Adult Adult
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
After being scolded at the first of the year for sending sweet snacks
in for Eva's class Sandy and Buffy went out and got bananas and
tangerines for the Valentine's Day party instead of chocolate chip
cookies. Eva came home with her Valentine sack decorated with
paper hearts and in addition to a handful of Valentine's there was
cupcakes, cookies, and various candy. It was kind of funny after
being told about healthy to see Valentine's with Pixy Sticks stuck
through them which is just pure sugar with a little flavor added
but I am proud of the school. They have used common sense with
a healthy snack everyday but still allowing treats on the holidays
that are going to give these kids some of the same sweet memories
that we have. Actually though Eva's favorite of the day was fresh
buttered popcorn from the school's popcorn machine, she saved her
little bucket home and asked Sandy to make more popcorn and
refill it. Microwave or on the stove Orville's or store brand it just
isn't the same. We have had air poppers and butter bits and special
seasonings and that doesn't work either. Sandy still makes most of it
the way she has for thirty years. She has a two quart aluminum pan
that is missing the cover, so she puts a enamel cover on it from a pan
long gone. One would think that after 30 years Sandy would have the
ingredients down but each time about five minutes into the process
Sandy is screaming as popcorn is overflowing onto the burner and
catching fire. Then the smoke alarm goes off and Sandy is trying
to put all of the burning kernels with a towel heh heh.
I have prepared Eva for the next trip to the interventionalist.. I gave
her one of several old trac phones laying around and told her to put it
in her pocket and when the woman started talking to her, take it out and
say, Scotty, Beam me out of here. Eva has already pulled it on her mom
and Sandy and the surprised look was great.
Enjoy the chips... buffalo
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Police Chips
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A cop was walking his beat through a back alley when he
caught a young boy having a wank in the long grass.
"What do you think you're doing?" the cop said.
"What does it look like? I'm having a wank," the kid replied.
"You'd best be careful, boy." the cop warned. "When we catch
a young fella doing that, we cut his dick off, stretch and dry
it, put a leather thong through one end to make a police baton
out of it."
"And I bet I know what you do when you catch a girl doing it."
said the young boy.
"And what's that?" asked the cop.
"I bet you cut out her cunt, dry and stretch it, then put it in a
blue
uniform!"
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Little Johnny Chips
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One day Little Johnny's teacher, decided to play a spelling game. She
gave a letter of the alphabet and the kids have to spell a word
starting with that letter, then use it in a sentence. Starting with
"A" Little Johnny's hand was continually in the air, but the teacher
ignored him. Little Johnny had a propensity for lewd remarks and
could turn the simplest of statements into sexual innuendo. The
teacher was afraid to let Johnny use any letter that he could
turninto a lewd statement.
"All right now, Susan, you first?" said the teacher.
"A is for Ape, A-P-E, An ape likes bananas" answered Susan.
"Excellent " said the teacher.
She continues on through the alphabet. Finally she reaches F. Now she
will NOT let Little Johnny answer this under any circumstances so she
asks Mary.
"F is for Fairy F-A-I-R-Y, they're little girls who lives among the
flowers", Mary replies.
"Great", says the teacher. "Now we get to G".
Only Little Johnny has his hand up so the teacher thinks about this
and decides "G" is a safe one. "Yes Johnny?" She asks.
"G is for Gnome G-N-O-M-E. A Gnome lives among the flowers too".
"Johnny! That's Excellent!" Exclaims the teacher, very happy that for
once he wasn't out of line.
Little Johnny goes on to say, "yes, teacher, he's the one who screws
the fairies!"
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Short Chips
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What did the dirty old tramp say to a bunch of
school girls?
"Hey girls, do you wanna go turkey shootin?"
"OK" came the reply.
"Good, you gobble I'll shoot."
~~~~
Bill asks Doug to go with him for a drink.
Doug replies, "Sorry Bill, I have to go to the drugstore to pick up a
'patch' subscription for my wife. She's quitting smoking today."
"Oh okay, well, good luck to her!" Bill said.
"Yeah, well it is really lucky me," grinned Doug. "I told her to let
me know any time she has an urge to put something in her mouth to
suck on."
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IRS Chips
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A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains
without
water.
His horse has already died of thirst.
He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last
breath - when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand
several yards ahead of him.
