Adult Adult
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
Tonight is the night to turn your clocks back an hour
if you live in one of the many states that conforms
to Daylight Savings Time. If you are in a non-conformist
state do what you usually do because we don't care. If
you have ever been on a Navy cruise halfway around the
world traveling 400-800 miles a day you are used to
resetting clocks every few days and adjusting your
schedule accordingly so it doesn't really matter much
anyhow. I just wish that they would do it on the same
date every year. For that matter do it during the day.
I am sure there are some people who would enjoy working
a seven hour shift once a year although the corresponding
nine hour shift probably wouldn't go over too well.
Speaking of things happening on a different day each
year, do you know what happens on the first Saturday
after the ninth each November? It's not like I really
have to be concerned anymore even though the wife would
be happy to get rid of me but the 10th this year is
Sadie Hawkins Day. Maybe if I'm really lucky though
the daughter will go out and catch a boyfriend.
The newspaper and the daily funnies were a much awaited
part of every day and Lil' Abner was perhaps one of
the best ever wrote from the 1930's until the 1970's
Sadie Hawkins day started out when one of the founders
of the town of Dogpatch hit upon a footrace as a way
to marry off his 35 year old spinster daughter. The
available males of the town lined up and were given
a head start to run or hide before the single women
were turned loose after them. A preacher was available
to marry the ones that got caught and dragged back to the starting
line before sundown.
Even though the race only lasted about 8 hours, as with
most things that happened in comic strip the plot and
the race lasted for days and sometimes weeks depending on
what new ideas the writer had. This did carry over into
real life not in the form of a race but in dances that
are probably still being held where the girl invites
the boy and usually foots the bill for dinner and
transportation.
See you in 25 hours... buffalo
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Cheney Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Top Ten Things Overheard During Dick Cheney's Hunting Trip
10. "Has everyone updated their will?"
9. "The crisp air is giving me goose bumps — no, wait, it's
another heart attack"
8. "This can't end well"
7. "My pacemaker also makes bird calls"
6. "I want that quail taken alive — let's find out what the
son of a bitch knows"
5. "Bush was supposed to come, but his father got him out
of it"
4. "Condi, grab a shotgun and go get yourself a man"
3. No No.3 — writers making picket signs for upcoming
strike"
2. "You shoot one guy in the face, avoid talking to
authorities, delay taking a blood-alcohol test, and
you're labeled a bad guy"
1. "Duck!"
[From the Late Show with David Letterman]
d
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Toon Chips For Those Who Can't Wait
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Search Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
The voluptuous redhead was walking down a dimly
lit street when a man jumped out of the bushes.
"Give me your money," he demanded. "I d-
don't have any," she managed to reply. "Give me
your money or I'll search you!" he threatened.
She repeated that she didn't have any, then gasped
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were on the level," he finally muttered
angrily. "You don't have any money on you."
"For heaven's sake," she
wailed, "don't stop now. I'll write you a check."
Stan Kegel
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Pun Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two coeds are gossiping on their way home after
high school. "Do you ever put out for your
teachers?" asks Betty Jane. "No way!" says
Norma Jo, "With me it's strictly a matter
of principal." (Richard Lederer)
What's the difference between a pregnant
woman and a light bulb?
You can unscrew a light bulb.
My girlfriend likes sticking her tits in my face,
then asking for something really expensive. She
inevitably get what she wants. This, my friends,
is what is known as a booby trap.
What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates?
A tearjerker.
What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
It has been determined that having sex before
participating in athletic activity, such as a
marathon race, does not impair the athlete's
performance. In fact, men have known and
displayed this for centuries. After sex, they
glance at their watches and say, "Oops,
gotta run!"
What do you call 2 gay guys named Bob?
Oral Roberts.
Did you follow my advice about kissing your girl
when she least expects it?" asked the sophisticated
college senior of his younger fraternity brother.
"Oh, hell," said the fellow with the swollen eye,
"I thought you said where."
What is a gay masochist?
A sucker for punishment.
Stan Kegel
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Condom Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was just laying around reminiscing the other day, bored by the
continuing rain, when out of the blue I remembered my first sexual
encounter. I was about 15 or 16 and in a Catholic all boys high school
and had a date with what the rest of the basketball team had described
as a sure thing.
