Adult Adult
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
Received this from Mystra
This is true according to Snopes:
http://www.snopes.
A woman said her son found his license plate missing so he called the police
to file a report.
They told him people were stealing the plates to get free gas.
Given the rise in gas prices, people have taken to stealing license plates,
putting them on their car, then getting gas and running.
The gas station will have "your" license plate # and you
could be in trouble for "pump and run.
Check your car periodically to be sure you still have a plate.
If you should find it missing, file a report immediately!
your license plate! Make sure you always know it's there!
When the license plate is reported as the "drive off vehicle", it's YOU they
contact! Be aware!!!!
Be aware of your license plates, most of us never look to see if they're
there
buffalo says This does seem a little elaborate just to steal a tank
of gas but I have no doubt that someone has probably tried it
before. In Michigan this can have sever repercussions as the
state will permanently revoke the license of anyone caught driving
off without paying for gas. In California I had a friend who got
into an argument with some would be gangsters and they stole the plates from
his van and committed a robbery with revenge as a
motive. They knew that the thing would be on video and used a similar van
but what they didn't know that his van had a blown motor and couldn't be
driven anywhere and they were caught eventually.
It did cause some tense moments though as armed robbery is frowned upon by
the police department.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Short Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
An anxious husband called the hospital to ask about his
wife who was pregnant. Accidentally, he called the cricket
stadium. He asked, "How are things?"
He fainted after hearing this reply:
"Fine! Three are out, we hope to have the remaining seven
out by lunch. And the last one out was a duck."
~~
80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home.
She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces,
"Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have their way with me
tonight!!"
An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"
Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Toon Chips For Those Who Can't Wait
Dermatologist
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Cookies
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Bitching And Moaning
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Old Fag Ad...
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Airbag...
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Random Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why are blondes like pianos?
When they aren't upright, they're grand.
What do blondes do for foreplay?
Remove their underwear.
Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to
Dolly:
"I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!"
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A
beer please, and one for the road."
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
Did you hear about the new course you can take at school?
Yes, Intercourse ... you go between periods and you are expected to
come.
There is a sign in the toilet of the Sex Change Clinic.
It reads "We may never piss this way again." <Thanx Bruce>
She was so wild that when she made French toast she got her tongue
caught in the toaster.
- Rodney Dangerfield
Everybody likes a little ass,
but nobody likes a smartass.
Little Johnny was taking confession, and he told the priest that he was
having impure thoughts about his sister. "Is this a sin, Father?" he
asked. The priest nodded and said, "Yes, Little Johnny, indeed, it is a
sin. Look at the two beautiful brothers you have."
Q: What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom?
A: The pickpocket snatches your watch.
Q: What do you get when you cross Billy Ray Cyrus and a
yeast infection?
A: An itchy, twitchy twat.
I always ask atheists: If there is no God, then who pops up the next
Kleenex?
Thought for the day:
It's a strange world of language in which skating
on thin ice can get you into hot water.
Amy
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mexican Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Mexican family was considering putting their
Grandfather in a nursing home.
All the Catholic facilities were completely full so
They had to put him in a Jewish home.
After a few weeks in the Jewish facility, they came to
Visit grandpa.
"How do you like it here?" asks the grandson
"It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and
Respectful," says grandpa.
"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was
The wrong place for you. You know, since you are a
Little different from everyone."
"Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they
Treat the residents here," grandpa says with a big
Smile.
"There's a musician here -- he's 85 years old. He
hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone
Still calls him 'Maestro'!"
"There is a judge in here -- he's 95 years old. He
hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone
Still calls him 'Your Honor'!"
"And there's a physician here -- 90 years old. He
hasn't been practicing medicine for 25 years and
Everyone still calls him 'Doctor'!"
"And me...., I haven't had sex for 35 years and they
Still call me "The F**king Mexican"!
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Marriage Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
John & Marsha were having marital difficulties, neither being able to
satisfy the other sexually.
One day Marsha visited her friend Dorothy, who was quite a woman of the
world, and casually mentioned the problem.
"It's not the first time I've heard of it," said Dorothy. "You can go to all
the doctors in the world and they can't help you. But there is a remedy."
For God's sake, Dorothy, tell me what it is!" exclaimed Marsha.
She said, "Well, since you insist, and against my better judgment, I will
tell you. The only remedy is for John to eat it."
"Oh, no!" exclaimed Marsha, "He would never do that!"
Dorothy shrugged. "There you have it -- take it or leave it. You asked and I
told you."
