old daughter, whispering
agitatedly): "Mom, make him be quiet, take him out!"
Mom (continuing the calm and collected facade):
"Jordan, look at these great blocks Mom brought for
you to build with."
Jordan (louder): "Mom, why is it sticking up?" Then,
without waiting for an answer, Jordan began talking to
his penis.
Jordan (very loud, in a commanding voice): "Penis, go
back down where you belong and stop bugging me!"
At this point, I was trying to grab Jordan to take him
out, and at the same time cover his mouth. I heard
chuckling and laughter from the pews around us, and a
distinct break in the priest's homily as he pondered
this unexpected interruption. My daughter was hanging
her head and shaking it, and my husband mouthed the
words "Get him out of here."
My face was three shades of red as I led Jordan out
down the long aisle and listened to him continually
repeat the same inquiry: "Mom, why won't it go down?"
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The Last Letter
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Counting Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you cheat on your partner? Sometimes it is so hard to make the
distinction between actually 'cheating' and just being friendly. Here
are some ground rules to help people determine if the sex counted. This
list of rules can be very helpful to determine if you have cheated on
your partner.
*^* Oral sex does not count.
*^* If you can't remember the person's name the following day it doesn't
count.
*^* If you failed to call the person back to have more sex it doesn't
count.
*^* If neither of you achieved orgasm it doesn't count.
*^* Sex with a friend, doesn't count, it's just another thing you share.
*^* If the act was so lame, you leave thinking "did I shave my legs for
this," it doesn't count.
*^* An old flame doesn't count.
*^* An ex-spouse doesn't count. Refer to this as a "pity fuck."
*^* Masturbating in front of someone while they do the same, sorry, not
sex.
*^* Cybersex - no way! This is glorified masturbation.
*^* Two heterosexual women having fun, not sex.
*^* Kissing is not cheating.
*^* An act to make a married person feel good about themselves, not sex,
but only if you do not know their significant other.
*^* An act committed while you were intoxicated, doesn't count.
*^* An act committed with a family member of your significant other,
doesn't count. This should be referred to as "a skeleton in the family
closet."
*^* Acts committed in a public place, doesn't count (why should it, it
was fun right?).
*^* Phone sex, doesn't count. Refer back to "glorified masturbation"
*^* In a car doesn't count, way to cramped. If vehicle is in motion and
has a console or stick shift, this counts, way too kinky and erotic not
to count, unless the act was totally oral, then refer back to rule #1.
*^* An act committed in which the female of the encounter did not achieve
total satisfaction (orgasm), doesn't count.
*^* An act committed in which total bodily fluids have not been exchanged
(pull 'n pray method of birth control) doesn't count.
*^* An act in which no kissing takes place, doesn't count (not considered
to be intimate).
*^* An act in which "you do all the work", doesn't count.
*^*An act committed with your next door neighbor, doesn't count. This
should be referred to as "being neighborly."
*^* An act committed with an acquaintance because you are angry with your
significant other doesn't count.
*^* An act which only happens on a random basis, doesn't count. This
should be considered a "fuck friend."
*^* Sex does count if a pregnancy results!
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Toon Chips
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Dildo Alert
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Limerick Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Little Bo Peep, has lost her sheep,
And doesn't know where to find 'em...
But a search revealed,
They were out in the field,
With Little Boy Blue behind 'em.
____________
Snowplows last week rolled out
Will fuel supplies hold out?
They might, or may
But skeptics say
"Not if it stays coal doubt"
(By Gary Hallock)
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Said a horny young girl from Milpitas,
"My favorite sport is coitus."
But a fullback from Ohio State
Made her period late,
And now she has athlete's fetus
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Parting Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A lady is out playing golf and get's stung by a bee.
She goes to the pro shop for help and asks the man behind the counter
for help..."I was just stung by a bee".
The man asks.... "where did you get stung?"....The lady
replies...."
your stance was too wide".....
Randy
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Bonus Chip
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A cub reporter covered a story about an attack on a woman by an escapee
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The editor told him the headline needed a little punch to grab the reader's
attention. After a while he came back with "Fiend Fucks and Flees".
The editor told him it was a family paper and they couldn't use a headline
like that, go back and try again.
Much later he came back with "Nut Screws and Bolts".
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn
Vol 981
An Act of Remembrance
Diana: Everyone in the van!
Sandi: Where are we going?
BJ: Time to decorate the graves.
Sandi: I need my car sickness pill.
BJ: Here you go girl.
Ginger: Can I have one to?
Diana: You don't need one.
Later, much later in Emporia, Kansas.
Diana: Okay, everyone out.
Rudy: Whew, I need to find a tree!
Katie: A bush will do just fine.
Sandi: Who's grave is this Daddy?
BJ: This is my Maternal grandmother and grandfather'
Ginger: Gee sorry grandpa.
BJ: I never knew my grandfather, he was gone before I was born.
My grandmother flew in a bi-plane on a barnstormers plane though.
Katie: Wow.
Diana: Okay back in the van for the next stop...Wichita, Kansas.
To be continued.
the herd in Kansas
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Adult Adult Adult
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