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what
looks
to be an old brief case.
He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie.
She is wearing an IRS ID badge and a dull gray dress.
There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind
one
ear.
"Well, cowboy," says the genie... "You know how I work. You have three
wishes."
"I'm not falling for this", said the cowboy. "I'm not going to trust an
IRS
genie."
She smiled and said, "What do you have to lose? You've got no
transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"
The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is
right.
He said, "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and
drink."
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen.
And
he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
The genie said, "OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish."
"My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams."
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare
gold
coins and precious gems.
The genie said, "OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better
make it
a good one!"
After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says... "I wish that no
matter
where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."
***POOF***
He turned into a tampon.
The moral of the story: If the government offers you anything, there's
going
to be a string attached
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Ski Chips
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Even if you aren't a skier, you'll be able to appreciate the humor of
the
slopes as written in a New Orleans paper:
A friend just got back from a holiday skiing trip to Utah with the kind
of
stor y that warms the cockles of anybody's heart. Conditions were
perfect...12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic numbness all
over...the
"Tell me when we're having fun" kind of day.
One of the women in the group complained to her husband that she was in
dire
need of a rest room. He told her not to worry, that he was sure there
was
relief waiting at the top of the lift in the form of a powder room for
female skiers in distress. He was wrong, of course, and the pain did not
go
away. If you've ever had nature hit its panic button in you, then you
know
that a temperature of 12 below doesn't help matters. With time running
out,
the woman weighed her options. Her husband, picking up on the intensity
of
the pain, suggested that since she was wearing an all-white ski outfit,
she
should go off in the woods and no one would even notice. He assured her,
The
white will provide more than adequate camouflage."
So she headed for the tree line, began lowering her ski pants and
proceeded
to do her thing. If you've ever parked on the side of a slope, then you
know
there is a right way and wrong way to set your skis so you don't move.
Yup, you got it!!! She had them positioned the wrong way. Steep slopes
are
not forgiving...even during the most embarrassing moments. Without
warning,
the woman found herself skiing backward, out-of-control, racing through
the
trees...somehow missing all of them and onto another slope. Her derriere
and
the reverse side were still bare, her pants down around her knees, and
she
was picking up speed all the while. She continued backwards, totally
out-of-control, creating an unusual vista for the other skiers. The
woman
skied back under the lift and finally collided violently with a pylon.
The bad news was that she broke her arm and was unable to pull up her
ski
pants. At long last her husband arrived, putting an end to her nudie
show,
then summoned the ski patrol. They transported her to a hospital.
While in the emergency room, a man with an obviously broken leg was put
in
the bed next to hers. "So, how'd you break your leg?" she asked, making
small talk. "It was the stupidest thing you ever saw," he said. "I was
riding up this ski lift and suddenly, I couldn't believe my eyes! There
was
this crazy woman skiing backward, out-of-control, down the mountain,
with
her bare bottom hanging out of her pants. I leaned over to get a better
look
and fell out of the lift." . "So, how'd you break your arm?
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LynnLynn's Links
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Cellar Chips
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Walt lived in a block of flats which had a large, dark cellar. His
four-year-old daughter Samantha and other kids who lived in the block
liked
playing down there, much to the worry of their parents. Finally the
parents
had a meeting and decided that they would all speak to their children,
warning them of the dangers of playing down in the cellar.
A few weeks later, Walt was chatting with a neighbor and they proudly
told
each other that their respective offspring had stopped playing down in
the
cellar. "How did you stop your kid?" the neighbor asked.
"Well," said Walt, "I told Samantha that her mummy and I were very
worried
about her playing down the cellar. It's very dark and dangerous. The
stairs
are old and steep and slippery and she could lose her step, fall and
badly
hurt herself. There's broken glass all over the floor, and old crates
that
she could bump into and bruise herself. I said she's a grown-up little
girl
now and it would be irresponsible to go playing down there. And what did
you
tell your Jim?"
The neighbor replied, "I said, Jim, if you go down that cellar one more
time, the little green goblin is going to come and cut your pecker off!"
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Toon Chips
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Card Chips
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CARDS YOU WILL NEVER SEE IN HALLMARK:
-1-"Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your wife."
-2-"How could two people as beautiful you have such an ugly baby?"
-3-"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.
After having met you, I've changed my mind."