Driving home, Marsha t prepared an unusually fine supper for John that
night. When he returned from work he enjoyed it mightily, but wondered a bit
about the reason for it.
"That was a great meal," he said. "Anything unusual happen today? Enjoy your
visit with Dorothy?"
Marsha told John of Dorothy's suggestion.
"Absolutely not!" he exploded.
"I won't engage in such disgusting practices."
But Marsha urged and begged until finally John gave in.
"OK," he said. "I guess it won't hurt to try it once."
Marsha went up and got into bed, pulling the covers up to her neck.
When John arrived he surveyed the scene and tried to decide how to proceed.
Finally he raised the covers at the foot of the bed and crawled under them.
Groping around until he located his target, with much hesitation, he
undertook his task.
No sooner than he started, Marsha broke wind explosively.
Under the covers, a muffled voice was heard to say.... "Thank God for that
breath of fresh air."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Brick Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
In a class, a teacher showed the students a brick and said,
"Now everybody will tell me what you think about when you see this
brick.""
I think of our heroic toilers who build communism using such bricks," one
student said.
"Good. Now you, Sveta."
"I think about our heroic forefathers who used such bricks as a weapon when
they fought on barricades during the Revolution."
"Very good. Now you, Peter."
"I think of a pussy."
"And why, permit me to ask, are you thinking of such a thing when I
specifically showed you this brick?"
"No reason, I just always think of pussy."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Little Johnny Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Little Johnny was playing Washington, DC taxi driver. He was using a
discarded vegetable crate for the body and the hub cap from a Cadillac
for the steering wheel. "Hey look at me!" he squealed. "Here I am, a
real DC taxi driver, driving up Pennsylvania Avenue at 70 miles and hour
and picking up speed." As he was busily steering, he was also making the
accompanying noises of blowing the horn, cursing out pedestrians who ran
across the street in front of him, giving drivers the one-finger salute
who got in his way, and screeching his brakes as he tried to avoid being
hit or hitting someone.
Little Mary was sitting on her tricycle watching intently. Becoming
interested in what he was doing and all the excitement he was having,
she asked, "Johnny, can I please go riding with you. When you take that
senator to his office, can I ride with you? Pleeeeeease Johnny!,
Pleeeeeeeease!
"Wait just a minute," little Johnny said, as he cut back the sound of
his motor and began to slow down the sounds of his motor. "I'll drop
this guy off, swing around the block, come up the right way on that
one-say street you're on and take you up for a quick ride."
Little Mary climbed on the back of the vegetable crate and said, "I'm
in, let's go!"
"Hey, fasten your seat belt," little Johnny commanded. "I'm a real taxi
driver and I like to drive fast. The faster I drive, the more money I
make and the more people I hear scream. So, prepare yourself, I'm fixing
to make the tires squeal!"
After checking things out and revving up the engine, off the went. About
the time he was up to 80 miles and hour, and had narrowly missed a tour
bus, Little Mary announced that she had to pee pee.
"Hey, don't make to stop right now, I'm on the way to the airport to
catch a flight for some guy who's late. I'm sorry, but you'll just have
to hold on for a second," Little Johnny said quite concerned with her
discomfort. "You've got to hang in there for another minute or so!"
Little Johnny heard something that sounded like water running and when
he looked down he saw a stream of yellow running between his feet. Then,
he glanced around and to see better he turned around and stared -- there
sat Little Mary with her 'girlhood' exposed.
"Gee, that little thing is cute," he said, "real cute. Would you mind if
I touch it?"
She nodded that he could, and he did -- ever so very briefly. "Hey,
would you like to kiss it?" she asked.
"Hell no, I don't. You got me all wrong. You must have forgotten just
who you're riding with," exclaimed Little Johnny. "I ain't Bill Clinton
or Gary Condit, I'm just a DC taxi driver!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
LynnLynn's Links
~~~~~~~~~~~~
If You haven't joined LynnLynn's mailing List yet, send a blank e-mail
to LynnLynns-links-
Hello Everyone Today has been 1 year since Aunt Lynn passed on.I Just want
to say thank you for loving her as much as I do and always will ,I miss her
so much ,Please take a moment to think of her today as I do each and every
day, She was a wonderful wife,mother,
helped so many people online and off and she will never be forgotten.Today
is also my 6th wedding anniversary. Melissa
http://babylissa.
*+*+*+*+*+*+
Subscribers and Friends
Jesus Is In The House
http://www.wtv-
Hyacinth w/The Little Old House
http://hyacinth.