-
After being haranged, reminded and constantly lectured about the evils
of sin, sex and fallen women, by the good Brothers, I decided that I
had
better get some protection for my anticipated first decent into the
depths of sex, sin and who knew what other tempting depravities.
-
So I went to a local corner drug store in another neighborhood, to
buy a
package of condoms, so I wouldn't be recognized, and have, god forbid,
someone tell my parents.
-
After I was at the druggist's counter, in the back of the store, where
the older guys told us they stocked the rubbers under the counter, I
was
shocked to have a beautiful older woman come out of the back room to
the
counter. I blurted out my request and it was quite obvious that I was
new at it. -
-
She handed me the package, smiled and asked, if I knew how to wear
one.
I honestly had some trouble managing to stutter out a "No."
-
So the lovely lady, who seemed to be enjoying my obvious discomfort,
unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She
cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently
still
looked confused and was obviously very red faced too. So she looked
around the store and seeing that It was empty, She said," "Just a
minute." And walked to the door, and locked it.
-
Taking me by the hand, she led me into the back room, proceeded to
unbuttoned her blouse and remove it. She unhooked her bra and laid it
aside. and to my utter amazement, asked, "Do these excite you?"
-
I was so dumb-struck, mesmerized, breathless and aroused that all I
could do was manage to nod my head quite vigorishly, in the
affirmative.
-
She then said, it was time for me to slip the condom on and as I was
slipping it on, she was busy dropping her skirt, removed her panties
and
was laying down on a desk.
-
"Well , come on", she said, "We don't have much time." So I hesitantly
climbed on top of her, and she took care of the rest. It was so wildly
wonderful, much more exciting than any of the thrill rides that came
to
town with traveling carnivals. But unfortunately, I could no longer
hold
back and pow, I was done and my ride was over within a few minutes.
-
She looked at me with a questioning frown. and asked, "Did you put
that
condom on?"
-
Grinning from ear to ear, quite happy with my swift passage from
virgin
to an experienced man of the world, pulling up my pants, I said, "I
sure
did." -
-
And proudly held up my thumb to show her.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Strange Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Little Gregory was a healthy baby boy. EVERYTHING about him was
normal.
When he was thirteen months old, he had to be taken into hospital for
a
hernia operation. Doctors discovered that his dick was in fact an
enlarged
piece of a little girls identity and Gregory was actually a girl!
A Zimbabwe businessman was attempting to remove a dangerous Cobra
which had
slithered into the engine of his car, when the snake spat at him and
with
deadly accuracy landed her stinging venom right into his eye. This
usually
causes blindness. Fortunately, a lorry driver who had parked nearby
saw
what had happened and pulled the agonized man into the cabin of his
truck,
where his wife was breast-feeding her baby. He pushed him over to the
astonished woman and told her to squirt some milk into his eyes. This
diluted the venom and the victims eyesight was saved.
In 1983 the villagers of Brignoles in France were astonished when
there was
a freak storm and thousands of toads fell out of the sky. They had
been
whisked up into the sky by a whirlwind which blew across nearby
breeding
ground and having blown itself out, left the toads to fall to the
ground!
People who brought an edition of the Bible printed in 1631 by Barker
and
Lucas were surprised when they came to the following verse in the
book of
Exodus: 20:14 Thou shalt commit adultery. The printers left out the
word
not. The English monarch, Charles 1, was horrified, recalled all 1.000
copies and fined the printers 3,000.
Salt was valuable in Roman times that Julius Caesar paid his soldiers
in
salt rather than money. The Latin word for salt is sal thus giving us
the
word salary.
An Athenian taxi driver was more than a little surprised when the man
he had
stopped to pick up gave him his own address as his destination. The
taxi
driver did not say anything, but drove the passenger as requested. He
got
out of the car and let himself into the drivers house with a key. A
few
minutes later, the driver crept onto his house and caught the bloke
having a
quick one with his wife!
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Nudist Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Abby.
I am an 81-year-old male senior citizen and would like to comment
on the letter that mentioned nude beaches. I am very familiar with
them and also with nudist camps.