-4-"I must admit, you brought Religion in my life.
I never believed in Hell 'til I met you."
-5-"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help
but
wonder: What was I thinking?"
-6-"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that
you're not here to ruin it for me."
-7-"If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's
your sister."
-8-"As you grow older, Mom, I think of all the gifts you've given me.
Like the need for therapy"
-9-"Thanks for being a part of my life!!! I never knew what
evil was before this!"
-10-"Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would like to
take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."
-11-"Someday I hope to get married,
but not to you."
-12-"Sorry things didn't work out,
but I can't handle guys with boobs that are bigger than mine."
-13-"I just want you to know that I'm sorry for what happened,
especially since you survived."
-14-"Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...
almost lifelike!"
-15-"Congratulations on getting Married!
It's not every day you decide to ruin your life!"
-16-"I always wanted to be rich, powerful, and well respected.
While I'm dreaming, I wish you weren't so damn ugly."
-17-"Sex with you is like using drugs.
Lots of people do it, but nobody's stupid enough to admit it."
-18-"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that
we've
broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise."
-19-"Just remember... Jesus Loves You-
Everyone else thinks you're an asshole!"
-20-"The holidays are a great time to be with family.
Of course, your family won't be with you, since I'm taking the kids
and moving in with my sister, you cheating ass!!"
-21- knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend.
So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."
-22-"We have been friends for a very long time,
what do you say we call it quits."
-23-"I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like
you're here."
-24- If you ever need a friend,
buy a dog."
-25-"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?"
-26-"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and
there
was only one life jacket I'd miss you a lot and think of you often."
-27-"If you didn't have any money, I'd still love you.
And miss you very much."
-28-"Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday
so
we're having you put to sleep."
-29-"Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!"
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Parting Chips
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There once was an OB named Randy,
Whose rapport with young patients was dandy;
To get their feet high
In the stirrups, he'd try
Distraction, by giving them candy.
Ginger, from County of Dade
Said, "I think it's time I got laid."
"My vibrator can tingle"
"But it's not cunnilingual"
"And that's how orgasms are made."
__________________________________
Did you hear about young Henry Lockett
Who went for a ride in a rocket?
The force of the blast
Blew his balls up his ass,
And his pecker was found in his pocket.
__________________________________
There was an old man from the Nile
Whose sexual habits were vile.
Yet whenever he'd score
The women all swore
That he sure made perversion worthwhile.
Ross
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Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
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Katie's Komfort Kolumn
Vol 2140
Susan's Birthday
(again sharing stories)
Sandi: Today is Susan's birthday. I think she and I should slug it
out.
Katie: No, no, no. The day is beautiful, she would want to see the
trees and such and dance with me in the forest.
Rudy: I have my top hat on and tux. I am the only guy here I think she
would like to escorted to a nice place.
Sandi: Where would you take her Rudy:
Rudy: So in dog years are you more than 350 years old?
Rudy: I have reservations for two at the Zoo.
Katie: The Zoo? That is no place to take a lady.
Rudy: Hrumpt! We will see. Let's go to her work and see.
Later at AFA
Security: You cannot come in here!
Rudy: Look buster, you move or I will break every bone in your body
and bury you in the yard outside.
Security: Go ahead and pass.
A couple of minutes later.....
Katie: There she is, let's surprise her.
Sandi: How?
Rudy: By throwing a bag over her and taking her with us.
Later in their dog van.
Susan: Help! I am being kidnaped!
Sandi: No, you are not, you are being dognaped.
Katie: Happy birthday to you Susan.
Rudy: Here have a dog biscuit cake. We make it special just for you.
Sandi blushing: Yes, it is my own recipe. I made you this dog collar
with
tags included.
Susan: That is sweet guys, but I should be at work.
Katie: Why? It is a pretty day. You should be running in the forest.
Sandi: Or sleeping.
Rudy: Or digging.
Susan: I am a biped and I have a job to do.
Rudy: You bipeds sure are a strange lot. Well here you are back at
your
work. Don't forget your dog biscuit cake, your dog collar.
Susan: Thanks guys. I will never forget this.
The herd
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Adult Adult Adult
*********************************************
Remember 9/11/01
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711 Pine Street Apt.1
Sault Ste Marie Michigan 49783
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Compilation and narrative copyright 2002 by william Brabant
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