Ginny w/Va-Room! Va-Room!
http://poetrybyginn
Frecs w/PURRecious FURiends
http://www.geocitie
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Surfin Surfari
Trivia, Quizzes, Puzzles, Jokes, Useless Knowledge, FUN!
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Squizzle.com | Scotch Tape Art Via Dianne
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Lost Labor
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MomsMinivan.
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Tech Talk ( Computers and Web-tv)
Auslogics Disk Defrag
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Entertainment Software Rating Board
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Opera
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Doggie Zone
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Kitty Korner
Caring For Newborn Kittens
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Movies
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Japan TV
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Bank Robber Mask
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Beat That Ass
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Ben Bon
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Salesman Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
The manager of ladies' dress shop realized it was time to give one her
sale clerks a ' pep talk '. "Jane, your figures are well below any of
our other salespeople'
record soon, I'm afraid you'll have to let you go."
"I'm sorry, Ma'am," said a humbled Jane. "Can you give me any advice on
how to do better?"
"Well, there is an old trick I can tell you about. It sounds silly, but
it's worked for me in the past. Get hold of a dictionary and go
through it until you come to a word that had particular power for you.
Memorize it, work it into your sales pitch whenever it seems
appropriate, and you'll be amazed at the results."
Sure enough, Jane's sales figures went way up, and at the end of the
month, the manager called her in again and congratulated her. "Did you
try my little trick?" she asked.
Jane nodded. "It took me a whole weekend to find the right word, but I
did:.... ' Fantastic.' "
"'Fantastic.
have you been using it?"
"Well, my first customer on Monday was a woman who told me her little
girl had just been accepted at the most exclusive prep school in the
city. I said, 'Fantastic.' She went on to tell me how her daughter
always got straight A's and was the most popular girl in her class, I
said 'Fantastic' and she bought $300 worth of clothing. My next
customer said she needed a formal dress for the spring ball at the
country club, which she was in charge of. I said 'Fantastic.' She went
on to tell she had the best figure of anyone on the committee and her
husband makes the most money. I said 'Fantastic' and she not only
bought the designer gown, but hundreds of dollars of other merchandise.
It's been like that all week: the customers keep boasting, I keep
saying 'Fantastic', and they keep buying."
"Excellent work, Jane," complimented her boss. "Just as a point of
interest, what did you used to say to customers before you discovered
your power word?"
Jane shrugged. "I used to say, 'Who gives a shit?'"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Toon Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Moms dresser
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Pick up line
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Dairy products
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Doggie Style
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Loan drive thur
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Big Weenies
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Aladdin's pick up line
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all my energy
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Random Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chivalry has changed from the days of Sir Walter Raleigh, but contrary
to rumor, it hasn't died out altogether: A man will still lay his coat
at the feet of a pretty girl; the difference is that nowadays it's
intended to keep her back from getting dirty.
An old man, walking down the street, saw a small boy sitting on the curb
crying. He stopped and asked, "Little boy, why are you crying?" The
little boy said, "I'm crying because I can't do what the big boys do."
So the old man sat down alongside of him and cried, too.
Everyone in the smart night club was amazed by the old gentleman,
obviously pushing seventy, tossing off Manhattans and cavorting around
the dance floor like a twenty year old. Finally, curiosity got the best
of the cigarette girl. "I beg your pardon, sir," she said, "but I'm
amazed to see a gentleman of your age living it up like a youngster.
Tell me, are all of your faculties unimpaired?" The old fellow looked up
at the girl sadly and shook his head. "Not all, I'm afraid," he said.
"Just last evening I went nightclubbing with a girlfriend--
danced all night and finally rolled into her place about two A.M. We
went to bed immediately and I was asleep almost as soon as my head hit
the pillow. I woke around three-thirty and nudged my girl. "Why George,"
she said in surprise, "we did that just fifteen minutes ago." "So you
see," the old boy said sadly, "my memory is beginning to fail me."
Trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you don't get a
chance to prove it.
The old bull's active days were over, but the kindly farmer permitted
him to stay on in the pasture with the cows. Of course, the farmer also
turned a young bull loose in the field and the newcomer went to work
imediately. Seeing this, the old bull began snorting and pawing the
ground with his hoof. "You're wasting your time," said the farmer.
"You're too old for that sort of thing now." "I know," said the bull,
"but I can show him I'm not a cow, can't I?"
The boor tapped on the sleeping parakeet's cage and said, "Hey, birdie,
can you talk?" "Sure," said the bird, "can you fly?"