Nudism must be good for the eyesight because I have never seen a
blind nudist.
A nudist camp is where married couples air their differences and,
when they disagree, they barely speak. As a matter of fact, one-
married couple broke up because they were seeing too much of each
other.
Did you know that nudists peel first and get sunburned afterward?
A lawyer joined a nudist colony, and he hasn't had a suit since.
A nudist was picked up as a suspect, but the police had to let him
go because they couldn't pin anything on him.
I visited a nudist colony one time and, as I drove in, I stripped
my gears.
The only other time I had anything to do with nudism was when I
stayed at a nudist lodge. (I think it was called the Bareskin
Lodge.) There were no clothes closets and all of the rooms had
sudden exposure.
It was a short vacation. I was soon asked to leave because my
breath came in short pants.
-ED BENDER, Rochester, Pa.
Dear Ed:
That's better than being asked to leave for displaying your
shortcomings
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Golf Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A pretty young lass had recently joined our country
club, and one of my
buddies offered to give her some instruction.
-
He was standing closely behind her and showing her
how grip the club and
swing it back and forward.
Their moving bodies caused the zipper on his fly to
get caught in the
zipper the back of her skirt.
-
They were stuck fast together and were slowly were
moving in lock step
towards the club house to get assistance.
-
Suddenly my dog, Shadow, a big black, bundle of fur,
a 125 pound Giant
Schnauzer, jumped out from some bushes and threw
a bucket water over them.
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Toon Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Limerick Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
There once was a man named Nick
He had an abstract looking dick
He tried to straighten it out
It was quite a bout
But now it is the size of a toothpick
There once was a man from Nantucket
He was supposed to go sail but he said "fuck it"
So he went down to the docks
Found a woman who sucks cocks
And they went home and she sucked it
There once was a guy named Cole
He liked to whack his pole
When he jerked it too hard
It sounded like lard
And all that was left was a hole
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Parting Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
The wrinkled old woman managed to get on the train, and exhausted,
dragged herself into her berth, which was an upper one in a sleeper
car.
Shortly after falling asleep, the woman was awakened by loud snoring
from the lower berth. She tried wrapping the blankets around her
head, but to no avail; finally, she kicked her heels on the mattress.
-
Moments later a mans voice came from below.
"Save your energy lady," he said, "I got a peek at you when you came
aboard."
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Bonus Chip
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A bartender was getting ready to close for the night when a robber
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He yells to the bartender, "This is a stick-up! Put all your dough
in this bag!"
The frightened bartender pleads, "Don't shoot, please! I'll do as
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The crook takes the money then puts the gun to the bartender's head
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____________
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Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn
Vol 1133
Upgrades
Katie: Father we must simply have a conversation.
BJ: Okay, what can I do for you?
Katie: Is it true that TV's will have to be digital by 2009?
BJ: I believe so.
Katie: Then I must have new plasma TV's in my dog house.
BJ: Let's go over and check them. I thought your 60 inch was
legal as is your 80 inch wide screen.
Katie: Please father it is driving me crazy. It took me months to
save the box lids to get those free.
BJ goes over and crawls into Katie's dog house and stands up
inside her dog house.
BJ: I had forgotten how large it is inside. Where is the TV?
Katie: Ah yes, I have remodeled the front room since you have been
here. Let me press this remote.
The wall slides back exposing the largest plasma tv BJ has ever seen
along with a wide range of stereo equipment and state of the art
dvd recorder, dvr, etc.
BJ examines the TV close...: You are fine Katherine. This is HD-TV.
BJ walks upstairs to Katie's movie room and checks out the 80 inch
TV...: Yes, this one is fine also. I believe you are set.
Katie is trembling...
tramatic to
replace all of this.
BJ: But you said it didn't cost you anything that you had coupons..
Katie: True, but all the dog food and eck, some of it was quite
revolting.
Would you care of a glass of bubbly before returning to your house?
BJ: Sure.
Katie pours BJ and drink and then hands him a bill for 4.99.
BJ: Hey! What's this?
Katie: A bill for the bubbly of course.
The herd in Guthrie
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Adult Adult Adult
Remember 9/11/01
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