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Learning Empathy

It doesn’t take a college degree to learn this life skill

Scott Monty

Jun 18

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*The Old Shepherd’s Chief Mourner* by Edwin Landseer, 1837 (public domain - Wikimedia Commons)

“They may forget what you said — but they will never forget how you made them feel.”
— Carl W. Buehner, 1971

Commencement may signify the ending of one phase of education, but it’s a beginning of a new phase of life for the graduates — hence, the use of a word from the Latin, cominitiare, to initiate.

That new phase isn’t an ending of education, but rather the beginning of additional knowledge that extends beyond the pages of a book or the walls of a classroom.

“Education never ends, Watson. It is a series of lessons with the greatest for the last.”
— Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, 1911

As we continue our look at some commencement speeches that matter,¹ this one comes from my alma mater, Boston University, where alumna Emily Deschanel spoke last month.

Her message — one about empathy — comes at a particularly appropriate time.

Not Just an Artist; a Person

While she began her remarks with a self-effacing reference, noting that she was neither a Nobel laureate nor a dignitary, she quickly got to the part that mattered:

“I’m an actor. I just pretend for a living. But then I realized pretending is one word for what actors do, only one word. What we really do is try to understand people, to have empathy for them. We ask, “What makes someone tick? What are they afraid of? What do they want?” That’s what I spent my whole life trying to do. And I I’ve come to believe it’s one of the most powerful tools we have, not just as artists, but as people: Empathy.”

Such a simple concept, but one that seems to be lacking in so many corners of the world at the moment.

“Empathy makes people feel seen, heard, and known. It creates an environment of respect and care. I remember so clearly a time in my professional life where someone else's empathy made all the difference.”

Showing people you care about them is one of the most basic and important things you can do, whether you’re a leader, a friend, or a parent. Without demonstrating that you love them and care about them, you may as well just walk away.

Leaders Take the Time They Don’t Have

Deschanel went on to describe a situation in her first season on Bones, her first major show, in which she was working long hours, trying to learn scientific terminology, and was generally stressed out. Studio bosses had concerns about her work: she was late and unprepared. Now she had the threat of being fired looming in her mind as well.

The next day, the crew surprised her with a birthday party. Everyone showed up, including the studio executives who were critical of her, which caused her to break down and run to her trailer. But then the empathy of showrunner Hart Hanson kicked in:

“Now, I was definitely getting fired. Instead, Hart, my boss, stepped in. He told everyone to take a break and he went to find me huddled nobly in a weepy ball in my trailer. He assured me that I hadn’t blown up my career. Despite the fact that Hart was under crazy pressure himself, pulling his own late nights, dealing with his own criticism from the network and studio, he took time he didn’t have to problem solve with me and help me find a better process.”

Sometimes, all we have to do is show up and listen — really listen — to make it clear that we care. When people see and understand that, it can change the way they show up.

“This may not sound revelatory for him to show compassion, but our business is filled with bombastic personalities, narcissists. Hart wasn't like that…Hart had shown me empathy. And in doing so, he created an environment where I could actually succeed, not just for nine more episodes, but for 233 more.”

Empathy Starts with You

Many leaders tend to be perfectionists; they expect high performance out of their teams, but also out of themselves. And in doing so, they can be unnecessarily hard on themselves.

“Sometimes the hardest empathy to have is for ourselves… Remember that you are a human being who will make mistakes. You will fail… Be gentle with yourself. Yes, you can challenge yourself. Expect more from yourself. But why not also be kind? Empathy isn’t weakness. It’s not about letting people off the hook for their behavior or choices. It’s about understanding what led to those choices so you can decide how to respond from a place of authenticity. Empathy is what inspires action and leads to compassionate change in the world.”

Watch the whole speech:

We could all use a heavy dose of empathy and compassion right about now. Both giving and receiving it.

When we considering what others might be enduring and show them understanding and grace, along with the generosity of our time and attention, we give them a priceless gift.

It could mean the difference between someone just getting by or succeeding beyond their wildest imagination.