"I was a 97-lb. weakling," the man said to his drinking companion, "and
whenever I went to the beach with my girl, this 197-lb. bully came over
and kicked sand in my face. So I took this weight-lifting course I read
about and in a little while I weighed 197 lbs. "So what happened?" his
friend wanted to know. "I went to the beach with my girl and a 257 lb.
bully kicked sand in my face."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Parting Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sixteen reasons why airplanes are easier to live with than women:
1) Airplanes usually kill you quickly, a woman takes her time.
2) Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch.
3) Airplanes don't get mad if you do a "touch and go"
4) Airplanes don't object to a preflight inspection.
5) Airplanes come with manuals to explain their operation.
6) Airplanes have strict weight and balance limitations.
7) Airplanes can be flown any time of the month.
8) Airplanes don't come with in-Iaws.
9) Airplanes don't care about how many other airplanes you've flown
before.
10) Airplanes and pilots both arrive at the same time.
11) Airplanes don't mind if you look at other airplanes.
12) Airplanes don't mind if you buy airplane magazines.
13) Airplanes expect to be tied down.
14) Airplanes don't comment on your piloting skills.
15) Airplanes don't whine unless something is really wrong.
16) However, when airplanes go quiet, just like women, it's usually not
good.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bonus Chip
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three couples were married and stayed at the same hotel for their
honeymoons, where they were all taken care of by Dave the Bellboy.
The first man married a nurse.
Dave showed them to their room and thought to himself, "What a lucky
guy. Nurses are known to be hot to trot".
The second man married a telephone operator.
Dave showed them to their room and thought to himself,"Wow, he's a
lucky one. Telephone operators have sexy voices and once you pop that
top
button...Va-
The third man married a school teacher.
Dave showed them to their room and thought to himself, "Poor guy,
she's pretty but teachers are just too frigid".
The next morning, Dave reported to work at 5:30 in the morning. He
expected only the teacher's husband to call for breakfast any minute
and the other two would call much later in the day.
At 6:00 a.m. the phone rang. It was the nurse's husband wanting
breakfast. The nurse's husband opened the door and Dave stepped back
in shock. The man's pajamas were still pressed and his hair nicely
combed.
Dave asked, "What happened sir? You married a nurse.
The man sourly replies, "Son, don't ever marry a nurse. All I heard
last night was her nagging voice saying, " You're not sanitary, you're
not
sanitary."
At 6:30 a.m., the phone rang again.
The telephone operator's husband called for breakfast. Dave brought
it as fast as possible hoping for the best. The man opened the door and
Dave stepped back in shock. The man's hair and pajamas were properly
combed and pressed.
Dave asked," What happened? Telephone operators are supposed to be as
sexy as their voices."
The man sourly replies "Son, don't ever marry a telephone operator.
All I heard last night was her a nasal voice saying, "You're three
minutes
are up, your three minutes are up."
Dave went back down to the desk, just knowing the teachers husband
would be calling any minute.
Finally at 4:30 p.m., the teacher's husband called for breakfast.
Dave can't believe it but quickly took the breakfast to the couples
room. The man opened the door and Dave took a step back in shock. The
man
was wearing only his boxers, his hair was a mess, and he had scratch
marks on his chest, arms and legs.
Dave fearing the worst, asked " What happened to you? Did you have a
fight?"
The man smiled and happily replied, "No. Son, when you marry, be sure
to marry a school teacher. All I heard last night was her sexy smooth
voice saying "We are going to do this over and over, until we get it
right"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn
Vol 986
Legal Immigrants
Rob is asleep in the RV and Tami is driving.
BJ has already arrived at his destination.
Tami sees a roadblock and stops.
Passport please?
Tami: What? I am just crossing into New Mexico.
Sorry but the new regulations and rules....
Tami: You sure look a lot like Katie.
I need a photo ID, birth certificate, driver's license
and something with your mailing address on it.
Tami: This is crazy.
Crazy, do you have a doctor's certificate stating your
health is okay?
Tami: Ack! I am only crossing a state line.
That will be twenty dollars please.
Tami: Do you take checks?
Yes, with proper ID. May I see your driver's license.
Tami: You just saw it.
You may have swapped paperwork since then.
Tami: Let me get my husband.
Err-ah you may pass.
Tami: What about the twenty dollars?
I will take it. Thanks and have a nice day.
The crossing guard leaves.
Tami: Something tells me I have been had.
Let me look at the receipt. KSR enterprises thanks
you and have a nice day. #@%@@!!
To be continued
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Adult Adult Adult
Remember 9/11/01
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Compilation and narrative copyright 2002 by william Brabant
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